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Summary: Comments on Papernow's "Becoming a Stepfamily"
Review: I am a stepfamily therapist and researcher, and an invited member of the Stepfamily Association of America's Advisory Council. I have read over 40 lay and clinical books on stepfamilies and stepparenting since 1979. "Bocoming a Stepfamily" is one of the two best ones I have read, on a complex and controversial subject. The other is Margaret Newman's "Stepfamily Realities."
A major plus for this book is the many stepfamily vignettes and quotes Papernow uses to illustrate her points. Another is her way of framing the developmental stages of four kinds of typical stepfamilies. A third plus is Papernow's insightful sketching of the respective viewpoints and needs of the biological parent and the stepparent in different phases of stepfamily development. A rare feature of her book vs. others in the genre is her acknowledging that many stepfamily co-parents (bioparents and stepparents) have significant psychological wounds from their childhood that impact their stepfamily relationships. Most stepfamily authors ignore this vital reality.
A last unique advantage to this book is Papernow's (accurate) description that stepparents (and their kids, if any) initially feel like "outsiders" in the new stepfamily system, and that a major task all members face is to acknowledge that, and work to balance the outsiders and insiders through expanding mutual empathy.
A major drawback to this book is Papernow's decision to say little about ex mates. She implies that a nuclear stepfamily excludes or minimizes them (and any new mate and stepkids they have). The benefit of this is to keep her book conceptually simple. The great deficit is that it ignores a major source of re/marital and co-poarenting stress (or potential strength) for adults and kids alike. Unless a remarried bioparent is a widow/er, a nuclear stepfamily system *always* spans at least three co-parents and two or more co-parenting homes - even if a non-custodial bioparent is inactive.
The only other major improvement I can see to this clear, well organized, reader-friendly overview book is to clarify Papernow's metaphoric concept of "stepfamily mapping." She rightly says a common task for new stepfamily members is to "build a map" of each other's part of their new family. The metaphor seems vague and somewhat confusing. I believe what she means is "work to clarify each other's needs, new roles, and new stepfamily rules as you merge your biofamily cultures." I highly recommend this useful book to courting and remarried coparents, clergy, and other human-service professionals.
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Summary: Papernow's book focuses on the real issues of stepfamilies.
Review: In 1994, my then fiance and I read together Papernow's book on stepfamilies in order to prepare us for the challenge of blending my five children and his eight children (four of which were already married). This was so invaluable in giving me the perspective of all parties involved. Over and over through the years (it is now 2001) this book made me realize that my side of the various issues that come and go is not the only valid view of things. Time does make a big difference in settling issues and feelings. I think this book should be required reading before anyone undertakes the task of step parenting. It arms you with so many valuable insights before you have to learn by experience and wreck your marriage. Our marriage is going strong; this book did help.
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Summary: insightful and thorough guide for parents and professionals
Review: While this book is written for professionals, it reads smoothly enough that anyone with a basic understanding of family dynamics should find it helpful. Of particular interest to families facing the challenges of remarriage are the many interviews and case histories of families who have been there, done that. I would also recommend this book to any professional who works with stepfamilies, as it contains clear models of stepfamily development and the stages of forming long-lasting successful blended unions. A ray of hope in the sometimes murky arena of steparenting!
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