Deadly Snail vs. Kung Fu Killer

Rating:
Summary: A Kung Fu film without any Kung Fu!
Review: Despite this DVD's title, cover picture, etc., it's not reallya Kung Fu film. In fact, only about 5 of it's 88 minutes has any fighting at all, and what little there is is sloppy and amateurish.

So, what exactly is this film? It's a very low budget, silly fantasy film: boy meets snail, boy rescues snail, snail becomes human and marries boy ... Actually, it's even stupider than it sounds!

The picture itself is full-screen and atrociously dubbed in English. The transfer is pretty good, considering it's age.

Why, I wonder, with so many really cool unreleased old Kung Fu films out there, does Tai Seng have to release such monstrosities? END

Rating:
Summary: Wow. Its sad because its true, and its funny because its sad
Review: I haven't actually seen the DVD, but I'm guessing that it's no better than the old video version I was witness to. For you see, there are many kinds of martial arts movies. Most are average, some are quite good, and then there are those films that are so bad that they must be seen. This one, obviously, falls into the latter category.

The whole thing starts with a lowly peasant saving a snail shell from a snake. It turns out that the snail was a fairy princess (and not very deadly when you get down to it), and the snake was a demon, and was trying to kill the snail (is he the kung fu killer?). It is never honestly explained just why the snake was after the snail, but she probably owed him money, or something like that.

Half the movie later there is some kung fu, but it is really bad. The fighters, it seems, move as nice and slow so that they don't screw up. This "fighting" either involves the fairy snail's sisters beating up logs suspended on strings, or something that resembles a group of drunks slugging it out.

Not only is the kung fu bad, but so is the acting, the translation and the scenery (half the movie was shot on one location dressed up to look different each time, the other half appeared to be shot in the local cable access studio complete with fake plants and sky-painted backdrop).

The writing was not that good either. It seemed to me that the ending was not so much contrived as put together by a board of seriously hung over writers. The hero, previously killed, is brought back to life (we can chalk that up to fairy magic), the minor villains sort of freeze in place (if that's also fairy magic, its spreading thin) and the arch villain sort of disappears from the movie altogether (demon magic?). Even before that characters come and go willy-nilly. Also, when the snail fairy's two sisters need to bail her out of trouble, we get the following, now classic, exchange:

BLUE FAIRY: We need to help our sister!
PINK FAIRY: We can't leave the undersea palace, we'll be punished!
BLUE FAIRY: Oh, we can be punished later.

Those might not be the exact lines, but even if they weren't, it's honestly that ill conceived. The blue fairy was kind of hot though...

You can call that bad translation of the script if you like, but I call "bad translation of the script" the fact that for half the picture the characters refer to the snail shell as a ring.

In the film's defense, it spent most of its budget on special effects. People vanish, the camera zooms in at odd times, that sort of thing.

So, why does it deserve five stars? Because you really feel the tense emotion when the hero's evil uncle sends his gang of thugs to beat him up and steal his fairy wife. As he watches his minions do his dirty work, the uncle starts to grin. And things only get better when the uncle starts to giggle as his thugs are flattened by, you guessed it, fairy magic. One does land in a septic tank, so maybe he was laughing at that.

Rating:
Summary: Some Ok. fighting but....
Review: I put this DVD (a friend gave it to me?) into my player and awaited the titlescreen to appear. And so it did.. This was not at all what I had expected, something out of the ordinary. You really have to see it for yourself, I can not give away the plot. I would just like to recommend it to all of them karate nad Kung-fu fans outthere

Rating:
Summary: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Review: THIS IS THE FUNNIEST MOVIE I HAVE EVER SEEN!!!!!!!!

the small amount of fighting
the horrible dubbing
bad acting
all makes for an incredibly funny movie, it is so BAD it is incredibly funny and I suggest you buy it!