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Summary: All grown children disappoint by these standards
Review: A whining feel-good book for baby boomers who want an excuse for laying guilt trips on their grown children. With the exception of a few throw-away comments this book equates "adultolescents'" being unmarried or less than wildly successful with criminal activity and drug use. I am 30-something, have an Ivy League PhD and, with my partner, am financially secure. I'm also gay (but in a committed relationship) and unemployed (in a town with a more than 7% unemployment rate). While I am inclined to be grateful for my parents for all that they've done to get me here, Jane Adams encourages them to see the half-empty glass and perceive me as a morally inferior lazy "boomeranging" disappointment. I'd be surprised if my parents agree with her!
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Summary: When kids ruin your life
Review: Every woman past the age of 40 needs this book for life support. In "When Our Grown Children Disappoint Us," Jane Adams not only exposes our nastiest little secret, which is that we care more about our grown childrens'lives than we should - for both their health and our own. The fact that we passionately love our children is only part of the story, as Dr. Adams points out. Another part is that our egos are so painfully involved that when asked about any one of our kids, we nearly always nudge the scenario by painting the rosiest possible picture.
But the truth is that lots of our children have lots of problems, and "When Our Grown Children Disappoint" covers what must be nearly every miserable one of them - from drug addiction to never-ending dependency, from sexual acting-out to dangerous irresponsibility, from physical illness to mental. One way or another, many of our kids are - as our parents would rightfully put it - "ruining their lives." Gently, and with great humor, Dr. Adams, helps us keep these tragedies from ruining our own lives. In the process, in this beautifully written book, this longtime author shows us how to "separate, thereby restoring helth and peace to suffering parents.
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Summary: An important topic -- well-written, too!
Review: I gave this book five stars because Adams offers a clear message on a vital topic that deserves more attention. I know at least three women who have entered therapy because they can't handle their grown children. One college graduate won't leave home or get a job. Another has been on drugs and a third was diagnosed as mentally ill. When I say, "Can't you just detach?" they say, "You have no kids -- just a dog. It's harder than you think." So I was happy to read the same message from Jane Adams, a social psychologist who's an expert. Take care of yourself, she urges parents. Set limits. We can only save ourselves. Parents who do too much are pleasing themselves, not the children. Their addiction, says Adams, is to the belief that anything can be fixed. In reality, "Parenthood is one long exercise in relinquishing control -- or the illusion that we ever had it. Postparenthood is about acceptance." Not all acceptance is about criminal activity or mental illness. Adams should be commended for recognizing that sometimes there's nothing to be shocked about. Most cults, she says, are fairly harmless, and sexual orientation is not a choice. Don't waste time trying to force changes. The style and structure of the book resemble an informal support group. Adams's style uses a lot of "We" sentences: "As parents, we..." After awhile, I found myself irritated, especially when I read something alone the lines of,. "As we get older, we are willing to accept lower-paying, less competitive jobs..." Who's this "we?" I certainly do not fit this pattern, nor do my contemporary-age friends. You'll find many stories from real parents with out-of-control adult children. While they held my attention, I kept waiting for more commentary. We (see, I'm doing it now!) buy books to gain expertise and information. For instance, the author talks about doing too much, but do some parents do too little? What happens when parents take a really hard line, demanding their children find their own jobs? More broadly, I wish the author had utilized more of her social psychology background. Life course research has been "hot" for sometime -- the theory that the year of our birth can influence an entire cohort. Does a particular generation face unique challenges? Are those challenges real? Many of my friends say, "Today it's hard for children to be on their own -- housing prices are high, jobs are scarce." But weren't housing prices always high, relative to starting salaries? On the other hand, what will happen to a generation of young people who graduate into a world of scarce jobs? And today's children may be more accustomed to luxurious homes. They want the luxuries their parents obtained after years of saving. Why? And what can be done about it? When one colleague said his kids won't move out, he admitted that each had a beautiful room with a cable television set as well as a computer. The maid did everyone's laundry and the wife cooked splendid meals. I asked him if he'd adopt me so I could move in too! I also wonder, more disturbingly, if the meaning of "family" needs to be changed, at least in a legal sense. Adams seems to suggest that children need to learn the consequences of their actions. But in many states, children can be held responsible for the cost of their parents' nursing homes and medical bills. The parents may have been wasteful and irresponsible. Surely children should be able to turn their own parents loose. This book is very short -- less than 200 pages of fairly large type. If there is another edition, I hope the author adds more theory, more expertise and more context. And, I have to conclude, child-rearing does bear a strong resemblance to dog-training.
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Summary: Jane Adams speaks for all of us
Review: It felt as if Jane Adams was sitting at my kitchen table helping me work through my complicated feelings about my daughter and her beau. With her warm and practical wisdom, this author manages to provide generous comfort and sound advice at the same time. If you feel guilty, or critical, or even just frustrated with your grown-up kids, you'll find this book reads like a tall glass of cold water on a really hot day.
