Heart Condition

Rating:
Summary: Heart Attack!
Review: Beware of purported "comedies" with big-name stars but a no-name director. You might just get burned.

HEART CONDITION (1990) fits that cautionary note all too well. Starring Bob Hoskins, coming right off his star-making role in the innovative, popular and wonderful WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1998), and Denzel Washington, coming right off his Oscar-winning supporting performance in GLORY (1989)---one of the greatest films of all time, by the way---this mismatched nightmare of a "comedy" was directed by no-name James D. Parriot; actually misdirected is a more accurate description. Having looked like a spritely, funny romp from the commercial trailers on TV, I rented it soon after it first became available on video.

Boy, how wrong trailers can be! At the very beginning, during the opening credits, I was immediately puzzled by the tone of the film, as it appeared dark and out-of-focus, certainly not the "spritely funny romp" I had expected. But it got worse---much worse as it went along. Bob Hoskins stars as racist L.A. cop Jack Moony who chases burgler Napoleon Stone (Denzel Washington), then suffers a major heart attack; so major, in fact, that he needs to undergo a transplant, stat! Well, unbeknowst to Jack (at first), bad ol' Nappy Stone got killed soon after (don't ask me how, it was so long and so much interest ago), and---whaddya know!---he's got the same exact blood type as the racist cop, so the surgeon transplants his heart into Jack! Ho, ho. Oh, and for whatever unknown reason, Stone's ghost begins to follow Moody wherever he goes, demanding justice for his murder. They argue, occasionally fight (usually in front of perplexed onlookers who stare at the pudgy police officer apparently wrestling with himself), and before long---surprise, surprise!---become unlikely friends. Oh, and somewhere along the line, they (I think) actually get around to finding out who did Napoleon Stone in, but by that time, we're long past the point of caring.

Some of HEART CONDITION'S numerous major flaws:

1) It's not funny; in fact, it is desperately unfunny. A film that is billed as a comedy---which HEART CONDITION clearly was, as it featured a scene where Hoskins is wrestling a hamburger from ghost Denzel and the camera shows the third-person perspective of Hoskins wrestling with himself.

2) The visual aspect is all muddy, and completely wrong for a comedy.

3) The *sound* is muddled; sometimes it is impossible to hear some of the lines of dialogue, particularly from obligatory female romantic interest Crystal Gerrity (Chloe Webb, in what is among the very worst all-time performances by a film actress).

4) This movie was made as an obvious quick cash-in on Bob Hoskin's newfound success in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (see #1 for the particular scene that was featured most prominently in the movie's trailer).

5) The acting performances are, by and large, awful. Hoskins pretty much plays the same character as he did in WFRR; however, his character here is more blustery, bullying (not to mention racist) and completely unlikable. Washington, so marvelous in CRY FREEDOM (1987) and GLORY, I'm sure would like this movie dropped from his resume, as it makes him look like a horrible actor. Roger E. Mosley, the veteran African-American actor who has done some great work in his career (such as the 1979 Peter Strauss TV-movie THE JERICHO MILE, plus the popular TV show "Magnum, P.I." as well as the excellent 1992 Ray Liotta psycho-cop thriller UNLAWFUL ENTRY), here plays Hoskins' captain and is basically used as a prop (ho, ho, the racist cop's boss is black). As for Chloe Webb, please see #3.

Well, there you have my 2 cents on this POS. If you want to subject yourself to 100 slow minutes of bad cinema that passes like 200, then by all means go waste your time with HEART CONDITION. You have been warned; it comes with a no-laugh guarantee (non-refundable).

AVOID

Rating:
Summary: Heart Attack!
Review: Beware of purported "comedies" with big-name stars but a no-name director. You might just get burned.

HEART CONDITION (1990) fits that cautionary note all too well. Starring Bob Hoskins, coming right off his star-making role in the innovative, popular and wonderful WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1998), and Denzel Washington, coming right off his Oscar-winning supporting performance in GLORY (1989)---one of the greatest films of all time, by the way---this mismatched nightmare of a "comedy" was directed by no-name James D. Parriot; actually misdirected is a more accurate description. Having looked like a spritely, funny romp from the commercial trailers on TV, I rented it soon after it first became available on video.

