Vampires Vs Zombies

Rating:
Summary: 5 stars for comedic value, 0 for actual horror
Review: I feel honored to be the first to review this "masterpiece" of horror that pits vampires vs zombies. To sum it up, the movie is one of the most hilarious things you will ever witness. The zombies getting run over, the "General", the fact that vampires have no real special abilities, the 10 mph speed limit imposed on all vehicles in the movie, and that fact that ***spoiler*** zombies and vampires never battle each other add up to a memorable evening of laughs.

Rating:
Summary: Canadians are slow
Review: I'll give 'em this -exposure and focus were ALMOST flawless (except for the pull focus -whoops wrong way). But... How can I put this? Writing this movie I imagine Vince said to himself "I know people and I know what they're going to like. Lesbian vampires have always packed 'em in! Let's get some of those!"
Then we have the zombies -are they zombies? Vince? Really? Some guy in the middle of the road with black face paint on and half a smile. Next time ask him to roll his eyes back and moan or something. Anything, come on! Who gave you the money to make this anyway?
I could go on and on however I'll say just this -If you EVER wanted to know how to screw up EVERYTHING in your movie yet still make it actually watchable (I can hear and see this film just fine) and/or vaguely resemble a story, watch this picture. It is a testament to deluded filmmakers everywhere. Myself included.

Rating:
Summary: It Saddens Me...
Review: sadly enough, new horror movies that try to adapt to ancient genius ideas such as vampires and zombies are simply mockeries. this film is a perfect example. i just cant enjoy such ignorant twists on such great concepts. ive told my cinema therapist about this, and she says that there is--at the time--no cure for bad film making. but there is a cure for me--dont watch this crap! but i am addicted to the deceptions of demons and their false convictions on how these movies can be in any way good. this movie is a great concept--vampires vs zombies. but upon watching this piece of poo, i realized that ideas even this great can be crushed by bad screen writers. in general, VvsZ is a horrible flick that is, supposedly, and adaptation to the old book Carmilla. well, since i havent read the book, i can comment on that. but i can tell you what this movie is about. basically, a group of vampires--including a young girl who has sexual fantasies about her lesbian friend--set out to meet Carmilla (yes, they stole the name but that, i hear, is basically all it has to do with the book). while on the road to a big building where theyre supposed to end up at (why or where? i forget; it was so boring), they meet some devilish vampires who kill gas station cashiers. somewhere in the story before they end up at the big building, they encounter zombies on the road. these are nothing but mud-caked bodies in military uniform standing dumbly. once in the building with Carmilla, and after the girl has sex with yet another woman (this time, Carmilla), the small group of vampires start dying. a few of the muddy soldiers they call zombies intrude and are knocked down with a few seconds and those are the only two scenes with zombies. in the end (which is not too far from this point), Carmilla and the lesbian girl end up with some powers and a bunch of dead vampires on their hands. the vampires never really have to fight the zombies, but they used that name to trick us anyway! this is a horrible piece of work. a total waste of my time. possibly the worst movie ive ever seen. save your rental money and buy several quarter bubba teeth and stick them in your ears until you can no longer remember the title of this slab of poo they call a film.

Rating:
Summary: The General and C.S. Munro Saved This Movie
Review: Some movies are not bad enough to poke fun at, while others aren't good enough to watch in the first place. This movie, thankfully, is so bad that it's possibly the greatest movie ever. First of all, it's NOT about vampires fighting zombies. It's about vampires sometimes, then zombies get kinda hit with cars sometimes. I read that it took six months to plan this flick, and yet it doesn't even have a coherent storyline. See it, I'm too tired to spell it out.

But I'll tell you one thing: The General is the funniest old man ever. He just randomly elbows women and shouts "Shut the f*** up!" ... and he's, like, 65. That, and C.S. Munro has a name too good for the bearer. He looks kinda like a skinny Dave Attel, or maybe Templeton from Charlotte's Web ... in human form.

Take my advice and watch this with a few buddies on a Friday night, after having eaten a LOT of Chinese food. Happy viewing, it'll become the greatest inside joke ever. Ever.

Rating:
Summary: give me my life back.
Review: Sometimes I wonder how films like this wind up at blockbuster, let alone get made in the first place. Avoid poisoning your mind with sheer non-quality and go for a Romero or Fulci movie, even if it's for the hundredth time.
To be generous, one could characterize the utter nonsensicality of plot, direction, and acting as a half-hearted attempt at "neo-dada" or something of that sort--but to be honest, it just really really sucks. Hard.

Rating:
Summary: Pretty bad...Asylum wastes money again on this low budget...
Review: This is an Asylum productions film. Sometimes I forget to check the production because chances are they do a bad job historically and it should tell you something about the film you might pick up next. Well this is an Asylum film. Yes, there are 3 qualities to most Asylum films. 1. Very low budget films done very bad. 2. Actors are usually bad but in this case they are ok but wasted the talent. 3. The storyline usually is fragmented and makes no sense at all.

With that said, the zombies really never appear in this film so dont think it will be a dog fight in this film of the vampires vs zombies. The zombies are really really slow. In fact a lot of the zombies dont move at all!! I was expecting something like a Jason vs. Freddie mayhem when I picked up this film. It is a cool idea to make vampires vs zombies and a unique one but of course this one sucks like pretty much all the rest of the Asylum films. The only bonus of this one over the other Asylum films is that this one wasnt obviously done with a hand held Camcorder as Asylum has had tendencies to do in the past.

As for the plot. It's fragmented alright. Right down to the point where it makes no sense at all. What I can make of it is that a plague has overrun the earth creating zombies and vampires and theres a main plot of trying to destroy Carmella the main vampire's dungeon so that she dies and the vampire plague is over. That's all I can really make out of this film. And where the zombies fit in? Well you dont really see any zombies till the last 5 minutes of the film.

What I'd like to have seen is a plot such as: a team of marines or something sent on a last desperate mission to close the gate that is opening doors to for zombies and the vampires who existed already cannot stop the fast moving zombies that outnumber the vampires badly. The vampires must team up with the humans to stop the zombies and it's a trio mayhem war between the 3 and perhaps some backstabbing subplots. It would be cool to see what happens when a vampire bites a zombie and a zombie bites a vampire. But whatever, I just thought of this in less than 30 seconds and already it's better storyline than this Asylum failure.

Rating:
Summary: Makes shoestring budget pornos look well made
Review: Vampires Vs Zombies has a very misleading title. First of all, no vampires fight zombies in the movie. Well, there's one point where perhaps that is what is happening, but it's not very clear. The only clear thing about this movie is the fact that it is a total piece of crap. Seriously, your average shoestring budget porno has better production values. At a few points in the film, the only lighting is that of a flashlight wielded by a character. And I'm sure their budget was very small, because at one point, while our two lesbian leads (the movie is very loosely based on the Sheridan Le Fanu classic "Carmilla") are driving their jeep down a dirt road, the car is obviously being pushed, because I don't think cars can drive that slowly. I suppose the slowspeed chase made it possible for a cameraman to walk alongside for a better view of the "erotic" shenanigans.

Personally, I think the movie is a steaming, festering pile of dog feces, but my hubby thinks it's the funniest thing he's ever seen. His rationale is that any movie which incorporates Doom and Ren & Stimpy sound effects during a zombie battle is hilarious. Plus, chainsaw sound effects affixed to a hedge trimmer (with the safety on) being used to eviscerate zombie school girls is the stuff of dreams.