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Summary: It's Our Turn
Review: It is great to read a book about us new "seniors." For once, a psychologist is addressing the worries of the PARENTS of troubled kids. This time, it's grown-up kids who disappoint, and Jane Adams does a great job of identifying how painful it is to be disappointed in our kids, and yet feel completely frustrated and unable to solve their problems. Her solution: Detach, detach. And what a simple yet wise solution that is. She even tells us how. If your kids and their issues are keeping you up at night, read this book. You'll feel much better in the morning.
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Summary: All grown children disappoint by these standards
Review: My brother gave this book to our mother on her birthday, which I found to be a tad on the passive aggressive side. But, then again, she has been particularly disappointed in the men we've become, particularly my brother, who's still on probation for something he did a few years back. So I read the book out of curiosity, and I found it to be the most beautiful and forgiving message I'd ever heard. We live in a society that's so critical of everyone and everything, that this book was a genuine relief to find. People don't have to live up to all a parent's expectations, and they're better for finding their own trails in life. For instance, my father wanted me to be a professional baseball player, despite the fact that I'm nearly blind in one eye. He still says I never made it past high-school ball because of my work ethic, not the fact that I was constantly getting plunked in the head. So maybe Dad is going to get a little stocking stuffer as well. Bravo.
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Summary: The perfect passive-aggressive gift
Review: My brother gave this book to our mother on her birthday, which I found to be a tad on the passive aggressive side. But, then again, she has been particularly disappointed in the men we've become, particularly my brother, who's still on probation for something he did a few years back. So I read the book out of curiosity, and I found it to be the most beautiful and forgiving message I'd ever heard. We live in a society that's so critical of everyone and everything, that this book was a genuine relief to find. People don't have to live up to all a parent's expectations, and they're better for finding their own trails in life. For instance, my father wanted me to be a professional baseball player, despite the fact that I'm nearly blind in one eye. He still says I never made it past high-school ball because of my work ethic, not the fact that I was constantly getting plunked in the head. So maybe Dad is going to get a little stocking stuffer as well. Bravo.
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Summary: There's enough of us out there to write a book!
Review: Reading this book was a great comfort to me. When moms at work pipe up about their kids great accomplishments its pretty hard to chime in that your kid is on probation for a felony for selling pot and on a tether for violating probabation and just lost his job because he falsified the time card at the pizza joint. Geez. We didn't want the world but give me a break! Jane takes the heat off and the guilt does ease a bit - this book has helped me love the prodigal son without paying his rent for him. Thanks Jane!
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Summary: Please take some responsibility for your actions
Review: This book was a wonderful escapist read -- escape from my own culpability in being an angry, overworked, abusive mother. I know it's unusual for we "baby boomers" to actually admit this, but I find it a much better way to relate to my adult kids -- they're not perfect, but I sure wasn't a parent who "did everything right".
If increasing numbers of our generation are finding our children "disappointing", let's actually take some responsibility and realize, "Hey, maybe I sucked at raising kids!" Forgive yourself, or don't forgive yourself, but, for once, let's step away from the denial on-the-rocks and admit that "spanking" our kids in rage (and in the face, and with objects other than our hands) is abuse. Screaming abusive comments about their failures as children certainly hasn't contributed to their success as adults.
Lastly, I'd like to say that there are many wonderful parents of our generation (my best girlfriend, for example) who's children did turn out to be so-called "failures". For those folks, this book may or may not help you assuage your misplaced guilt.
For me, and many parents like me, that guilt is placed squarely where it should be -- on us.
I urge you : if your kids are failures or they aren't but want nothing to do with you -- look at your own actions. If you are so thoroughly steeped in denial that you really believe you were a great parent, please get help. If you don't want to do that, then give up on the idea of having any type of meaningful relationship with your adult kids -- it won't happen.
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Summary: Excellent beginning step
Review: This is a book for all parents, but especially for those needing the courage to see they aren't alone in their struggles. I first picked up this book after listening to my parents argue yet again over my thirty-something brother's latest problem -- ending up in the hospital after taking cocaine with prescription pain relievers with a woman other than his wife -- and I ended up finding it insightful for myself as a parent as much as potentially helpful for my parents. My own two sons are in the beginnings of teenagerhood, and while they presently are the type of kids parents brag about, reading this book reminded me of the need to change focus when my sons go off to their own adult lives, and that it is neither their jobs nor mine and my husband's to fulfill anyone else's life plans. At the same time while reading, I thought over all of the issues my parents are now -- and have for many years -- been struggling with in regards to my brother, and I wanted them to take Jane Adams' words of encouragement and straight honesty to heart and begin breaking the web of enablement and denial and guilt they and my brother have developed. While the book's focus is less on theory and specifics and more on the broader audience and general overviews, I found this book a great beginning move into the self-assessment needed in both "parents-of-troubled-children" situations as well as mere parenting. I will definitely recommend it to others as well as my parents.
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