The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Rating:
Summary: TERRIBLE TERRIBLE TERRIBLE picture!
Review: I am horror buff. I've seen it all, from start to finish, and believe me, Horror - that is to say, true horror, is one of the genres I live for. To feel real fear wrought by filmmakers is one of the pleasures of my life.

Up until the year 2000, the original Tobe Hooper version of 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre' was actually banned here in Ireland - along with 'The Exorcist' and several other seminal classic Horror movies - so, upon its cinematic re-release in those heady days when there was no such thing as a multi-region VCR, I snapped up a ticket and was mesmerised, far more so than I was by 'The Exorcist' (released here around the same time), by the actual fear and sense of melancholic terror it inspired.

When I heard they were remaking it, I was duly fearful - for when has a remake ever passed muster with anyone apart from the most superficial of moviegoers? - but when I heard that the new version was going to be a different take on the original, keeping the same basic premise and little else, I relaxed somewhat. At least they weren't going to destroy the Original, rather build a new picture loosely based on the same plotline.

There was hope, I thought.

Now I see how truly wrong I was.

The first and major problem with the new 'Massacre' is that the direction is truly appalling. It is unsuitable, it is disjointed and it does not belong to a movie of this nature. In this day and age where it's nigh-on impossible to scare the moviegoing public anymore, why hack-director Marcus Nispel has merrily employed EVERY SINGLE LAST DIRECTORIAL CLICHE known to man is a question that will forever mystify me. Gratuitous nipple-shot? Check. Token trapped-in-a-closet shot? Several of them. Check. Excessive gore? Check. Bad strobe lighting? Check. Zoom-on-characher's-face-right-before-a-shock? Check. And yet, all of this would be forgivable if only Nispel had actually tried to create some sort of visual charisma with his cameras. Sadly, he has not, and what we are left with is a visual motif which has more in common with an action-blockbuster than it does with an isolated no-way-out horror tale. Extremely ill-fitting, the direction and Nispel himself prove to us all that Hollywood Stereotypes, sadly, must exist for a reason.

The cast is, as are most of the casts of contemporary horror movies, totally forgettable. No one performance stands out, nobody has any decent, strong dialogue or developmental scenes, but this is not due to any lack of talent on the cast's part - rather, a thoughtless script that allows no room for the generation of character sympathy. They might well be a bunch of Central Casting Rejects lacking even the briefest of acquaintancships with Acting, but thanks to a lousy script, we just can't tell.

Similarly poor is the execution of the 'NEW' ideas and scenes. Sound and all as they are (the inclusion of the Meat factory and extended Leatherface family are both excellent ideas, in theory), because of poor direction, absent characterisation and VERY run-of-the-mill action, they end up as being just another way to fill ten minutes before the obligatory 1.5 hours are up.

And sadly, that's the lasting impression left on me by the new version of 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'. It could have been so good, but principally thanks to talentless direction and bored-looking actors, it never once manages to get off the ground, or hold its own as a Film.

And when compared to the original, it's a laughable piece of Nothing.

Avoid!! Avoid like the Man with the Chainsaw!

Rating:
Summary: Stop making films about this story.
Review: This is the third telling of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre incident. The original movie was released in 1974. It was so horrifying (then) and based upon true incidents. The original film yet low-budget, was enough to really give you nightmares. Most 1970's films were filmed in a realistic form without the flashy and artsy cinemagraphic work. The new version is actually quite good. Of course, the story has been re-worked from the original and with different variations, but the beginning of this 2003 film and the young characters were easy to follow and easy to get in to. But, I don't like dysfunctional people. My mood for seeing this film, well, I just finished seeing Passions Of The Christ (2004), so I did not feel like seeing another gory, brutal film. But when you need to return a DVD to Blockbuster Video, you should watch it and be responsible. The real Texas Chainsaw Massacre is so horrid that I think it is time to let it rest and be forgotten. They should quit making films about this story.
Moral of the story: If you are traveling, stay off the backwoods and don't wander into parts unknown. Stay away from other people's homes and property. Stay on the freeways and highways. Better yet, take the train.

