The Epidemic: The Rot of American Culture, Absentee and Permissive Parenting, and the Resultant Plague of Joyless, Selfish Children

Rating:
Summary: Agree with the premise . . .
Review: This book was highly recommended by a friend after a conversation in which we pretty much enthusiastically agreed that permissive parenting has had extremely ill effects on the behavior of children around us. I jumped into reading it wholeheartedly, as I, too, have noticed the "epidemic" of households dominated by preschoolers and adolescents. As a child, we knew how to act in a pizza parlor-- we were there to eat, and sit quietly, and talk nicely-- and we knew the consequences if we did not. I've seen so many children with parents who make excuses that "kids will be kids" or are so afraid of being strict with their children that they train them to be selfish monsters. It truly concerns and disgusts me. I thus agree with Dr. Shaw's thesis and the point he is trying to drive home.

Still, I have some problems with the book. First of all, it is awfully long on strongly worded opinions, and awfully short on any scientific or socially scientific evidence or research. Given his academic medical background, I expected more "research"-- after all an "epidemic" is a scientific term, usually quantified in numbers. Instead, I felt like I was reading the rantings of an old man on a train annoyed at the loud children around him. There just does not seem to be much meat to the book. There are anecdotes of incidents Dr. Shaw sees in restaurants or on a beach, followed by his opinion on them, but little if any in-depth analysis or research or statistics cited. Yes, Dr. Shaw, we all see what is happening, but what makes an interesting BOOK is when you study and quantify the trend, rather than just ranting about your random observations.

The other bone I have to pick is Dr. Shaw's chapter and other references regarding the choice to work outside the home. From reading the book, one would think that a child with two parents working outside the home full time is at a serious disadvantage. Sure, he gives lip service to the idea that SOME mothers (very few) can handle it and do a good parenting job, but really presses that people who must have a 2-career household should find a way to both work 2/3 shifts, or have one parent work at home. I find his discussions problematic on a number of levels. First, there are a number of studies showing that there is little or no effect of parents working outside the home, and that, in fact, children attending quality preschools do better in school and social activities when tested at intervals than do those who stay at home exclusively with their mothers. I'm not sure whether the one study he cites or these other studies are "right," but what bothers me is his complete neglect to even mention or grapple with this conflicting research.

Also, on my own anecdotal level, my husband and I are planning to start a family soon, and have been worried about this issue. I've felt particularly guilty, because my husband is a medical resident making very little money. Sure, I could stay home, but on his salary a family of three would be at the poverty level in a major city like ours. I will go back to work after a 4 month leave, and will return to a job as an attorney. Dr. Shaw acts as though every parent has the "choice" to stay at home and do freelance work of some kind if they need the money, or work night shifts. With our school loans and the cost of college, and the amount of effort it took to become a lawyer, I don't think I'll be giving it up to lick envelopes at home. Still, I wondered if that was selfish, until I looked around me. I have so many girlfriends who are moral, well-balanced, successful amazing women with good family lives, well-behaved children, and great hearts. And every one of them had a working mother, whether she was a CEO, like one friend's mom, a best selling author (another), a doctor (another), a Harvard admission officer (another), a farm worker (another), or a single blue collar mom trying to get by (mine!). I can think of one particular woman who is ill-adjusted, uneducated, bitter, lazy (refused to work before she even had kids, but still complains about what she and her husband can't buy)... and her mother stayed home. I'm NOT saying this is the normal outcome of SAHM's AT ALL-- it is an amazingly noble choice. But my point is simply that Dr. Shaw cites almost no research, and MY anecdotal evidence suggests that good moms are good moms, no matter their choice. He also doesn't address the possibility that perhaps seeing their mothers in such roles provides value to daughters and to sons, and also helps them with gender role stereotypes and work ethic later on.

I could do without the heavy-handed opinions, and would have loved more hard facts and research. I honestly think Dr. Shaw's got it right-- we are raising joyless, selfish children. Permissive parenting has gone awry. Children are way too exposed to media. Parents don't engage themselves enough in their children's friendships, activities, and lives. They don't put enough limitations on them. My mom did a bang-up job at all of these things, and I think that fuels my horror when I see many children who have succumbed to the "epidemic" Shaw desribes. But, Dr. Shaw, show us the facts, show us the research! Especially if you're going to make me feel bad about our choice to be -- GASP-- a 2-full time career family!

