Swordsman with an Umbrella

Rating:
Summary: Best movie.... EVER
Review: ...Swordsman with an Umbrella is the only movie you will ever need for the rest of your life. And I think I can speak for everyone in the film industry when I say that this movie is no less than a triumph of the human spirit. It will inspire with emotion, frighten with intensity and leave you breathless with its cliffhanger of an ending.

The movie follows the adventures and misadventures of a one Iron Umbrella Man on his search for the lost idol of Metropolis. Wait no, that's not even a real plot. Actually, he is out for revenge against the people who killed his master. Well since his master suicided himself, I guess he was out for revenge against the people who made his master sad.

Now that you know the general plot, you must understand how utterly exquisite 'Swordsman' truly is. Take everything you love about Kung Fu movies, multiply that by 10, inflate it with helium, and stick it in a microwave for 15 minutes on high; and you still won't be anywhere near the only word that can describe this movie: Awesometastic.
Now I know what you're thinking, "But Luke, how can a movie be so awesome and fantastic that it is awesometastic?"
Well first off my name is John, not Luke you moron. And second off, the reason it seems so incomprehensible is because no other single concept or tangible object of any kind in the history of the world has achieved the shining brilliance that denotes the term 'awesometastic,' and there is a good chance that nothing in the future ever will again.

While watching this movie, there are many things to look for that help you know that you are watching a masterpiece. I put them into list form for you because lists are cool.
1) The exquisite locales used for filming; such as a forest,and a house.
2) The intense and well-choreographed fight scenes which far surpass those of 'Dark Star'.
3) The many memorable one-liners given by the hero like "what do you mean by that?"
4) The loveable cast of side characters like the pacifist girl and the man with hands of steel but a heart of gold.
5) The excellent dubbing and superior DVD quality of the film, giving one the distinct sense of 'being there.' Or at least 'being somewhat around the general vicinity.'

So in conclusion, if there ever was anything more capable of bringing about world peace than this film, I would personally destroy that thing. Once you have this movie you will never want to be away from it... unless you're going to buy another copy of it.
Buy this movie now and disappointment will fail to find you.

Rating:
Summary: "I KNOW YOU! YOU'RE MAGIC HANDS!"
Review: Man, these people are stupid! What the hell is wrong with you!? This movie is about some dumb-a$$ with an umbrella who is seeking revenge against some guy with a scar on his face! THE END! What makes this movie bad is the distributor! They delibrately provided their own style of english dubbing which sounds like they did it in their own basement or house or whatever! And their voices sound gay! All around the dubbing is beyond stupid! I'll bet they had the movie in it's original language cause of the english/chinese subtitles! They delibrately ruined a horrible movie! The movie itself is bad! It has some of the worst fight choreography of all time! I doesn't even look like they're fighting at all! The story is mentally retarded as well! I can't believe that there are people who actually exsist on this planet who would give this movie 5 stars! It's probably becuz you are one of those people who are amused by anything, considering your non-exsistent intelligence! Word to the wise, don't get this movie if you are smart!

Rating:
Summary: Worth the $5 and more...
Review: One of my favorite movies, only because of how bad it is. A real party movie you can laugh at all day, drunk, high, sober, whatever.
Movie outline:
- Biggest thing in this movie is the walking, a lot of walking.
- Substandard acting, fight scenes suck so bad, guys just fall down. You can see them get back up, breathe, etc.
- Subtitles almost never match dubbing
- Probably the worst kung fu movie ever

My favorite part of the movie is when Iron Umbrella Man's teacher kills himself. He simply slaps the palm of his hand against his forhead and BAM he is dead. If you think that is messed up thats is what most of the movie is like, yep totally awesome.
So buy this movie buy it now buy it buy it but it. It would probably be good to get it used. I got it for $5 and was ecstatic. Hope you enjoy.

