Rating: 
Summary: reassuring, helpful, thought-provoking
Review: "It never works to expect our child to act like the grown-up first" (page 9).Contains some "A-ha!" moments for parents who lose their cool with their kids. Bonnie Harris knows what you?re going through. You will recognize yourself here. Here's the gist: By looking through your child's annoying behaviors to their underlying agendas and being aware of your own emotional hang-ups, you can avoid that ineffective state Harris calls "the road rage of parenting." That's an extreme example of button-pushing, which is when your response is automatic, not well thought out, and usually regrettable.
The book contains a wealth of suggestions for defusing your buttons (which could help you not just with your kids, but with everyone else in your life). There?s the Approval Button, the Fix-It Button, the Resentment Button?. Once you understand your baggage, you can stop taking your child?s antics personally. You still hold her accountable and set limits, but you also own up to your own emotional responses. Do not make your child responsible for YOUR feelings. (Even if this was done to you by your parents.) Kids don't articulate their agendas, but they have them just like we do. You see a child playing with trains. What you don't realize is that the child is directing traffic and the toy milkman has to get the pretend milk delivered before lunchtime! So give him a couple minutes' warning before you make him leave the toys. Stop and think what your child is really up to in his own mind, rather than just what you see on the surface and what it does to YOU. Cut some slack when you can. When you can't, be nice about it. It's about "finding a place in the middle, a balance where both you and your child are respected and understood." (p. 226) The book is not short and has lots of examples, only some of which will really resonate with you ? but it's worth a read to find those and for the general ideas. Including, "You are not perfect, nor should you be." It's written clearly and organized well. (My only gripe is that the parents quoted in the workshops say things like "Oh! I think I'm beginning to see!" which I've never heard anyone really say. Don?t let that put you off.) I have had been a calmer, cooler, more collected parent since reading it. Book also contains worksheets and some really cool cartoons by Marty Kelly...
Rating:
Summary: Interesting take
Review: An interesting book about how to stay calm when you are at your wits end with your child. Say good bye to the days of talking through clenched teeth.
Rating:
Summary: When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About
Review: As a pediatrician I am frequently asked questions about child rearing
techniques. I found Harris' book to be a valuable resource. In a highly
readable format, she presents vignettes that illustrate the frustrations
that all parents face, and an approach that can help resolve these issues.
I ordered a copy of this book for our pediatric residents' conference room
library, and note that the book is rarely on the shelf. I recommend this
book for all parents, including pediatricians!!
Rating:
Summary: When Your Kids Push Your Buttons: And What You Can Do About
Review: As a pediatrician I am frequently asked questions about child rearing
techniques. I found Harris' book to be a valuable resource. In a highly
readable format, she presents vignettes that illustrate the frustrations
that all parents face, and an approach that can help resolve these issues.
I ordered a copy of this book for our pediatric residents' conference room
library, and note that the book is rarely on the shelf. I recommend this
book for all parents, including pediatricians!!
Rating:
Summary: When Your Kids Push Your Buttons
Review: Becoming a mother had been my dream come true. So when my expectations of what this would be like were not met I became very frustrated and felt that I had failed as a mother and what was I thinking I am no good at this. I felt very alone in this plight of mine and looked at my children as problems that had to be solved. Mind you I had all good intentions and of course love my kids with all my heart which is why I knew I had to fix everything and make them into model citizens for there sake, or so I thought. What I learned from Bonnie's book, "When your kids Push Your Buttons" that was life changing for me was that it is not my job to fix everything or to solve everything for my kids. To me this was a revelation. Growing up I lived in a home where my mother was frequently in and out of hospitals sometimes for extended periods of time and my only sibling who was mentally and physically disabled required alot of attention. So my "job" was not to make waves and to smooth things over, trying to make everything all better, quite a monumental feat for a young girl. I just knew that my parents had enough to deal with so I better just be as good as I can. This fixing and solving things followed me into adult life and into motherhood, because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. So when I learned I didn't need to do that anymore and that it actually is better not to because they need to work things out to learn, a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I felt freed. My children are very capable of learning through experience how to do problem solving for themselves, sometimes with a little guidance from mom. I was constantly trying to make my three children happy all at once and this just is not possible, hence all the frustration I was feeling. This book is a must read for parents, it could change your life.
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Summary: I loved this book!
