The Johnsons

Rating:
Summary: Are they serious???
Review: Are you ready for this? The plot: seven seven-year-old boys brutally slaughter sixteen people and are incarcerated. A young girl laments the long wait for her to have a peiod. A young anthropology teacher stumbles across a long forgotten, but very active demon fetus. Young girl and her mom go on a camping trip. The teacher is contacted by a "secret government organization" to explain the bizarre symbols the seven boys left at the scene of their crime. The young girl has dreams about being raped by seven men and has her period. The seven, now grown up men escape from their prison. The young girl and her mom just happen to be camping next to the prison. The teacher discovers that if they impregnate the girl, the demon fetus will rule the world. Then, all sorts of other stuff happens. The Johnsons is an amazingly ridiculous film that deserves high marks for its apparent LSD influenced storyline. It is a mish-mash of numerous other horror films that never really comes together. Their is some graphic gore during the last half of the film that helps a little, but on the whole, the film is a bore. The DVD transfer is excellent and the inclusion of the original Dutch language soundtrack, (with subtitles), is welcome. Purchase at your own risk.

Rating:
Summary: Would have been funny had it not been so serious.
Review: The Johnsons (Rudolf van den Berg, 1992)

Rudolf van den Berg has won the Golden Calf, which is basically the Oscar, twice in his career, both times before this: in 1982 for San Senten Rebel (Best Long-form Documentary), and in 1984 for Bastille (Best director). I don't know whether that says worse things about the state of film in the Netherlands or their Academy. Probably neither, if America's own Academy is anything to go by (I'll omit yet another rant on the 2002 nominees). But if this guy is one of the cream of the crop over there, there is great pity to be had for the country.

The Johnsons isn't necessarily a bad film so much as it is a film that hovers on the verge of unintentional greatness. This had the potential to be horror comedy on the same plane as Return of the Living Dead or Dark Star. It missed the mark by such a small margin that it's painful to watch, but like a particularly gruesome car accident, the hapless viewer keeps watching, hoping and praying that somewhere within the mess a spark of life will be found.

The story begins with Dr. Johnson (Johan Leysen, presently onscreen in Brotherhood of the Wolf) delivering a set of septuplets, then going out into the woods and enacting, sloppily, some sort of odd ritual that ends with what looks like a squat stone idol encased in crystal rising out of a ring of fire in the middle of a lake. We then skip to twenty-one years later (present-day) and two intercut stories: one of a single mother, Victoria Lucas (Monique van de Ven, presently on the TV series Spangen, probably best known to American audiences for the not-too-bad action flick Amsterdamned) and her daughter Emily (the jaw-droppingly gorgeous Esmee de la Bretoniere, for whom this is the only film credit anyone in America has a chance at seeing without importing movies). Victoria, a photographer, takes a job tracking down some rare birds in a secluded swamp. Emily's been having recurring nightmares about seven crazy-looking kids painting a room with blood, and is in general disrepair emotionally, so Victoria takes her along, hoping that some time in the country will help her state of mind. The other story deals with Winston (Kenneth Herdegein, who's also frequently seen on TV these days over in Europe), an anthropology professor who's approached by police inspector de Graaf (veteran TV actor Rik van Uffelen-are you seeing a pattern here?) about seven psychopaths the police have been holding without public knowledge in an out-of-the-way abandoned prison in a secluded swamp. Winston's father (Otto Sterman), a voodoo priest, warns Winston and de Graaf to get their noses out of it while they can, but the two keep digging for info on the odd symbol said seven psychos keep drawing on the wall, usually in blood.

That's a brief synopsis of the film's first ten minutes; I'm pretty sure you can fill in the next ninety-three. To call this "predictable" would be the understatement of the year. That's not necessarily a bad thing; Hamlet's predictable, too. So is Dark Star. Problem is, The Johnsons isn't anything close to the level of Shakespearean tragedy. The dialogue is alarmingly silly, the characters would have to be better-drawn to be made of cardboard, and the plot stands alone in its utter disregard for anything resembling logic. When faced with such a script, the best directors will take it and play it for laughs, and every once in a while they get something great out of it (the aforementioned Dark Star and Return of the Living Dead being two classic examples). Van den Berg, however, gives us no indication at any point during the film that he and his characters are anything but serious. Even the cop doesn't crack wise. It's hard to believe anyone could have considered this a serious piece of filmmaking, but van den Berg did his best to make sure you'd at least try. That said, if the last two minutes of this film don't have you groaning in sheer agony, you've a stronger stomach than I. * ½ (rewatchability factor supplied solely by de la Bretoniere. Hubba hubba.)

Rating:
Summary: Let's go Dutch....on 2nd thought let's not
Review: The only good thing about this Dutch [movie] is the cover.
Well Mommy and daughter are cute. That is the only thing this movie has going for it. I was so dissapointed with this film, I'll conclude quickly. There's no creatures (except a brief glimpse at the end). Big deal..the acting is ok, The Dutch location takes the cake though.. During a GARBAGE STRIKE! ... cares?? a dirty looking alley or something would have sufficed.They should have tossed this flick right in with it. Don't waste your money unless you like ... flix like this one that fell short of the trash can!
...

Rating:
Summary: A Classic!
Review: This is indeed a classic. One for the record books. A must see. A frolicking romp amongst the forces of evil. After you watch this film, make sure you check out the director/writer commentary. You always know a film is a true classic when the director and writer laugh themselves into a hernia during specific scenes. Buy this immediately. You won't regret it.

Rating:
Summary: A Classic!
Review: _The Johnsons_ is a very well-made film. I tried to imagine how this material might look in a low-budget American film--we're just lucky that a Dutch film company and crew put this together. The plot is a very strange one, and ultimately a bit silly, but there are many very effectively horrific moments. To be honest, the basic story reminded me quite a bit of _The Relic_, with primitive jungle tribes and superstitions manifesting themselves in a modern, urban setting. The DVD has informative commentary tracks by the director and the co-writers and you can choose to watch it in Dutch or English (I'd recommend Dutch with English subtitles). This really is a pretty fun film and if you watch with the right frame of mind, I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

Rating:
Summary: A Wild Ride of a Horror Film--Silly, but Occasionally Scary
Review: _The Johnsons_ is a very well-made film. I tried to imagine how this material might look in a low-budget American film--we're just lucky that a Dutch film company and crew put this together. The plot is a very strange one, and ultimately a bit silly, but there are many very effectively horrific moments. To be honest, the basic story reminded me quite a bit of _The Relic_, with primitive jungle tribes and superstitions manifesting themselves in a modern, urban setting. The DVD has informative commentary tracks by the director and the co-writers and you can choose to watch it in Dutch or English (I'd recommend Dutch with English subtitles). This really is a pretty fun film and if you watch with the right frame of mind, I'm sure you'll enjoy it.