Conan the Destroyer

Rating:
Summary: A cheap, but funny and light-hearted sequel.
Review: Though being a fan of Robert E. Howard's short stories I must say that funny and light-hearted are definitely NOT the words I would use to describe Conan.

The story this time has Conan go on a mission for the seductive Queen Taramis (she can be my queen ANY day). He must retrieve a gemstone which unlocks another treasure called the Horn of Dagoth. A treasure that will bring to life an Evil God. Conan doesn't care as Taramis (who was NOT a villain in Howard's short stories, her twin sister Salome however, definitely was) has promised to bring back his dead girlfriend from the first film.

And so with his ragtag group of companions: Malak (a comedy sidekick, but what happened to Subotai from the original?), Zula (Grace Jones, wearing no more than a couple of inches of leather floss), Akiro (Mako, the only returning cast member from the original), Bombaata (on a secret mission to kill Conan) and the virgin Princess Jehnna, Conan takes off on his mission.

The first film was very, very serious but this one plays more like The Dark Crystal than a Conan film. The effects and sets are very typical of early '80s fantasy movies. The violence, though not entirely muted, has been toned down somewhat. Plus Conan talks a lot more in this one. I don't have a problem with this part as he is quite cunning and intelligent in Robert E. Howard's stories. I felt they kind of sold him short in the first film by limiting his dialogue.

Some scenes reek of cheapness. The Toth-Amon/Man-Ape scene is so ridiculously fake. It makes you wonder how the filmmakers took it seriously. But it all it really does is add to the kitschy hokum of it all. And hokum and weirdness is what Howard's stories were all about.

Basil Poledouris' music is the one part of the film that is totally up to scratch. It's not as heavy as his score to the first film but he does introduce new, stronger themes and lighter takes on cues from the first.

And the ending, featuring the resurrected Dagoth reduced to a sub-Godzilla demon is just plain stupid. Not silly. Even a few more minutes of thought put into this would have made it much better.

It's a lot more formulaic and 'Hollywood' than the first. No new ground is broken and it's obviously a film made quickly to cash in on the success of CtB. Another way in which Conan has been sold short. You can tell with some gimmicks present in both films that they were trying to turn this into a long-running series. A shame that never happened. Conan the Destroyer is silly, entertaining fun. But it lacks the serious impact of the original. Oh well, we'd better just sit tight until King Conan: Crown of Iron comes out next year.

Forget this shoddy, non-anamorphic, mono-soundtracked DVD and get the R2 version. It has a much better cover-art and loads of extras including: commentaries, featurettes and a brand new 2.35:1 anamorphic picture and Dolby 5.1 sound.

Rating:
Summary: Conan The Destroyed
Review: With this cheap sequel, the epic grace of the original Conan itself sinks to the level of all the B movies that sought to imitate it. An utterly pathetic sequel that Schwarzenegger should have shunned.

Although the plot was fine, it was the screenplay itself which ruined this film. The whole script was riddled with bad dialogue and stupid action scenes. In contrast to the original's cast of solid characters, the sequel has Conan accompanied by a pack of totally unappealing characters. The worst character is the sidekick thief, Malek, whose only purpose is to utter bad one-liners and act as the buffoon. As for Chamberlain, I'm sorry but the guy can't even act well in a low-grade 'B' film and should have stayed with basketball.

Don't waste your money either buying or renting this film: it's not worth a dime. The only time I saw this film is when it was originally released on the big screen: I don't care to ever watch it again.