Frankenfish

Rating:
Summary: Welcome to the bottom of the barrel...
Review: Actually, the tagline for the movie is `Welcome to the bottom of the food chain', but I think mine is more suitable. Directed by Mark Dippé, once computer special effects artist on such films like The Abyss (1989), Back to the Future Part II (1989), Ghost (1990), and Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991), his ambitions have since led him into the realm of directing (does everyone in Hollywood aspire to direct?) with the film Spawn (1997) and now Frankenfish (2004). The movie stars Tory Kittles (Malibu's Most Wanted, Paparazzi), once MTV host, now movie actress K.D. Aubert (Friday After Next, Soul Plane), and someone named China Chow (The Bit Hit).

Okay, so here's the deal...the film takes place in the Louisiana swamps (or so we're told, but it looked more like it took place mainly on a river than a swamp) and involves a mysterious creature who seems to have developed a taste for Cajun food as a local poacher gets ate up real good, leaving behind a rather funky torso and many unanswered questions. Medical examiner Sam Rivers (Kittles) is sent to investigate, taking with him Mary Callahan (Chow), a gooberment employee for the wildlife and fisheries agency, as the nature of the attack indicates it was caused by an animal of some sort. The pair make their way down the river and reach a secluded area, populated by a handful of somewhat embarrassing stereotypes, living on seedy and ramshackle, permanently anchored, houseboats. The residents think there's evil swamp monster in the waters, but it turns out to be a huge, voracious, mutated fish imported from somewhere for some reason or other (I won't bother telling you how the fish got here, as the reasoning provided is so utterly stupid and moronic it actually boggled my mind). Anyway, as the nature of the creature is revealed, the small group finds themselves trapped, their numbers quickly diminish, and the only option they have is to fight for their very lives.

There just wasn't a lot for me to like in this film. I will say the two main female characters, played by Aubert and Chow, were really attractive so at least there was that (neither one gets nekkid). The cast seems comprised entirely of actors best suited to be supporting players. There were no standout performances and little chemistry, and subsequently, no real interest on my part whether the characters lived or died (which most of them do...the film is bloated with useless, obviously expendable, characters whose sole purpose is to suffer gruesome deaths caused by unexceptional CGI work...that's short for Character Generated Images, by the way). The only actor I recognized was Richard Edson, who played one of the garage attendants (the white one) in the John Hughes film Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), appearing here as a rather dopey looking Rastafarian with awful-looking dreadlocks, a penchant for nudism, fruit, and the wacky tobaccy. Also, as always in movies like this, there's a character within the small group we're supposed to dislike from the get go so that when he gets killed, we can all say, "Well, he deserved it." Problem was, while he was presented as kind of a jerk, he was nowhere near as jerky as the other characters perceived him to be, at least initially. This only served to make the characters appear like condescending, judgmental halfwits deserving the same fate set aside for the original jerk. I've seen a lot of mutated animal films involving snakes, alligators, crocodiles, sharks, etc., but a giant, killer tuna? How in the world are you supposed to be afraid of this? Or even take it seriously? Look out, here come Charley Tuna, and he wants to nibble on your bum bum...the directing wasn't all that bad (not that great either), and the special effects, which consisted of both puppetry and CGI work (mainly the latter) look exactly like what it was, reasonably inexpensive special effects created for a reasonably low-budget film. The two elements that really hurt this movie were the story and the script. As far as the story, had they just went with the standard gooberment and/or evil corporation created monstrosity scenario, I probably would have dinged them a little for trotting out a hackneyed plot, but instead they tried to get cute and develop a completely idiotic premise I found about as hard to swallow as a bucket of greasy, gooey chum. As far as the script goes, it was horrendously inept and lacked any real sense of realism. It was just so very awkward, riddled with foolish statements, clumsy proclamations, and unnecessary profanity. I know some will say I'm expecting too much from a film like this, but I don't think it's wrong to expect filmmakers to treat their audiences like they have some degree of intelligence. I can suspend my disbelief to a great extent, but I felt too much was expected of me here, as the story and script were unwilling to meet me halfway. Another thing...the movie was just plain boring...when you have little or no interest in the characters because they're either lifeless 2 dimensional constructs or just generally unlikable (or both), how are you supposed to be interested in what's going on? One might say. "Well, at least you can watch the attack scenes"...well, yes, that's true, but what there was was very short and to far in-between, ultimately leaving us with the lame story and annoying characters again. I really didn't come into this expecting a lot, and I think I'm usually pretty generous when I feel at least a effort is put forth, but I didn't see that here, so it was disappointing that this film couldn't even rise to meager level of goodness I placed on it prior to its' start.

