1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12

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Summary: A must for Parents and Care Givers!
Review: I read all of the reviews here before deciding to give 1-2-3 Magic a try. I am SO GLAD that I did. My children have become more calm, my house is more peaceful, there is NO yelling, NO threatening, it's just a pleasant place to be. I think that too many parents treat their children like mini adults. It's pretty sad. I also use the program in my daycare and my daycare parents have started using it at home as well. This is a MUST read for any parent that is tired of yelling and getting nowhere with discipline. I recommend getting the video tape as well, Dr. Phelan describes the program very well. I love it!

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Summary: Helps with Parents' Behavior Too
Review: Besides the timeout method it describes, 1-2-3 Magic was extremely useful in helping me understand and change my own behaviors as a parent that were getting in the way of effectively teaching my son. I realized that during discipline I was over-explaining and getting angry, neither of which helped my 2-year old understand what he was supposed to do (or stop doing). After changing my behavior, I was able to communicate much more clearly to my son what our household rules are. He's happier knowing that he knows what's expected of him, and now we have more time for play and positive interaction.

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Summary: Try Positive Parenting Instead!
Review: Looking over the earlier reviews for this book, it is apparent that people either love it or hate it. The book is applauded by some for providing a method to stop arguments, but it is strongly criticized by others for discouraging useful dialogue between parents and children. Overall, my feeling is that this approach has strengths and weaknesses; the danger is that it can be used in a way that prevents children from learning to assert themselves, to articulate the reasons they are asking to do something or protesting a decision by their parents

Thomas Phelan makes an interesting point about children's sense of powerlessness early in the book, but his counting method doesn't seem to have anything to do with this observation about children. He states in Chapter 4 "When they are little, kids feel inferior. They feel inferior because they are inferior. Sure, they can be cute and lovable and nice, but they are also smaller, less privileged, less intelligent, less skillful, less responsible and less of just about everything than their parents and the older kids. And this "lessness" bugs them a lot! They don't like it! They do like to feel they are powerful and capable of making some mark on the world."

So, why does Phelan believe that the sole way to deal with children's arguing back is to "count" children??? Sure, there are times parents get too caught up in senseless debate with their kids, then lose their temper and say very hurtful things. If the 1-2-3 approach stops this from happening, then it has merit. But if it this approach is used every time children assert a different opinion than their parents, then children will indeed feel powerless.

If parents are going to use this approach, they should use it sparingly.. And they should read other books which encourage good dialogue between children and parents. One recently-published book, "Rewards for Kids! Ready-to-Use Charts & Activities for Positive Parenting" provides a great model for encouraging communication, as well as giving parents concrete, positive ways to control misbehavior while building children's sense of independence and self-esteem. Other classic books which encourage positive communication between parents and children are How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, and Loving Your Child is Not Enough: Positive Discipline That Works.

I speak as a parent and as a teacher of young children for more than 10 years - try positive parenting instead.

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Summary: This worked for us
Review: I liked this book very much. It teaches parents how to discipline kids without being threatening or physical. It puts you back in control at a stage when children are trying to assert themselves and test those very boundaries (as is natural). Most kids understand the "time-out" method and this book teaches its proper usage. After a short while of saying 1-2-3-timeout for the appropriate situations, I rarely have to go beyond the number 1 these days.

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Summary: For all parents, grandparents, teachers, and babysitters
Review: Now in an expanded and updated third edition, 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline For Children 2-12 is a guide accessibly written by Thomas W. Phelan (an internationally known expert and lecturer on child discipline and Attention Deficit Disorder). 1-2-3 Magic is an extremely straightforward "user manual" for controlling obnoxious behavior of children ages 2 to 12 -- and teaching these youngsters to be responsible for their own actions. Denouncing the fallacy of pretending that children are "little adults" when in fact they are often selfish or foolish simply because they are too young to know any better and need to be taught, 1-2-3 Magic focuses on a core system of counting to three, then if the bad behavior persists, punishing a recalcitrant child with a time-out or a loss of privileges. A central key to the system is not to talk too much or show emotion. Indeed, a parent should not explain more than once, as too much discussion tends to confuse a child. As the child grows older the benevolent dictatorship of parenthood gradually transitions into the more democratic process of raising a teenager. An astutely written, expert work, 1-2-3 Magic is very highly recommended reading for all parents, grandparents, teachers, and babysitters.

