Blood Gnome

Rating:
Summary: Comedy Gold
Review: Frank Capra. Billy Wilder. Orson Welles. And now, John Lechago. A finer film was never produced that involves a drug lord, bondage fetishes, crime photography, and of course evil gnomes that have Internet capability. Five stars for campiness.

It's a love story really. A romance between a crime scene photographer who's investing gnomes only he can see through his infra red camera and the dominatrix who shows him the softer side of what she does. As the blood gnomes play a deadly game of cat and mouse over Instant Messenger technology(using the screenname "Blood Gnome"), they manage to frame the main character for murder and kidnap his woman all on thier own.

Oh, and there's a lot of bondage and nudity. Not so much of Julie Strain, however, if that would sway you to see it.

This is independent filmmaking cheese at its best. The director and stars play it like they're in a serious movie instead of one about invisible killer gnomes, as is evidenced in the almost humor-free Behind The Scenes Documentary. There's a reference to Bruce Lee's "Enter the Dragon" in one of the fight scenes, but I'm still trying to decide whether that was intentional or not.

Anyway, see it!

Rating:
Summary: This movie made ''Gigli'' look like a masterpice.
Review: Honestly....this has to be the worst movie ever made.Period.The main problem with it is this....IT MAKES NO F%@%$$# SENSE WHATSOEVER.First off,the movie starts out with a crime scene that occurred inside a house.Yet,they take some police caution tape and wrap it around a tree.What does a tree have to do with a murder that happened inside the f#@%&*^ house?? The acting is only the beginning...it looks like they just found these guys off the streets.The main character has tendancies to make the ''O'' face as much as possible...even when he gets kicked in the junk by one of those gomes.As far as the gnomes go.....Where did they come from??? Some dominatrix spawns them from a barrel??And that makes sense how??? What's even worse is the DVD extras. It shows the director ranting and rambling on about how good this movie is and how it relates to his life....this guy must have had one f#@#$# up childhood if he's going to portray it about gnomes and bondage. In conclusion,if you want to roll on the floor laughing as I did,rent this movie IMMEDIATELY.

Rating:
Summary: Just say gno
Review: In this unofficial sequel to Critters (or maybe it's Ghoulies), a bunch of evil latex puppets terrorize anyone foolish enough to partake in BDSM. The sad part is, there's almost an interesting idea here, but it is totally wasted. It would have been nice if the writer would have actually done some research, rather than just watching Exit to Eden a couple of times and assuming he knew anything about the fetish community.
There's a goofy walkthrough by Scream Queen Julie Strain (which may be the highlight of the movie, sad to say). This movie would make Lloyd Kaufman, Roger Corman and Charlie Band cringe.


Rating:
Summary: THE WORST THING TO EVER GRACE THE SILVER SCREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Review: This is quite possibly the worst thing to ever be caught on film, next to the jon bene ramsey killer made-for-tv movie. It has the worst actors that i have ever seen, and it is spawned from the worst idea ever. I dont know about the average American, but i really dont care to see bondage in the first place. Let alone, with gnomes beating up humans!! The only part of this movie that was worth while was seeing one of those things get kicked square in the junk. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!!! (unless you are on something)