Rating:
Summary: Jessica Biel -- ANNOYING
Review: My previous review of this horrible film failed to address the Jessica Biel factor -- a factor which so many of you have pointed out.

I nominate this Jessica Biel character for most annoying actor of the year, along with Lisa Kudrow in WONDERLAND.

The only reason I kept watching this film was to see Leatherface hang Biel from a meat hook. My bad judgement! Jessica Biel is the one responsible for all the problems. Smoke some weed? She can't! Leave a rotting corpse behind? She can't! Put the guy hanging from a meat hook out of his misery? She can't! Act?? SHE CAN'T!!

Suffice to say that in the middle of a Texas chainsaw massakree Biel goes on an anti-marijuana crusade.

Rating:
Summary: I loved it!
Review: I'm a really big fan of horror movies and when I first heard about this movie, I thought it would be great. I think this movie was pretty disturbing. It has a twisted story that you'll have to watch a couple of times before fully understanding it. It's also got great charictor development. It's very beautifully shot and has a creepy feeling about it. Of course, it will never beat the original, but definately worth watching.

Rating:
Summary: unwatchable after 6mins 39secs
Review: it is the kiss of death when in a movie you want for a "victim"
to die. jessica biel is incredibly annoying! only 6:39 into the movie and I am done! I want her character to die NOW! what I dont get is why these kids would take her on a road trip or ANYWHERE in the first place. I would make sure she had money for a bus ticket home and drop her at the first opportunity!
life is too short to put up with girls like her!

Rating:
Summary: Way better than I expected!
Review: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Marcus Nispel, 2003)

Honestly, I went into this movie expecting to hate it. Take a music video director (who's worked on stuff for Amy Grant and Janet Jackson, no less) and hand him a classic horror film that does its job with nothing but atmosphere, and you're liable to end up with something like, well, House on Haunted Hill or 13 Ghosts (not that they were bad movies, but they were better looked at as originals than remakes of classic films). Nispel managed to surprise me at every turn with his remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, not only by keeping the creepy, atmospheric feel of the original, but by pulling off the seemingly impossible: he increased the gore factor without dumbing the movie down.

The basic idea is this: A group of teens make a few wrong turns and find themselves in the clutches of a family of maniacs. (We've all seen the original, right? Still, I'll try to keep the spoilers as minor as possible.) Both the 1974 original and the 2003 remake trumpet that it's inspired by a true story (and it is, though "inspired" can be used to define, say, hearing a teapot whistle and realizing you were supposed to catch a train to Amsterdam three days ago; Leatherface is based on that great American spook story himself, Ed Gein). The real-life take didn't have nubile teen girls, so they had to spice it up a bit. In this case, said nubile teen girls are Jessica Biel (Seventh Heaven, Ulee's Gold) and Erica Leerhsen (Blair Witch Project 2, The Guardian), both of whom are far too easy on the eyes to inspire any real terror. They are accompanied by the usual chainsaw fodder, a trio made up of Jonathan Tucker (The Virgin Suicides, The Deep End), Mike Vogel (Grounded for Life), and Eric Balfour (Six Feet Under). Now reflect on that and realize you're looking at a roster of tomorrow's A-list actors, before I go on. Hey, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation spawned the careers of Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger. Don't go hatin' on Leatherface.

