Rating: 
Summary: Restore your sanity!
Review: "Living With a Passive Agressive Man" states that dealing with a passive-aggressive person as a spouse can drive even the most even tempered, rational, and reasonable person to huge levels of uncontrolled anger. P-As are masters at deliberately goading people. Within my marriage, I was unable to obtain the desired level of intimacy due to my partner's resistance. My needs weren't met and yet I continued to try to find a way to meet my partner's needs despite years of frustration and a lack of progress. My ex-husband controlled the dynamics of our marriage with his passive-aggressive behavior. Directly asking for what I wanted was a guarantee it would never happen. A lot was demanded of me but very little was willingly given back--not because he couldn't, I realized at the very end, but because he wouldn't. I'm generally not easily angered, but his behavior could drive me to uncontrolled rage--and then he'd calmly inform me I should seek counseling. Any conversation I tried to initiate about improving our relationship quickly turned to a list of his complaints about what was wrong with me. Finally I gave up any hope of improvement due to his extreme resistence. This book made me realize that I had a very typical relationship with a very passive-aggressive man, but the marital interchange was completely abnormal.
There are eleven hallmarks that identify the Passive-Aggressive personality disorder.
1. Fear of Dependency
2. Fear of Intimacy
3. Fear of Competition
4. Obstructionism
5. Fostering Chaos
6. Feeling Victimized
7. Making Excuses and Lying
8. Procrastination
9. Chronic lateness & Forgetfulness
10. Ambiguity
11. Sulking
My ex-husband regularly displayed every single one.
There is no way to please these people. Although the implication is always that your inadequacies are the reason for their discontent, their problem is so complex and ingrained it is virtually impossible to eradicate. Nothing anyone provides for them is ever enough to calm their fears, self doubt, and bolster their low self esteem. The 'cure' is a constantly moving target, partially because they often ask for the opposite of what they really want, if they bother to ask at all. Usually it's a guessing game: they let you know they're displeased in a covert and passive way, but you have to try to figure out why. They will deny their anger if directly confronted. Nothing anyone does for them is ever good enough. It is almost universal within a marriage to a passive-aggressive person for them to continually withhold sex. That and deliberate action, or inaction, that denies pleasure to their partner when they do engage in intercourse is their ultimate expression of hostility and control.
Does any of this sound familiar? If so, this is the book to read to help restore some of your sanity. For years I refered to my then husband as 'Passive Agressive' without really understanding the disorder. The basis of all this dysfunctional and self-destructive behavior is rage.
Interestingly, what drives the P-A's anger is low self esteem and extreme dependency. Passive-aggressive people try to mask this by continually rejecting the very person they are dependent upon. They attempt to deny their feelings of insecurity and worthlessness by attacking in underhanded ways that make the object of this type of aggression feel confused, helpless, and demeaned. Typically, Passive-Aggressive people tend to choose one of three types of partners: Controllers, Nurturers, or Rescuers. Or someone that has a combination of those
characteristics. Hence, P-As are continually rejecting their partners for the very qualities that attracted them in the first place. They undermine the people they so desperately need in an attempt to prove to themselves they don't need them. It is a personality disorder that is highly resistant to change even with intense therapy and motivation on the part of the patient. P-As are completely convinced there is nothing wrong with them or their behavior; it is everyone else.
A complete loss of confidence and self esteem that living with such a person induces in the unfortunate person who married them is not uncommon, either. Because, of course, everything is always someone else's fault, not theirs. It is usually the spouse, significant other, etc. of these people who end up in therapy because dealing with P-As is so difficult since they are constantly manipulating the environment to make themselves the victim and the person with whom they're interacting the bad guy. It is a very difficult disorder for people who are straightforward and psychologically sound to deal with or recognize. The tendency is, since you are being held responsible by the other person for problems in the relationship, to hold yourself responsible as well.
The book was mainly about how to set boundaries and cope if you are involved with these types of people. The main advise given was if you can't cope with the reality that changed or even improved behavior is probably not an option, (and most people can't!) your only recourse is to leave. Which is exactly what I waited way too long to do. I was married for 27 years to an extremely passive-agressive man. If I had read this book earlier, I may have stopped accepting responsiblility for the problems in our marriage, making excuses for his bad behavior and escaped earlier, saving myself and my son years of grief.
Rating: 
Summary: Walking on Eggshells 101, but great description of PA males.
