How to Get Your Baby to Sleep : America's Foremost Baby and Childcare Experts Answer the Most Frequently Asked Questions

Rating:
Summary: Only a mini-book
Review: Did you know that 85% of the world's families practice co-sleeping with their children? And that until quite recently, the family bed was used almost exclusively everywhere in the world? That's because there are great benefits for parents and babies who share a bed--read on!

I am a professor and developmental psychologist. I am also a mother. My husband and I very happily practice sleep sharing with our baby. What Dr. Sears says about bed sharing is in line with healthy development for babies and parents. Babies shouldn't want to be alone--that's a poor survival strategy for them; they should cry when left defenseless. They are supposed to need to bond with the people who ensure their very survival, and they communicate that need by crying. Likewise, parents want to bond with their kids; in fact, those relatively few children who cannot bond appropriately are diagnosed as autistic, and their parents are devastated by the lack of connection with their child.

So, it's actually a blessing that our infants need us so much. The problem arises when our society tells us that sleep sharing gets in the way of two primary cultural values: independence and convenience. For fear of encouraging dependence and inconveniencing parents, babies just hours old are expected to sleep on their own in America.

Here's the irony: YOUR CHILD WILL ACTUALLY DEVELOP GREATER INDEPENDENCE and YOU WILL HAVE AN EASIER, MORE CONVENIENT LIFE if you DO bedshare with your baby. Here's why.

First of all, research shows that kids who are strongly attached to their parents actually behave more independently as toddlers than kids who aren't as strongly attached. These attached children do more independent exploration and are happier with a variety of people, and when alone, than less securely-attached infants. From personal experience and from scientific background, the family bed is one route to secure attachment and to the value of independence--the independence comes later, though, not when the child is a baby. The family bed promotes a happy, safe, emotionally and physically healthy child with great self-esteem. This is a child who knows at a core, unshakable level that he or she is loved beyond measure.

Second--and here's the fun part for Mom and Dad--the family bed is much more convenient than a crib. Much! Mom need not be exhausted all day, because she hasn't gotten up at night; she simply helps the baby latch on when the baby begins to move a little (signaling feeding time), and then they can both go back to sleep. Dad doesn't even have to awaken at all. And the baby NEVER, EVER CRIES AT NIGHT. How wonderful! (We just took a mountain vacation, and the people in the room next to ours didn't even know a baby was in the cabin.)

Bedsharing is also safer than cribs; SIDS is significantly higher per capita among children in cribs, for instance. The family bed allows the parents to relax, because they can hear the baby breathing. Parents who bedshare know that if their child were to cry at night, it would be a sign of illness or pain, because bedsharing babies' other needs are addressed before they reach the crying stage. And travel is a breeze: no need to lug or rent or buy a portable crib, etc. The financial savings are also significant, as a crib, bumper pads, mattress, and other infant-sized bedding are all replaced by your existing bed and some waterproof crib pads.

What about sex? This is often a concern of bedsharing parents. Parents creatively solve this issue. First, there are other rooms in the house that couples may use for intimacy--perhaps by being intimate elsewhere after your baby is safely asleep, or by placing a large bed in what would have been the baby's room --which you can now use for yourselves, and as a place for guests. Again, the family bed is more convenient than a crib. Second, well-rested parents are more interested in sex than parents who got exhausted by running back and forth to a crib all night. Bed-sharing spouses have energy for each other!

(Of course, there are parents who use cribs but don't get up at night. Some parents do ignore their hungry child at night, or "let him cry it out." That practice is so unkind and utterly harmful to children's lifelong sense of trust. The practice is also short-sighted, since this is the child who will one day take care of the parents' needs--or refuse to do so. It is a mistake to assume that what babies learn from us in infancy is forgotten. Babies do forget the particulars, but the overall experience that the world is or is not trustworthy makes a lasting impression. I am presuming, though, that the readers here are genuinely responsive to and interested in meeting their baby's needs.)

Finally, bedsharing is just plain fun. Personally, there is no greater joy for me than awakening refreshed and ready to play with my baby, and seeing her smile adoringly at me the moment her eyes open. Then her daddy gives her the first diaper change of the day, talking and laughing with her all the time. And when she throws her little arms around me as she latches on and drifts off to sleep at night--that's an indescribable feeling.

The years that your child will need you so much are so brief. Before you know it, your baby will be in junior high school and embarrassed even to acknowledge your existence in public! Please enjoy all the years, but especially enjoy this special intimacy you have an opportunity for with the family bed. I know you'll be so happy you did.

Rating:
Summary: Sleep sharing is convenient and promotes independence
Review: Did you know that 85% of the world's families practice co-sleeping with their children? And that until quite recently, the family bed was used almost exclusively everywhere in the world? That's because there are great benefits for parents and babies who share a bed--read on!