Review: Finally, a parenting expert that speaks to parents like a best friend, confiding in us about her own feelings towards her children, encouraging us to share our deepest despair and anger towards our children, and offering therapeutic solutions that brings parents and children back into connection with one another. Bonnie normalizes the often-times unspoken feelings of anger and rage that parents experience towards their children and teaches how these trigger points can be turned into growth spurts for parents and children alike. The book is peppered with cognitive worksheets designed to flush out internal conflicts and to provide ways to change parenting standards, attitudes and behaviors. Her approach enlightens parents to see the subtleties of normative abuse and to lift the veil of unconscious parenting. Bonnie's philosophy, consistent with Attachment Parenting perspectives, encourages parents to respond empathically as well as to understand the emotional underpinnings of trigger points. Her most fundamental principle in parenting is that of the importance of connection and reducing empathic ruptures. Similar to Harville Hendricks, Bonnie writes with the view that parents can make changes in their own behavior and thinking that can dramatically reduce the tensions in most parenting situations. I especially like her encouragement of parents to do their own work towards resolving conflicts with their children. For parents who adhere to attachment parenting principles, who see their children as their teachers, and who view themselves as guides and not gods, this is the book for you.
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Summary: "Why would a 61 year od read and enjoy this book"
Review: I am now past the halfway mark on the book and am thoroughly enjoying it. Bonnie has such great insights and a way of making the "light bulbs" go off so clearly. I ask myself and I am sure others ask "Why would a 61 year od read and enjoy this book"? Well, for me the answers are many: I am a lifetime learner, I am still a parent and a grandparent eight times. I find the stories and insights into why we act and react the way we do very helpful in adult relationships as well and in better understanding all people. I hope that my children will take the time to read it also and I am looking for ways to gently encourage them to do so. Reading this book has given me more conviction that parent education would do much to solve many of our social and family problems. We all should renew efforts to find and motivate more and more people to get to parenting classes and read this book and others like it to help them be better parents. Thanks Bonnie Harris!
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Summary: Great for any type of relationship, not just parents
Review: I saw the author speak at a lecture and I bought her book that day to check it out. I have to say this is definately the best book I've seen, not just for parent-child issues but for any situation where your "buttons" get pushed (or when other people's buttons get pushed). This book is easy to read and has a multitude of examples to review. It opens my eyes to why I may react the way I do and it has also helped me see that I am not responsible for other people's feelings (their button reactions). Highly, highly recommended for anyone.
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Summary: Just what we needed to defuse our family
Review: My husband and I were at our wits end--stressed out from life, with our toddler bouncing off the walls and throwing tantrums every time we turned around. The worst part was our reaction: we yelled back, then felt guilty afterward, but afraid to apologize or to change our behavior for fear of seeming inconsistent. This book gave us the tools and the insight to understand what we were going through. It's one of the only parenting books I've read that didn't assume you had to do everything right from day one--or that you have a problem child. Instead, it focusses on your behavior and attitudes, and how to change them. I saw myself in so many of the stories, and finally felt able to take control of my anger. Now, our happy, loving daughter is back--because we were empowered to make the change.
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Summary: Parent support from a different perspective
Review: This book fills a void in parenting support books. Most books I have read (many wonderful books) focus on the child/behavior and what to do about it. Tools and interventions generally directed at supporting the parent in managing the child behavoirs. But what about the times when we feel unable to follow through on the advice books? Sometimes no matter how good our resolution when we awaken in the moring, to do things better, differently, we find ourselves in the same powerstruggles, cycle of parenting we wish we could do differently. Or we feel so angry or frustrated we can't follow through on the good ideas we have learned. This book is for parents. This book recognizes that we all deal with our own baggage, issues, ,habits, pains that we bring to our relationship with our children. It complicates the interactions, confuses the issues and makes parenting the way we want to that much harder. One of my favorite phrases in the book is early in the beginning. It has become my mantra. (paraphrased) ' It never works to expect the child to be the adult first!' Anytime I find myself digging my heels in with my 6.5 year old, and him doing the same, I remember this phrase and it knocks me back out of my reactive brain and into my thinking brain. It is just enough support to remember it is up to me to change the tone and move us forward to solution. I have read many parenting books, (and loved many including the Mary Kurcinka books and the Jane Nelson books). This is a permanent addition to my bookshelf. This book is well worth the time to read, I highly recommend it!!!
A mom of two spirited, young boys in Seattle
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