Rating: 
Summary: Fabulous new insights to relationships of all kinds
Review: Chapter 1 of Tannen's latest book provides some fabulous new insights to relationships of all kinds. Her discussions of the connection-control schema and meta-messages concept allow the reader to gain new perspectives on those sometimes frustrating interactions with loved ones (or coworkers, or strangers...). The rest of the book is really just "gravy" on top of the information in Chapter 1. Wow, I loved this book-- a definite recommendation to anyone interested in better understanding relationship communication (I see my mother's "advice," formerly a source of frustration/anger, in a whole new light!).
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Summary: Insightful reference on the levels of how we communicate
Review: Exceptional reference for the verbal and the non verbal communicator. Best analogy "Do you hear what I mean?" As a wife of a non verbal communicator and a mother of three one who masters the english language and has strong communication skills to the youngest who struggle with basic communication, I have personally found this title to be instrumental in navigating through our own family and our verbal form of expression. When exposed to those that struggle with the command of the english language I have had to learn new ways to communicate. This tile is completely on target and goes to posture, stance, tone and so much more. How our presentation can make a positive or negative impact on the receiver. Often our intent of caring is misunderstood due to our presentation and/or the preconceived disposition of our intended audience. After reading I was able to grasp the fact that sometimes no matter what was said it was improperly "processed." Truly it is the processing that counts most. Understanding that not everyone processes the same information in the same fashion can be eye opening and yet become an obvious reality. The author drives home that we need to educate and understand and to be educated and understanding with our communication skills.
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Summary: cOMMUNICATION - THE KEY TO POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Review: From my studies in psychology and in my role as a counsellor, numerous people tell me, "My wife/husband/partner does not understand me," or "My children will not listen." More often than not, it is the wrong interpretation of your verbal and non-verbal message that is the root of the problem and not the ability to understand or listen. It is not always what you say that is causing the problem but often it is a matter of how you say it. What does your facial expression and body language imply as the words are spoken? Are you expressing yourself in a respectful manner? Before you respond, do you choose your words carefully? Have you taken the time not only to listen but to actually hear and try to understand the feelings of the speaker from their point of view? Everyone has an opinion. You do not necessarily have to agree with it, but you should respect their feelings even if you do not share their point of view. In this book, Deborah Tanner, reveals part of the communication problem and ways to improve your skills. From a psychological point of you, our needs change through the ageing process. As children, we are raised in a submissive nature; our parent(s) pass on many of their strengths and weaknesses, much of which is adopted from THEIR parent(s). We, as adults, take what we have learned from our upbringing and often hear ourselves, through our dominant parental role, repeating what our parents have said to us, even though as children we said to ourselves, "When I grow up, I am never going to say that to my children!" Some negative behaviours teach us valuable lessons and, if we are wise, we learn from hurt and rejection not to pass those negative inherited traits on to our children. However, not all negative behaviours escape us, just as not all positive attitudes and responses escape us. Children often become what they learn, and we all learn criticism very early in life from family, schoolmates, teachers and even friends. How we communicate with our children and spouses/partners, and how we communicate in our social and business life, is generally a result of the conditioned communication skills we have learned in early years. We are products of our childhood; what is experienced in the first six years of our life has a tremendous impact on the person we will become as an adult. Of all the books written on communication skills, "I Only Say This Because I Love You" is one of the most highly recommended. You will be amazed at what you can learn, what you can share, and the positive improvement that knowledge can make to your personal relationships.
Rating:
Summary: cOMMUNICATION - THE KEY TO POSITIVE RELATIONSHIPS
Review: From my studies in psychology and in my role as a counsellor, numerous people tell me, "My wife/husband/partner does not understand me," or "My children will not listen." More often than not, it is the wrong interpretation of your verbal and non-verbal message that is the root of the problem and not the ability to understand or listen. It is not always what you say that is causing the problem but often it is a matter of how you say it. What does your facial expression and body language imply as the words are spoken? Are you expressing yourself in a respectful manner? Before you respond, do you choose your words carefully? Have you taken the time not only to listen but to actually hear and try to understand the feelings of the speaker from their point of view? Everyone has an opinion. You do not necessarily have to agree with it, but you should respect their feelings even if you do not share their point of view. In this book, Deborah Tanner, reveals part of the communication problem and ways to improve your skills. From a psychological point of you, our needs change through the ageing process. As children, we are raised in a submissive nature; our parent(s) pass on many of their strengths and weaknesses, much of which is adopted from THEIR parent(s). We, as adults, take what we have learned from our upbringing and often hear ourselves, through our dominant parental role, repeating what our parents have said to us, even though as children we said to ourselves, "When I grow up, I am never going to say that to my children!" Some negative behaviours teach us valuable lessons and, if we are wise, we learn from hurt and rejection not to pass those negative inherited traits on to our children. However, not all negative behaviours escape us, just as not all positive attitudes and responses escape us. Children often become what they learn, and we all learn criticism very early in life from family, schoolmates, teachers and even friends. How we communicate with our children and spouses/partners, and how we communicate in our social and business life, is generally a result of the conditioned communication skills we have learned in early years. We are products of our childhood; what is experienced in the first six years of our life has a tremendous impact on the person we will become as an adult. Of all the books written on communication skills, "I Only Say This Because I Love You" is one of the most highly recommended. You will be amazed at what you can learn, what you can share, and the positive improvement that knowledge can make to your personal relationships.
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Summary: why can't you communicate with so-and-so? find out!
