How Can You Tell If You're Really in Love?

Rating:
Summary: A great way to improve your relationship
Review: I am usually not one for reading self-help books,but I was given this one by a good friend of mine and ordered to read it. So I did, and what I read was quite impressive. The title of the book is certainly what the book is about, but the book is also about gaining self-knowledge.

Gordon himself says at the end of the introduction, "This book is about encouraging you to go on a self-discovery - to find your own voice." The book not only helps you examine your relationships and determine what you need in them, but it also helps you examine yourself - especially learning about negative things that you may carry into a relationship. The downside to this is that once you see all the negative characteristics staring you in the face, you become depressed and feel that you are not ever meant to be a relationship, let alone a good one. The upside is that once you look past the negativity, your mind starts turning, and you begin to realize that you can change things about yourself, and possibly about your relationship, but only if you want to.

Let me give you a personal example. I have been dating the most wonderful man on and off for the past 4 years. For at least 3 of those years, I was pretty certain that we were not meant for each other, but I wanted to be with him and couldn't reconcile my feelings. He didn't do things the way I wanted him to, he didn't say things I wanted him to say, and so on. Yet he was the sweetest, handsomest, kindest man in the world, and he was and is still completely in love with me. So what happened to change my mind? What happened was that I was given this book to read, and after reading it, I took a good long look, not only at our relationship as a whole, but at myself, and what I found was appalling. I began to see all these negative interactions that I would create between us, just because I had always done so with other partners. I began to realize that part of the reason he wasn't getting through to me, was because I wasn't letting him - not because I didn't want him to, but because that was the way I had always been. I realized that something had to be done, because I wanted to be with him. So I began to change. I viewed every interaction or exchange with him as a new challenge to me to see if I could respond in positive ways. I cannot express in words how incredible it was to see the change. I became a totally different person around him. He picked up on the positive vibes and began to react to me positively and affectionately as well, just like I had always wanted him to. I actually LIKED myself, and I finally fell in love with him. All I can say is that our relationship has been truly wonderful ever since, and I'm grateful that he stayed with me.

So I just want to tell readers that while you may think the book seems to condemn your relationship to the never-meant-to-be pile, make sure you dive under the surface before you decide to walk away. Gordon says, "What does matter is the active pursuit of closeness with another person, and making the effort to enrich your life through self-development." In essence, Gordon has written the perfect book - one that opens readers' eyes to many love and relationship issues, and one that challenges readers to examine themselves, and their relationships, and to make changes where they need to be made. The trick is knowing the "where." But if you remain open-minded and you want to change, you'll figure it out.

Rating:
Summary: Love and Self Portraits
Review: I am usually not one for reading self-help books,but I was given this one by a good friend of mine and ordered to read it. So I did, and what I read was quite impressive. The title of the book is certainly what the book is about, but the book is also about gaining self-knowledge.

Gordon himself says at the end of the introduction, "This book is about encouraging you to go on a self-discovery - to find your own voice." The book not only helps you examine your relationships and determine what you need in them, but it also helps you examine yourself - especially learning about negative things that you may carry into a relationship. The downside to this is that once you see all the negative characteristics staring you in the face, you become depressed and feel that you are not ever meant to be a relationship, let alone a good one. The upside is that once you look past the negativity, your mind starts turning, and you begin to realize that you can change things about yourself, and possibly about your relationship, but only if you want to.

Let me give you a personal example. I have been dating the most wonderful man on and off for the past 4 years. For at least 3 of those years, I was pretty certain that we were not meant for each other, but I wanted to be with him and couldn't reconcile my feelings. He didn't do things the way I wanted him to, he didn't say things I wanted him to say, and so on. Yet he was the sweetest, handsomest, kindest man in the world, and he was and is still completely in love with me. So what happened to change my mind? What happened was that I was given this book to read, and after reading it, I took a good long look, not only at our relationship as a whole, but at myself, and what I found was appalling. I began to see all these negative interactions that I would create between us, just because I had always done so with other partners. I began to realize that part of the reason he wasn't getting through to me, was because I wasn't letting him - not because I didn't want him to, but because that was the way I had always been. I realized that something had to be done, because I wanted to be with him. So I began to change. I viewed every interaction or exchange with him as a new challenge to me to see if I could respond in positive ways. I cannot express in words how incredible it was to see the change. I became a totally different person around him. He picked up on the positive vibes and began to react to me positively and affectionately as well, just like I had always wanted him to. I actually LIKED myself, and I finally fell in love with him. All I can say is that our relationship has been truly wonderful ever since, and I'm grateful that he stayed with me.