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Summary: Wonderful strategies, easily modified for your child
Review: I found this book to be quite useful in handling my 2 year old. I did not follow the book by wrote, and agree that you do need to talk with your kids about discipline issues. But his basic point is not to ignore what your kids say, but to not lecture them constantly about what they did wrong. I find this to be very pro-child. He is just saying that if a kid does something wrong, punish them and forget it...don't go on and on about it. He even mentions that any good discipline strategy is based on mutual respect and devotes most of his book to rewarding positive behaviors and spending time with your child. Anyway, this strategy may not work for everyone but it worked for me, and I am a earth-mamma attachment parenter.

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Summary: It works for my "difficult" child!
Review: My five-year-old son has always been a handful. His two-year-old sister is an "easy child" but is just now old enough that we need to start disciplining her. I bought this book a few days ago and began using the strategies outlined immediately. It has worked great!

The counting is simple enough for my son to understand. He is speech delayed but he understands this program perfectly. To my complete shock I have only had to say "that's three" a few times now. My daughter has gone to time-out more but I can see that she's beginning to make the connection.

I think this book is successful because it stresses that you must be consistent with your discipline and follow through every time. Your children will never wonder if you are serious or what will happen if they don't obey.

I don't think I am giving my children three chances to misbehave. "That's one" tells them to stop what they are doing. Sometimes I will add a simple explanation if they're not sure what they're supposed to stop. "That's two" may come only a few seconds later and gives them a chance to decide to behave. Then I say "That's three - go to timeout". So really it's instruction-warning-punishment, not instruction-warning-warning-warning-punishment.

Obviously there are more serious issues that you don't want to give any chances for, like hitting a sibling. The book suggests you jump straight to time-out at that point. There are also suggestions for punishments other than time-out for older children.

Positive parenting fans will recognize a lot of familiar concepts like reflective listening, natural consequences, and family meetings.

This book is a very quick read and even those who normally hate reading will be able to get through it easily.

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Summary: If you want well-behaved kids, READ THIS BOOK!
Review: I can recommend this book without reservations. Phelan shows you how to take the (negative) emotion out of raising well-behaved, disciplined children.

After reading this book, my wife and I started using the techniques in the book. It made an immediate, positive impact on our child.

If you're tired of having your children misbehave, and having daily "time-outs", then read this book. Within weeks, you will see a remarkable difference. We started using this book when our son was 2. Now 7, he has had 1 time-out in the last 2 years.

This should be mandatory reading for all parents.

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Summary: So Helpful!
Review: After recently deciding to leave my job and stay home with my 3 year old, this book has helped me keep my sanity! The freind who recommended 1-2-3 Magic put it best in saying that it is important that parents have control of the home - not toddlers! This book is really helping me take back that control of my home and has greatly improved my relationship with my toddler as a result. The author does a great job of providing specific age appropriate examples of how to implement his suggestions and I love the guidance on how to take emotion out of the disciplinary process. Phelan's methods have helped me resolve issues with my son consistantly rather than having to go through a mental list of all the different methods of discipline I used before - many of which were just as unpleasant for me as they were for my child. As a result, I often don't have to get to the step of taking action because poor behavior stops on the count of 1 or 2. The other thing I love about this book is that most of the teachers at my son's pre school have read it and can help reinforce the principals while he is there. It has been helpful to have my mother and husband read the book as well so that we are all consistent.

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Summary: Dreadfully anti-child, especially bad for special needs kids
Review: My stomach churned reading the first few chapters of this book, with its hostile, anti-child attitude. It assumes maliciousness on the part of children whose behavior the parents don't like, and assumes that the parents' needs and desires always, always are legitmate whereas the child's are not. To me, this is sheer arrogance. Sometimes we parents say "no" and on second thought, realize there's a compromise that honors our needs and wishes as well as that of our kids. Don't we want to train kids to think creatively about win/win solutions? Frankly, I think the overall attitude just sets you up for totally unnecessary power struggles.
This is an especially lousy parenting approach if your child has special needs. My child has sensory integration dysfunction. He is not being manipulative or defiant when he has to put on a new pair of shoes, he is genuinely freaked out by the change in routine and the unfamiliar sensation of the new shoes (tactile sensitivity). Were I to use the 1-2-3 magic method, I'd be locked in a continual power struggle with a child whose "quirks" stem from legitimate neurological problems, scolding and punishing him for things he cannot help. Spanking is not an option, ethically or even practically--he has an altered sense of pain.
Far, far better parenting books I recommend for children with special needs, or who are intense/spirited: Kids, Parents and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka; Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka; and The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Greene.
The only positive thing I can say about this book is that it proposes counting as a form of transition. Transitions can be very helpful for a high-needs kid, but you don't need to count--you can just tell your child what's coming up or give him five minute warnings when you want him to do something or switch activities. Or use a picture To Do list to give him a sense of control over his world (knowing what's coming up). Spend your money on a better parenting guide.