Rating: 
Summary: Like reading a biography of my ex-husband...
Review: I am so grateful to Scott Wetzler for writing this book. It has allowed me to forgive myself for taking the final step and getting a divorce, de-coupling from a situation which only someone with iron-clad self-esteem and unswerving vigilance could survive."He doesn't hit you, he doesn't drink, he doesn't run around, and he likes to cook. What more could you want in a husband?" That's what my ex's late mother used to say. But something was definitely wrong with this picture. He wouldn't work. He wouldn't talk. He wouldn't acknowledge responsibility for anything. But he loved therapy. Years and years of couples counseling didn't help. I found it hard to get a handle on what was wrong until reading this book. Wetzler successfully calls attention to the "sins of omission" as opposed to the "sins of commission" and that truly is the crux of the problem. Also, the slippery logic, the convoluted rationalizations, the comfort of paralysis, the narcissistic view of the universe. I was trying to engage in give-and-take with a passive aggressive man, and that is plain impossible. My hands just kept sticking to the tar baby. My ex was good-looking, intelligent, and charming. But the solitude, the procrastination, the silent treatment, the inability to hold a job, the supreme sense of entitlement, the refusal to argue or engage in any discussion of issues, blaming me for his failures, using abstinence as a weapon... In ten years of marriage, my husband never uttered my name. I kept waiting for the waves of remorse to flow over me after I'd made the decision to separate. After all, I was 36 when I married him. Although I should have been wise then, I let me desire for a family and my desire to "help" him blind me to the obvious. Now I feel as if an albatross has been removed from my neck. I have renewed strength. My self-esteem is returning. I am vigilant as a bulldog because we have two small children. PAs are basically scofflaws who discount all negotiated agreements, don't feel rules apply to them (taxes? child support? are you kidding?), and will manipulate even little children to get their way. I am now prepared, thanks to Dr. Wetzler, to stand my ground.
Rating:
Summary: Finally A Name for This Insanity
Review: I began highlighting words that jumped out of this book from the introduction to the end. I used up two highlighters! I am only typing this to let others know that anyone who doesn't give this book a good review is either the " deep in denial" PA, or is dealing with another disorder. For 10 years I have been married to a raging, unavailable, critical, fearful,controling, immature man. I Knew that his parents divorce and fathers alcoholism (and his own eventual addiction and recovery) had deeply effected him. It seemed to me that it was time to get on with life at 40yrs. old and try not to repeat whatever happened to him with our family. I kept refering to his inability to connect as some missing link in his personality. Now I know that it's an extra link called Passive/Aggressive. Now I have a place to start my own healing from the verbal and emotional abuse that I didn't cause,can't control,and can't cure. Please don't let anyone minimize how devastating this syndrome is and how important this book will be to those whose lives have been tormented over and over by it. Pass this book on and talk openly about mental disorders as you would if a family member had cancer. Its a disease that effects innocent people and children and this book can save their lives.
Rating: 
Summary: Some Truth, Lots of Assumptions
Review: I found the book helpful. I would not rely on it as the only source of relationship information. The author's strategy to deal with PA is to label people (page 34). Then we have them inside a neat little box. So after reading the book, some people have assumed they know all of the feelings, thoughts, and motivators of the PA person. That is dangerous and inaccurate. "Passive-aggressive personality disorder (PAPD) is no longer regarded as an official personality disorder in DSM-IV; this is because its principal features are so commonly seen in other personality disorders, such as borderline, histrionic and dependent. PAPD is in the appendix of DSM-IV as a condition requiring further study. " - from mhsource In other words, it is too vague. The author makes huge assumptions that each instance of this behavior has one, and only one, motive. Factors beyond our relationship to our Mother are largely ignored. The author assumes that numerous actions intend harm and are for control purposes. That may not be true. Inconsistencies: The author criticizes the PA person for feeling like a victim. Then he advocates throughout the book that the reader should feel innocent and a victim. He is also inconsistent regarding anger. It is criticized. And then he says that the reader "has every right to feel angry" and act out that anger. The PA is criticized for blaming others. The reader is told numerous times that the blame and fault for problems in the relationship are "his" and only his. Beyond all that, he has written a book on relationships that completely omits love, spirituality, and any moral values. The only values promoted are selfishness and self-centeredness. That is his "solution" to relationship problems. I do not make excuses for disrespectful, demeaning, or manipulative behavior. Many people need to change behaviors. This book does not offer solutions based on love. You may find a more accurate description of marital issues in Give and Take by Willard F. Harley, Jr. In his books, you will see that many "love busting" actions come from unmet needs, self-centeredness, and other reasons. There are also other books that include research and widely-respected views. This book has bits of helpful information. It is not balanced. Use with care.