So I just want to tell readers that while you may think the book seems to condemn your relationship to the never-meant-to-be pile, make sure you dive under the surface before you decide to walk away. Gordon says, "What does matter is the active pursuit of closeness with another person, and making the effort to enrich your life through self-development." In essence, Gordon has written the perfect book - one that opens readers' eyes to many love and relationship issues, and one that challenges readers to examine themselves, and their relationships, and to make changes where they need to be made. The trick is knowing the "where." But if you remain open-minded and you want to change, you'll figure it out.

Rating:
Summary: Practially a condemnation of love and relationships
Review: I will start by acknowledging a bias. My wife, contemplating a separation, purchased this, among other books. I read it in in one sitting and, guys, if you're wife/girlfriend is reading this book, prepare to pack your bags. Although he makes a passing mention for some ability to change, it takes an EXTREMELY absolutist (and negative) approach with numerous recommendations to leave your partner or break up the relationship. He continually gives "must leave" and "no chance for happiness" lists indicating that that things are hopeless and nothing will change. Most amazing is that a Therapist and Professor of Child and Family studies makes these lists and while few to no suggestions are made to resolve issues via counseling or therapy.

Clearly this book is directed at women, who make up a large percentage of relationship self-help books market but sadly it is directed at too many different readers. What is true for a woman dating is not the same for a woman married one year, one married 15 years or a recovering divorcee. Dr. Gordon makes the distinctions, when there are some, too blurry.

Ultimately it is the generalizations and absolutes that makes this a potential relationship killer. If you must buy this book, temper it with a more optimistic work such as If Only He Knew (directed at men - and very religious, btw) or Divorce Busting, one that gives great hope for conflict resolution and in the process superbly illustrates the many correctible causes of marital blunders and stress.

Rating:
Summary: Understanding Love
Review: It is summed up quite simply in the first chapter that relationships between couples who have been married for long amounts of time are so successful because they married due to "...each other's character, trustworthiness, and emotional stability." I felt that this was a book of wisdom. It explains the different kinds of love that one can feel for another. I feel that all too often sex is confused with true love. Dr. Gordon points this out in the book. Know matter how painful that may be to admit, it is the truth of our society, which is why our society has such high adultery statistics. I particularly was fond of Gordon's chapter on "Learning to Choose a Healthy Relationship." I feel that the biggest mistake that many couples make is honesty. I don't mean being honest with one another, but being honest with yourself. This is crucial in lasting relationships, and in order to do this, you must know yourself, as Gordon stated. Many people don't! We all have fantasies floating around in our heads about the perfect person, but just as Gordon puts it, they are just that, FANTASIES! I truly feel that this book lists several ways to know yourself and understand what you are after in a lasting relationship made of love. It would not be fair to say that this book is a negative absolutist's view on relationships, because it is not. It points out a lot of negative problems in relationships, and why it is that so many relationships do not last. However, it is the truth that hurts people. I feel that anyone who has experienced the power of lasting love would love this book. It is a affirmation of everything gone right in your relationship. This book was written with the wisdom and knowledge of all types of love, and it was an excellent book. I highly recommend it to all serious couples who are dating, engaged, married, and even divorced.

Rating:
Summary: Reassurance
Review: Recently I have become engaged and after reading How Can You Tell If You're In Love by Sol Gordon, Ph.D. the book has reaffirmed my beliefs that I have found the "right" individual to continue through life with. The book made a very positive influence on our relationship as well. I was able to easily relate to the author discussing the importance of touching, cuddling, and caressing besides the sexual intercourse itself. The physical closeness definately is a must. The author also included a short checklist to see how reasonably I have concluded different aspects about the one I love - I felt relieved, thrilled, and reassured when I could truthfully answer positively to all the questions.

Rating:
Summary: A realistic approach to modern relationships
Review: Sol Gordon's theories on contemporary relationships are right on target. This book is based in reality, and not mired down in unobtainable notions of romance. His language is to the point and easy to understand, he is not spouting psycho babble or New Age rhetoric. Gordon points to very specific behaviors, both negative and positive, that I was able to recognize in myself as well as my past partners. Behaviors that can be changed once we are aware of them, and to look out for in prospective partners. I now see how I sabatoged relationships, and I understand more of why I did it. In Chapter 6, Gordon writes of our increasingly disposable society. We live in a world where everything is disposable, including relationships. Many people will just dispose of a relationship rather then work to fix it. Here Gordon challenges us to face into the reality of the situation rather then walk away. He encourages us to look at the relationship, and each other. If there is a chance that you can both emerge stronger and closer isn't worth the time? Admittedly, perhaps not all relationships can, or even should be saved. But how many more would last if couples really took the time to try to solve the problems? Or at least to reach a comprimise? Throughout the book, Gordon challenges readers to look into themselves, to look at our own issues, behaviors and faults. We are challenged to look at our partners, past, present and future. What are we afraid of? Do we become involved with the wrong people? Do we lie? Do we need to have control and refuse to compromise? And why? Personally, I found these challenges to be insightful and inspiring. True, it also made me angry at times, who really wants to look at our negative traits and mistakes? While Gordon is realistic about the negative aspects of relationships, he is never defeatist. I finished the book feeling much better about myself then I had in years. I understand more clearly the mistakes I have made in the past, and I recognize the mistakes made by my past partners. I also feel that I will be able to avoid making the same mistakes, not only in romantic relationships, but in all relationships. Some readers may find the blunt reality of this book disturbing, but I found it encouraging. Love is not a Julia Roberts movie or an article in Cosmo. Love can be intoxicating, boring, amazing and messy, sometimes all at the same time. I would recomend this book to anyone who has hit a troubled spot in their relationship, and perhaps more so to someone who is not curently in a relationship.

