Preparing Your Child for Dating

Rating:
Summary: Pratical, hands-on, must read for parents of dating teens
Review: Barnes gives us chapter by chapter, practical how-to tips on how to start early in talking out what children are really crying for...information and guidance. With this book we have a better chance in properly preparing our children/teens for having fun at dating, planning dating, guiding them in deciding when to say yes or no, foundations for choosing their lifelong mate, protecting from the negatives in dating, meeting/interviewing her date/his date, how to start the discussion, how to protect from deciding for them, preparing them to decide for themselves at college, curfew: when to relax and tighten them. Every parent on earth should have read this book...then apply it.

Rating:
Summary: Reasonable, Balanced Approach to Christian Dating
Review: Book Review
Preparing Your Child for Dating (Dr. Bob Barnes, Zondervan, 1998;
203pp)
by Ed Vasicek

Preparing Your Child for Dating is an excellent, well-rounded volume covering the broad spectrum of dating issues from a mainstream evangelical Christian viewpoint. The author, Dr. Bob Barnes, operates under the premise that controlled dating under parental supervision prepares one for dating when no longer under that supervision. Courtship (as per Josh Harris) he argues, leaves a child naive and unprepared for dating once "out of the nest."

The book is divided into four sections, with sections two and three receiving the most space. The divisions are: (1)A Generation with No Guidelines,(2)The Plan for Dating,(3)The Dating Process,and(4)The Lessons Learned.

Two chapters were notable in the first section. One of them, entitled, "Develop a Plan Before You Develop A Problem" urges parents to be proactive in dating. He writes, "Left to their own devices,with no guidance from parents,teens begin dating with very immature ideas about the opposite sex.....Parents must develop a dating plan for their children...(pp.24-25)."

Another chapter, titled, "Who's in Charge Here?" tells it like it often is: "In many homes, the children are in charge of their own dating. Their parents think there's nothing they can do...In Parent-Directed Dating, the parents implement a training program that teaches their children about dating but puts the responsibility for proper dating squarely on the shoulders of the child, (pp.35-36)."

Section two talks about developing a "dating plan." Since the long-term goal of dating is to find an appropriate person to marry, Dr. Barnes suggests developing a list with children before they date as to what they want in a mate. The list is divided into absolute requirements(examples: a dedicated Christian,no drugs/alcohol, etc.),important but not absolutely necessary qualities, and then preferences. When a girl is asked out on a date,for example,she goes over that list with a parent. This helps decisions to be more objective and less emotional. Rather than become emotionally involved and then choosing whether to obey the Lord or rationalize disobedience,misplaced emotions are avoided.

When going to a "party," the author argues, it is very logical for parents to speak to the host parents. They need to inquire as to whether the parents will be present and what standards will be upheld. Though young people will claim theirs was the only mom to do such a thing, Dr.Barnes says "do it!"

Parents must also discuss with their teens what is and is not
appropriate. The word "appropriate," he suggests, is a key term. What sort of affection(in public and private)is and is not acceptable? What sort of places are and are not appropriate?

In the third section,the author discusses "The Dating Process." Ages for double and single dating must be decided beforehand. The author gives no absolute plan (purposely so),but does mention that his daughter was allowed to double date at age 16, for example. Privileges must be earned(for example, a curfew can be extended after a young person has proven himself/herself trustworthy by obeying the previous curfew, etc;otherwise the curfew is made even earlier!). Quiet, objective firmness can control the argumentive pattern that develops when parents give in.

One strong emphasis in this section is the importance of "interviewing" the "date" beforehand (perhaps having the young person over for Sunday dinner). This can "weed out" many problems and is in itself worth the price of the book.

The last section, "The Lessons Learned" discusses releasing a prepared young person to independence, the ultimate goal being self-discipline.

As a pastor, one of the biggest obstacles I find in rearing young people today is parents whose heads are buried in the sand, assuming things have changed little since they were young (as mentioned above). To all such,I share this quotation from Dr. Barnes: "Tragedy lurks when a parent chooses not to be informed...(p.137)."

I give this book two thumbs up, and, along with "I Kissed Dating
Goodbye," should give concerned parents a well-rounded perspective of thoughtful opinion from two differing Christian perspectives.

As a pastor,I would like to add this comment: The "courtship" approach mandates that a young person whole-heartedly embrace it. I do not think it is healthy for parents to force their young people into this approach. The second approach (the
above book)is,in my opinion,the minimum for Christian parents.

Remote control, the "duh, I don't know, duh, what are the other kids doing?" approach spells disaster, and is advocated by neither book. Parents know more than their teens (though your youngsters remain skeptical of this), and must direct the process.