The high-definition, widescreen anamorphic print (1:78:1) does look excellent, and the audio is very good. Special features are pretty minimal, comprised of about six trailers (one for this one) of other Columbia Tristar releases.

Cookieman108


Rating:
Summary: Oh, Denzel where have you gone?
Review: As I have mentioned elsewhere, I collect really bad movies. Incredible little beauties like anything (hell, EVERYTHING) Ed Wood ever did and BEAST FROM YUCCA FLATS, etc, grace my shelves. When I saw the title I knew I had to have this movie.

It doesn't fit.

Far from my usual fare, the acting is, for the most part, credible. The lead (who sounds very much like a young Denzel Washington) actor is quite good, in fact, as is his biologist sidekick. The women are pretty, the men are manly (grin), and with a couple of exceptions, the effects aren't too bad. The front view of the fish swimming toward the camera wasn't very good, but when it came out of the water and attacked, it was well done. I liked the bad guys, I liked the good guys. I could have done without the gratuitus nudity that served no purpose whatsoever (story-wise) except as a come-on for teenage boys. Thanks but no thanks. If I want to see nudity I'll get it elsewhere and in better quality.

I'm about to spoil the ending here so go no farther if you intend to see this movie. I loved the baby fish swarming over the lawyer at the end. I thought it very well done. As was the big male fish slamming into the back of the air boat.

Whether or not you buy this film just depends on what you like. Rent it if nothing else. I considered the money well spent and will recommend it to my horror flick loving friends. Not a great movie, but watchable. Especially the ending.

Rating:
Summary: CGI killed the monster movie
Review: I feel bad for this movie. I really do. I mean, first, look at the name of it, and look at the box. You're not expecting much are you? Maybe a really low B-movie that's full of nothing but rediculous gore and tons of nudity thrown in just to mix it up a little bit. Well, you do get a little nudity and pleanty of gore, but there's a problem. They actually tried to make this look like a triple A movie. I'm not kidding. The film quality is good, locations are great, and even the CG is above the standard for that of your usual primetime show. But that didn't fool me. The whole time watching Frankenfish, I was shaking my head, wondering how the hell this thing got released. It's bad enough Scarecrow Gone Wild is out, but this...this just shouldn't happen. There's too much wrong going on to cancel out the whole "let's make this look like a real movie!" thing.

Since Amazon doesn't have a cast list for the movie on this page, and I really don't want to poison my computer by popping in the disc to hear the names, I'm unable to give you the "real" names of the characters in the movie. So, I'll just make up my own. Either way, it's easier to understand it that way, since they almost never said eachother's names in the movie. So we start out with some hick who's fishing in a swamp somewhere in the south. He catches a bite on his hook and goes to recover whatever it is. Well, he gets pulled in, and mutilated. The cops investigate the scene and this is where they get Generic Smart Guy Who Can't Act (GSGWCA) to go and find out what caused his death since no one was around the hick when it happened. He pairs up with Demi-Attractive Scientist Woman to see if it was an animal attack...since we all know that swamp gators are capable of breaking a guy's jaw off and skinning the stump of the victim's arm with such precision. They both travel down the swamp, trying to give eachother acting lessons, and encounter...another hick. He tells them that he was friends with the guy who died and takes them to meet his other hick buddies down the swamp where they all live on boats. Charming isn't it? Let's see who we have here. There's Obligatory Crazy Magic Woman, Nudist Stoner Guy, Nudist Woman Who Doesn't Stand A Chancce, Generic Black Girl (or Eve reject...though that takes skill as Eve's already a reject), geeky lawyer jerk, and another hick with a Spanish name who doesn't talk to anyone. One by one, they're all picked off pretty brutally and we're given life messages. Like when the stoner guy dies, Eve-reject goes into his boat to see if the motor works so they can leave. But no, she notices his drugs and goes "HE WAS TOO STONED TO FIX THE BOAT" for about 10 minutes. See, if you're stoned, then you can't save people from a giant fish. Which brings me to another thing, the Frankenfish themselves. First, there's just one of them. But when it dies, another shows up. What's going on? Well it just so happens that some rich hick who has his own stripper bought them to hunt. Yeah, real smart there Dale. He's in kahootz with what I think is an Asian cartel. They never really explain it, but there's two Asian guys who have about 3 minutes of screen time and track down where the fish are somehow. One gets tossed into a boat's massive fan, and the other...I don't even know if he died or not. He just kinda vanishes. Eventually, there are only a few survivors from our great cast, and they "team up" with the rich hick and his hunting buddy who "can kill anything you can think of". Yeah, he doesn't stand a chance either. But there's enough gore to keep B-movie hounds happy, and nudity that made me confused. There's no transition when it happens. It's just *BAM*. Nudity. Oh, I just remembered one of the hicks' names: Elmer. How 'bout that?

