Star Wars - Episode II, Attack of the Clones (Widescreen Edition)

Rating:
Summary: The Least
Review: This is the very least of all five Star Wars films. I thought Ep. I was actually pretty good, despite it's lack of energy. (Personally, I think Darth Maul made that film. Without him, I'd call it an average film at best.)

Ep. II was mediocore at best and highly disappointing. I won't go into too much, because I don't need to rehash all the cons that have already been mentioned. I agree with most of them.

What Attack of the Clones felt like to me was another director, writer, studio trying to rip off the Star Wars franchise. It didn't really feel like a Star Wars movie. It looked and felt more like Judge Dredd or that futuristic film with Bruce Willis. Did we really need to see Jango and Boba Fett out of "costume?" It took a lot of mystery away from the best bounty hunter in film history. That manufactured army of clones also had a Star Wars rip-off feel to it.

I've only seen this film once. Tell me it gets better the second time, because I'll have to watch it again before Ep. III comes out in May.

Rating:
Summary: Any trace of dignity in George Lucas is gone.
Review: Apparently there is yet another movie in this long-winded series forthcoming. On the very, very remote chance that George Lucas will ever come across this review, I must offer him a piece of advice: don't make it. You have already inflicted enough pain on us and enough humiliation on yourself. There was a revival of Star Wars nerds in 1997 when Lucas greedily rereleased his dumb trilogy with 'updated effects,' and again in 2001 when Lucas started (gasp) making more Star Wars movies, on the basis that what we already had was an 'incomplete story.' It was a painful time, especially when that idiot with his face painted red and black started showing up on our magazine covers.

The second film of the post-millenial revival is nothing less than a nightmare. The computer generated effects are completely uninteresting, the actors are bored, embarassed and poorly rehearsed (never have I seen such woodenness in a major hollywood film), the direction is sloppy and incompetent, the script is a mishmash of soap opera and half-baked pretension, and there is a distinct monotony and repetativeness to everything that takes place. The utter lack of imagination in a science fiction film is always the kiss of death, and in this case it should be a fairly obvious signal to George Lucas: this premise has already been stretched much farther than it was ever meant to.

I will try to give you an idea of how bad this movie is. You know that pathetic Star Wars rip-off called 'Space Mutiny' that got ruthlessly torn apart on MST3K, and is known as one of the absolute worst excuses for Science Fiction ever committed to celluloid? The one with the spaceship that is obviously a factory, and futuristic costumes that are obviously from the 80s? Well, I would rather watch that than 'Attack of the Clones.' The actors were more enthusiastic about their characters and the action was more exciting. Now, Mr. Lucas, if you have read this far, take a look at 'Space Mutiny,' consider what I've written here, and weep at the monstrosity you have created. After that, retire from the film business.