Now, add to all the young and good-looking talent the indomitable R. Lee Ermey (The Frighteners, Willard, Full Metal Jacket, and any Vietnam film that ever needed a drill sergeant) as the backwoods Sheriff, in the most chilling role he ever played; Andrew Brinyarinski (Any Given Sunday, Pearl Harbor) behind the infamous mask, pint-sized wunderkind David Dorfman (The Ring, A Wrinkle in Time), John Larroquette (Night Court), Harry Knowles (who specializes in playing the already dead; he's also to be found in that capacity in Ghosts of Mars), insanely talented voice actor Scott Martin Gershin (Flubber, Tarzan), and you can see one of the main reasons Nispel pulled this off; it's packed to the gills with the kind of talent that lets a director work on the details. And the details are done right, as long as you're not comparing frame-by-frame to the original. (The one scene that was an obvious homage is changed enough to let you know they were going out on their own here; it's the infamous scene from the original where Leatherface slams the steel door to his workshop after the first murder.) What IS amusing is how many of the details are lifted from films whose directors have taken homages from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and laid them into their films over the years; one particular scene in the film, close to the climax, contains indicators of at least six earlier films. It can't be coincidence. Half the fun of the latter half of this movie is playing spot-the-homage. And it's a ball. (And no, not all the other half is Jessica Biel in a wet T-shirt. That's only about, oh, twenty percent of the fun.)

As I mentioned before, the gore content is raised from the original, though it's still not going to cause screaming and fainting in the theater a la The Passion of the Christ; as in the original, most of the actual violence is either offscreen or blocked by camera angle/body/what have you. The gross-factor comes from the aftermaths of the violent scenes more than anything (Leatherface working on a mask, the morbid running joke of the first half. 'Twould be a spoiler to give it away. Remember the word "lasagna").

Surprisingly enjoyable. Definitely worth a rental. *** ½

Rating:
Summary: Hang on!!!
Review: One of the most clever, inventive, and original movies, and get this it is a remake. I may be among a minority but I find this film much better than the 1974 cult classic. This film wasn't filled with blue skies, bright greens, and other bold colors, this version was a dark, morbid, and creepy setting. The acting was so much better, Jessica Biel, Eric Balfour, and the very sexy Erica Leerson, start this great cast. This film was so much more scary than the original. Everything is different or imoroved. Leatherface is almost like satan himself, and the cast is thankfully better looking. The family is much more real and the beginning prologue imediately starts the film off seriously and not campy much like the mediocre original film. People think it was too gruesome, and too real. My only answer to that is two words "Chainsaw Massacre" If you are a fan of good drama and scary thrills, see the new and improved version of "THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE"

Rating:
Summary: Not a Remake
Review: I think in order for you to enjoy this even more you need to watch this as a stand alone Chainsaw movie. It is a gorey movie and is pretty disturbing. R. Lee Ermey is great as usual and adds to most of the disturbing images. They show more of Leatherface than the original. It does NOT live up to the original at all but it is still enjoyable. Again do not comapre the two as besides Leatherface there's really nothing to compare. So check this out. Dvd extras are great.

Rating:
Summary: Do Not Waste Your Time/Monry
Review: This movie is so bad that it made me get on Amazon and write my first review to warn others to never watch this movie. It's that bad! The acting is horrible and the casting is even worse.

Do yourself a favor and see the original. This teenie-pop version is so bad that words cannot describe.

Rating:
Summary: Disgusting,bloody,horrifying,& scary as hell!
Review: A horror movie does not get any scarrier than the 2003 version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This movie does not have any humor in it at all, but it's so scary & gruesome you will pee in your pants. 4 out of 5 stars because they might have overdone it with the nonestop violence & terror{I swear to God all this film needed was a some humor to be perfect}. A horror movie not only needs to be scary but also needs humor to even out the gore/violence/terror. Humor also helps it not be too distasteful. Jessica Biel{ex-Mary, 7th heaven}is awesome & not only does she look great in a wet tank top, she is the best horror movie actress since Jamie Lee Curtis in Halloween. The other cast members are ok mainly because they get killed off so fast & except for a few lines in the beginning thats it! The body count goes from 1 to 2 to 3 to 4 like that! Some characters did not die right away but after being in such pain, & not being to run away, they finally die. This film cost less than 10 million to make, & it dosen't even show! Blood everywhere, great effects, it's hard to imagine the price tag was so low. Overall a good film, but not really good seeing it twice because the first time hits you hard, & leaves a big impact on you.