The Sacrificial Mother: Escaping the Trap of Self-Denial

Rating:
Summary: Lacking in insight.
Review: Although this book provides some interesting reading for an experienced mother it would be dangerous if it fell into the hands of a new one. The author continually advises against falling in love with your little one and seems to ignore their feelings completely. This is contrary to what most new mothers need. Beginning mothers need to have their feelings of love and devotion validated not ridiculed. The author uses examples like a mother giving up drinking soft drinks for breakfast as an example of a sacrificial mother. Is this a bad thing? Is there anything wrong with our children being the catalyst for positive change. There is a lot to lear about mothering but this book offers a mother nothing.

Rating:
Summary: Important book for both sacrifical moms & their adult kids
Review: I thought my mother was the only mother who drove herself to near mental illness with her constant sacrificing. Even though my sister is 22 and I am 28, my mother still refuses to do anything just for herself. I have learned a lot about why my mom is so troubled and why my sister and I have such a difficult time coping. I am going to suggest to my mom that she read this book. I believe it will help her a great deal.

Rating:
Summary: Worthwhile message, but frustratingly repetitious
Review: Rubenstein makes some compelling and insightful observations in this book, and the author's message is a valuable one for a mother or mother-to-be. However, the book is annoyingly repetitive (I wondered if Rubenstein's editor was on vacation??), hammering the same point over and over. The book seems disorganized, as well as filled excessively with anecdotal information ("my neighbor," "my friend," "a woman I know,") that simply reillustrates points already clearly illustrated. The book should have been trimmed down to a third its published length.

In a nutshell, Rubenstein's thesis is thus: Most mothers sacrifice too much for their families, and frequently all this sacrificing spoils the children (and husband) and simultaneously causes the mother to lose her sense of self. A vicious cycle results: the children and husband rely on the mother/wife to do everything for them, and although the mother/wife gets increasingly frustrated, exhausted, and angry at this, she continues to feel it's her "job" to sacrifice for her family, to *always* meet their "needs" (which are often not real needs) before--or instead of--her own. The rest of the book simply shows examples of this pattern, ranging from the absurd to the commonplace.

Rubenstein is NOT saying that women should give up sacrificing--just that they shouldn't sacrifice quite so much, since it can be costly to their mental and physical health, to the health of their marriages, and to the developing autonomy of their children. She IS saying that women need to make sure their husbands and children also learn to sacrifice--so the whole family works as a team.

The book is worth reading, or skimming, if these are issues you are struggling with. Even if you are not, it's not a bad message to be pay attention to anyway. Many women exhibit this kind of behavior even before they become mothers or wives.