Ticker

Rating:
Summary: Do not buy!
Review: This movie is horrible! (...) There are extras in this movie that have longer roles than [Nas]. Steven Seagal give his normal acting performance, a really bad one. He tries to be a Zen master but ends up sounding like a (...) that quit school after 2nd grade. The only good thing about this movie is the explosions, if you want plot don't come here, you won't find anything that could even be called a distant cousin of plot.

Rating:
Summary: MAD BOMBER.....THIS IS NOT SPEED OK
Review: This movie start out great with a hostage situation that went amuck. After that, the movie got bad in such a way that there is no point in return. Steven Seagal and Tom Sizemore are suppose to be the stars but i got to watch NAS ya know. Okay, now NAS...don't quit your dayjob cuz you can't act. Seagal can't act either but he knows martial arts and that is good enough in the Hollywood Biz. Tom was great in Black Hawk Down and he does a good job yet the movie was so badly script that you can't tell. The leading lady in this picture is no other than Jaime P and boy is she bonita!!! This movie she is still bonita but the problem is no one has a clue why she is doing in this movie. I guess to sell the movie.

I say this is the worst action movie i have seen in a long while and i can't recommend it unless you a big Steven or Tom fan. NAS stint is too short to even notice he was there other than his bad acting. The Director should be put into the hall of bad movie sham.

Rent it if you want to see how NOT to make a movie.

Rating:
Summary: Hurts Sooooo Good!!!
Review: This was one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Yet, Seagal still reigns supreme as the quintessential, lover-warrior, singer-songwriter extraordinaire. And further proves my strong belief that he should be cast as a member of the Jedi Council in the upcoming Star Wars film. It would be a travesty for Lucas to overlook this magnificent talent of biblical and mythical proportions. In other words, Seagal is mysterious and powerful and his mystery is only exceeded by his power.

Leaving my bias for Seagal aside, I agree that Ticker is in fact a horrible, terrible film, further proving what I call the "Seagal Title Regression Postulation." According to my hypothesis, this addition to the data (Ticker) proves the postulation which clearly states that with the exception of Under Seige (one of the human race's finest accomplishments), that there is a direct correlation between the quality of Seagal films and the number of words in the a particular movie's title. For example films with three word titles (e.g. Out for Justice, Hard to Kill, etc.) are fantastic on many levels. However, in making the transition later in his career to films with 2 word titles (e.g. The Patriot) the overall Seagal experience is diminished substantially. With Ticker, and the final evolution to the 1 word movie title Seagal has reached the nadir of his film career. Fear not Seagal fans, for this postulation also contains a prophecy. Seagal will make a glorious return to 3 word movie titles and reclaim his position as an everlasting icon as an American bad[bootie], restoring his status as the greatest American martial-arts expert.

***For super Seagal afficionados only***
If you are fortunate enough to own a DVD copy of Ticker, look closely at the cleverly disguised lead singer of the blues band playing at the jazz bar. You will be splendidly surprised.

Rating:
Summary: tick...tick...tick...KABOOM!
Review: Ticker is such a jaw-droppingly awful film that the five star rating is to HIGHLY recommended it for Seagal fans who must see what a shell of his former self the big man has become.

Ticker got a straight-to-DVD release in 2001 for a couple of glaring reasons:

1) it's absolutely one of the worst films I have seen in recent memory, and yes, I do like Seagal movies for what they are
2) after 9/11 this movie must have looked like one of the worst decisions anyone involved with it could have made

To sum up--Sizemore is a cop on the edge, Seagal works in the bomb squad, and Dennis Hopper is an ex-IRA mad bomber terrorist who is blowing up San Francisco because...I don't remember, really. After 9/11 the mad bomber/terrorist story line made Ticker about as bankable as a Howard the Duck sequel. And, of course, the film is appalling.

Where to begin? I wasn't expecting much. Just a bad B-movie with enough action to while away 90 minutes or so. Between Seagal, Tom Sizemore, Dennis Hopper, Peter Greene, and Nas all showing up, how bad could it be?