I am a professor and developmental psychologist. I am also a mother. My husband and I very happily practice sleep sharing with our baby. What Dr. Sears says about bed sharing is in line with healthy development for babies and parents. Babies shouldn't want to be alone--that's a poor survival strategy for them; they should cry when left defenseless. They are supposed to need to bond with the people who ensure their very survival, and they communicate that need by crying. Likewise, parents want to bond with their kids; in fact, those relatively few children who cannot bond appropriately are diagnosed as autistic, and their parents are devastated by the lack of connection with their child.

So, it's actually a blessing that our infants need us so much. The problem arises when our society tells us that sleep sharing gets in the way of two primary cultural values: independence and convenience. For fear of encouraging dependence and inconveniencing parents, babies just hours old are expected to sleep on their own in America.

Here's the irony: YOUR CHILD WILL ACTUALLY DEVELOP GREATER INDEPENDENCE and YOU WILL HAVE AN EASIER, MORE CONVENIENT LIFE if you DO bedshare with your baby. Here's why.

First of all, research shows that kids who are strongly attached to their parents actually behave more independently as toddlers than kids who aren't as strongly attached. These attached children do more independent exploration and are happier with a variety of people, and when alone, than less securely-attached infants. From personal experience and from scientific background, the family bed is one route to secure attachment and to the value of independence--the independence comes later, though, not when the child is a baby. The family bed promotes a happy, safe, emotionally and physically healthy child with great self-esteem. This is a child who knows at a core, unshakable level that he or she is loved beyond measure.

Second--and here's the fun part for Mom and Dad--the family bed is much more convenient than a crib. Much! Mom need not be exhausted all day, because she hasn't gotten up at night; she simply helps the baby latch on when the baby begins to move a little (signaling feeding time), and then they can both go back to sleep. Dad doesn't even have to awaken at all. And the baby NEVER, EVER CRIES AT NIGHT. How wonderful! (We just took a mountain vacation, and the people in the room next to ours didn't even know a baby was in the cabin.)

Bedsharing is also safer than cribs; SIDS is significantly higher per capita among children in cribs, for instance. The family bed allows the parents to relax, because they can hear the baby breathing. Parents who bedshare know that if their child were to cry at night, it would be a sign of illness or pain, because bedsharing babies' other needs are addressed before they reach the crying stage. And travel is a breeze: no need to lug or rent or buy a portable crib, etc. The financial savings are also significant, as a crib, bumper pads, mattress, and other infant-sized bedding are all replaced by your existing bed and some waterproof crib pads.

What about sex? This is often a concern of bedsharing parents. Parents creatively solve this issue. First, there are other rooms in the house that couples may use for intimacy--perhaps by being intimate elsewhere after your baby is safely asleep, or by placing a large bed in what would have been the baby's room --which you can now use for yourselves, and as a place for guests. Again, the family bed is more convenient than a crib. Second, well-rested parents are more interested in sex than parents who got exhausted by running back and forth to a crib all night. Bed-sharing spouses have energy for each other!

(Of course, there are parents who use cribs but don't get up at night. Some parents do ignore their hungry child at night, or "let him cry it out." That practice is so unkind and utterly harmful to children's lifelong sense of trust. The practice is also short-sighted, since this is the child who will one day take care of the parents' needs--or refuse to do so. It is a mistake to assume that what babies learn from us in infancy is forgotten. Babies do forget the particulars, but the overall experience that the world is or is not trustworthy makes a lasting impression. I am presuming, though, that the readers here are genuinely responsive to and interested in meeting their baby's needs.)

Finally, bedsharing is just plain fun. Personally, there is no greater joy for me than awakening refreshed and ready to play with my baby, and seeing her smile adoringly at me the moment her eyes open. Then her daddy gives her the first diaper change of the day, talking and laughing with her all the time. And when she throws her little arms around me as she latches on and drifts off to sleep at night--that's an indescribable feeling.

The years that your child will need you so much are so brief. Before you know it, your baby will be in junior high school and embarrassed even to acknowledge your existence in public! Please enjoy all the years, but especially enjoy this special intimacy you have an opportunity for with the family bed. I know you'll be so happy you did.

Rating:
Summary: Dr. Sears is impractical (...)
Review: Dr. Sears style of attachment parenting sounded pretty attractive before my child was born, but the reality of applying his theories has proven to be less than perfect. I resent the notion that a baby should be "attached" to mom at all hours of the day and night as a means of ensuring that the child does not feel abandoned. The truth of the matter is that moms need sleep too in order to be the best possible parent. In addition, babies need to learn how to fall asleep and return to sleep without the [mother] in order to get a head start on long-term sleeping skills. Our society, and our families, demand this (...)

Rating:
Summary: Only a mini-book
Review: I am a huge fan of Dr Sears and practice attachment parenting and so purchsed this to help with our sleep issues. Sadly, this is a very tiny book that contains the Q & As from his website and other books. Nothing new and no answers. We ALREADY co-sleep, we ALREADY use a sling. We ALREADY respond to our baby's every cry. BUT we are STILL getting up with her every 2 hours and she's a year old. We NEED some sleep. I found a different book that Dr Sears wrote the introduction to called The No-Cry Sleep Solution and it actually has the answers. At 250 pages it has got tons of practical ideas that really are helping my baby to sleep better. I knew Dr Sears would lead me to the answers, but he didn't do it with this mini-book.

