Amazons & Gladiators

Rating:
Summary: You didn't REALLY expect masterpiece theater, did you?
Review: Anything named "Amazons and Gladiators" cannot be taken as anything more than "B" movie caliber, and this certainly doesn't disappoint. Like all "B" movies about Amazons, it's about a bunch of naked women running around being sex objects while, somewhat hypocrtically, trying to talk and act convincingly about female empowerment in being MORE than sex objects. Characteristically, this empowerment is derived from the pointy end of a sword (phallic references obvious here, huh?).

Anyone who buys or rents this film expecting something more will be disappointed, but probably hasn't been off the back of the turnip wagon long in that case, anyway. Anyone who says they wish to watch it for the quality of the acting or its historical value is probably trying to convince their wife/girlfriend to see it with them so both can enjoy some lesbian action on screen. They will be disappointed, as there is none of that in this film, despite the lead characters' professed confusion as to what exactly a man IS good for....

The story is typical. Serena, a young girl from Pane (I assume a reference to Pannonia, or present day Hungary) is forced by General Marcus Crassius to participate in her mother's execution (taken straight from an old Charles Bronson western, only without the harmonica). She then becomes a dancing slave girl, who quite chastely refuses the (paid) advances of a Roman senator, slaying him the process and running off with the Amazon warrior who happened to be captive in the same room. She joins the Amazons, and sets out with her trusty sidekick to avenge herself on the evil general that killed her mother. She gets the general, then becomes the Amazon queen and defends women's rights across Roman and barbarian lands. We've seen it all before. What's the harm in watching some of it again?

Yes, the costumes are cheesy. Yes, the dialogue is sometimes terrible (there are some Lithuanian actors whose only English is limited to the lines they learned for the film, notably "Yes, my lord"). No, it's not a movie for Feminists. But it's a good mental vacation, regardless. Enjoy it for what it intended to be in the first place, a "B" movie about naked women pretending to be empowered in a time when women were property.

Rating:
Summary: "Dey dun't do zem gud in Lithuania, eh Heine?"
Review: I study Amazons in both the ancient world and in modern incarnations of the legends. You have to watch this movie without expectation of historical anything -- within two minutes I could hear how badly it would destroy anything vaguely historical. There is a plot and it does circle back to the beginning and reach a conclusion to the opening conflicts but the points between are rather weak. It has a soft-porn quaity to it -- lots of breasts and female bum, very little male nudity, the sex is all distant and softly lit. Ultimately it feels like someone had an interesting idea, some productors messed with it and got their sex buddies jobs in it, and the result is something not really worth you dollars.

Rating:
Summary: "Dey dun't do zem gud in Lithuania, eh Heine?"
Review: It's the toothpaste's fault, really! On a short visit to the local 'Drugs-B-Us' store to replenish the toothpaste supply, I got lost again. This happens every time I enter a retail store of any kind. The vast & myriad possibilities of unbridled, rampant consumerism stun my sensibilities into quivering jelly in the same manner I would imagine a TASER does, and within a few seconds I found myself wandering down the DVD movie rack.

Spotting 'AMAZONS & GLADIATORS', and noting the discounted $5.00 price, I immediately knew that it would be as cheap a way of wasting 90 minutes as any one could spend, glued to the Hungry Eye. I am happy to report, my initial surmise was spot on.

This is indeed a DVD penny-dreadful. My first impression was how dreadfully clean all the costumes were. Every roman plebe's garments looked exactly as if they had just been freshly machine-made in Bengladesh from cheap polyester. Second impression was how dreadfully clean and tidy all the characters were--fresh scrubbed, rosy cheeked, perfect orthodonture, nicely styled hair, etc. The S&M styled leather gear was right out of 'Xena: Warrior Princess', with squeeky-clean (and rose-scented, doubtless) cleavage poised as artfully perfect as in a grade 'B' T&A flick, and it was curious how every character was good-looking and attractive, with such striking features (even the Amazon village hags were charming). The fact that baths and regular bathing were virtually unknown in the 1st Century seems to have been conveniently overlooked by the producer of this film, as is the fact that at that distant date, personal bodily 'fragrance' was the most effective prophylactic yet known to (Roman) science of the day. And of course all the men were clean shaven (undoubtedly attributable to the advanced state of exotic metallurgical knowledge in the post-Bronze Age world).

The acting for the most part was indeed mediocre, although it did get a bit better as the flick continued, and the shots of provincial Roman buildings had the painful look of a cheap back-lot movie sets rejected by the Ben-Hur film production of the 60s. The only acting of any substance I felt was demonstrated by this movie's version of the Python's 'Biggus Dickkus' (our banished Roman General), who was sometimes convincing in his portrayal as the sadistic provincial governor.