Like I mentioned above, the picture quality is good for some reason. It looks fabulous for a movie with such a low budget (I really want to know how much this thing cost to make). And the CG fish looks funny, but still has better quality than say the Centaurs in Xena: Warrior Princess. And oh lordy is there a lot of blood. Amazingly, the disc has subtitles/captions. This is a good thing since half the time, you can't understand what the hicks are saying with all that swamp marsh in their mouths. There's one big problem with the music though. One track is a blatant rip-off of the Halloween theme. For shame.

There were no extras at all. Trailers don't count any more. This isn't 1997. But the trailers were for equally bad movies such as Boa vs Python and Resident Evil 2. I would've liked a commentary on the disc with the director and maybe a special effects guy just to tell us how much some shots cost. Or maybe even interviews with the "actors" on what they were thinking when they signed up for this thing. One scene comes to mind when Eve-reject is talking to Demi-Attractive Scientist Woman about her geeky jerk boyfriend and goes "I'll never meet the right guy". Then the Demi-Attractive Scientist Woman goes "who said it has to be a guy?". Heck, give me interviews with the people that did the script. Anything will do. I just want to know more on what these people were on when making the movie.

Frankenfish...I can't believe I let someone talk me into seeing this thing. But I'll give it two stars for the fact that it was made when the producers weren't looking. That and a lot of the ways people die just plain defy physics and reality. You'll see what I mean when you compare how one of the Frankenfish die to where one of the victims die...the same way, but the results are different. It's too hard to explain without passing out over remembering how horrid things were. And so help me god if they make a sequel.

Rating:
Summary: Frankenfish are Real
Review: Many years ago, it was reported that killer bees would invade the US. As a result there were books and movies that sensationalized it; the most famous being Arthur Herzog's The Swarm. Frankenfish is the nickname of the snakehead, a nasty, vicious, and voracious predator. It grows to five feet, can crawl across land and survive out of water for days. They have been invading many of the countries waterways including, recently, the Great Lakes. It has been feared that the largest species, currently only found in the Northeast, would get to the warmer waters of Florida and the South. This movie goes a step further.

A man has been found mutilated in the Bayou and a medical examiner and a Fish and Wildlife officer set out to investigate. Along the way they befriend a small collection of colorful swamp folk. Soon they realize that there is something bad going on and more people begin to die. A rich guy and a group of Chinese seem to be involved.

In the end we learn that the menace is a snakehead that has been genetically modified. The fish is considered a delicacy in some circles and experiments were run similar to those done to breed better salmon. As this is not reality, the fish became much larger (not just ten or twenty percent) but was not good for the intended purpose. Rich guy has purchased three of these fish but they gout out into the swamp. Who it all resolves and who survives is the main reason to watch this one to the end.

Fans of the genre will recognize quite a few scenes lifted from Lake Placid and one from Jurassic Park The Lost World. Unfortunately the story wanted a swamp and swamp folk but it was all filmed on a sprawling river (there might be swamp to the sides). A few mistakes are made terminologywise for the region (county and not parish for example). But it all comes down to wanting to see a movie where the fish eats people. This movie does deliver on that score. I think it would have been better if the script and scenery matched (substitute "river" for "swamp" and it would have been more believable). Plus, snakeheads are vicious and have killed people before so they could have just had them swarm and be piranha-like and stay away from the growth angle. That would have made the film better, but it is still fun as it stands.

Rating:
Summary: FRANKENFUN
Review: Surprise, surprise! This movie was surpassed my expectations. Although a low budget B movie, it looks and feels quite good for a movie of this genre. The special effects are way above average and the director mounts some suspenseful let's wait to see who gets killed next scenes, and there are some surprises in that, too! The director also avoided the standard bayou cliches, and even with stock type characters, there were some interesting nuances that made them original. Troy Kittles made a nice Denzel-like hero; and the woman who played the voodoo lady was smartly modern, and her voodoo was underplayed.
This is a very good giant monster movie, and I liked it very much.