Review: "Living With The Passive Aggressive Man" is a significantly flawed book, but one that has helped me tremendously in my post-breakup healing process with a passive-aggressive (PA) man. The book's greatest strength is describing what the PA man is like. I had many "aha" moments as clinical psychologist Scott Wetzler described the multitude of mind games PA people play including excuse making, obstructionism, and an old favorite: the PA person intentionally pushes your buttons, but if you get angry, they claim you're the one with a problem. This last example is of projected anger, which Wetzler explains quite well. Wetzler's discussions of arguments and apologies also ring true for me. He explains that a fair fight is not in the repertoire of a PA partner. He'll be sarcastic or sulk or bring up distracters, but will not tell you what's bothering him. Furthermore, in many cases, they won't apologize at all, or will quickly issue an insincere apologize to change the subject. Wetzler asks you to gauge whether your partner actually changed their post-apology behavior. The section on parenting also was tremendously helpful. Wetzler states the biggest parenting problem for the PA parent is difficulty disciplining their child, which was certainly true in my relationship. Other parts of the book did not ring true for me, although they certainly might for another reader. For example, he talked about the childhood experiences typical to PA people that helped make them that way, but my partner had generally positive things to say about his childhood. An alternative explanation could be that some people may consider themselves "too spiritual" to get angry, so they vent their anger passive-aggressively. Wetzler discussed "Who falls for the passive-aggressive man?" but this section did not help me at all, as I did not identify with his descriptions of "victim", "rescuer" or "manager." An alternate possibility is that many PA people present themselves as calm, likeable people, but after you fall in love with them, they slide into PA behavior rather insidiously. My biggest problem with the book is the premise suggested by the title, "Living With The Passive Aggressive Man." The PA person often has a significant personality problem and is emotionally abusing you with his mind games, yet the concept of getting him or both of you into counseling is not even mentioned until the epilogue. This strikes me as odd, considering Wetzler is a clinical psychologist. Instead, much of the book is dedicated to teaching you, the non-PA partner, how to jump through hoops and walk on eggshells, so you can live with these mind games and hopefully gradually get your partner to change. Too much of this tip toeing is yielding to the PA partner's needs at the expense of your needs, and possibly sanity. For example, give the guy all the space he wants sounds like great advice, but what about women in relationships where the guy is around in body only watching TV, or avoids her for weeks at a time but has time for his buddies? Wetzler says, if he says something rude to you that angers you, YOU have to not get angry and prove to him that you're on his side. In a nutshell, to make this work, you the reader are expected to do considerably more than your fair share of the relationship work and keep your cool while he irritates you to his heart's content. Often times, that's what women are already trying to do in relationships. Instead of all this "do it yourself" while you cater to his needs while yours go unmet, all this time having the patience of a saint, why not go into counseling? There's a real danger that the woman attempting Wetzler's approach without couple's therapy would eventually explode due of frustration and exacerbate the problems. Wetzler says if you're spending years (!) using his approach, but you find it to be ineffective, your only option might be to leave. My other problems with the book are:
1. The book is not backed up with research, as all information is derived from his patient's experiences in his clinical practice.
2. About half of it did not ring true to me, but that of course would vary with different readers. Bottom line - I highly recommend the book for the incredible insight into what PA behavior is, how it operates in a relationship, and how it makes you feel. But Wetzler's approach to dealing with this is a long hard road, and likely not the best path.
Rating:
Summary: Walking on Eggshells 101, but great description of PA males.
Review: "Living With The Passive Aggressive Man" is a significantly flawed book, but one that has helped me tremendously in my post-breakup healing process with a passive-aggressive (PA) man. The book's greatest strength is describing what the PA man is like. I had many "aha" moments as clinical psychologist Scott Wetzler described the multitude of mind games PA people play including excuse making, obstructionism, and an old favorite: the PA person intentionally pushes your buttons, but if you get angry, they claim you're the one with a problem. This last example is of projected anger, which Wetzler explains quite well. Wetzler's discussions of arguments and apologies also ring true for me. He explains that a fair fight is not in the repertoire of a PA partner. He'll be sarcastic or sulk or bring up distracters, but will not tell you what's bothering him. Furthermore, in many cases, they won't apologize at all, or will quickly issue an insincere apologize to change the subject. Wetzler asks you to gauge whether your partner actually changed their post-apology behavior. The section on parenting also was tremendously helpful. Wetzler states the biggest parenting problem for the PA parent