Another thing that never fails to impress me is how all those emaciated female Amazon ectomorphs were all so capable of swinging that heavy Roman hardware without breaking a sweat. In the real world, I would expect to see such outlaw XX types looking a bit more like bulked-up, steroid-enhanced linebackers for the Oakland raiders, than catwalk models.

While I enjoy a pure fantasy as much as any adult does, I sometimes worry about how films of this sort help further distort the awarenesses of those pre-and-immediately-post-adolescents who watch such maudlin stuff and confuse fantasy with street reality. The only real kick-a** females I know generally drive Hardly Goodsons and hang with MC clubs and they don't look like a slimmed-down version of 'Xena', either.

On the plus side of the equation, it was a harmless (for reflective adults, possessed of a full load of brain cells) 90 minutes of fantasy to pass a lazy afternoon. Most interesting to me was the fact that the production was apparently filmed and shot in Lithuania, judging by the film credits and location acknowledgements appearing at the end of the flick.

Final assessment: For $5, you could do worse in a DVD purchase (alas, MUCH worse) and it's a fairly good (if mindless) romp, but forget about gleaning any factual historical knowledge about the actual Roman period in which this action supposedly takes place. ("Two thumbs sideways!").

Rating:
Summary: Good Campy Fun!
Review: Nichole M Hiltz stars as Serena, a simple village girl in some distant unimportant Celtic province. When her village is ransacked by the legions of Roman General Marcus Crassius, Serena is taken captive, tortured and sold into slavery. Marcus takes her beautiful older sister as a courtesan.

Ten years later, Serena and her best friend Brianna are slaves working as dancers. When the slaver sells Serena to a rich Roman senator as a whore, Serena unwittingly kills him. With the help of an Amazon prisoner, Ione, Serena and Brianna flee north to the village under the protection of the Amazon Queen Zenobia. Ione trains Serena and Brianna in the art of war, and to become Amazons, but Serena can't forget about the past and the evil Crassius and vows to take revenge. Will Serena succeed in getting revenge against Crassius?

This is a Xena-esque flick right down to its bones. But I loved every sword-chopping, Amazon yelling minute of it! Nichole M Hiltz was excellent as Serena. Jennifer Rubin did a great job as Princess Ione. The actor who played Serena's boyfriend was very good (sorry, don't recall his name!) This movie is fun fluff. A good B movie.

Historical Purists should steer clear though... Amazons' have names like "Serena, Brianna, Mathew, Ione" and the amazon's costumes are of the 'chainmail bikini' variety. Still, I was genuinely surprised at how much I liked this movie! I will definitely buy the DVD.

Slight warning: The movie deserves the R rating for several gratuitously nude shots of partially clothed women and several violent scenes.

Rating:
Summary: I would rather die free than be a dancing whore!
Review: So says a captured Amazon who is brought before the Senator. She escapes with the help of kidnapped maiden Serena who stabs the Senator in the back with a candlestick. I'm not sure where the blade came from after the candle fell out, but you go along with it.

Serena was just a young child when her village was attacked by a bloodthirsty Roman General turned Governor. Her father was killed, her sister was kidnapped, and her mother's death rested on her shoulders. Her mother was hung from a tree and Serena was underneath her for support. With her bare feet she had to stand under her mother while hot coals were lit on the ground. Of course her mother died and she was taken away as a slave.

After her escape she rides and trains with the Amazons. Only then does she discover that her grandmother was a great Amazon warrior and she is prophesized to be even greater.

Well there is a lot of sexy costumes, but little sex. Oh there's a whole lot of female nudity for those of us who enjoy sex with our violoence. My favorite chick had no lines, but was only instructed to pour the bath water slowly. Check out the headlights on that little honey WOW!

Anyway there's a whole lot of fighting in this movie, in the woodds and in the gladiator arena. In the end Serena gets her revenge by fighting the governor himself in the arena. After her victory she makes her speech; "And if I hear that anymore women are abused in this town, I will come back and kill you all!"

This is not a great movie, but it's good enough to pop in the old DVD player every now and then.

Rating:
Summary: Pure Entertaining Fantasy
Review: This movie is O.K., beautiful girls, dastardly villains, good versus evil, fight for womens rights and against abuse/slavery, etc. A couple of fine fight scenes and the heroine isn't allmighty. All good points.

