Rating: 
Summary: Great writing conquers all!
Review: I was persuaded to try COLD IRON even though I don't like rock music, don't like urban fantasy, and don't like "private eye" stories...Surprise! This book smashed all those prejudices! I liked the heroine immediately (she's as much of a curmudgeon as I am...and incidentally she hates being called a private eye: it's private INVESTIGATOR). Then the compelling writing and razor-sharp wit kept me reading eagerly to the end. I look forward to the next book by Melisa Michaels no matter WHAT genre it's in!
Rating:
Summary: In Brief: Oh, my dear God.
Review: In the course of my lifetime spent as a literature lover, I've read a lot of books, and while I'm quite lucky in that the good books I pick tend to outnumber the bad ones, sometimes, I'm sorry to say, I really pick a lulu."Cold Iron" by Melisa Michaels, I would have to say, has to be one of THE most deservedly mockable books ever written. I'm serious; film this one, give it to Mystery Science Theater 3000 and you're onto a winner (so to speak. Note also that I am really _not_ at all in favor of filming this piece of dreck). The premise has got to be one of the most ludicrous ever dreamed up. Are you ready? Three words: Rock! Star! Elves! Now, while I should note that this is of course a very dumb idea (like you needed me to point that out), I should also speak in my own defense by saying that I bought this wretched trash under the impression that it was exactly what it sounds like: a parody. And the sad thing is, the opportunity was _there_. You could have had a really, really funny book from a concept as silly as this; a good writer would have taken the opportunity to really serve it up to the Fantasy genre. Sort of a "This Is Spinal Tap", with elves. Alas, "Cold Iron" (original title, no?) misses every possible opporunity for humor in this situation; instead of "This Is Cold Iron", what I wound up with was "Valley of the Elves". This has got to be one of the ugliest, most sordid, cheapest treatments of an Old Reliable Fantasy theme I've ever seen. The actual storyline, which wants to be "Angel Heart" but ends up as "The Lonely Lady"., centers around Private Eye Rosie Lavine, who's hired by a groupie named "Candy" (seriously) to watch over Elf-rock group Cold Iron, and more specifically its lead singer, Jorandel, whom our Candy believes is being targeted for murder. Sounds pretty sewn-up, right? Murder mystery thriller come fantasy story. Piece of cake. But of course, Michaels isn't satisfied with this. Michaels wants us to care for the characters, which is hard for only one reason: namely, every last character in the book is self-absorbed. Not one of them is even remotely likeable, least of all Jorandel. Jorandel, we are constantly told, is a Muscial Genius, Capable Of The Most Poetic Music Ever Written, etc, ad nauseaum. Well, Melisa, there's only one problem with this. Namely, _this is a goddamn book! We can't hear any of Jorandel's songs, which kind of makes that redundant, doesn't it?! Eh?!?_ Worse yet, Michaels actually seems to think that this alleged musical talent is a valid excuse to behave in the appalling manner which Jorie does throughout. I won't go into the sickening details, but suffice it to say he makes the Gallagher Brothers look like the Osmonds. As for Rosie, she for no apparent reason becomes hooked on a drug called "Soda" (gosh, wonder what drug that's standing in for?), and suddenly remembers - wait for it - she was abused as a child! How Original! It's at this point that I began thinking of lines that would be appropraite to deliver to these characters. Lines such as "The Opposite of Sex" 's classic "Welcome to the planet Maturia. We have much to teach you!" After about two thousand pages of these characters whining and behaving like two-year-olds (not to mention uttering lines of dialogue Ed Wood would've balked at), we finally get back to the murder mystery (yeah, this is a murder mystery, remember?). The worst part is, this entire revelation thing, involving Jorandel and his twin brother, Jimendan, who is also a member of the band, has the absolute gall to completely rip off "Vertigo". It was with a sigh of combined relief and disgust that I put down this book. Well, actually I would have preferred to hurl it across the room violently, but there were people around at the time. Suffice it to say, if this is not the worst book I've ever read, it's certainly right up there in good company. Avoid it with every fiber of your being. Unless of course you like your characters repulsive, your plotlines meandering, and your psychology so heavy you could stun a rhinocerous with it. If you're in the mood for elves and rock music, well, read "Lord of the Rings" and rent "This Is Spinal Tap", because "Cold Iron" will only leave you cold.
