Empire of the Ants

Rating:
Summary: Rooting for the giant ants to devour Joan Collins
Review: "Empire of the Ants" is yet another unintentionally funny film courtesy of director Bert I. Gordon ("Food of the Gods," "The Amazing Colossal Men," et al). The inspiration is the H.G. Wells futuristic morality tale, but in the end the novel is more of an excuse for the film than anything else. Now our story is set in Florida where Marilyn Fryer (Joan Collins, pre-"Dynasty") is running a real estate scam. The land in question is next to a dumping site for radioactive waste which is mutating the local ant population into giant 1950s horror movie type ants in the style of "Them" (literally; they are still puppets). Once the feeding frenzy begins, Captain Dan Stokely (Robert Lansing) loses his boat and drags Marilyn and some other walking entrees into the swamp and eventually a town where things get somewhat interesting.

The title does make some sense when we learn that the queen ant has actually taken over the town and its (yummy) sugar refinery. Just do not ask me to explain how the ants figure out that it is a factory and not simply a giant sugar stockpile, let alone that they need the humans to work the machines. Okay, I know that the answer is the radioactivity, but the idea it increases both the size of the ants along with their intelligence is just a bit much for me to swallow. Besides, nothing in this film makes me disposed to think kindly on these happenings, even though I remember Lansing fondly from "Twelve O'clock High" and interpret his constant teeth gritting having to do with his situation as an actor and not just as a character. "Empire of the Ants" matches the lame story with equally lame special effects; I reject the idea that relying on bad matte shots of real ants, giant fake puppet ants, and point of view shots representing the multi-faceted eyes of insects are cinematic homages on Gordon's part to the "Beginning of the End," "Them!", and "The Fly," the 1950s Science Fiction films that are most identified with such "special effects." After all, we are talking about as director whose is known as "BIG" for reasons that are ironic rather than affectionate.

In the end, "Empire of the Ants" is a film where you might as well root on the mutant monsters because none of the humans are really worth saving. The better parts of the film ("better" being a relative term) are those where the ants are not around (i.e., the part where our plucky group of short-term survivors are fleeing through the swamp). But as soon as the ants pop up the question quickly becomes how much cheese do you want with your popcorn? This is just another embarrassingly bad movie from the Seventies and if it was not raked over the coals on "MST3K" then it should have been. As such, it gets three stars for entertainment value of the double-negative variety.

Rating:
Summary: Classic B-Movie starring Joan Collins
Review: 1977 B-Movie starring Joan Collins, who gives free cruises to people in hopes they will invest in a soon to be built tourist dreamland. The only problem is the island that "Dreamland Shores" is located on is also occupied by huge ants. Contains all the elements you want in a classic b-movie, such as huge mutated insects, fantastic dialog, low-budget special effects, and an actress (in this case Joan Collins) who went on to bigger things and probably wants this movie to be forgotten.

Based on H.G. Wells book of the same title. Also features Robert Pine of "CHiPS" fame.

Rating:
Summary: Classic B-Movie starring Joan Collins
Review: 1977 B-Movie starring Joan Collins, who gives free cruises to people in hopes they will invest in a soon to be built tourist dreamland. The only problem is the island that "Dreamland Shores" is located on is also occupied by huge ants. Contains all the elements you want in a classic b-movie, such as huge mutated insects, fantastic dialog, low-budget special effects, and an actress (in this case Joan Collins) who went on to bigger things and probably wants this movie to be forgotten.

Based on H.G. Wells book of the same title. Also features Robert Pine of "CHiPS" fame.

Rating:
Summary: "Empire" leaves much to be desired.
Review: Bernard Weber has spent fifteen years studying ants, according to the back of his latest book, Empire of the Ants, and perhaps he should stick to it. As an authority on those little six-legged wonders, M. Weber is fantastic; as a storyteller, he leaves something to be desired. The book's twin plot line approach is not a bad idea, and the segments dealing with the ants themselves are quite educational, even entertaining, to a degree. His handling of the Homo sapiens in his book on the other hand, are not. The relationships are contrived, the dialogue weak, and the oft repeated matchstick puzzle-while ingenious-leaves one wondering if spending a decade and a half obsessing over bugs can be good for one's development of social skills-skill necessary for a writer. From the moment the scrawled handwriting warned Jonathan to stay away from the cellar, I began wondering if I should send strips of torn paper to all of my colleges, warning them, "Whatever you do, never read that book!" But I realize that some may actually find this novel worth their time, energy, and money. I admit that I would almost recommend it as a reference book on the little critters, if only I didn't doubt the validity of M. Weber's facts, as there are no footnotes to support some of his more outrageous clams about these minute wonders. After spending the regretfully several hours of my life as I did reading this sad tome, all I have come away with is this bit of wisdom: If ever you don't know what to do, buck up, and try rearranging six matchsticks into four equilateral triangles.

