Divorcing a Parent : Free Yourself from the Past and Live the Life You've Always Wanted

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Summary: Help for the hardest decision you may ever have to make.
Review: "Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure that such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned"....Titus 3:10-11.
I have recommended this book several times in the course of my ministry work with adult children of abusive or controlling birth-families. The decision to divorce a parent is never easy and is never made hastily. It is usually a matter of mental, emotional, and often physical survival after the adult child has spent many years trying every other alternative to make the relationship work.
Painful though it is, there are birth-family relationships that are so destructive that the only thing you can do is get out. Only then can you begin your healing and recovery and eventually lead a peaceful and joyful life.
This book presents practical and sympathetic advice from someone who has been down that road- the author herself, who besides being a therapist, found it necessary to divorce her own abusive mother.
Besides its content, this book is interesting in a very unique way. After the author divorced her mother, she wrote this book. Her mother bought it and read it, apologized to the author and made an effort to change her destructive behavior, and they have now reconciled. The author then wrote a follow-up book called The Power of Apology.
Beverly Engel is a psychotherapist and recognized expert in the fields of relationships, women's issues, and abuse. She is the author of 14 books, and has been on Oprah, Ricki Lake, Sally Jesse Raphael, and other national talk shows. She found it necessary to divorce her mother, not because of past childhood abuse, but because of the CONTINUAL ABUSE SHE SUFFERED AS AN ADULT. No one should have to endure an abusive, unhealthy relationship that threatens her well-being, even if that relationship is with a parent.
Divorcing A Parent explains the right and wrong reasons for divorce. Some of the right reasons are: to break the cycle of abuse, when it's either you or them, when your parent is hypercritical, controlling, or manipulative, and when your parent continues to abuse you or continues to deny the truth.
We are taught how to confront our parent and what to expect, including our parent divorcing us when we stand up for ourselves. We learn that abusive people don't mellow with age, they usually just get worse.
The book teaches you how to prepare for the divorce, how to separate emotionally, and takes you through the process of letting go, mourning the loss of your parent, and completing the grieving process. We learn how to deal with pressure and criticism from our siblings and other relatives who want us to continue accepting the abuse.
There are also suggestions to the divorced parent, to mates, friends, and loved ones, and to therapists.
I believe that Divorcing A Parent is a must-read for adult children who need to free themselves from an abusive relationship with a parent.
"They have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but they have not gained the victory over me. Plowmen have plowed my back and made their furrows long. But the Lord is righteous; he has cut me free from the cords of the wicked"...Psalm 129:2-4



Rating:
Summary: The book really works!
Review: I am a 65-year-old gay man and for years endured the negative judgments of my mother, father, and sister. Using several techniques outlined clearly in Beverly Engel's book, I was able to free myself from the pain and hurt and move on with my life. I am deeply grateful to the author for her insights into love and pain. The best "how-to" book I have ever read.

Rating:
Summary: A life line
Review: This book is a life line for people who continue to be damaged by parental abuse as adults. It is one thing to forgive the distant past of our childhoods, but quite another to put up with abuse as an adult. God bless Beverly Engel for sharing her insights and encouragement. I wish she (or someone) would write another book for people who have NOT been abused explaining why it is inappropriate and sometimes cruel to pressure others, like coworkers or complete strangers, to express love and devotion to their parents no matter what. Would it really cost anyone anything to mind their own business or give another the benefit of the doubt about their most personal choices?

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Summary: Healthy future for me now
Review: Unbelievable!!! I have finally come to terms with the abuse and abandonment that my family has continued to show me for more than 15 years. I have completed the necessary steps indicated in the book and realize I am the only mentally healthy individual in my immediate family. Unfortunately, my sister is continuing the legacy that my Mother began with her daughter. It is absolutely sickening to witness. However, I was able to emotionally divorce myself from them just prior to them abandoning me for the last time. You see, their modus operandi WAS to cut me off for any decision I made in which they didn't approve. I emphasize "WAS" because I will no longer feel the pain of their disapproval. It simply doesn't matter anymore. I now know that I don't need to be punished for being the human being and individual that I am. Whether they like it or not. I can't recommend this book enough to those of you who are even contemplating this scenario. You must at least try to be at peace with who you are and that is... a wonderful human being.

Rating:
Summary: Healthy future for me now
Review: Unbelievable!!! I have finally come to terms with the abuse and abandonment that my family has continued to show me for more than 15 years. I have completed the necessary steps indicated in the book and realize I am the only mentally healthy individual in my immediate family. Unfortunately, my sister is continuing the legacy that my Mother began with her daughter. It is absolutely sickening to witness. However, I was able to emotionally divorce myself from them just prior to them abandoning me for the last time. You see, their modus operandi WAS to cut me off for any decision I made in which they didn't approve. I emphasize "WAS" because I will no longer feel the pain of their disapproval. It simply doesn't matter anymore. I now know that I don't need to be punished for being the human being and individual that I am. Whether they like it or not. I can't recommend this book enough to those of you who are even contemplating this scenario. You must at least try to be at peace with who you are and that is... a wonderful human being.

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Summary: this book changed my life
Review: when i was given this book by my therapist i was at a crossroads in my life that meant i was going to lose my life over some crazy people who gave birth to me and raised me or i had to fight for my life in order to raise my daughters without the same sickness i was raised with. this book gave me the courage to stand up for myself and make a break from the two people who were supposed to love me. i saw by what the author was saying that we are not all blessed with parents who have the best intentions. i was able to send them letters that broke any ties with them . it has been seven years since i have seen or spoken to them and i still battle old ghosts but i at least have the support of this book to remind myself i made the right decision by choosing my life over the people who will never change in order to have a fairly decent relationship with me.