Rating: 
Summary: Just not fantasy
Review: Inserting the word "elf" here and there does not a fantasy make
Rating:
Summary: Not the same Old Elves
Review: Let's face it, the cover of this book leaves a LOT to be desired, but don't be fooled. This book rocks...no pun intended. Jorandel, the elf-rock star reminds one of some of music's greatest tragedies, and Rose, the feisty human PI is fantasy's answer to VI Warshawski. There's a great deal of wisdom and insight to the human (and elven) condition.
Rating:
Summary: Not the same Old Elves
Review: Let's face it, the cover of this book leaves a LOT to be desired, but don't be fooled. This book rocks...no pun intended. Jorandel, the elf-rock star reminds one of some of music's greatest tragedies, and Rose, the feisty human PI is fantasy's answer to VI Warshawski. There's a great deal of wisdom and insight to the human (and elven) condition.
Rating: 
Summary: Waste of time but not painful; probably not fantasy
Review: My Scale:
1 star--wretched, don't bother;
2 stars-somebody will like it, flawed;
3 stars-pretty darn good with some flaws;
4 stars-great, I'll re-read it;
5 stars-flawless, a classic of the genre. The World:
Modern San Francisco/Los Angeles/Hawaii-with pointy-eared people. Elves have been part of the world for there to have been second or maybe third generation elf-human hybrids (haflings). No other changes to the world reported The Plot:
Rose Levine is a not-very-successful private investigator, who is hired to investigate possible threats to the life of the lead singer of the world-famous elfrock band Cold Iron, Jorandel. She begins to travel with the band (they're on tour), and somehow she just kind of slips into the same band lifestyle. There are threats and dangers. Can Rosie save Jorandel, or even should she? The Review:
This is a run-of-the-mill girl P.I. novel. The plot's ok (some holes); the dialog's ok; the characterization stinks. The elves come across as just humans with pointy ears stuck on. There's no background framework or explanation: how are elves different from humans in psychology, motivation, elven interpersonal relationships, and so forth. The narrator repeatedly refers to the elves in the story as "sociopaths", implying that all elves are, yet she falls in love with not one but two (well, the second is only one-quarter elf). This is the same old world I live in, just with tall pointy-eared people in it. That the world isn't perceptibly different that now makes this novel flunk the fantasy test Rose Levine is supposed to be a hard-boiled P.I. who has been around the block a few times. Yet without any explanation, she casually begins drinking heavily and snorting "soda" (some kind of elven version of coke or crack that is clearly illegal). Why would a P.I. jeopardize her license by casual use of an illegal substance? Why would a P.I. who is on the job drink enough to be incapacitated? There's some subplot about Rosie discovering her past, but it isnot convincing either. The whole thing leaks like a sieve and is a waste of time. It's two stars not one because the actual writing--mechanics, dialog, scene setting--is competenetly done.
Rating: 
Summary: It's all worth it for Jorandel
Review: The reason why this book is ridiculous is quite simply the fact that elves are "woven into contemporary society"! Look around you. How many elves, in the sense of tall, pointy-eared, vaguely Tolkienesque people with silly names, do you encounter at your local mall, grocery store, or nightclub? Zip, zero, nada, right? (If not, I'd hate to know what you're on.) It is a simple rule in speculative fiction that changes have to make sense! People from a magical world living openly in and around contemporary society would change it irrevocably. Such a society would not look exactly like ours, most especially not to the point of having the same tenth rate heavy metal bands recording the same songs. Extrapolation is just as much part of a fantasy writer's job as it is part of that of a hard science fiction writer. When a fantasy writer fails to deal with this, they fail as a fantasy writer, just as Ms. Michaels has done in writing this book. Look at other, better written, urban fantasies. In some, faerie and magical elements are hidden on the fringes of our world (even Mercedes Lackey can manage this much), and the manipulation of mortal appearences is part of the fun. In others, the urban world has been changed almost, but not quite, beyond recognition by magical influences (the Bordertown and Shadowrun shared universes are the most popular examples.) _Cold Iron_ sidesteps the issue, and thus fails miserably.
Rating:
Summary: How many elves did you meet at the shopping mall yesterday?