I do think that the book would make a great guide for parents who are starting to feel out of control, for new mothers worried about their choices on feeding and sleeping, and for those looking for a good, effective childrearing and disciplinary philosophy.

Rating:
Summary: A must-read for anyone who has a child with behavioral probs
Review: This was a wonderful book, although yes, a little common sense. I do agree that most who are reading this book are probably already doing a great job. I do think though that those who become defensive about his advice may need to think about if it is because his advice rings true?

I do not think at all that he believes there is only one way to raise a child. I do think that it is a lot of info that people who are having issues are not ready to hear. Let's stop blaming our kids for everything and start accepting our own roles as parents!

For what it's worth, I am a therapist and after seeing many sad children in my office whose parents are pointing a finger at them-- I wish I had had this book to give to them.

Rating:
Summary: Buy this book for every parent you know
Review: Well - someone is finally saying it - all this permissive parenting has got to stop. I, like many people, am sick of seeing kids throwing tantrums, backtalking and rolling their eyes, treating their parents and everyone else with total disrespect. I am also sick of watching parents do nothing about it - they are too tired, too busy, too uninvolved with their kids to discipline them and demand or deserve respect. Everyone needs to wake up, and Dr. Shaw is finally here with what he calls, not a "how-to" book, but a "what is necessary" book - kudos to Dr. Shaw for telling it like it is and helping parents, grandparents and even aunts and uncles help their kids to be happy, productive and a pleasure to be around. Buy this book!!!

Rating:
Summary: What would Dr. Moe, Dr. Larry and Dr. Curly say?
Review: Well, there are a few people here who gave reviews that are so long my clothes went out of style while I was reading them. Here's my Cliff's Notes version for the ADHD people.
This is an excellent book, but as Ann Landers (or was it Dear Abby?)always said, people never see themselves in the letters people write about them. It's always somebody else who's doing the wrong thing. I will bet my right arm that no one will see themselves in this one either, other than those few who are ready to see the light. It's kind of an important job, and to think you screwed up? Yikes. That would be painful. But he is right on the money: the lunatics are running the asylum. I can see it in my own life. We all need to grow a backbone and get real, as his emminence, Dr. Phil, is fond of saying.

Rating:
Summary: What the critics say:
Review: WHAT THE CRITICS SAY:

"Refreshingly parent-centered advice. Reading his book is like having a bossy grandmother sit on your shoulder, doling out old-fashioned common sense."
--USA Today

"Good reading for those who just got home from shopping with a screaming kid in tow."
--San Jose Mercury News

"[Shaw] offers suggestions on how to reverse these trends and delivers them reasonably and persuasively, with the passion of a man who has seen it all and can't take any more."
--Chicago Tribune

"A detailed, instructive journey through a child's life . . . filled with concrete examples."
--San Francisco Chronicle Magazine

"Run, don't walk, run, to your nearest bookstore."
--Scripps Howard News Service

"A convincing new book on how not to raise children. . . . I rather hope his book becomes the twenty-first century childcare bible."
--Fay Weldon, The Times (London)

"[The Epidemic] has gone off like a grenade in the trenches of American parenthood."
--Daily Telegraph

"Robert Shaw . . . has taken the U.S. by storm. . . . Parents are getting it wrong. Not just a bit wrong; not just round-the-edges, straighten-things-up-a-bit-and-everything-will-be-OK wrong, but horribly, monumentally wrong."
--The Guardian

"Shaw's book makes an awful lot of sense. . . . This is enormously empowering stuff."
--Daily Mail

"Finally! A book that critically examines the great disservice permissive parenting has done to our attitudes toward children's development. With a wise and knowledgeable tone, Dr. Shaw conveys his belief in our ability to do a good enough job while he helps us see our blind spots and weaknesses. This book will stay with you from your child's conception to adulthood and then be passed on to your children's children."
Dr. Carol J. Eagle, author of All That She Can Be, Past President, The American Orthopsychiatric Association.