Rating: 
Summary: Anyone with a son should read this book.
Review: This is a facinating look into the lives and struggles of boys in today's American society. Reading this book will help you become a better and more understanding parent.
Rating: 
Summary: Too much cheese without any crackers
Review: This 398 page book of cheese could have been easily written in about ten pages. Pollack does introduce some interesting ideas about gender-straight jacketing and the harms of the boy code. Unfortunately, he does a horrible job of making his claims believable. First, he generalizes with phrases like, "research shows". He does list his sources in the back, but there are fifteen pages of sources without any indication as to which figures go with which sources. Secondly, the stories in his book seem too cheesy to take place in real life. If you are going to write a book about real boys, one should find some real boys to base your book on, because these stories don't happen to most of us real boys out there. Overall, I would recommend that you read the epilogue, as it is a great summary and presents the only real points of this dissappointing book.
Rating: 
Summary: Lacking in references, but good in case studies
Review: As a psychology student at a prestigious college, I was very frustrated in reading the book because of the lack of evidence/proof/or reference that Pollack provides. In addition, there is a large amount of repitition in the book. It reads like a parenting manual, but is seemingly aimed at literate, educated people-- potentially leaving an entire population of parents out of the picture. They may get caught up in the terminology, or frustrated with unending opinions and repetition. Despite this all, it confronts valid issues surrounding the problems faced by boys (i.e shaming, self-esteem), and provides interesting anecdotes to support the author's own opinion.
Rating: 
Summary: Don't Send A Boy To Do A Man's Job
Review: You thought from the title I was going to diss this book, right? Wrong. Pollack, one of the Cambridge/Boston group of men working on issues of boys' transition to manhood, has written a fascinating account of the effects of U.S. "boys'/men's culture" on real live boys. Note the geographic specific. Because growing up male in other countries/cultures can be quite different from boys' experience here. The United States can be seen as not only a genetic melting pot, but a cultural mix of attitudes toward maleness, some of which are downright unhealthy. Take, for example, the "can't admit it" attitude toward pain (which unfortunately is now seeping over into girls' culture), and where in the world did that come from, anyway? Try Native American cultures (North and South American)...try the Norse and Germans (anyone in Minnesota or Illinois recognize this?)...try the Celtic stiff upper lip that persists in England. What Pollack brings to his work is a conviction that just because things have been one way doesn't mean we can't make them healthier. Recall that the root word of "healthy" and "holy" is the very same...then listen to Pollack as he describes the pain in boys' lives. We all need to grow. Growing as a society in ways that produce healthier boys is something we needed as of yesterday! For those who believe that boys' spending more time with their dads is THE one answer -- doesn't it depend on the dad? I know some great ones, you probably do, too. On the other hand, I know some terrible ones, dads who tear their sons apart, sometimes merely through their words and toss-away attitudes. As "The Courage To Raise Good Men" points out, young and adolescent boys need moms, too -- sometimes as an antidote to dads' doses of "men's culture", which often includes the misunderstood application of "spare the rod and spoil the child". (This advice was written for men, not for women; at that time, mothers had responsibility for disciplining all girls, and boys up to 13; the rod -- as anyone who shepherds knows -- is used not to punish or abuse lambs/sheep, but to guide them from danger, and save them when they've fallen somewhere they can't get out of.) Anger is now nearly the only emotion most boys and men allow themselves to express. What Pollack aims for is a society that allows boys and men to acknowledge all their feelings and seek help to express them in healthy ways. To acknowledge responsibility for actions they've taken that have hurt themselves or others -- and correct them (something at issue in the current presidential campaign). Result? Less sarcasm/fighting/abuse/addiction/suicide. In other words, less pain. So what's wrong with that?
Rating: 
Summary: Very well written, but skewed.
Review: Although Pollack does an excellent job of describing the psychology of being a boy, and ways to work with it, most of the examples given seem to be socially skewed. For instance, most of the boys that fit the descriptions of "real" that Pollack is trying to advance come from homes where they are relatively well-off, while the boys that come from abusive or violent homes seem to be lower income. My other slight bone to pick is that Pollack makes his point quite excellently in the first 100 pages, then follows with 300 more pages of examples, beating the reader over the head with the point.
Rating:
Summary: Children Need Their Fathers, too.
