The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family

Rating:
Summary: upbeat introduction to stepfamilies - and misses key points
Review: I have specialized in providing professional education and therapy to divorced, courting, and re/wedded couples since 1981. I am (a) 66, (b) a stepgrandson, stepson, and ex-stepfather and stepbrother, (c) an invited Board member of the Stepfamily Association of America, (d) a contributing editor to 'Your Stepfamily Online,' and (e) the author of six personal-growth and family-relations books.

I recommend this book to readers who want (a) a well-researched, readable introduction to stepfamily life with a Christian context, and (b) perceptive advice on how Christian churches can help stepfamilies. I do not recommend this book to anyone who seeks the core reasons most US stepfamilies are significantly stressful, and why millions redivorce or endure daily agony. The lack of an index reduces the utility of this book as a reference.

Like most lay and clinical stepfamily authors, Ron Deal omits explanation and advice on these widespread major stepfamily stressors:

1) why and how to assess and reduce co-parents' psychological wounds from childhood (vs. divorce). Most divorced and stepfamily adults appear to be significantly wounded - and don't (want to) know it;

2) the origin and impacts of blocked grief in adults and kids, and how to spot and reduce it. The author does acknowledge that all stepfamilies follow (and cause) a series of profound losses (broken bonds) - but doesn't follow through;

3) co-parent unawareness of - and indiference to - five key topics: (a) normal personality formation, composition, and function; (b) keys to high-nurturance families and relationships, (c) effective communication skills, (d) healthy 3-level grief, and (e) stepfamily realities, norms, implications, and hazards. And...

4) the implications of little effective re/marital and co-parenting help (i.e. courtship coaching, classes, informed counseling, co-parent support groups) available in most communities and the media.

In my clinical experience, these factors will often promote needy, love-dazed, courting co-parents to commit to the wrong people (mate, stepkids, and "other parent/s"), for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. Then these four factors inhibit co-parents from identifying and resolving these core personal, role, and relationship problems:

http://sfhelp.org/10/problems.htm

For more perspective on this review, see:

http://sfhelp.org/11/choose_bks.htm

Rating:
Summary: Can't say enough good things...
Review: If you want to feel empowered, inspired, comforted and renewed about your steplife, read this book. In his straightforward and calming manner, author Ron Deal brings hope and healing into a stepparent's life in this easy-to-follow volume based on Christian principles. For the stepparent-to-be, the new stepparent or the veteran, this book is a lighthouse in a stormy world, reassuring us that we can find our way.

Right from the introduction, the overwhelmed reader breathes a sigh of relief and enjoys the reminder that there are, indeed, healthy stepfamilies out there, and having one is a real possibility. Deal gives us a deeply comforting and proactive approach to our steplives, zeroing in on the practical steps we can take right now. We're all willing to work hard for our families, but if we don't work on the right things, it won't matter. Work smarter, Deal says. That involves two things very much within our control: understanding stepfamily life and making intentional decisions about living that life.

Deal points out some "key stepping-stones" that we'll need every day. These attitudes and perspectives will enable us to overcome obstacles and take advantage of the opportunities around us. They include Spiritual Integrity, Listening and Understanding, Perseverance, Commitment, Patience, Flexibility and Humor. It sounds basic, but Deal shows us how to master these skills so that we can have a more healthy and peaceful life all around.

With strikingly appropriate Biblical parallels, Deal likens the steplife we all want to the Promised Land the Israelites found after years of wandering. May of us stepparents wander for years, too, often wanting to give up. Deal's reminder that God won't abandon us either is just the beginning of the comfort and inspiration this book offers.

Deal lays out the seven steps in the journey to the "Stepfamily Promised Land." Each one is clearly explained, and their presentation contributes to the book's message of encouragement and possibilities. Deal includes studies of a stepparent's expectations, how important the marriage is in the success of the family, parenting with former spouses and much more. You'll see yourself time and again in his words, and more importantly, you'll see how you can make positive contributions to your family, starting today.

The author includes stories of stepfamilies in trouble and stories of those who have made it to the Promised Land. Understanding that the journey is tough for others, too, gives the reader a sense of belonging, along with the impetus to step through the tough times because something good awaits.

Each chapter of the book includes questions and discussion topics to help couples understand each other's perspective and to guide them in making responsible and healthy decisions. Now that's working smarter.

Rating:
Summary: TheStepfamilyLife - Review of The Smart Step-Family
Review: One of the wedding gifts that I've enjoyed tremendously is a crockpot from my cousin with an accompanying cookbook. Being clueless about meat preparation and marrying into a family of carnivores, it didn't take me long to christen the crockpot my favorite kitchen appliance. I can just throw a few things in there to make a nice dinner and it even makes the house smell wonderful. I've enjoyed reading a book this month that uses a metaphor about slow cookers to teach readers how to "cook" their stepfamily. It's a helpful visualization to understand how it takes both time and patience.