Boy, how wrong trailers can be! At the very beginning, during the opening credits, I was immediately puzzled by the tone of the film, as it appeared dark and out-of-focus, certainly not the "spritely funny romp" I had expected. But it got worse---much worse as it went along. Bob Hoskins stars as racist L.A. cop Jack Moony who chases burgler Napoleon Stone (Denzel Washington), then suffers a major heart attack; so major, in fact, that he needs to undergo a transplant, stat! Well, unbeknowst to Jack (at first), bad ol' Nappy Stone got killed soon after (don't ask me how, it was so long and so much interest ago), and---whaddya know!---he's got the same exact blood type as the racist cop, so the surgeon transplants his heart into Jack! Ho, ho. Oh, and for whatever unknown reason, Stone's ghost begins to follow Moody wherever he goes, demanding justice for his murder. They argue, occasionally fight (usually in front of perplexed onlookers who stare at the pudgy police officer apparently wrestling with himself), and before long---surprise, surprise!---become unlikely friends. Oh, and somewhere along the line, they (I think) actually get around to finding out who did Napoleon Stone in, but by that time, we're long past the point of caring.

Some of HEART CONDITION'S numerous major flaws:

1) It's not funny; in fact, it is desperately unfunny. A film that is billed as a comedy---which HEART CONDITION clearly was, as it featured a scene where Hoskins is wrestling a hamburger from ghost Denzel and the camera shows the third-person perspective of Hoskins wrestling with himself.

2) The visual aspect is all muddy, and completely wrong for a comedy.

3) The *sound* is muddled; sometimes it is impossible to hear some of the lines of dialogue, particularly from obligatory female romantic interest Crystal Gerrity (Chloe Webb, in what is among the very worst all-time performances by a film actress).

4) This movie was made as an obvious quick cash-in on Bob Hoskin's newfound success in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (see #1 for the particular scene that was featured most prominently in the movie's trailer).

5) The acting performances are, by and large, awful. Hoskins pretty much plays the same character as he did in WFRR; however, his character here is more blustery, bullying (not to mention racist) and completely unlikable. Washington, so marvelous in CRY FREEDOM (1987) and GLORY, I'm sure would like this movie dropped from his resume, as it makes him look like a horrible actor. Roger E. Mosley, the veteran African-American actor who has done some great work in his career (such as the 1979 Peter Strauss TV-movie THE JERICHO MILE, plus the popular TV show "Magnum, P.I." as well as the excellent 1992 Ray Liotta psycho-cop thriller UNLAWFUL ENTRY), here plays Hoskins' captain and is basically used as a prop (ho, ho, the racist cop's boss is black). As for Chloe Webb, please see #3.

Well, there you have my 2 cents on this POS. If you want to subject yourself to 100 slow minutes of bad cinema that passes like 200, then by all means go waste your time with HEART CONDITION. You have been warned; it comes with a no-laugh guarantee (non-refundable).

AVOID

Rating:
Summary: Good story for light entertainment
Review: Bob Hoskins plays Jack Moony, a policeman following a suspicious criminal lawyer played by Denzel Washington. The lawyer is murdered. The policmen has a heart attack and receives his heart from the lawyer. Now the spirit of the murdered lawyer wants the cop to capture his killer--he also wants his transplanted heart to be taken care of. Nice summer movie, light entertainment

Rating:
Summary: Good story for light entertainment
Review: Bob Hoskins plays Jack Moony, a policeman following a suspicious criminal lawyer played by Denzel Washington. The lawyer is murdered. The policmen has a heart attack and receives his heart from the lawyer. Now the spirit of the murdered lawyer wants the cop to capture his killer--he also wants his transplanted heart to be taken care of. Nice summer movie, light entertainment

Rating:
Summary: One star is too good for this turkey
Review: Denzel Washington and Bob Hoskins tested many critics' high opinion of them by co-starring in this awful supernatural comedy. Hoskins is a racist cop with a weak heart. Washington is a slick lawyer who dies and has his heart transplanted into Hoskins. Denzel's ghost haunts Hoskins. Picture "Watermelon Man" and "All of Me" combined, and done stupidly. The low point comes when Hoskins awakes after his operation and finds a huge black dildo his prankster buddies have planted in his pajamas. The two antagonists must work together to catch Denzel's murderers and save Hoskins' hooker sweetheart Chloe Webb. Denzel won his Oscar for "Glory" not long before this was released; if not for that, it probably would've gone straight to video. It would be a waste of time and money even to rent this (never mind buy it) to see for yourself how bad it is.