R.A. Williamson Woodinville, WA January 1999

Rating:
Summary: Joan Collins gets antsy.
Review: Bert I. Gordon made some low-budget sci-fi flicks back in the atomic age 1950s. Here we have Bert's '50s style big-bug story updated for the '70s. Again, nuclear energy (i.e., waste) creates monsters. Live ants, photographically enhanced to giant proportions, look clumsy rather than menacing. For close-ups, there are ant-shaped mechanical heads. The color photography is a plus, but it also draws attention to the limitations of the special effects. As usual, hapless victims perish brutally. As usual, these expendable characters are present only to meet their fate. These ants have the power of reason. Their sinister plan to subjugate humans and found an ant-empire is an offbeat slant to the familiar monster-on-the-loose formula. To be fair, there is some suspense in this little flick. There is also silly dialogue and bad acting. Weighed in the balance, it is found wanting. Die-hard fans of low-budget sci-fi/horror flicks may take interest in this flick. What is Joan Collins, of all people, doing in this movie? ;-)

Rating:
Summary: Joan Collins is the real queen of the mound
Review: Hold onto your wits and hold on for a wild ride as Joan Collins leads the way on this South Florida adventure. Joan is in the real-estate business, actually she's a con artist trying to sell worthless swampland to anyone that will listen. The would-be customers gather on the boat for a free ride and refreshments. Once at the location, the high pressure sales pitch begins. Little do they know that some ants have been swimming in radioactive waste and are now the size of Cadillacs.

Joan looks lovely running through the woods and going down the river in a rowboat. She's very sexy when she sweats profusely. Not everyone in her party is as fortunate as her though. An elderly couple who can't keep up bite the dust. Also a husband who decides it's cheaper to sacrifice a wife than pay for a divorce watches his wife get devoured. No real loss for him, he already had his eyes on another chick in the little band.

Well the ending is pretty weird. Seems the whole town is under the control of the ants thanks to some kind of Brain washing gas that the people get a whiff of when placed in a glass box with the Queen Ant. Alas poor Joan doesn't make it out of the box. The ant decides she'd rather make a good meal.

I love Joan Collins and got this movie only because of her. She once said this was the most grueling part she ever played. If you like Joan too, I highly suggest this little gem of a film.


Rating:
Summary: Can't Believe Its Back!
Review: I actually saw this movie when it was first released in the theater. Believe me, you are not missing anything by not catching it on the big screen. Even with my 17 year old sensibilities at the time, I knew that I was watching something so monumentally bad, that it would live on forever in the annals of bad art. Will not recap what was already written about it by Larry, he hit the nail right on the head with his description. In short, good late night viewing with some friends or alone with a bottle of scotch. I bought it mainly for its nostolgic value, but came away quite pleased. Think I enjoyed it more the second time around!

Rating:
Summary: Good fodder for B movie addicts!
Review: I am a big fan of the underrated, marvellously talented late Robert Lancing, so I collect his stuff. And he did some wonderful B flicks that are B Movie Addicts delight. My favourite 4D man is one of the best, but this one is not too shabby.

Joan Collins is head of a group pushing an island paradise resort - yet to be built - and Lancing is the pilot of the boat that brings in the latest boatload of suckers....I mean investors...to view the imaginary golf course and club house. Only problem, refugees from THEM! are lurking in the woods making off with islanders and soon to investors of Joan's resort. The effects are typical Drive-in B movie quality (but hey, I miss the old drive-ins!! When I visited Kentucky they would have dusk to dawn creature features and that is where I first saw this movie), but Lancing as always is better than the material he is given and makes this worth the ticket.

So stack up four of five our your best Vincent Price and Chris Lee films, add Empire of the Ants (and watch the wonderful and well missed Robert Lancing), pop a bowl of popcorn , turn out the lights and imagine you are in a car with a speaker hanging from the window. Have your own dusk to dawn creature features.

Off to see if I can hunt up a copy of 4D man in DVD.....

Rating:
Summary: Good fodder for B movie addicts!
Review: I am a big fan of the underrated, marvellously talented late Robert Lancing, so I collect his stuff. And he did some wonderful B flicks that are B Movie Addicts delight. My favourite 4D man is one of the best, but this one is not too shabby.

Joan Collins is head of a group pushing an island paradise resort - yet to be built - and Lancing is the pilot of the boat that brings in the latest boatload of suckers....I mean investors...to view the imaginary golf course and club house. Only problem, refugees from THEM! are lurking in the woods making off with islanders and soon to investors of Joan's resort. The effects are typical Drive-in B movie quality (but hey, I miss the old drive-ins!! When I visited Kentucky they would have dusk to dawn creature features and that is where I first saw this movie), but Lancing as always is better than the material he is given and makes this worth the ticket.

So stack up four of five our your best Vincent Price and Chris Lee films, add Empire of the Ants (and watch the wonderful and well missed Robert Lancing), pop a bowl of popcorn , turn out the lights and imagine you are in a car with a speaker hanging from the window. Have your own dusk to dawn creature features.

Off to see if I can hunt up a copy of 4D man in DVD.....

Rating:
Summary: Not a 1998 movie!
Review: I assumed this video had something to do with the 1998 book, "Empire of the Ants," or H.G. Wells' story. What I received was a 1977 Joan Collins sub-B horror flick about (poorly photographed) giant ants. Need more info on titles! END