Bad. The film is literally so incoherent that I had difficulty following what was going on in whole sequences. There are gun battles where everyone looks the same, everyone is shooting, and you can't follow the action. The editing is so bad that the film often resembles a series of scenes just spliced together. A bomb is being disabled in one place, and then there's an explosion in another, and then someone is walking around somewhere, we don't know where. The police station is filmed from the same angle over and over, suggesting that if someone stepped the wrong day the set wall would come crashing down. The acting is laughable, as if everyone was equally embarrassed to be involved. Dennis Hopper's Irish accent (which disappears and then reappears in true bad-film-accent-style) is amusing, as are the other Irish 'terrorists' (merely bad looking guys in black leather jackets). Jamie Pressley, whose face looks like it
was warped by one of those computer programs, plays a terrorist. Uh huh. By the time Ice-T showed up for all of 15 seconds, I was convinced he just happened to be wandering by the set that day when they gave him a part.

Speaking of black leather jackets, it seems the entire cast got a cut rate deal on form-disguising wardrobes. A very bloated Tom
Sizemore walks around the entire film in the same outfit. It looks like he had a month between rehab stints or court appearances to make this film, and he phones in a performance that includes him screaming in his dying partner's face, "Don't die!" as well as screaming at witnesses to "Tell me his name!"

Then there's Seagal. You want to believe he can mount another comeback, but there's no chance. You'd think that after Exit Wounds he would be back in the game. Instead he's back on the Weight Gainer 2000, like he's gone from worshipping Buddha to trying to resemble him. He's enormous in this film, clad in black, his hairline disappearing, his dialogue (and bizarre accent) as laughable as any he's done, and then some. He spends most of the film sitting down, filmed like Brando in Apocalypse Now to hide his appearance. By the time he hoists his bulk out of a chair, his fight scenes are once again filmed in almost total darkness so we have no idea what's going on. We see hands moving, limbs flying, Seagal's face a mask of constipation, all to hide the fact that he is completely incapable of doing any stunt work or anything resembling a convincing fight scene. Matter of fact, I have no doubt that Seagal's contract stipulates that he cannot be photographed to look as fat as he really is or that he can't actually exert himself beyond reciting Zen nonsense while someone is trying to disarm a bomb. The man is an embarrassment, but the fact that he goes on with the charade lends him a certain charm. I will continue to watch his movies with the morbid curiosity of someone who wants to see just how bad things can get.

The amazing part is that 99% of the people watching Ticker will know more about police procedure, terrorism, and film making than the people behind this movie. Some kind of credit must be given for the total disregard of anything resembling quality that went into it.

Seagal is determined to play up his bad boy, mysterious man with a mysterious past, Zen spouting, tough guy persona to the bitter end, so why not tune in for a good laugh? He has at least one classic bit where he actually kicks the bumper of a car hard enough to deploy an airbag, a scene I had to rewind because I was laughing so hard.

I could go on and on, that's how bad the whole affair is. Ticker is, in my humble opinion, Seagal's worst hour. And given such efforts as Half Past Dead and The Patriot, that is saying something. Don't let anyone in the cast fool you--it's bad. It's bad-TV-movie bad.

Rating:
Summary: Steven ! I dont want to see you like this.
Review: While I had been watching Seagal's previous movies I always thougt his next movie will rock the world. Unfortunately I never saw him reach his full potential. He is more than a good martial artist but he consistently underestimates himself.

In this movie I approve the choice of actors who are all special characters but they have been wasted by a bad scnerio and terrible directing. There is nothing to be seen in this movie. Unless you have endless time and patience for stupidity.

I dont understand how, a clever person like Seagal signs up for this movie. I hope to see him have some self respect and loose some weight. His fight scenes were terrible. I only saw some people flying around and Segal's hands are moving around like of a comedian immitating martial artists.

Those supporting gunmen for mastermind bombers act like suicide bombers, have no motive defined to act like that and they have no way planned to get out of there safely. There are no communication between the gunman and mastermind bombers. Swat team members act like they are 11 years old and playing with water pistols. They can hardly carry their own weight. There are so many unnecessary conversations.

Seagal always implies in his movies that a proper people like those characters played by Seagal in his movies are always misunderstood and unappreciated by most in soceity. I agree with this. Now I wish to see him in a fantastic movie in which he acts as a superhero like those in Mortal Combat or Big trouble in little chine. Let us be in a dream world.

He should also cuts his contacts with whoever responsible for signing him for this movie :) And surrender himself with some bright people.

I only wish him good because he is an inspiration as a character