The book I'm talking about is "The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Stepfamily by Ron L. Deal and published by Bethany House Publishers in 2002. Written from a Christian perspective, this book is built around seven themes. It encourages stepfamilies to discover a redemptive God who loves, forgives and is with them on their journey into stepfamily-hood. Adjusting your expectations is the key focus of the chapter with the slow cooker metaphor, helping readers understand that creating a stepfamily takes time and low heat.

Placing your marriage as a top-priority, is a key tenet with Deal, and he advises stepfamilies to understand that parents and stepparents have different roles to live out and not to force people into old nuclear family roles who are not comfortable in them. The section on common pitfalls has advice on loss and grief, the already looming holidays, family meetings and finances. A chapter with questions posed by real stepfamilies features advice from a variety of family counselors.

Discussion questions at the end of each chapter are segmented for already-married couples and premarital counseling. The section at the back of the book on stepfamily ministry for churches is an excellent start at helping churches be more sensitive to stepfamily needs and is long overdue (as a side note-our church was so confused about our relationships to each other that they still mail two sets of newsletters to our house). An excellent reference section and a sample form you can use to authorize medical treatment of your stepchildren round out the book.

Deal has a great website loaded with advice and articles (plus several products) at www.successfulstepfamilies.com that will help anyone trying to make a go of a stepfamily.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he even reads his email and writes back to his readers. I wrote to thank him for writing such a great book and posed a tricky question I've been wrestling with in my own family situation. His response was both speedy and thoughtful, so I encourage you to check out his articles and his book.

Rating:
Summary: Best Christian resource for step families
Review: The BottomLine is that this is the best book for step families that speaks from the Christian perspective. Integrating families is the biggest challenge of any family type and this book gently inspires and motivates as it answers numerous questions. Personally, as a member of an integrated family, I LOVE this book and it's message. As a professional Marriage and Family Therapist working with dozens of clients, this book is the best resource for the ever changing, challenging blended family. I recommend it for ALL of my step parent clients and for every one in all of the support groups I do that involve integrating families. GREAT for newly divorced individuals - supportive but also tells you straightforward what you'll be getting yourself into if you remarry with kids in the home!

Rating:
Summary: A very practical resource
Review: The Smart Step-Family: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family provides a much-needed Christian perspective to the process of building a healthy step-family. Ron has done some serious research and has called upon his therapist background to provide step-parents with some very practical suggestions to make the complex relationships work.

Too often, churches are unable to provide counseling and guidance for step-families and, in fact, they sometimes consider them as second-class. Ron helps to give a Biblical framework for acceptance.

I recommend the book highly and I recommend that churches consider hosting one of Ron's seminars. Having attended one, I can say they are extremely helpful.

Rating:
Summary: Don't remarry without this!
Review: Three months before my remarriage into a step-family, a friend suggested I read this. I grew up in a step family and figured I could manage just fine. It's a good thing I read the book. My whole perspective and expectations of being a step father have completely changed. Quite honestly, I have had to toss out all my inaccurate expectations and start over. The marriage is coming soon and I now know what to and not to expect. What a tragedy it would have been hurt my future wife and kids with my ignorance. The author is straight forward and deadly accurate. It is from a Christian perspective, and that's exactly what I was looking for.

Rating:
Summary: Don't remarry without this!
Review: Three months before my remarriage into a step-family, a friend suggested I read this. I grew up in a step family and figured I could manage just fine. It's a good thing I read the book. My whole perspective and expectations of being a step father have completely changed. Quite honestly, I have had to toss out all my inaccurate expectations and start over. The marriage is coming soon and I now know what to and not to expect. What a tragedy it would have been hurt my future wife and kids with my ignorance. The author is straight forward and deadly accurate. It is from a Christian perspective, and that's exactly what I was looking for.

Rating:
Summary: A very practical resource
Review: While this book contains a lot of helpful information that most all stepfamilies can use, it is written from a totally Christian perspective and speaks of God and Jesus on most all of the pages. Most of the ads I've seen for this book, in addition to the book's dustjacket itself, do not tell potential buyers about the Christian slant. If you're not a Christian, don't buy this book as you'll most likely be turned off by statements such as "We should continually seek to live as Christ lived and take on his attitude of sacrifice. The qualities of Jesus form stepping-stones..." If you are a Christian, then you will certainly like this book.

Rating:
Summary: Misleading jacket cover and advertisements
Review: While this book contains a lot of helpful information that most all stepfamilies can use, it is written from a totally Christian perspective and speaks of God and Jesus on most all of the pages. Most of the ads I've seen for this book, in addition to the book's dustjacket itself, do not tell potential buyers about the Christian slant. If you're not a Christian, don't buy this book as you'll most likely be turned off by statements such as "We should continually seek to live as Christ lived and take on his attitude of sacrifice. The qualities of Jesus form stepping-stones..." If you are a Christian, then you will certainly like this book.