Rating: 
Summary: AND NOT JUST MEN EITHER!
Review: I found the book really helpful. I did though, have to change the pronouns quite often. The passive-aggressive behaviors describe women as well. Scott Wetzler says there are p/a women, but the book describes male behaviors because passive aggression in men seems to be rapidly increasing in the population, both in numbers and in severity of response. From what I've seen, that's true of women as well. If the passive-aggressive personality in your life is female, do not let the title put you off. Simple change in the gender of the pronouns is all you need to see HER behavior very clearly. Peace, DV
Rating:
Summary: Helped put the pieces together
Review: I found this book a wide-eye opening experience.
I could never understand what was wrong with my husband. Why he was always sulking and trying to get back at me for things I wasn't even aware of. Nothing was ever his fault. I don't mean apologies, I mean taking responsibility for the outcome of his actions. One of his favorite behaviors was to leave in the midst of one of his tantrums for days. His entire family and I thought he had a depression problem. After 5 years, marriage counseling and anti-depressants later, I finally realized what was wrong with the help of this book. It has helped me but also saddens me.
I wish the counseling had been there for a problem that obviously many women and men are facing. Although I thank Scott Wetzler for writing this book, it doesn't seem to me that his suggestions can really help anyone living with the PA person.
Creating a dynamic where your feelings and needs are second to someone else's doesn't seem healthy to any relationship. The importance of mutual dependance in a relationship passage touched upon it only slightly.
What would be helpful is if there is a book showing the PA person how destructive their behavior can really be to his relationships and ultimately to his or her own happiness. Dr. Wetzler, we need a part 2. Not exclusive only to men and more for the PA person to read on their own in helping them create more satisfying and less detrimental relationships.
Still, this was an important book and well worth the read.
Rating: 
Summary: Exploitative
Review: I found this book to be highly irresponsible. This man cares precious little for the souls who are struggling through this dynamic in their relationships. It seems to me he's taking advantage of the current marketing fad that capitolizes on scapegoating the ills of society onto men. This guy should know better. His training provided him with knowledge psyche's of women who are coupled with passive-aggressive men. He knows of your obsessive urge to get inside your man's head in order to control the relationship and him (your man's worst fear, btw). Anyone who's been in therapy long enough knows that you need to keep the focus on yourself. The longer you obsess over your partner and his/her behavior, no matter how dysfunctional it may truly be, the longer YOU will need therapy and feel distressed, since you can change NO ONE but yourself. I'd recommend either "Facing Love Addiction" or "Facing Codependence" by Pia Mellody.
This book lacks anything beyond a superficial explanation of how these issues take form in a person. It's tone is one of self-righteous condemnation. Ladies, this author wants to gratify his ego and his bank account by pretending he's your helpful hero who is providing you with what you need. I feel sorry for his clients, especially the men. There is no compassionate understanding you will gain from reading this. Just more ammunition to use to hurt the one you're with and create greater resentment, (unless that's your goal). Actually this book fosters a sense of enlightened rage that won't help either of you to heal or grow.
If you are in therapy with this uncaring author (Scott Wetzler, Ph.D.) I recommend reading "In Sheep's Clothing" by George K. Simon, Ph.D who exposes covert-aggressive people like this uncaring man.
Rating:
Summary: Not perfect but close...
