Lost and Found

Rating:
Summary: I couldn't relate
Review: I found the book depressing since most of the stories involved people negatively affected by adoption. I couldn't relate to many of the feelings expressed. I would like to see a few positive experiences thrown in. On the other hand, if you are experiencing a lot of issues around adoption- this will let you know you are not alone.

Rating:
Summary: Adoption for the Current Generation
Review: I read most of this book in one night - not because it was amazing but because it made me angry. The author creates a portrate of adopted children through sweeping generalization that would have you believe they are all damaged goods. How do I know this is not true? Because I'm adopted too.

I found the experiences in this book were from a different generation - one where adoption was a stigma to hide. Most of the experiences and focuse around lies told to children and the effects of a culture that viewed adoption as a dark secret. How wouldn't a child be damaged in a system like that! This is a book, written in 1979, is for a different generation of adopted children. It does not necessary reflect adoptions today, or those of my generation. If I were a potential parent looking to adopt today, this book would leave me hollow.

Not to say this book is without some saving graces for the adopted. For those who parents misguiding lied to them, or who grew up when adoption was still a stigma, for those who are seeking or who have bee sought out this could be an excellent resource.

I don't speak for all adopted children but I think the current generation is given more information and is supported in a variety of ways. It is not an easy path for any of the people involved, there are still legal battles as well as personal ones to be fought and won. I suggest seeking out other materials that are more helpful - such as Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.

Each of us has scars, adopted or not. It is up to us to find ways to recognize them and to heal. For some that means moving past an old life, for others it means finding it.

To the adopted, their families, and those who may one day be part of the adoption triad there is so much more than this book covers. So much more happiness and love that is possible.

Good luck in your search.

Rating:
Summary: If you read only one...this is it.
Review: In my life, reunion wasn't reality until my life was my own-so I went about it with some organizational ability. Information and what to do with it was what I wanted and this gave me great help in that direction. Those triad members who believe their status hasn't affected their lives, just haven't figured it out yet. My adoption 50 years ago has colored every relationship since that first one that ended (physically) 3 weeks after my birth. In order to put together the pieces of 'why' I am....important parts needed to be found, so I set about looking. BJ Lifton helped with a compassion I hadn't found before her book. There are many emotions connected with searching-and finding-no matter how pleasant or how ugly-and one Can't anticipate many of them without some help. Help is within the pages of this one. The one piece of information-above all else-she taught me, was that my search was mine. I owned it and could choose to do it, or not, at my level of comfort. After reunion, boundaries need to be built, in order to protect that comfort. The book helped me start that so when the time came, I could hold back until I knew just how far I could go-how far I could allow the others to come. All in all, it was like having a big sister, walk through it with me. She's a good friend-even if she's not aware I'm out here! Thank you BJ!

Rating:
Summary: Lost and Found The Adoption Experience
Review: Lifton displays powerful insight and perspective of the adult adoptee. A must read for those researching the adoption experience, Lifton opens the psyche to experiencing the adoption world beyond the archaic "closed" system to a more humane, child-centered, open system. The research results presenting how the adult adoptee experiences life from an "outsiders" point of view would make anyone social worker with a heart consider the real issues in the adoption experience.

Rating:
Summary: A little depressing
Review: Most Triadians (adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents) know that BJ Lifton is one of the definitive voices on adoption issues, and this book is one of my personal favorites of hers. If you buy no other search/reunion book, this is the one to have IMO.

I began my search for my birthmother in 1986, locating her finally in 1997. "Lost and Found" in particular helped me to deal with a lot of the issues that come up while searching, AND once you are reunited. There are even chapters on birthfathers and on siblings, something most books fail to mention or deal with.

It is important for those who decide to search to carefully consider their reasons for searching, and also to think about what their expectations are. If you are not prepared for the possibility of "anything can happen", you may be highly dissapointed or even devasted by the results.

I am glad that I chose to search, it has made my life complete in a way that wouldn't have been possible before I had the answers to my questions about where I came from, and who "my people" were. Though my reunion has had some major ups and downs, I don't regret my decision and I thank BJ Lifton for her insights that helped me get through the entire process.

~Reunited adoptee and adoptee rights activist Still ISO birthfather