Rating:
Summary: For a campy good time only...
Review: This movie has every thing you expect from those cheesey Anaconda direct to video knockoffs. A group of diverse, yet unanimous with stupidity, people: check. A thin laced plot involving going somewhere where there will be no easy access to help: check. Cheesey and unbeleivable CGI monsters that supposedly gobble up the live actors: check. To be frank, this was a crappy movie. But to give it credit, it is probably one of the better crappy movies that I have seen.
It has a decent cast to fill out the dummy roles and the lead character is fairly charismatic, but only because you know he is the survivor and you are just drawn to that fact anyway. There is the token druggie, doing a bong in front of everyone like it isn't anybodies buissness and go figure that that same guy would be one of the dummer fish food roles... as he looks into the water to see what it was he thought he saw. DUMB. One thing I did appreciate but did not neccessarily like was how one of the supposed "lead" characters was dispatched without warning, earning a kudos point for creating the unexpected in a movie that is drowned by its predictability. And the monsters... the actors get another Kudos point for managing straight faces as they ran or swam away from something as fake and unterrifying as those creatures looked.
Bottom line: Frankenfish sounds cheesey and dumb, and it is... but honestly, the movie is better than its title suggests.

Rating:
Summary: Amazingly good
Review: Well, what can I say. I never would have thought this movie would be anything more than mediocre. The title and the Lake Placid-esque cover seemed to promise a turkey but "Frankenfish" turned out to be a little gem peppered with generous doses of gore and nudity. I feel completely justified in handing out 5 stars to this movie; it ain't great art but it's enthralling and entertaining the whole way through.

Upon hearing of two gruesome dismemberments deep in the Louisiana bayou, a medical examiner (Tory Kittles) and a biologist (China Chow) are sent to investigate the deaths. Examination of the bodies reveals that the body bites were too big for that of an alligator. No kidding! Once the two arrive in the very small bayou community (population: 7) they find themselves surrounded by giant mutated fish leaving them and the town's 7 inhabitants trapped.

Anyone who enjoyed the cult classic "Tremors" will get a real kick out of this one. There are many similarities to be drawn; two outsiders enter a minuscule community in a remote area, remote area is terrorized by creatures and to survive the people have to stay above ground (in this case above water). I wouldn't say it rips off Tremors; it just borrows a similar concept and then takes it in different directions. Instead of desert style, we get swamp/bayou style.

Of course, a movie like this is never without its problems: For one, how in the world do any of the people in this tiny bayou community earn a living? There are no tourists, no one passing by, it's completely isolated. Fishing perhaps? But who do they sell the fish to? It doesn't make much sense. Also, this film introduces a different angle in that there are humans behind the mutations of these frankenfishies, however that arc is never developed appropriately and the reasoning behind them wanting to make these GM fishies is ridiculously lame.

But who cares? Like I've said, "Frankensish" is a bloody good time. And I do mean bloody. I couldn't believe how good the gore was in this film. It literally splashed and drowned my entire screen blood red with each exceedingly creative kill. The CGI is passable and the close-up looks of the Frankenfish's faces had me laughing my pants off each time. This movie is well-filmed, stylish and gave a great taste of the bayou, I could practically feel the steam blasting me in the face. Don't hesitate to pick up this little gem pronto.


Rating:
Summary: Danger in the Bayou Tonight
Review: When a stuck-up crime scene doctor gets a call to the deepest part of the Louisiana Bayou, he gets more than he can expect. Along with China Chow, the fish and wildlife agent, they encounter Jaws' distant cousin. A giant catfish monster is terrorizing the backwoods! It attacks anything that moves, gators, boats, and of course people.

There are some Chinese folks along with professional hunters who are after the fish too. Check out the Leopard Woman, you know who I'm talking about, whoa mama, what a hottie!

Well you get a White-Jamaican stoner nudist (yes you read that right) decapitation, his nudist wife gets eaten, voodoo witch woman gets bit in half, and poor China takes a BBQed shotgun to the face. You even get a Vietnam Vet who kills the fish with a shotgun. Of course when you kill a thousand pound fish, you gotta throw it on the grill! Well he removes it's heart and throws it on the fire. Only to be eaten himself in a surprise twist.

Also the daughter of the witch is slammin! She's got junk in the truck and a great set of headlights. Guess she'll be getting another job after lawyer boy shows his true colors.

Throw in some magic voodoo tea and you even have a love story. The way they kill the last fish with the airboat was worthy of an Oscar. That was just cool.

Enjoy!!!

Rating:
Summary: A really bad "B" movie or is it a Spoof?
Review: While watching this movie I was not sure if they were trying to spoof the "Anaconda" series or what. This movie is one of the worst movies I have seen this year. Not only was the plot weak the character development was non-existent. The roles are your typical characters, the hippie/stoners, the crazy vet, the undervalued employee and the mean boss. The script even went as far to make the "mean boss" have some of the meanest lines you would ever hear, so that you would cheer for him to be killed by the monster. The problem is that the lines were so bad or not mean enough that I never got to that point. Stay away from this movie; I am sure you can find a better movie to see than this.