Review: I considered myself a good communicator. Then I read this book. It brought things to my attention that I was unaware of, about how I communicate with those closest to me. I was confronted with my own mistakes, in a way that I could not deny, and it motivated me to work on those areas right away! I also saw everybody else I know in this book--because it is about the mistakes we all make. It encompasses all of the different family relationships there are, goals of communication, why certain communication styles don't work, and suggestions for making it easier. The best chapter of all was called "I'm sorry, I'm not apologizing." It talked about why women apologize more than men, why apologizing is harder for men, power issues involved with apologizing, issues around accepting responsibility, and most importantly, the key components of a good apology. I will definitely have a better marriage as a result of reading this book, and I will be recommending it to everyone I know. It was interesting reading, and for me, hard to put down. It is an accessable and very knowledgable reference.
Rating:
Summary: why can't you communicate with so-and-so? find out!
Review: I considered myself a good communicator. Then I read this book. It brought things to my attention that I was unaware of, about how I communicate with those closest to me. I was confronted with my own mistakes, in a way that I could not deny, and it motivated me to work on those areas right away! I also saw everybody else I know in this book--because it is about the mistakes we all make. It encompasses all of the different family relationships there are, goals of communication, why certain communication styles don't work, and suggestions for making it easier. The best chapter of all was called "I'm sorry, I'm not apologizing." It talked about why women apologize more than men, why apologizing is harder for men, power issues involved with apologizing, issues around accepting responsibility, and most importantly, the key components of a good apology. I will definitely have a better marriage as a result of reading this book, and I will be recommending it to everyone I know. It was interesting reading, and for me, hard to put down. It is an accessable and very knowledgable reference.
Rating: 
Summary: Solid Information, but haven't we heard it before?
Review: I loved Tannen's _You Just Don't Understand_ because of the fresh insights it provided, so I was especially disappointed when _I Only Say This Because I Love You_ failed to provide the same feeling of discovery and excitement. The book focuses on the frequent difference between the actual words that are spoken, and the meaning behind the words (meta-message), which is often about trying to create more connectedness or to alter the power and control dynamics of the relationship. I found it interesting, but not revolutionary (and I'd come to expect revolutionary from Dr. Tannen). By understanding the meta-messages both from ourselves and from others, we should have more power to address the meta-messages directly and not get involved in petty bickering and emotional responses that go nowhere except round-and-round. Overall, I would say that the book contains useful insights and helpful advice, but for people who have already spent time analyzing their intimate relationships, there's probably not much new.
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Summary: If A "Pre-Marriage" Class existed, this would be required!
Review: I wish everyone had a chance to read this book before getting married or involved in a relationship of any kind with another person. It is the one book that really provides useful and thought-provoking information on how to talk to the people we love, instead of the often harmful ways we do talk to them. Tannen shows that it is posisble to change destructive communication into constructive, even helpful, communication. Well worth every penny you spend on this one!
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Summary: More of the same
Review: If you've read any of Ms. Tannen's other books, and especially if you've read several, there will be very little here that is new for you. The material that is specific to the subject matter -- communication within families -- is probably not new to you either. The fact that children want to be independent and that parents want to care for them is not a piece of breakthrough information! On the other hand, if you have not read any of her previous publications, you will get a quick insight into such concepts as the communication style conflicts between men and women, and between certain ethnic and cultural groups.
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Summary: Improving the Ways You Listen and Speak in Your Family!
Review: This book deserves more than five stars for its original, powerful ideas and suggestions for how to have closer, happier relationships in your family. This book is Relationship Rescue for the family! "Why does talk in the family so frequently go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots?" "When we talk to family members, we search for signs of love but become attuned to signs of disapproval." Our reaction is to "the meaning of the words spoken -- the message -- but also to what we think those words say about the relationship -- the metamessage." So each message needs to be analyzed for message and metamessage in terms of both connection (on a continuum from closeness to distance) and control (on a continium from superior-inferior to equality). In this outstanding book, conversational analyst Deborah Tannen captures the verbal and mental essences of how to improve our family relationships. The book deals with those situations where the message is either positive or negative, and the overall impression (metamessage) is critical. These range from being praised for some menial accomplishment (with the implication that you are a loyal slave with little talent) to "I care, therefore I criticize" (usually from Mom) to sarcasm (usually from a spouse or teenager, suggesting you must be an idiot). The book looks at relationships with spouses, parents and children (from both directions), siblings, in-laws, and extends the consideration to the full dimensions of one's lifetime. Perceptions change as we age, and adjustments are needed. A parent starts out as dominant, then the child wants equality (and no criticism), and eventually the child often becomes like a parent to parent who is in mental and physical decline. The book addresses how to improve both your speech and your listening. On the listening side, you are encouraged to focus on the metamessage and to find the most positive one. Where you could hear criticism, focus on the fact that the other person is expressing caring. Then address the unfortunate metamessage. Say something like, "Why are you criticizing my driving?" There is usually another motive at work. Get it out in the open. The ventilation will improve the relationship. Usually, the motives have almost nothing to do with the literal message. On the speaking side, you are encouraged to avoid sarcasm, getting the other person to think exactly like you do (especially if they are a different sex and much older or younger), and sending derogatory metamessages (the worst is "you are incompetent"). All of the text is drawn from recorded conversations, many from television series of families that you may have seen. I think this book will be most beneficial if it is shared with the other members of your family. In discussing it, you can agree on some better rules for conversational behavior. After you have finished enjoying this set of methods for avoiding and mitigating those painful moments, I suggest that you think about where you do the same things at work and with friends. Then, change your speaking and listening there as well! Make your caring the most important message you send!
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