Is He Straight : A Checklist for Women Who Wonder

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Summary: Analyzing the Dynamics of Marriage
Review: Bonnie Kaye has written a text which undoubtedly can put the spotlight on marriages in trouble and that can not only help spouses come to terms with a life-altering problem, but also develop stragegies to deal with it. In her book, Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder, Ms. Kaye tells her own story in heartbreaking detail and shares with her readers HER way of dealing with the problems which ensue when a wife suspects her mate is gay or bi-sexual. She answers a variety of basic questions that cross the minds of wives faced with the possibility that their husbands are gay in a warm-hearted and authoritative manner; it's like having a good friend to talk to, someone who will listen to your problems and advise you from the point of view of having been their and having suffered the same fears and qualms. Her comments regarding concern for AIDS are most timely and can truly save lives. Her chapter dealing with children of a marriage on the brink of ending because of the revealed sexual orientation of the husband is very valuable in that it treats an issue that is crucial and one which often gets lost in the politics and selfishness of marital decisions based on sexual orientation. I recommend this book to anyone who has ever wondered about the sexual orientation of a spouse or significant other; the grief and anguish it can save is priceless.

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Summary: Misguided Perceptions
Review: I am very sorry to say that I am not able to endorse this book as it is written with many inaccuracies and with a clear slant, that being against the gay/bi father. And in fact with such gross overgeneralizations and oversimplifications, I find your book more of a danger to wives of these men, and not informational or healing. The book does not lend itself toward transformation.

In fact, I find it completely inaccurate and very offensive esp the section about disclosing to children or not. The issue is very complex as you mention, but while mentioning this, you go on to give black and white simple answers. "If the child is nearing adolescence, it is advisable not to reveal this information.". This is completely incorrect, and while a more challenging time for children to integrate this information, based on their own developmental tasks, a thoughtful and caring presentation focusing on maintaining relationship is most effective. You also state "if a child is too young to comprend the concept of sexuality, it can be damaging to discuss this"? How else do children learn about sexuality if parents to not discuss it with them in age appropriate ways. Of course children understand "sex and sexuality" differently then we do as adults, so I suggest using the language of "emotion" with children, vs "sex".... children understand love and caring. To close down the conversation as you suggest creates shame in the father, distant in the father-child relationship and is once again not adviseable. Truth and sensitivity in the context of understanding the father-child relationship is what is essential.In a field where there is not much written on this issue I was hoping for a more scholarly and educated presentation of difficult material that is able to be understood by those seeking limited resources. Instead we get black and white gross oversimplifications and dangerous recommendations not at all supportive of the intricacy of all the relationships involved. I cannot recommend this book. Thomas Fronczak LICSW Founder, Gay Fathers Support Network

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Summary: Thanks for such wonderful, useful insight!
Review: I cannot begin to express my gratitude to Bonnie for taking the time and making the effort to make all this valuable information available to so many women in need. I know personally, discovering that you are married to a gay man is the most devastating thing one can go through.

Through my time spent with Bonnie, the support group and her book, I have gained so much valuable information that will help me make informed, logical decisions that will affect the rest of my life as well as the lives of my children.

One of the most helpful things I found in the book is the realization that I am NOT the only woman to have ever faced this and it's NOT my fault. As wives of gay men, we are NOT alone in this matter ... and there are other women who have been and are going through this ... that are so willing to be there for you.

I am so thankful that I found Bonnie. I have gained knowledge and felt her compassion. I feel so much more confident now that I can face and handle this situation in a matter that will benefit all parties involved. I just cannot give enough praise for such a wonderful tool ... Thanks Bonnie!

Rating:
Summary: Poorly Done
Review: This book is not a fair assessment of the complexities which exist in marriages where one partner is gay and the other straight. Bonnie Kaye treats this issue very simplistically by stating the only way to happiness, once it is found out that a husband is gay or bisexual, is to divorce.

Her experience cannot be applied to everyone. I'm sure there are many women who want to wallow in self-pity along with Ms. Kaye. However, if women want to have a deeper understanding of what is happening to them after their husbands come out to them, this is not the book for them.

Divorce is not the only solution, although it may be right for some people. There are many examples, which Ms. Kaye fails to mention, of successful, happy couples who are in mixed-orientation marriages.

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Summary: "At Last----A Lifeline"
Review: When I first started running a helpline in England, UK four years ago to support parents with gay children, the majority of calls were from parents. But increasingly I and other helplines around the Country are receiving more and more calls from spouses of gay partners. These are mostly from wives with gay/bisexual husbands. We have tried very hard to obtain literature and support for these people, but apart from three ex wives of gay husbands who offer help by phone, there has been little else to offer them.So imagine my great joy when a friend of a friend gave me Bonnie Kaye's website address.I couldn't wait to get home to see what it was all about. I can't tell you how happy I was! Here at last was our lifeline.

I immeadiately contacted Bonnie and we had a long 'chat' by e.mail. I recieved a copy of her book and couldn't put it down. It is an excellent book! I have recommended it to all 46 FFLAG ( Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) the UK national organisation of support helplines and groups members.I salute you Bonnie Kaye!