But (there's always a but), some poor interpretations damage the film; I'm not an historical purist, but enough is enough...in 60 A.D. Caesar and Brutus! Marcus Crassius hero of the punic wars (the last one ended on 146 B.C.), captured Spartacus (71 B.C.) and is "now" governor of some far away province (60 A.D.)!!!! Is he a Vampire?or some kind of immortal?? There are so many persons and events in Roman history that those blunders shouldn't happen. Look I'm not discussing vests, weapons and armor or even the idea of Amazons in the 1st century, only that minimal knowledge is required to make an historical action movie...Amazons and Gladiators could very well have the evil Hurzegtikastishan empire fighting the jokastinoras tribe of freedom fighters as background...the rome/romans of this film are as real as the Hurzegtikastishan.

Well, watch the movie but don't expect to learn anything historical...except the look of Roman Spears (Pilum), they are very good reconstructions. I give two stars because when I forgot about the anachronisms and mistakes, I enjoyed the show.

Rating:
Summary: Mildly interesting, little sex, Bergin's a real b...........
Review: This movie, which I think tries to marry the "Gladiator" idea; with the buxom heroine figures of movies like "Barbarian Queen" and other anti-male; pro-female, movies does so with limited success. Patrick Bergin, known for playing a right b.......d (you know what I mean); for example, in "Sleeping With The Enemy", is perfectly evil as the Roman Governor and Hiltz (since it's her first film) is moderately attractive as the female heroine (but limited in revealing her charms, for the above reason I guess). Mary Tamm (who many may remember [as Romana I] in the Tom Baker era of Dr. Who) is still a stunning looking woman (as the Amazon princess). It was a moderately interesting movie, but if one buys it, don't pay over $5.00 for it. (I bought a previewed copy and had to clean it three times with cd/dvd cleaner to get it to play all the way through.) Barbarian Queen with the late Lana Clarkson was better (though none of these movies are "cinema classics" by any stretch.

Rating:
Summary: Lithuanian sword and sandal
Review: This sword and sandal film was apparently made in Lithuania. The Baltic scenery, obvious from the many scenes set in forested areas, seems somewhat out of place in a Roman setting. The handful of sets made to represent the grandeur of Rome fall quite short of the mark.

The movie itself offers the usual sorts of entertainment found in sword and sandal flicks, sugar coated with a vaguely pop-feminist twist that seems incongruous given that the plot is pretty much standard. Your lead character must escape from cruel slavery and sexual danger with the aid of the Amazons, and then go back to confront her former master. This is the occasion for a fair number of orgies and badly choreographed hooch dancing sequences. A number of plot twists lie between our heroine and her final vengeance.

The undercurrent of sexual violence, the motifs of dominance and submission, that were always present in the classic Italian low-budget sword and sandal films are presented more explicitly in their latter-day imitations. This is either a step forward in delivering the sort of entertainment wanted, or a step backwards in taste and subtlety.

The bottom line is this is comparable to, but not as good, as -The Arena- a/k/a -Naked Warrior-. In that Seventies film, another Roman amazon gladiator film, Pam Grier's hooch dancing is much better. She also made a more convincing Amazon gladiator than the heroine of this film.

One gathers from the packaging of the film that they are trying to ride the coattails of -Gladiator-, the Oscar-winning remake of -Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire-. Those who expect something similar will be disappointed. Those who like old fashioned low-budget sword and sandal films might get a kick out of this.

Rating:
Summary: Lithuanian sword and sandal
Review: This sword and sandal film was apparently made in Lithuania. The Baltic scenery, obvious from the many scenes set in forested areas, seems somewhat out of place in a Roman setting. The handful of sets made to represent the grandeur of Rome fall quite short of the mark.

The movie itself offers the usual sorts of entertainment found in sword and sandal flicks, sugar coated with a vaguely pop-feminist twist that seems incongruous given that the plot is pretty much standard. Your lead character must escape from cruel slavery and sexual danger with the aid of the Amazons, and then go back to confront her former master. This is the occasion for a fair number of orgies and badly choreographed hooch dancing sequences. A number of plot twists lie between our heroine and her final vengeance.

The undercurrent of sexual violence, the motifs of dominance and submission, that were always present in the classic Italian low-budget sword and sandal films are presented more explicitly in their latter-day imitations. This is either a step forward in delivering the sort of entertainment wanted, or a step backwards in taste and subtlety.

The bottom line is this is comparable to, but not as good, as -The Arena- a/k/a -Naked Warrior-. In that Seventies film, another Roman amazon gladiator film, Pam Grier's hooch dancing is much better. She also made a more convincing Amazon gladiator than the heroine of this film.

One gathers from the packaging of the film that they are trying to ride the coattails of -Gladiator-, the Oscar-winning remake of -Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire-. Those who expect something similar will be disappointed. Those who like old fashioned low-budget sword and sandal films might get a kick out of this.