Splitting Up: Enmeshment and Estrangement in the Process of Divorce

Rating:
Summary: This book is worth the price
Review: I really swallowed hard, paying the $$ to buy this book. But if you are a thoughtful person striving to "figure out" why you got dumped in a significant relationship, this is I think a potentially life altering book. My pile of self-help books has literally broken the bank this last few months and some of the books have been helpful -- especially just about anything by Carter and Sokol (the He's Scared, She's Scared and Men Who Can't Love people). But the real advantage of Splitting Up is that it is NOT a self-help book but rather an academic approach. As explained in one of the preceding reviews, the authors describe a standard "bad relationship" dynamic of polarization of the pair into a "distancer/countersymbiant" and a "pursuer/symbiant." The distancer develops alienation and dissatisfaction with relationship that ends up with development of a public self and a secret real self and then ultimately -- surprise!!! -- dumping the devastated symbiant to pursue the secret life (often with a new partner). It truly is like reading your own life story, if you are trying to recover from something like this yourself. Most people who would come to this book for understanding of a real life experience would be the symbiant of course. And the thing is that for me, symbiant in a recent classic reenactment of the scenario, the hardest thing has been trying to "figure out why he did it." This book has helped me understand "what happened." I can see all my behavior as "acting out according to script." And so now, though I still cry and rage a lot, I have A CHOICE to write my own script rather than acting this one out blindly. At least that is my fervent hope. If you are trying your darndest to understand what happened, this is the book for you!

Rating:
Summary: This book is worth the price
Review: I really swallowed hard, paying the $$ to buy this book. But if you are a thoughtful person striving to "figure out" why you got dumped in a significant relationship, this is I think a potentially life altering book. My pile of self-help books has literally broken the bank this last few months and some of the books have been helpful -- especially just about anything by Carter and Sokol (the He's Scared, She's Scared and Men Who Can't Love people). But the real advantage of Splitting Up is that it is NOT a self-help book but rather an academic approach. As explained in one of the preceding reviews, the authors describe a standard "bad relationship" dynamic of polarization of the pair into a "distancer/countersymbiant" and a "pursuer/symbiant." The distancer develops alienation and dissatisfaction with relationship that ends up with development of a public self and a secret real self and then ultimately -- surprise!!! -- dumping the devastated symbiant to pursue the secret life (often with a new partner). It truly is like reading your own life story, if you are trying to recover from something like this yourself. Most people who would come to this book for understanding of a real life experience would be the symbiant of course. And the thing is that for me, symbiant in a recent classic reenactment of the scenario, the hardest thing has been trying to "figure out why he did it." This book has helped me understand "what happened." I can see all my behavior as "acting out according to script." And so now, though I still cry and rage a lot, I have A CHOICE to write my own script rather than acting this one out blindly. At least that is my fervent hope. If you are trying your darndest to understand what happened, this is the book for you!

Rating:
Summary: A must read
Review: My copy of this book has so many dog-eared pages and so much highlighter on it that I need to buy a new one so I can read it for the umptheenth time. If you want to understand yourself, your spouse, the dynamics of your relationship, what went wrong, and why you are behaving like you are, this is the only book to read. As other reviewers have noted, it is not a self-help book, just factual, but you can not read it without gaining eye opening insight. You will understand what happened and why, and that in itself is "self-help". I bought dozens of books on relationships and divorce, and then I found this one and didn't need any of the others.

Rating:
Summary: A must read
Review: There's no handbook for divorce. You just have to muddle through for the most part. Just get the best lawyer money can buy, hunker down for the battle, and wait for the smoke to clear. And get a copy of "Splitting Up." It's not a book for those who need hand holding. It arms you with an awareness of the stark mental realities you face regarding yourself, your former spouse, your kids, jealousy, rage, etc. Even if your happy with your decision, walking out of the door ain't the end of things, it's just the beginning.

Rating:
Summary: Splitting Up : ...Estrangement in the Process of Divorce
Review: There's no handbook for divorce. You just have to muddle through for the most part. Just get the best lawyer money can buy, hunker down for the battle, and wait for the smoke to clear. And get a copy of "Splitting Up." It's not a book for those who need hand holding. It arms you with an awareness of the stark mental realities you face regarding yourself, your former spouse, your kids, jealousy, rage, etc. Even if your happy with your decision, walking out of the door ain't the end of things, it's just the beginning.

Rating:
Summary: Pam & Pearson have really captured a phenomenon here- GREAT!
Review: This is a GREAT book. I have a Ph.D. in psychology, but did not pick this book up out of academic interest. I picked it up when my husband of six years (partner of nine)decided to leave me and our 17-month old daughter for another woman and another life. As I began reading about the roles (of "symbiant" and countersymbiant")that members of a divorcing couple play, I started looking for the hidden cameras in my home- it was that accurate! As the separation between my husband and I continues, and the divorce process progresses, I find myself repeatedly reading the accounts of how the symbiant and countersymbiant each go through stages toward ultimately "letting go." This section offers invaluable understanding of what each of us is experiencing. For me, the sections on relationships ending in a love triangle are also very helpful. As someone trained to read synthesis and interpretation of psychological research findings, I find this a very accessible book. I would highly recommend this to clinicians, and to individuals who might find that taking an intellectual approach helps them cope with their own divorce experience.