Rating:
Summary: Worth the $5 and more...
Review: One of my favorite movies, only because of how bad it is. A real party movie you can laugh at all day, drunk, high, sober, whatever.
Movie outline:
- Biggest thing in this movie is the walking, a lot of walking.
- Substandard acting, fight scenes suck so bad, guys just fall down. You can see them get back up, breathe, etc.
- Subtitles almost never match dubbing
- Probably the worst kung fu movie ever

My favorite part of the movie is when Iron Umbrella Man's teacher kills himself. He simply slaps the palm of his hand against his forhead and BAM he is dead. If you think that is messed up thats is what most of the movie is like, yep totally awesome.
So buy this movie buy it now buy it buy it but it. It would probably be good to get it used. I got it for $5 and was ecstatic. Hope you enjoy.

Rating:
Summary: NO SPOILERS POSTED JUST GOOD OLE REVIEWING GOIN' ON HERE
Review: This film video owns so much I want to cry. If you order it from amazon.com, cause that's DEFINITELY the way to get it, then watch it with friends, cause when you do it alone it's not as fun. Just seeing the scenes unfold with such precision grace and beauty evinces a real master at work.
The movie opens, and this SURELY is not a spoiler cause it happens within the first 30 seconds but not really cause the first 30 seconds is really just walking which pretty much is the whole movie oh man you're doing it again just stick to the material, with a woman's entrapment in a bar. When she's asked politely to drink wine, true persecution is surely at work in such a brutal feudal Japan, or China, or Laos; and Iron Umbrella totally loses it on all of them. Wielding his umbrella with his infamous catch phrase, "SHUT UP! TAKE CARE!," along to one of the most lovable movie soundtracks of all time, KELLY's HERO's, Iron Umbrella man surely embodies everything heroic about the word, umbrella. So when you grab this movie, and get pumped up beyond belief, don't blame me when you get so pumped up you told your principle SHUT UP TAKE CARE and lost it on him cause this movie should have a disclaimer its so incindiery and controversial. Also recommended: FIST OF LEGEND, TOUCH OF DEATH. Yep, absolutely no spoilers.

Rating:
Summary: "Citizen Kane" meets "Jade Dagger Ninja." "Citizen Ninja"?
Review: Without a doubt, the greatest of all films. There are the classic characters set for you at the outset: the damsel in distress, the guy with an umbrella that, in all actuality, would weigh about seventy pounds, except it's made out of cardboard. And of course, the villain; a monster who looks like an over sized child who made his own ghost costume for Halloween out of a black trash bag.

And talk about scenery! As our hero walks, much more than need be, we can find it's easy to remember that this film was made on location in Asia! Just where in Asia is a bit of a mystery. Siberia? India? North Korea? The list goes on and on, my friends.

And the fact that the movie is very poorly dubbed and subtitled (in two languages as I recall) is not a downside; it is the greatest bonus any movie could ever have! For added fun, follow the plot of the subtitles halfway through the film, then switch to the dubbing! It makes perfect sense! Well, sort of.

Now, as the other reviewers have told you, one of the greatest parts of the film is the unfortunate death of Iron Umbrella's master. But still another triumph of this film that everyone else has failed to mention is the "slow-motion" technique used in the climatic final confrontation between Iron Umbrella and the fellow who looks like Casper the Unintelligent Ghost. At one point, the two warriors leap into the air (sort of) and stab at each other. Since the director decided that slow motion would look good, but couldn't afford it, he kindly asked the actors to move as slowly as possible. They attempt this, and do pretty good job until one of them trips. We cut to the next scene pretty quick after that.

One of the interesting things about this film is that most of the people who worked behind the camera have the same last name. Coincidence? I think not. Obviously the director knew that only members of his own family could have the skills to create such an excellent project as this.

In the end, what do we really have in theaters these days? A handful of wannabes. As a filmmaker myself, when I hold the ninja epics I have created in my backyard to this masterpiece, I see that I can never make such a film. So I implore you, purchase six copies of this DVD, and lay any other movies you own in the driveway and run them over; you don't need them. And while you're at it, give "Swordsman with an Umbrella" as a present. It makes a perfect wedding gift, believe me.