Family Rules : Helping Stepfamilies and Single Parents Build Happy Homes

Rating:
Summary: Practical, realistic, and in the "Top Tier"!
Review: As a new stepmother, I've read close to 20 books on stepfamilies, countless books on marriage, and quite a number on parenting. (Can you tell I'm a teacher?) This is one of my favorites, largely because it diverges from the standard "psychology and philosophy" to emphasize the nitty-gritty, practical daily realities of sharing life and household space with children, particularly children who aren't biologically your own.

Having taught 7th grade and become a pretty vocal fan of clear expectations and consequences, I found I agree with the vast majority of Ms. Lofas' "rules". She has a desperately-needed perspective that benevolent adults are supposed to be in charge of the family, and offers countless practical steps to accomplish things such as: dinnertime rituals, chores, bathroom habits, bedtime customs, manners, adults' bedroom privacy, showing gratitude, tone of voice in communication, not accepting excuses, etc.

Much of these are exactly the issues that have come up in conversation and required some resolution in our new family. (I genuinely believe this is a helpful book even for families that don't have the added layer of complexity that stepfamilies encounter.) These guidelines are designed to ensure respect, order, and healthy boundaries within families; and to develop responsible character in children. This is one of the few books that I am campaigning loudly for my husband to please read before the children come to live with us.

Rating:
Summary: Practical, realistic, and in the "Top Tier"!
Review: As a new stepmother, I've read close to 20 books on stepfamilies, countless books on marriage, and quite a number on parenting. (Can you tell I'm a teacher?) This is one of my favorites, largely because it diverges from the standard "psychology and philosophy" to emphasize the nitty-gritty, practical daily realities of sharing life and household space with children, particularly children who aren't biologically your own.

Having taught 7th grade and become a pretty vocal fan of clear expectations and consequences, I found I agree with the vast majority of Ms. Lofas' "rules". She has a desperately-needed perspective that benevolent adults are supposed to be in charge of the family, and offers countless practical steps to accomplish things such as: dinnertime rituals, chores, bathroom habits, bedtime customs, manners, adults' bedroom privacy, showing gratitude, tone of voice in communication, not accepting excuses, etc.

Much of these are exactly the issues that have come up in conversation and required some resolution in our new family. (I genuinely believe this is a helpful book even for families that don't have the added layer of complexity that stepfamilies encounter.) These guidelines are designed to ensure respect, order, and healthy boundaries within families; and to develop responsible character in children. This is one of the few books that I am campaigning loudly for my husband to please read before the children come to live with us.

Rating:
Summary: Family Rules
Review: Family Rules is a how to do it manual for managing the stepfamily. Adults need guidance for dealing with the chaos that
usually ocurrs when a stpfamily is formed. Children need the security of knowing what is expected of them. This book very much helps. I recommend this book to my clients.

Rating:
Summary: A great book for todays changing families.
Review: I found this book to be of great help. It happens to be the first book I read on this subject. I have gained a lot of insite into the fact that I am not abonormal and that I have the same concerns as other women moving into stepparenthood. I would recommend this book for anyone who thinks they are a bad stepparent. Find out like I did that all hope is not lost. Learn how to get your house in harmony again. Gain insight on why you feel like you are fighting an up hill battle. Don't give up hope read this book!

Rating:
Summary: comprehensive - and misses four fundamentals
Review: I have specialized in providing professional education and therapy to divorced, courting, and re/wedded couples since 1981. I am (a) 66, (b) a stepgrandson, stepson, and ex-stepfather and stepbrother, (c) an invited Board member of the Stepfamily Association of America, (d) a contributing editor to 'Your Stepfamily Online,' and (e) the author of six personal-growth and family-relations books.

I recommend "Family Rules" to readers who want a useful overview of how many factors affect the quality of typical stepfamily relationships. I do not recommend this book to anyone seeking to learn and avoid the core causes of stepfamily stress and re/divorce. (The "/" notes it may be a steparent's first union).

Author Lofas is a veteran stepfamily member and spokesperson, with a big-picture style. Like most experienced authors in this genre, she doesn't emphasize four core hazards that (I believe) every re/courting and re/married partner and supporter must know:

1) Keystone: why and how to assess and reduce co-parents' psychological wounds from childhood (vs. divorce);

2) the origin and impacts of blocked grief in adults and kids, and how to spot and reduce it;

3) co-parent unawareness of five key topics: (a) normal personality formation, composition, and function; (b) keys to high-nurturance families and relationships, (c) effective communication skills, (d) healthy 3-level grief, and (e) specific stepfamily realities and implications. And...

4) little effective re/marital and co-parenting help (i.e. courtship coaching, classes, informed counseling, co-parent support groups) available in most communities and the media.

In my clinical experience, these factors will often combine to covertly block dedicated adults from following well-meant re/marital and co-parenting advice like that in this authoritarian book of rules (shoulds and musts).

If ignored, the four factors inexorably promote (a) choosing the wrong people to re/wed, for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time, and (b) subsequent escalating stresses and potential re/divorce.

Awareness, acceptance, and discussion can reduce the first three stressors over time, and help co-parents to achieve the high-nurturance stepfamilies they long for.

For more perspective on this review, see:

http://sfhelp.org/11/choose_bks.htm


Rating:
Summary: Great advice for all families.
Review: If I had gotten ahold of this book a few years ago, it would have saved my marraige. All the things that went wrong are addressed in it. This book shows not only how to handle the day to day things that come up but also how to create an atmosphere that prevents a lot of the problems that families deal with.

Rating:
Summary: Great guidelines and tips for stepfamily rules.
Review: This is an excellant book. Jeanette Lofas, a therapist and stepmother of four stepdaughters presents the reasons and need for stepfamily guidelines. She also discusses how to apply and work on family rules in an interesting and straight forward manner. If you are having problems with household rules this book will definitely shed some light on the issue for you.