Review: Dr. Pollack tries to convince us that being male is a pathological abnormality that can only be cured by spending more time with ones mother. He then tries to convince us that a lot of societies ills stem from this revelation. Unfortunately, for his theory, there is nothing wrong with being male. Boys need to spend more time with fathers. In today's society 40% of our children don't have a father at home. Government programs make fathers expendable. For example, in most cases the presence of a father in a home severely decreases or eliminates any government help for a family. Courts overwhelmingly give custody of children to mothers in divorce proceedings. And, most notably, there is still a societal stigma against fathers staying home to raise children while mothers work. Children need support from both parents, not just mothers. There is nothing wrong with being male. There is something very wrong with a society that marginalizes fatherhood. Unfortunately, Dr. Pollack's book contributes to this disturbing trend.
Rating:
Summary: Men Are From Earth, Too....
Review: Having been blessed with all sons (ages 8 to 32), I've been able to see some of the external conflicts and internal workings as my babies grew into young men. This book supports what I've always suspected - boys are just as needy of nurturing (from both parents) as girls - perhaps more so, since to be emotionally needy and male in America is too often interpreted as a weakness. During the 70's, I sometimes found it difficult to listen to the angry cries of my feminist sisters (and yes, I think women's minds are of equal value to men's) who too often seem to be accusing men of just being born 'bad,' rather than being formed and influenced by the actions and reactions of people, culture, environment. We women expect our men (sons, husbands, friends and lovers) to be strong, yet sensitive. Their peers often expect them to be 'a man' - strong, not 'a wuss.' Trapped in a double-bind, most men respond to the heavy peer pressure, and turn off most of their emotions. When a son hits adolescence, with the body and voice of a grown man, we often think that means he is a man, and should act like one. Without defining clearly what that is (for there are often contradictions), just when they need us most, we set them free in a world that is confusing, demanding, and frightening. (And if you find your self thinking there's nothing wrong with that, since that's what being a man means, I beg you to read this book!) Little boys are expected to move away from their mother by five or six (to not do so means they'll have 'problems' later in life). When a young boy smacks a friend, we might just throw up our hands and say "boys will be boys." Worse, when an elementary school boy kisses a girl he likes, he may be accused of sexual harrassment. What is a parent to do? Pollack encourages parents to recognize and support the value in the different styles of parenting found in fathers and mothers - complementary, instead of competitive, styles gives more to the children. Instead of pushing young boys out early to 'be a man,' Pollack supports parents who allow their children to stay connected - to them, and to their own emotions. He encourages parents to find out what is going on behind those 'it doesn't hurt' looks on faces. Although written before the Columbine horror, one of the most important parts of this book is the last third, dealing with issues of violence and young men. Suicide, homicide, bullying are rampant (stats are in the book.) Anger is one of the few emotions boys are allowed to express openly - fear and hurt are no-no's for a boy who wants to be a "real man." This book has been extremely helpful to me, supporting things I've seen my former mother-in-law do - nurture her sons. Too often the idea of a mother nurturing her sons is thought to be emasculating - evidently, the opposite is true. Many fathers, too, will find encouragement in this book - and I suspect since they know more than I ever will about growing up male in America, much of this will ring true to them. The book isn't perfectly honed - there are portions that have logic that isn't fully explained - but this is a thick, enjoyable read that only hits the tip of the iceberg (he doesn't spend a lot of time on growing up male in different cultures within America - that would be another book in and of itself). A must read for teachers, social workers, youth leaders, therapists, this book is also a good source of information and consulation for young men and those who love them.
Rating:
Summary: ESP or just good research, I don't know which...
Review: Dr. Pollack hit the nail on the head, so to speak. Despite his use of sweeping statements, he is extremely accurate in his research and his writing, and speaking as someone currently dealing with the phenomenon he describes as the "Boy Code" I can agree wholeheartedly... Though I have never truly bought into it, there has always been a substantial amount of pressure just to act like everyone else, to lose my individuality, and there were people who thought I was a wuss, or a faggot, because I'm exceptionally well-read, intelligent, and outspoken. Mostly, these people shut up when I demonstrate the reason I lead my division in percentage of baserunners thrown out stealing and total bases stolen. Pollack writes about how boys relate to one another through action rather than speaking, another dead-on observations...people act as if boys are loners, but we're not. We have friends, but not by your narrow definition of friends. People need to re-evaluate their thinking in light of these subjects and more. Our society asks young men to reconcile two entirely different images, a difficult task, and then tells a boy he must do it alone. How absurd is that?