is difficulty disciplining their child, which was certainly true in my relationship. Other parts of the book did not ring true for me, although they certainly might for another reader. For example, he talked about the childhood experiences typical to PA people that helped make them that way, but my partner had generally positive things to say about his childhood. An alternative explanation could be that some people may consider themselves "too spiritual" to get angry, so they vent their anger passive-aggressively. Wetzler discussed "Who falls for the passive-aggressive man?" but this section did not help me at all, as I did not identify with his descriptions of "victim", "rescuer" or "manager." An alternate possibility is that many PA people present themselves as calm, likeable people, but after you fall in love with them, they slide into PA behavior rather insidiously. My biggest problem with the book is the premise suggested by the title, "Living With The Passive Aggressive Man." The PA person often has a significant personality problem and is emotionally abusing you with his mind games, yet the concept of getting him or both of you into counseling is not even mentioned until the epilogue. This strikes me as odd, considering Wetzler is a clinical psychologist. Instead, much of the book is dedicated to teaching you, the non-PA partner, how to jump through hoops and walk on eggshells, so you can live with these mind games and hopefully gradually get your partner to change. Too much of this tip toeing is yielding to the PA partner's needs at the expense of your needs, and possibly sanity. For example, give the guy all the space he wants sounds like great advice, but what about women in relationships where the guy is around in body only watching TV, or avoids her for weeks at a time but has time for his buddies? Wetzler says, if he says something rude to you that angers you, YOU have to not get angry and prove to him that you're on his side. In a nutshell, to make this work, you the reader are expected to do considerably more than your fair share of the relationship work and keep your cool while he irritates you to his heart's content. Often times, that's what women are already trying to do in relationships. Instead of all this "do it yourself" while you cater to his needs while yours go unmet, all this time having the patience of a saint, why not go into counseling? There's a real danger that the woman attempting Wetzler's approach without couple's therapy would eventually explode due of frustration and exacerbate the problems. Wetzler says if you're spending years (!) using his approach, but you find it to be ineffective, your only option might be to leave. My other problems with the book are:
1. The book is not backed up with research, as all information is derived from his patient's experiences in his clinical practice.
2. About half of it did not ring true to me, but that of course would vary with different readers. Bottom line - I highly recommend the book for the incredible insight into what PA behavior is, how it operates in a relationship, and how it makes you feel. But Wetzler's approach to dealing with this is a long hard road, and likely not the best path.
Rating:
Summary: A must for women in divorce or relationship transition!
Review: As a divorce attorney, I strongly recommend Dr. Wexler's book. For many women, including myself, making the decison to remove ourselves from a passive aggressive man is the first step. Dr. Wexler's book provides valuable insight for understanding this behavior, yet taking responsibility for your own actions. Most importantly, the book gives excellent suggestions in dealing with a passive aggressive personality in all areas of life. Understanding the passive aggressive man will help anyone who must continue to interact with him on a personal or a professional level. This personality type is so pervasive, an understanding of it is key to succeeding on a personal and professional level. The strength of the book lies in the hope that it gives for anyone who has struggled with the frustration of trying to "make peace" with a passive aggressive man.
Rating:
Summary: Living With the Passive Agressive Man
Review: Excellent book! I have searched for a book like this and finally found it! I have lived with a PA for over 10 years and have been extremely frustrated with his behavior. I have often felt extreme anger, acted out in a rage of frustration and felt very crazy trying to figure out the inconsistencies between his verbal response and his mismatched behavior. I believe that most of the general public have no clue as to the craziness of the PA personality disorder. This personality is often seen as the "nice guy/girl". Not understanding the PA personality and the rage and anger that sits beneath the "nice guy" persona, can make you feel crazy, misunderstood and even doubt your thinking and intuition. A MUST READ for anyone who is in a relationship with a PA. This book gives great insight and helps you to understand that it is not you! Topics in the book discuss issues relating to the PA personality, relationships, having children with a PA and working with PA's. The book gives you guidelines on how to better prepare yourself in dealing with this personality. Reading this book I realized that I am not alone. I am not crazy and yes my feelings of anger are justified most of the time. I am better able to see through the PA's sly superficial words and niceties to the sniper rage that seeps through in his behaviors. Living with a PA personality is difficult to live with. This book teaches you how to see and cope with this difficult personality type.
Rating: 
Summary: Schlock!
