Horrors of Spider Island

Rating:
Summary: Almost Unbearable Without the MST3K Treatment
Review: 'Horrors of Spider Island' was made in Germany and originally called 'Ein Toter hing im Netz', literally 'A Dead One Hung in the Net', a catchy title that is actually a bit more informative and true to the film than the English version. In this film a group of dancers are enroute to Singapore when their plane crashes vertically (and on fire) into the Pacific Ocean, leaving them totally unscathed along with their manager, Gary. Gary runs afoul of the lamest spider I have ever seen on film and becomes a monster that the box describes as 'half-man and half-insect', but I prefer to refer to as a mangy werewolf in need of braces.

The vast bulk of the film involves the girls walking around the island yelling "Gary!" in badly dubbed voices, although there are a couple of fight scenes and even an occasional glimpse of the monster. I had seen the MST3K version of this film and had enjoyed it, but then again, I like MST3K in general. I thought that I might enjoy watching the original version of the film, but I was wrong. Before watching this version of the film, I had no idea how much the staff at Best Brains suffered to prepare their version for television. I didn't do a timing comparison, but it seems to me that the MST version must have edited out some of the wandering around the island footage, as I didn't recall the movie being this long.

I have almost never been so eager for a film to end, and even though the ending of the DVD version is very abrupt, I was grateful for the conclusion. If you are insistent upon having every bad monster movie ever made, by all means buy this film; otherwise, leave it alone, it is just too painful to watch, and the camp value is not strong enough to numb the pain.

Rating:
Summary: Of Spiders and Exotic Dancers.
Review: Please understand that I am a die-hard cheesy movie buff. Pause with me while I attempt to explain this movie. Around 1960, a European filmmaker blended sci-fi horror with sexploitation. What this premise lacks in originality it usually gains in our twisted curiousity. Hope springs eternal. An exotic dance troupe (i.e.; strippers) and their male manager, stranded on a remote Pacific island, find a dead scientist dangling in a big web. They find the dead man's research notes that reference a strange "hissing" around the perimeter of his camp. This is a promising start. The women are worth viewing as they display ample cleavage and bare legs. The "giant spiders" are not giant. They are about the size of cats. They are as "real" as discount store Halloween decorations. Never mind batteries, you can almost see the windup key turning. Classic sci-fi fans who recall "Tarantula" should adjust their expectations. Low budget is, after all, low budget. I know it sounds an unlikely thing to say, but the script spends too much time on the "girlie" show. Between the basic B&W photography and the constraints of the censor, attractive women just hanging out can get dull. Even the occasional catfight can't ease the tedium. When the boss turns monstrous with spider venom, I thought the story would get moving. No such luck. The mutated guy disappears into the jungle, and only sporadically reappears. The story comes to the inevitable climax. No, I don't mean that kind of climax. Ultimately, the script can't decide between sexploitation and horror. It succeeds at neither. This flick is okay for we of the cheesy movie hall of fame fan club. Not great, just okay. The low priced DVD edition is adequate from a technical quality standpoint. Go slowly into this dark night. ;-)

Rating:
Summary: Garry's friends show real flare
Review: This film has many original themes that are played out in the movies of today. For those that watched "Total Eclipse" you remember Damsel Washington sniffing hair from a concealed location. Yep Gary (Alexander d'Arcy was born as Alexander Sarruf in Kairo) did it first. You have seen peeking throw a bush or from a tree at skinny dippers well it is here also. How about things that bite in the night? Yep.
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Gary is taking a dance troupe to Singapore. We get to see them audition. On the way the plane crashes in the ocean. Now it is just Garry and the women. They spot an island and setup house. We know they are not alone. It turns out to be a "radioactive" Island. Something is lurking in the bushes and waiting to bite. This something is not Garry; or is it?
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This movie is so well known and universal that it has many names:
Ein Toter hing im Netz (1960) [A Dead One Hung in the Net]
Body in the Web (1962)
A Corpse Hangs in the Web (1960)
Girls of Spider Island (1960)
Horrors of Spider Island (1965)
It's Hot in Paradise (1962)
The Spider's Web (1962)


Rating:
Summary: Mis-leading
Review: Transformed into the worlds most hideous monster with a diabolical lust to kill! Or so that was the slogan of the movie. Absolute rubbish! This film couldn't be more mis-leading. This film is a "sexploitation" film of the early sixties, with lots of bimbo girls running around in bikini's. Don't expect any nudity, and don't expect it to frighten you either. It is not a horror movie, as you are lead to believe. Upon reading the title, and the back of the DVD, you would think you are in for 90 minutes of giant spiders killing and maiming, and a guy hideously deformed by one of their bites goes nutzoid and starts killing all the poor defenceless naked girls.

But, alas, no hope. This is a strange movie. The only reason it was marketed as a horror movie was because this genre was the biggest attraction of it's time. The film starts off promising enough. A group of girls and one man - Gary - are helplessly marooned on an island that contains relatively large spiders that look more like monkeys with rubber legs. Gary gets comically attacked by one of the "spiders", and is, in a matter of seconds, transformed into a monster. That's the first 15 minutes over with. From there the story goes off on a wild tangent, confusing the viewer. Gary does not re-appear until the very end of the movie, and only kills two of the dozen available for slaughter. The entire middle of the film is just women going around in those classical 60's bikinis. It's like watching Baywatch in 1960!

I don't honestly need to give a plot summary here as there really isn't one. It really is just a stupid film that is desperately trying to sell itself off as a sexy horror spider movie. There is no nudity. There is no horror. And there are only 3 spiders in the whole film!!!

This film is absolute tosh and a pure waste of money. Half way through the film you are left wondering: 'what the hell has happened to Gary, and where are all the spiders'. I too asked myself the same question.

The film is B&W, and hasn't aged too badly, although the sound has deteriorated a bit, and some scenes look a bit smudgy. But all in all, acceptable for rubbish of this kind.

Best avoided unless you are collecting a definitive horror collection.