Rating: 
Summary: Outrageous, original vampire satire!
Review: Modern Vampires is the hippest, sexiest, most outrageous vampire movie that I have ever seen. Casper Van Dien plays the coolest vampire. Rod Steiger does an excellent take on Dr. Van Helsing, the famous vampire hunter. When Van Helsing unwittingly hires gang bangers as his assistants, all hell breaks loose. It is an absolute romp. The scene where the gang bangers gang bang a hideous monster (played by Kim Catrall from Sex in the City) is not to be believed! Do not miss this film.
Rating: 
Summary: Pure cliche-ridden crap
Review: I'm a person who likes B-movies but this one is not in the "so bad it's good" category, it's just plain "bad". So what do we have here? Well, we have Natasha Gregson Wagner trying hard to be an even cutsier version of the feral female vamp that Annie Parillaud did so much better in "Innocent Blood". -- Yech! We have Casper Van Dien from Starship Troopers trying hard to be an even badder version of Tom Cruise's Lestat at the conclusion of "Interview With the Vampire". Mr. bad-a** rock'n'roll vampire cruising down the highway in a hot car. Yeah right. -- Yech!! We have various supporting actors who just plain can't act, plus a script that relishes cardboard stereotypes. We have an unbelievably bad performance from Rod Steiger as Dr. Van Helsing. My respect for him as a great actor went right out the window after seeing this horribly cartoony excuse for acting. He and poor Udo Kier must have been in sore need of a paycheck to make the next payments on their Maseratis or something to stoop to the level of this totally uninspired and worthless waste of time. What WERE they thinking??? And to try and up the "coolness" factor of this movie we have Gabriel Casseus and his gang of Homies doing the overused-to-death ploy of "cool black dudes highlight hopeless un-hipness of straight, uptight white dudes". -- Ultra-Yech!!! Throw in some gratuitous nude scenes (including the Homies having group sex with a vampire bat-chick), and "boy have we got a movie for you!" -- NOT!! -- But hey, I hated "Fright Night" too, so what do I know? If you like films like "Fright Night", "Love At First Bite" and "Dracula: Dead and Loving It", you might like this one too. But if your taste in Vampire films is more atmospheric like "The Fearless Vampire Killers" or the Hammer films, you should stay FAR, far away from this one.
Rating:
Summary: A vampire flick that sucks...and not in a good way
Review: Oh, where do I begin to list the woes inflicted by this film?
Modern Vampires is so bad that it's actually hysterical. The cliches are obvious. The plot is so weak that it's nonexistant. The acting is horrendous. The "special effects" look like they were cooked up in someone's basement. The dialogue is taxing to the point of being annoying. I was actually forced to mute the film at several points to simply be able to watch it. The only redeeming value to this film is a nice shot of Casper Van Dien's [...].
Honestly, I couldn't decide which was funnier -- "Richard" encouraging the young vamp, Nico, to "rips the lungs out" of a store clerk, the pregnant vamp that's been happily expecting for years, the comments made in the VW bus by the "Crips" about being the "first black vampires", or the death scene for Dracula.
If you're into bad B-movies simply for their ability to make you laugh, then Modern Vampires is fits the bill perfectly. Although -- I hate to admit this but truth is truth -- Dracula: Dead and Loving It (starring Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielson) is a much better vampire comedy in every respect: acting, dialogue, and effects. If a Mel Brooks film is better than one that is supposedly meant to be a "serious" film, then you know its bad.
Rating:
Summary: Just plain bad
Review: I bought this movie for Casper Van Dien and Kim Cattrail and the hope that it would be a fun vampire movie. I fast forwarded through a lot of it due to the fact that it was not that interesting. I could not find one character in the movie to root for or care about. If you want a fun vamp show with a character to root for stick with Buffy.
Rating:
Summary: vampire movie that sucks the big one
Review: Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers, Sleepy Hollow) stars as the big shot vampire whos strolls into town and he falls in love with some junkie vampire, Natasha Gregson Wagner (Stranger Than Fiction, Urban Legend) and Van Helsing, Rod Stieger (End Of Days, Mars Attacks) is after him and also there's Dracula, played by the late Robert Pastorelli(may he rest in peace, starred in Tv's Murphy Brown, Bait), who owns a night club..hmm. Van Helsing (Stieger) has his own possee, Gabriel Casseuss (Black Dog, Black Hawk Down) with his gangsta thugs who help Van Helsing in the fight with vampires. Crappy acting filled with boredom beyond your imagination. Kim Cattrall (Sex and The City, 15 Minutes) is in this movie and she has sex with a bunch of black guys in her demon form and then they turn into vampires...wow..what fun! not! it was stupid. Udo Kier (Blade, Barb Wire) also stars in a throwaway supportee role. Best line in this whole entire movie is "Count Dracula my ass!" as the black guys light and stake Dracula too death, that was the only funny part, otherwise it was a complete mess of a movie.
Rating: 
Summary: Silly but not Modern
Review: There are no modern vampires in this story (the youngest having been turned 20 years previously) as most of them are very old. The story centers around an outlaw vampire (Van Dien), the young vampire, Dr. Van Helsing (Steiger) and The Count. The Count rules the vampire world and must approve all new vampires. The young vampire was not approved. The outlaw is back in town for a few days. Van Helsing out to tell everyone he is Van Helsing. Not only do we have some very silly-acting vampires (especially the one played by Drew Carry's Mr. Wick), but Steiger seems completely clueless about everything except killing vampires. To top it off, none of the actors seemed to have taken the time to learn how to speak while wearing fangs. The whole movie can be summed up in the opening scene where we see Van Diem using a fang to poke a hole in the end of his cigar. The real problem is that is feels almost like this was supposed to be a serious vampire film with some comedy accents but it comes off as silly and cheap. But, silly and cheap is still entertaining, so you will probably like this one.
Rating:
Summary: Terrific B-movie, great T&A!
Review: This movie is a riot. It involves an alternate vampire world a la Buffy or Anita Blake, but does not take itself too seriously. If you've seen the Steve Martin movie "LA Story", this is the LA Story world with vampires. The acting is sometimes wonderfully over the top (Kim Cattrall from "Sex in the City", Rod Steiger as Van Helsing and Craig Ferguson as a terrific British Vamp) sometimes merely adequate (Casper Van Dien of course), but its the ridiculous situational comedy scenes that make this movie. Modern Vampires has TUNS of terrifically bizarre scenes. The "people as food" motif is hilariously done in an LA sort of way. You have a crazed Dr. Van Helsing aided by Crypts gang members going after bizarre fun-loving and weird LA Vamps, who are themselves enmeshed in trying to help a trailer park trash vamp (played well by Natasha Gregson Wagner) in learning how to be civilized while not incurring the wrath of the local head vamp who wants her "dead." For a T&A rating, this movie gets a big 2 thumbs up. There is a good sprinkling of jovial and perky nakedness throughout that helps makes this movie a nice grade-B gem. While Modern Vampires did not make it to the big screen, it certainly deserves to be watched at home. 5 stars on the B-grade movie scale.
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