Review: From the reviews, many have given this book high marks because the anedotal evidence confirms their own experiences. This is undoubtedly true. Everyone can relate to some story in the book to a person they knew and say to themselves: "That person was passive-aggressive." The main criticism people seem to have is that the author singles out men when clearly women are capable of the same behavior. I can't argue with that. I think the omission of women provides some insight into the author and the political agenda he's trying to advance. This whole book might be an exercise into the author's own passive-aggressiveness against men. If you disagree, re-read the introduction. The author states that Men have failed (or refused?) to become a NEW MAN that feminism's rise has allowed the opportunity to emerge. Not only is this just pretentious and plays on people's stereotypes about men, but the author seems to be pandering to his audience. Moreover, the omission of women is essential to the political agenda the author is advancing: that an epidemic of passive-aggressiveness is in response to feminism. Any acknowledgment that women could be passive-aggressive would undermine this agenda. But my fundamental criticism of this book is that it's worthless beyond the confirmation or comfort it brings to certain readers Even this confirmation is fundamentally flawed. The book is entirely based on labeling the person as "passive-aggressive". Labeling is a classic cognitive distortion. It leaves out the fact that almost everyone has some passive-aggressive moments and other moments when they can be open and caring. [I think if you're honest with yourself you'll find out this applies to you too. Though admittedly, some people are more passive-aggressive than others.] Just labeling someone passive-aggressive is not only inaccurate but it's counter-productive. It will just elicit a negative response in the other person. It will turn them off. This may give the finger-pointer a false sense of superiority but does nothing to solve the behavior. And solving the behavior should be the whole point!. The book is not based on any solid research, only the author's own observations. What evidence, besides the author's assertion, that there is an epidemic of male passive-aggressiveness? More importantly, it offers no solutions beyond bringing the poor guy into therapy (This is probably how the author makes a living). You are better off buying one of the good cognitive-behavioral books available. Changing oneself or getting another person to change is hard work. You don't need to make it harder by name-calling and then not providing any solutions.
Rating:
Summary: This book saved my sanity and has given me hope for a future
Review: Gradually, over a period of 18 years of marriage, I started to sense that maybe some of our marriage problems could be attributed to a personality disorder. I read about various disorders and came up with suspicions of Passive Aggressive Disorder in my husband. One night, two years ago, I decided to go to the bookstore to find a book just on PA Disorder. There it was, like it was waiting for me - Living With The Passive Aggressive Man!! I went straight home and read all night, armed with a red pencil and underlining passages and starring sentences. What a catharsis! Now, 2 years later, I reread the book to remind myself that I am not crazy, that I am not a bitch, and that I am doing the right thing to file for divorce, even with 2 daughters who love their father. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, because, as we all know, he's SUCH a nice guy..... Well, luckily he IS a nice guy , but he has a lot of problems to work out to learn how to establish an honest relationship with someone, including his daughters. I honestly wish him the best of luck. The only thing missing from Dr. Wetzler's book is help in divorcing the Passive Aggressive father of your children, especially pre-adolescent daughters. I felt a little lost about what to do next after reading about my life in the book.
Rating:
Summary: A mirrored image of my "relationship"-help is needed!
Review: How did Dr. Wetzler know? I have been living with a "personality" type that is an exact reflection of Dr. Wetzler's case studies. I have played every role - manager, mother and now the victim. All the literature reports that children, especially teens, are adversely affected by parental divorces. This PAPD has gotten physically abusive ( rest assured - it was my fault) - and is ALWAYS verbally abusive - "Don't make me have to fight you." or, "You keep on and I will have to hurt you - no threat- just tellin ya like it is." Dr. Wetzler provides a glimmer of sanity for the spouse of a PAPD in that there is another world out there. I would like to have seen some suggestions as to how to end a relationship where children are involved. Thanks, Dr. Wetzler - you have provided a life line through your touch with reality.
Rating:
Summary: Awesome and right on!
Review: I absolutely could not put this book down! I intend to read it again very soon. It is amazing how accurately Dr. Wetzler describes several people that I could not, for the life of me, figure out. Until now. I can't believe that passive-aggresseive is a male-only problem - several women I know fit the descriptions nicely - what we would call "back-stabbers" in the past, I suppose. But it is much more insidious than that - and until the P-A themselves recognize the problem and seek qualified help, it is mostly a no-win situation. If someone cares enough to hang in there, there are ways to deal with these people and try to "get along." Fortunately, my dealings with PA's were not with my husband - but this book deals with co-workers, bosses, other relatives, etc. so it is definitely a great book if there are people in your life that you "just can't figure out." Dr. Wetzler has a terrific writing style, very easy to read. The book is very absorbing, emminently useful and easy to understand - I just can't say enough good things about this gem of a book! Dr. Wetzler is someone whom I think would be fascinating to talk with!
Rating:
Summary: Comprehensive and useful information. Could not put it down.
Review: I am married to and have two children with a passive aggressive man. I have searched local bookstores for a book on the topic for 2 years. One night, in desperation, I searched Amazon for a book on the subject and thankfully, I found this book by Scott Wetzeler. Scott Wetzler clearly outlines the personality of a passive aggressive and concise terms and offers comprehensive solutions in how to deal with this personality. What I loved most about the book were the validating stories told by other women that have experienced the, frustration, humiliation and emotional abuse, while involved with a "PA". I read their words over and over again in partial disbeleif, that my exact feelings and discription of the behavior, were staring back at me in black and white. I urge anyone (male or female) who is in a relationship with someone who sulks, does not respond to a direct question or insists they are not angry even though their actions tell you otherwise, to read this book. It will save your life, as it has mine.
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