Rating:
Summary: This books goes against everything I know
Review: I'm a new mom and I wanted to start out on the right foot with my son's sleeping habits. After flipping through the pages of this book all it talks about is 'sleep sharing'. Well, I don't want to 'teach' my child to sleep with us, I wanted to help my child sleep in his own bed. This book was very big on bed sharing. The book stated that you needed to be a good parent and practice parenting even during the night. The book was full of questions that parents had asked about getting their toddler to sleep in their own bed, well after Dr. Sears told the parent to let the child sleep in the parents bed when they were an infant, Dr. Sears told the parents to put a bed or futon in the parents room and develop a 'special sleeping area'. I've never heard anything so crazy in my life. I don't support anything this book had to say. I strongly feel that you need to develop sleeping habits when the child is in his/her own room in their own bed or crib.

Rating:
Summary: Give it up
Review: Quit reading these damn books now! We have a seven month old and have tried everything short of the barbaric cry it out method... and we have observed several friends and neighbors try that... What we have seen in every case including our own is that each baby has unique patterns of sleep and each method affects each baby uniquely and more importantly the results, good or bad are always temporary... eventually they will all get back to sleeping the way they were going to before you started trying to sleep train them. Some babies come home from the hospital and sleep through the night... some will suddenly start doing so at six months fourteen days and twenty one hours... I am convinced there is very little you can do to influence your baby' sleep patterns other than facilitate "a sleepy environment" in response to your baby's pattern. This book does a better job than most at giving you techniqus for doing so. People will probably review this book and say it "doesn't work my baby still won't sleep!".... well he's not going to till he's ready live with it. Others will say this book is way off...they let their baby cry it out and it worked... bull caca... baby's sleep the way they want when they want... the fact that after three months ignoring your baby's panicked cries for help he started to sleep through the nightis just as likely coincidence as it is proof that you've "taught your baby to sleep"!

Rating:
Summary: You don't sleep alone, why should your baby?
Review: The other reviewer stated that this is a terrible book. In all of her vast experience as a new parent she knows that "sleep sharing" is bad. Well I have almost 16 years experience raising and sharing sleep with 5 children and I am here to say that sleep sharing is VERY good and anything Dr. Sears writes is wonderful. Why do so many adults insist that vulnerable young babies sleep alone when they are not willing to do the same? I wonder how the reviewer would feel if her husband told her that he was going to "train" her to sleep alone. That would be considered incredibly cold, selfish, and uncaring of him. I respectfully submit that any adult that "trains" a baby in that manner is all of those things. Babies are not meant to sleep alone. You carried them inside you for nine months so you should keep them close for at least that long once they're born. They NEED their mommies and daddies to be there in the night to show them that you love them and will always protect them and meet their needs. Sleep-sharing does not create clingy, selfish, brats. It creates loving, caring, generous, independent, wonderful children. My first two babies slept in a crib most of the time at first (because we thought they were "supposed" to) and it was horrible: every night waking up to a screaming, hungry baby and every morning to a tired mommy. Eventually, as they got older, they spent more time in bed with us and we discovered it was wonderful to share that special closeness with them. I worked when my first was little and co-sleeping helped us stay close. My last three babies have never slept in a crib (we don't own one now) and no babies that I have in the future ever will. Co-sleeping is SO wonderful. The baby NEVER, EVER cries at night bacause mommy is right there to nurse them the instant they make a sound. Mom NEVER, EVER has a sleepless night because she doesn't have to fully wake up to feed the baby. Once you get the baby latched on you can go back to sleep. It is so much safer to have baby with you and it builds such an incredible bond. As a bonus it helps to stave off your periods and ovulation for months and months---God's built-in baby spacing mechanism. (And the fewer periods you have the healthier you are.) And there is nothing more wonderful than waking up next to a HAPPY, sweet baby every morning. My babies sleep with us until they are two or three (Around the time I have another one!) Then they move into their own bed or a sibling's bed, whichever they want. Some want to be alone and some want more cuddling for a while. My oldest boy, now 8, moved into his own bed, though once in a while he wants to sleep with us, which is ok--I just move him out when I go to bed. My 3 year old sleeps with his 15 or 12 year old sisters every night. They read him stories, scratch his back, and whisper in the dark. It is such a wonderful experience and they are so close. The girls LOVE having him with them (They actually fight over who gets him!) and he just loves them so much. How many teenagers do you know who adore their little brother that much and actually WANT him around? It's the precious time spent together that builds bonds, whether between siblings or child and parent. Sleep sharing helps strengthen those bonds, especially in this busy and hectic age. Doctor Sears Is an expert on this issue, both as a doctor and a parent of eight children. He knows his stuff. His "Baby Book" is the best baby book ever written and this book is an in-depth look at why sleep sharing is so great and why you don't have to (and shouldn't) torture your child (a la Ferber or Babywise, etc) to get a good night's sleep. There IS a better way. It's called "The Family Bed". Try it, you might LOVE it.