Rating:
Summary: Adolescent Development
Review: Robert Burbank EDUC 503: Adolescence Review of professional book July 12, 2000 The novel Real Boys, by William Pollack, PH.D. discusses the way boys are made to adhere to a stereotype that prohibits them from being able to understand and express the wide range of emotions they experience through their development. What Pollack refers to as the "Boy's Code" are expectations society has of males to be independent, tough, free of weakness and reliance on others. Pollack believes boys are pushed into the world too quickly, without the tools to listen to their own inner needs and without the confidence that others will aid them in satisfying those needs. Pollack also analyzes the shaming tactics that are involved in the training of boys to this social code. Statements such as, "don't act like a girl" or "don't be such a wimp" serve to further push boys away from a competency in perceiving their own spectrum of emotions. Boys learn the only emotions they are able to reveal are ones of aggression of anger. Because of this, many boys are not in tune with sadness, loneliness and feelings of inferiority they possess. To express themselves many boys "act out" aggressively. In doing this they perpetuate the stereotype of males being "brutes". It may lead to difficulties in the home or at school. The acting on emotions and not dealing with understanding them often causes deeper emotion problems. Pollack talks about the danger of drugs adolescent boys may turn to in an attempt to numb the emotional pain they are experiencing. He also discusses attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity many boys exhibit because of the anxieties that have built up within them. Finally, violence and depression may result from boy's frustration and anger at having to bear the façade of strength and complete independence for so long. Pollack not only explores the problems and mixed messages society places on boys, but he offers suggestions in what he refers to as "listening to boy's voices". He acknowledges that it is difficult to avoid the "boy code" established in our society, but he reminds that boys can be encouraged to express themselves in their own way and at their own pace that will not cause them to be ostracisized from the rest of society. Pollack talks about providing safe areas in several of his chapters, where boys have the freedom to reveal their emotions without the fear of ridicule. Pollack talks about the need for interdependence opposed to independence. The difference being that boys do not have to be abandoned to show strength, but can attain that strength and healthy personal identity with the support of those care about them. Mothers do not need to separate from a boy child until he is ready, fathers can remind the boy that he loves him and is proud of him. Even if it seems like the boy is not receptive, these reminders serve to reassure the boy about his own worth and serve to model the expression of feelings the "boy code" oppresses. Real Boys effectively explores a problem concerning how society raises and develops boys. Pollack mentions that the modern view of what a man is describes one that is able to express emotion and empathize with the feelings of others. To achieve this, adults need to understand how to counteract the lessons society teaches through the "boy code". By employing Pollack's strategies, teachers and parents will help to create future men who are not detached from themselves, understand their own self worth and are more prepared to deal with the emotional needs of themselves and others.
Rating:
Summary: Valuable, but some shaky foundations
Review: I work with inner-city boys at church and read this book, knowing I wouldn't agree with all of it, to gain some insight into boy culture. I learned a lot from this book (the "timed-silence" syndrome, how boys play together, how boys show love, much more) but have some major philosophical questions. Most significant: What does it mean to be masculine? It's worse than meaningless to define "masculine" as anything a boy or a man happens to be. (Is bullying masculine behavior? murder? adultery?) We need to value masculinity, but first we need to know what it is. And surely it includes strength, not just emotional openness. It's helpful to see where boys have been given impossible expectations. It's shameful to see adults expect five-year-olds to be men. Boys shouldn't be expected to be self-sufficient. But surely it's OK to begin to teach nine-year-olds how to develop into men? I don't like the idea of a society with interchangeable genders. Women are more nurturing, men more protective-and that is a good thing. Frankly, a society that tries to train men to be as gentle as women will probably soon find the men irrelevant, because women will still do it more naturally. It's interesting too how much the author tried to change the way people react toward boys under the guise of trusting one's instincts. First, a woman should not follow the Boy Code with boys (though she's inclined to do so)-she should instead follow her instincts. Strange, the description of how women relate to boys sounded pretty instinctive to me! Odder yet, the author is downright suspicious of men being allowed to follow THEIR instincts in encouraging boys to be tougher. Can you imagine a man not letting his wife teach their daughter to understand others' feelings? Why do we trust a woman's instincts on this more than a man's, if not that this new way of raising boys actually leans toward feminizing them? Also, where is the role of discipline in expecting boys sometimes to do what's hard for them? Sure, boys have a hard time sitting in their seats, and teachers should know that and allow for creative breaks. But beyond that, boys (and girls) should be taught to do some things that are difficult for them. Cannot learning to sit still for periods of time lead to a harnessing of energy that will help the boy learn self-control? Sometimes a boy (or a girl) IS misbehaving, not responding to some emotion he's feeling. And boys and girls alike need to learn to obey authority even when they don't feel like it. It's the authority figure's responsibility, not the child's, to make the obedience as easy and pleasant as possible.
|
