B*Tch

Rating:
Summary: Lifestyles of the Rich and Infinitely Sleazy...
Review: As I wander the DVD release section of this website, every once in awhile I'll find a lovely piece of trashy, soft-core cinema too tempting to pass up. The actual title for this film is The B*tch (1979) (apparently the title was too risqué for Amazon, as they substituted the I with an asterisk), and it is a follows the on going cheeky (putting it nicely) adventures of Fontaine Khaled, (Joan Collins), a character originally presented in 1978's The Stud, both films based on equally trashy novels written by her sister, Jackie Collins, a highly popular purveyor of plebeian sleaze. The film was directed by Gerry O'Hara (The Pleasure Girls), and stars, as I already mentioned, Joan Collins, who would later reach the pinnacle of bitchery (thus setting the bar for all who practice the fine art of bitchery...Shannon Dougherty would later to wrest the crown of queen of all bitchery away from Ms. Collins, giving it a most admiral attempt, but, ultimately, fell a little short) appearing as Alexis Carrington in the popular 80's television series Dynasty. The only other actor appearing in this film worth mentioning is John Ratzenberger, who played everyone's favorite mailman on television's Cheers (I'll get to his character later).

The film begins in an expectedly sleazy manner, with Fontaine waking in bed in New York with some schlub, and now she must hurry to catch a plane to London (apparently she slept in longer than she wanted due to a night of debauchery that went a little long). While on the plane, she meets a rather obvious bit of euro-trash named Nico, who's a not only a thief, but decides to try and use Fontaine to smuggle in his latest acquisition, a stolen diamond ring, which he is now on his way to London to try and fence (why he has to go all the way to London to do this I have no idea). He's a real smoothie, and engages Fontaine in a bit of backgammon, and a series of sexual innuendoes and double entendres (this sort of activity becomes a trademark of this film). Seems Fontaine is off to London to see why her lame nightclub, Club Hobo, is tanking, and after meeting with Nico, becomes mixed up in his affairs, as not only is he a thief, but a thief who owes a lot of money to the mob, and now her affiliation with this seedy character may cost her more than she's willing to pay. That's pretty much it, as far as the story goes.

After watching the film, it seemed pretty obvious the story was just sort of filler between the nekkid bits (and there are a lot of them). Joan sheds her clothes often, and I will say she's an attractive woman, at least at the time, but she really emanated the feel of someone who's enjoyed the company of one too many partners (like her sister, who was once quoted as saying, `I live my life like a cool bachelor. I have a man for all seasons.') which really isn't very appealing, regardless of gender. Throughout the film we're constantly reminded that all the characters presented are of the affluent type (fancy cars, flashy, expensive wardrobe, along with large, expansive homes and apartments) who seem to have to work little if, at all, turning to pleasures of the flesh to quell the ever present boredom between parties, shopping, nightclubbing, and such. I really enjoyed the scene where Fontaine, recently arriving in London, wastes little time in shagging the chauffeur (nothing says class like making it with the hired help). Along with Joan, a number of others appearing take the opportunity to expose themselves, but none of it was really appealing, as the women looked pasty and anorexic. The whole film was shot very poorly, utilizing abrupt cuts, shaky cameras, and awkward angles. I think the intimate scenes were meant to appear steamy and spicy, but often came across cheap, tacky and tawdry (this applies to nearly every aspect of the film), lacking any provocative qualities, unless you have the sensibilities of a 13 year old boy whose hormones are in overdrive, achieving arousal if the wind blows the right way. The story was padded out with so much useless filler, mostly pointless scenes of people disco dancing (one thing I learned is John Ratzenberger, whose character was presented as a link for Nico to fence his stolen booty, should never be allowed on or near any dance floor ever, as watching him frug around to disco music obliterated any smigden of eroticism created accidentally in the course of the film...he did have one of the more memorable lines in the film, when referring to Fontaine, `She's the best known cradle snatcher this side of the Atlantic.'...lovely...thankfully his clothes manage to stay on throughout the feature). As I said before, the dialogue is mostly comprised of sleazy innuendoes and painfully obvious double entendres, and is delivered in an extremely wooden and hollow fashion. The acting throughout is puerile and lacking any shed of substance, and there's not one likeable character in the bunch. It's pretty rare that I come across a film that actually seems to try to make me dislike it, but it happened here.

The dubious quality of the full screen print on this DVD suggests someone used a slightly worn videotape copy as the source material. It looks shoddy, but then why should that be any different from the film. The audio is equally cruddy, often becoming muddled and intelligible under so much noise. I was surprised to see chapter stops, and there are even a few special features available, including biographies for Collins and Ratzenberger, and selected filmographies for a number of the..ahem, actors appearing. Also, there are about eight previews for films I've never heard of, and in watching the previews, it became obvious why as they're all direct to video trash pictures shot with a camcorder.

Cookieman108