The Apple

Rating:
Summary: God-Awful Movie....And I Can't Wait To Own It!
Review: I first saw this movie when my family first got cable back around 1982. I couldn't imagine why this movie was ever made because it had to have been the absolute worst movie produced in the history of modern cinema. The stiff acting, the cheesy dialogue (Bibi going to tour "The West Coast??" I guess playing New York wasn't that big of a deal), the songs, scary choreography. And set (at the time) in futuristic 1994. Evidently the fashion style of choice in '94 was destined to be shiny garbage bags. And now, this god-awful movie is being released on DVD, in of all months, the month of my birthday. And you better believe I'll be one of the first people to own it! My top favorite movies are "Roxanne" with Steve Martin, "The Shawshank Redemption"...and "The Apple." And I'm not kidding.

As far as cinematic greatness, this movie doesn't belong in the same category as your basic Academy Award winners. However in terms of what you could watch over and over and never get tired of it, this ranks very high. Yes, it's a horrible story, badly acted, the songs make me cringe - "Pumpin' power by the hour - Speeeed!" "It's a natural natural natural desire, meet an actual actual actual vampire!" (and on a side note, what was with that guy with the warthog / pig nose and blue hair during that whole "hell" scene?), the ending still has me shaking my head (was Mr. Topps God?? And why did he arrive in the limo, yet he and everybody else walked away? And did they actually walk to another planet, which in reality is a pretty far walk...but if they left in 1980, they probably should be there by now). But I love every second of this movie. Love the cheesiness, love the music (I was so happy when a friend found the vinyl soundtrack in a bargain bin.....for...um......25 cents...I've since turned every track into an MP3 and burned it onto a CD since I know Cannon won't be doing it) and love everything about this movie.

And while I'm excited that this is going to be released on DVD, I just know that there won't be any special features on it, which bothers me. I have to see some behind the scenes stuff, some outtakes, some DELETED scenes, director commentary throughout the movie, interviews with the actors (then AND a "where are they now?" section), clips from when the movie was released and the impact it had around the world when it opened - you know - STUFF!! But at least it looks like it'll be available in full screen and wide screen, so there won't be that "pan and scan" look from my copy where there's dialogue going on from people off to the side of the screen - perhaps I'll now be able to see all of the action.

Even though I'm going to, it's hard for me to recommend this movie because of the difficulty I experience when trying to explain the plot of this movie for people. I always run into problems with how Dandi (white guy) and Pandi (black girl) are brother and sister (who did Mr. Boogaloo get busy with?). And I didn't know that the movie was SUPPOSED to be set here in America (all these years, I just assumed it was Germany or somewhere in Europe because nothing in the movie looked like anywhere in the U.S. - especially that subway tram Alfie was riding on after that recording session). But I will say that the world in this movie has the best race-relations I've ever seen - race is not even an issue with anything. As convoluted and ridiculous as this movie is, there's a great lesson we all could take from it; especially in the world today.

Anyway, I love this movie and can't wait for its release date. And if you haven't seen this movie and you're looking for pure escapism, fantasy and campiness, as well as a happy (if not puzzling) ending, put logic and reason aside, keep an open mind and you will enjoy this. Just watch out for "the red tape."

Rating:
Summary: There is a God, and He drives a white limo!
Review: The other reviews have said this is one of the worst movies ever made, and that's true. But I saw this some 20 years ago on the Movie Channel (which is probably why the Movie Channel doesn't exist anymore), and I still remember it fondly. There's the "hell" scene (which was bathed in bright red lights and did a better job defining cheese than cheddar and Cher combined); the homeless, living-under-a-bridge, Moonie cult, here-comes-God-in-a-shiny-white-automobile thing; singing to a window splattered with rain and broken hearts. I'm almost afraid to see it again, since I've built it so much up in my mind. It can't possibly be as wonderfully bad as I remember, but I can hope! And boy did I have a MAJOR crush on the main guy in this movie - I'm terrified I'm gonna see (via hindsight) that he was a major dork. But I'm buying this DVD as soon as they release it, and I'm so glad they finally realized its worth. Forget "Xanadu" or "Can't Stop the Music" or even "Cop Rocks: The Series". THIS is the musical that beats all the competition without even breaking a sweat (wouldn't want to soil the headband, you know). Now I just have to practice my Olivia Newton-John dance moves to get in the mood...

Rating:
Summary: Taste It, Taste It, Taste It!
Review: Very few movies can be so bad that they become good, The Apple is one of them. Pointless plot, terrible music, bad acting, costumes that even Elton John wouldn't wear and an excessive amount of glitter all converge creating a colossal piece of crap. My boyfriend took me to see this on our first date and I realized that I had found my soul mate.

I would not recommend this to anyone who is not a fan of camp, but for those of you who just love to laugh at terrible film making this is the god (Mr. Tops) awful musical extravaganza you have been waiting for. I have already pre-ordered my copy and I strongly recommend you do the same, since your DVD collection will never truly be completely without it.