Review: I heard the term passive-aggressive last week and for some reason I decided to research it, if for no other reason, I wanted to get a better definition than what I had in my head. That led me to buying this book and I am so grateful to have found it. Two years ago I was involved with a man who also was a co-worker of mine. Though it wasn't the longest relationship I've had, it was by far the most painful. Even after I broke it off, I had to work with him. That was hideous. Fortunately, 6 months later I left to take another position and I haven't seen him since. Even though two years have passed, I have continued to question what happened in our relationship. I knew that his behavior was irrational and abnormal but I could still never answer the questions of Why? and If I had done something differently, would that have made a difference? And because of reading this book, I now have a huge weight off my shoulders and feel vindicated. The start of my relationship was like a fairy-tale but soon after it turned into the most heart-wrenching experience I have yet to encounter. I was tricked (by him, through countless romantic gestures) into thinking he was this great guy and when I complimented him or gushed over his admirable traits, he would tell me to stop putting him on a pedestal and from there he made every effort to prove to me he was undeserving of that kind of adulation. I loved him but I hated the way he treated me. I felt badly for his past and present experiences. He was a man with too many problems, many of which were not ones he initiated. It's sad and it's unfair. But in no way did this give him the right to treat me as he did. I can undertand him better now and hope that he continues to seek help from his therapist. And I can also rest easy, knowing that I tried as best as a non-professional can and that no matter how much I gave of myself or how much I did to make him open up and trust me, it was not my fault that he treated me as he did. Finally, I am glad that I broke it off instead of trying what the author describes in this book. Relationships are difficult enough without trying to be your boyfriend's therapist besides his girlfriend. Everyone deserves a significant other who is kind, respectful and mindful of their feelings. If you are not with someone who can willingly be that kind of man, send him to therapy and send yourself onto someone who can!
Rating:
Summary: An Epiphany
Review: I just discovered Scott Wetzler's book and was dumbfounded. The book was written about my husband and me. It is a pinpoint accurate roadmap of a man whom I'd loved so much but who had caused such pain. Like the other reviewers, I marked pages and groaned aloud as I read actual sentences he or I had uttered over the 12 years of our marriage. I knew that the diagnosis of major depression did not nearly explain my husband's behavior.
The compulsive lying, procrastination, skewed logic, victim mentality, reality avoidance, inability to make a decision, emotional aloofness, "nice guy" facade, manipulation, etc., ... it was all in the book. So I wasn't nuts afterall. And why, after several years of his, mine and ours therapy, didn't one person identify passive aggression?
Dr. Wetzler's book gave me sudden and forceful insight into PAPD, the dynamics of my marriage and how I unwittingly perpetuated this damaging behavior. Although my intoduction to his book came too late to help save my marriage, perhaps it will help someone else who has a chance of salvaging theirs. What I learned gave me some measure of peace, renewed confidence in myself, and the understanding necessary to help in the post divorce healing process. For the future, I now know what to look for so I don't get involved with such a man again.
This book is invaluable for the person at the receiving end of passive aggressive behavior. And, Dr. Wetzler has a wonderful writing style.
Rating:
Summary: Since [other options are] not quite legal, yet.....
Review: I really enjoyed this book. I always knew there was something wrong with certain people in my life but until now, I did not have a clue how to handle them. I would recommend this book for everyone who works, plays or interacts with people who seem instable or have very petty, childish ways.
The author gives detailed reasons for the actions of a passive-aggresive person and very good ideas on dealing with a passive aggressive personality. This book has helped me understand and recognize a passive aggressive personality and has also helped me maintain my dignity and self respect around such personalities.
Rating:
Summary: RISE ABOVE HIS RAISING - THE FUNCTIONAL DYSFUNCTIONAL
Review: I strongly recommend this book for anyone seeking to find help for their therapy resistant partner who has mood disorders, any type of addiction, identity issues, self-esteem issues, reoccurring unresolved anger and troubling relationship issues. Excellent compliments to this book are: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders by Joseph Santoro and Ronald Cohen; Treating Attachment Disorders: From Theory to Therapy by Karl Heinz Brisch and Kenneth Kronenberg; The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman; Emotional Blackmail: When People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier; Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson; Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown; Toxic Coworkers: How to Deal with Dysfunctional People on the Job by Alan Cavaiola and Neil Lavender. And if you want to pursue the subject even further, you may be interested in reading The Narcissistic / Borderline Couple: A Psychoanalytic Perspective On Marital Treatment; Addicted to Unhappiness: Free yourself from the moods and behaviors that undermine relationships, work and the life you want by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper; Parenting with Love and Logic: Teaching Children Responsibility by Jim Fay and Foster Cline.
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