Review: The reason why this book is ridiculous is quite simply the fact that elves are "woven into contemporary society"! Look around you. How many elves, in the sense of tall, pointy-eared, vaguely Tolkienesque people with silly names, do you encounter at your local mall, grocery store, or nightclub? Zip, zero, nada, right? (If not, I'd hate to know what you're on.) It is a simple rule in speculative fiction that changes have to make sense! People from a magical world living openly in and around contemporary society would change it irrevocably. Such a society would not look exactly like ours, most especially not to the point of having the same tenth rate heavy metal bands recording the same songs. Extrapolation is just as much part of a fantasy writer's job as it is part of that of a hard science fiction writer. When a fantasy writer fails to deal with this, they fail as a fantasy writer, just as Ms. Michaels has done in writing this book. Look at other, better written, urban fantasies. In some, faerie and magical elements are hidden on the fringes of our world (even Mercedes Lackey can manage this much), and the manipulation of mortal appearences is part of the fun. In others, the urban world has been changed almost, but not quite, beyond recognition by magical influences (the Bordertown and Shadowrun shared universes are the most popular examples.) _Cold Iron_ sidesteps the issue, and thus fails miserably.
Rating:
Summary: "Bordertown" Does it Better
Review: This appears to be an attempt to cash in on the recent popularity of the urban fantasy genre in general and the "Bordertown" shared universe in particular. Unfortunately, it really doesn't work. Aside from a few oddments of detail (elves and occasional references to magic or the "laws of Faerie"), this novel takes place in our world, completely unmodified. Not the "our world" of a novel like Emma Bull's _War for the Oaks_ where Faerie lurks at the fringes of society, hidden from mortals by glamour and guile. Nor the "our world" from which many of the human chracters of the Bordertown series have fled, a world which seems to have deliberately turned itself away from the magic on the other side of the Border. Instead this is our world in every detail, complete with Starbucks, shopping malls, and heavy metal music, not differing in any way except for the presence of elves, in and among and around ordinary society. Frankly, I don't buy it. The elves of Bordertown have a distinct presence all their own, bringing their own culture to everything they do, and even though some of them do play rock and roll, most of them play it in their own unique style, adding Faerie instruments and melodies, and oftentimes lyrics in their own language, in much the same fashion as contemporary "ethnic rock" bands. These elves are just spoilt brats who mostly act like regular ordinary standard-issue over-paid, over-dressed, and over-sexed rock stars, only with pointed ears and names like Jorandel and Jimendan. Their music sounds like plain, ordinary hard rock, with no influence from their own heritage; if the author at least offered some explanation for this, (even one as thin as the lead guitarist talking about how as an adolescent he'd rejected his lessons in Elvish Classical <stringed instrument> and spent all his nights with a Fender Strat, copping licks off Van Halen albums) I'd suppose I could accept it, but she doesn't even attempt to deal with the issue. Worse yet, there is apparently an entire genre of "elf rock" (of which these are allegedly the best--I don't think I could have finished the book if we'd seen any of the rest). Despite this major difference in the music business, we still have bands like Aerosmith and Poison, apparently even recording the same songs. I'll grant that the lineups of these bands aren't really described (maybe in this world they're all elves as well), but somehow I just can't believe the whole scenario. On the whole, this strikes me as a mainstream mystery novel about a private investigator who has personal issues developing a strange bond with a rock star who is more complex than he seems, only dressed up in a few shreds of fantastic clothing. I'll admit, I don't like mainstream heavy metal; the "folk-rock" fiddle-and-electric-guitar sound of the classic urban fantasy is much more to my taste. But I could have forgiven Cold Iron for being a bunch of typical overgrown adolescent stadium rock stars if they'd just had the decency to be believable elves as well. The only reason I give it as many as two stars is because the author at least has workable prose, and because Amazon.com doesn't provide a "no stars" option (this certainly wasn't as bad as _<fill in the blank> of Gor_ or the typical Sidney Sheldon novel)
Rating:
Summary: Beginning good, middle long-winded, finale-riveting.
Review: This book started quite well but the middle was somewhat longwinded-lots of descriptions of elf-rock music and reactions to it and the rockscene with drugs and booze and sex [not so much of the latter] which slowed the action. However as the book progressed and especially as it hotted-up towards the end it was riveting. If you are stuck in an airplane its good!
|