Rating:
Summary: A realistic approach to modern relationships
Review: Sol Gordon's theories on contemporary relationships are right on target. This book is based in reality, and not mired down in unobtainable notions of romance. His language is to the point and easy to understand, he is not spouting psycho babble or New Age rhetoric. Gordon points to very specific behaviors, both negative and positive, that I was able to recognize in myself as well as my past partners. Behaviors that can be changed once we are aware of them, and to look out for in prospective partners. I now see how I sabatoged relationships, and I understand more of why I did it. In Chapter 6, Gordon writes of our increasingly disposable society. We live in a world where everything is disposable, including relationships. Many people will just dispose of a relationship rather then work to fix it. Here Gordon challenges us to face into the reality of the situation rather then walk away. He encourages us to look at the relationship, and each other. If there is a chance that you can both emerge stronger and closer isn't worth the time? Admittedly, perhaps not all relationships can, or even should be saved. But how many more would last if couples really took the time to try to solve the problems? Or at least to reach a comprimise? Throughout the book, Gordon challenges readers to look into themselves, to look at our own issues, behaviors and faults. We are challenged to look at our partners, past, present and future. What are we afraid of? Do we become involved with the wrong people? Do we lie? Do we need to have control and refuse to compromise? And why? Personally, I found these challenges to be insightful and inspiring. True, it also made me angry at times, who really wants to look at our negative traits and mistakes? While Gordon is realistic about the negative aspects of relationships, he is never defeatist. I finished the book feeling much better about myself then I had in years. I understand more clearly the mistakes I have made in the past, and I recognize the mistakes made by my past partners. I also feel that I will be able to avoid making the same mistakes, not only in romantic relationships, but in all relationships. Some readers may find the blunt reality of this book disturbing, but I found it encouraging. Love is not a Julia Roberts movie or an article in Cosmo. Love can be intoxicating, boring, amazing and messy, sometimes all at the same time. I would recomend this book to anyone who has hit a troubled spot in their relationship, and perhaps more so to someone who is not curently in a relationship.

Rating:
Summary: Finally, Some "Tough Love"
Review: Thank God for Sol Gordon. After languishing in a going-nowhere-fast relationship for more than two years, I picked up this book on a whim. I was amazed at how closely this book mirrored many of my personal struggles! It addressed my feelings and disappointments and gave practical advice that helped me to end my relationship and "move on." What was really different about Dr. Gordon was his honesty. Too often I was told "hang in there" and "love will find a way." This book, however, told me the truth -- that sometimes relationships just aren't meant to last. Yes, it was "tough love," but I needed to hear it. It helped me to re-think my notions of "love" and gave me the support I needed to leave my partner. Today we are both happier people, and I have met a new man that I know is right for me. Better still, I can now tell that I'm really in love!

Rating:
Summary: A great way to improve your relationship
Review: This book is really about finding your OWN center in life - knowing what you enjoy in life, what you want from a partner, and that you deserve to be happy and with someone that makes you happy. It then helps you look at the relationship you're in, and with open eyes determine if it's a healthy one for you.

The book isn't wishy-washy about this. He says quite openly, "By the way, about the dumbest thing anyone can do is to marry for sex. If sex is the only thing to look forward to in a marriage, don't marry at all. It's not worth it." That's the tone of a lot of the book - common sense. Don't put up with someone that enjoys insulting you. Don't confuse that rush of hormones in the first few weeks of dating as "true love which will last forever". With his years of experience, he helps you see common mistakes people make, and how to get through them.

He points out that too many of us are raised on quick-fixes these days. Magazines talk about the "27 signs you're in love" - featuring things like "you read his horoscope". People break off relationships as soon as they get the slightest bit difficult. He instead talks about the ways you really can know if the relationship is good for you, and that it's worth working on and getting to last.

Like all books, not every suggestion applies to every person, or to every situation. However, if you're able to read this with an open mind, and accept that your own perceptions might be causing some of the problems in your relationship, he'll help you find ways to change and grow into a more healthy situation.