Rating: 
Summary: Very relevant
Review: As a child of divorce, I found this helpful in understanding my childhood experience, particularly the sections on abandonment.I wish more divorcing couples would read this before they split...
Rating: 
Summary: Read this to better understand the one you love
Review: I never seriously thought about divorce until I became invovled in a mature relationship with a child of divorce. At the time I purchased this book, I was searching for answers as to why my partner in life for almost five years seemed so fearful to make a commitment to marriage. This book contains no easy answers but offers explanations as to why children of divorce, who may be so confident in their careers and emotionally supportive of their lovers, may be terrified of the institution of marriage. The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce demonstrates how the most profound impact of divorce is revealed only when children of divorce enter mature relationships. Ultimately, Wallerstein shows that in order to heal, children of divorce must bravely face deeply-rooted insecurities on their own terms and in their own time. This book should be read not only by children of divorce but by their partners who love them.
Rating:
Summary: Fascinating, though somewhat limited
Review: Beginning in 1971, Judith Wallerstein began to interview the parents and (especially) the children in families that had recently filed for divorce. Over 25 years, she followed the development of these children through adolescence and into adulthood. To add breadth to her study, she also followed the development of children in intact (and often chaotic) families. Armed with the preconceived notions of the early Seventies, she was shocked that the two groups of children developed in "parallel universes" that changed the shape of their lives in many ways. Presenting her findings in the form of seven children who exemplify various "types" that she encountered, she weaves stories together that tell the lives of some children of divorce. Taking the side of children, and what they need, she offers advice on what parents and stepparents can and should do, and offers further advice for what we should do as a society. One word of caution that I would add would be that while this study is probably more in-depth than most, it is also more limited. All of the families studied were from (seemingly) a middleclass portion of California. So, any regional and/or ethnic differences would not appear in this study. Also, religion is not mentioned at all in this study, and its effect (if any) is not examined. That said, though, this is an absorbing book that gave me many insights, and I am quite glad that I read it. So, let me say that I found this book quite fascinating, but a little bit lacking. I would recommend that you read this book, bearing in mind its limitations.
Rating:
Summary: Refeshingly honest
Review: Let's begin with who won't like this book. People who want an easy out and are used to excuse making, passing the buck or simply prefer their head in the sand to fresh air and sunshine. In a day and age where adults try and rationalize or make excuses for the bad behavior and poor choices they freely make it is always nice to read a book that is "politically incorrect" and blunt enough to tell adults who choose to bring children into the world that maybe thinking is an important habit to get into. Her study was nor flawed. It only seems so to those who have a lifestyle of wanting what they want and all others be damned. Fact is negative behavior as she shows, has negative results. Treat a child as a second thought and elevate ones own selfish wants above the bigger picture and children pay. And pay big time. Both my husband and I are from families of divorce. His parents divorced when he was small, mine separated a month before I got married. The scars are there. The fear of abandoment and learning to trust and stay the course and not bail when small or big challenges arise. The author shows that the human ego is a big part of the problem. She also seems to grasp from reading other works like The Good Marriage etc. that marriages that surivive do so for a simple reason that I call "the marriage vows". Where couples actually remember that they vowed "For worse...in sickness...for poorer". And where each partner looked beyond just what they wanted but what was required of them. This is important when, as the author shows, when children are involved and one parent for whatever reason gets bored, unhappy or tired and wants to bail, thinking anything must be better than where they are at. The author does NOT say that someone who is in an abusive marriage should EVER stay. She is speaking about the majority of marriages where there is no violence etc, but simply one or both of the spouses, sees greener pastures.
Rating:
Summary: Moss
Review: The reviews above are sufficient for readers of my review to grasp what this book is about. My wife and I have been seperated 9 months and we have 2 wonderful children age 4 and 8. This book may well save our "marriage" and the "childhood" and "adulthood" of our children. An excellent work which should also be given out to people having their first child, as a marriage present and those that are recently seperated. 10/10 for the TRUTH!!!
Rating: 
Summary: An Important Book, Deeply Flawed
Review: I understand why so many people love this book. I need to explain to those people why so many others hate it. I nearly quit reading it myself out of a very deep rage. I finished in five-ten page semgments, writing this review in my head as I went, alternately understanding the book's appeal, and working to contain my own personal reaction. Wallerstein gives voice, as she claims, to the adult children of divorce. These readers are understandably very grateful for finally being heard. Genuine empathy for their plight is expressed, and the details of their lived experience is explained. For someone who demonstrates a capacity for such empathy to then turn around and squelch the voices of people from high-conflict marriages struck me, therefore, as especially unforgivable. To title a chapter on their childhoods, "Sunlit Memories", and to do so without irony (I resist the urge to e-scream that) verges on bizarre. Her claim that these indviduals are essentially oblivious to the conflict and then enter adulthood emotionally secure and ready to explore intimate relationships, whereas the children of divorce, even when their parents did not fight openly, were scarred by the reading of their parents' nonverbal cues of emotional pain, went beyond bizarre. This book is dishonest. Wallerstein acknowledges the use of composites, and reporting of interviews as if they were hers when they were not. I am forced to conclude that she reports the actual voices of the children of divorce, and then makes up the "comparison" voices. A brief inspection of her appendix, moreover, reveals a fairly incoherent approach to this "comparison group", which appears to lump together the experiences of children from good marriages with children from high conflict marriages. The tragedy is that she undermines her own stated purpose. Parents trying to decide whether to divorce or stay for their children's sake will not benefit from this book. The tragedy, too, is that I actually agree with many or most of her conclusions, notably that parents really should try harder to stay together, and that divorcing parents need to be aware of the risks their children face. The acts of dishonesty throughout this book were not necessary. Giving one group a much needed voice did not require the shutting out of those other voices. Romanticizing the real pain ("Sunlit Memories"?!) of so many will not win people to her cause and that really is sad.
Rating:
Summary: "Intact" vs "Broken"
Review: As a 26 year old woman who is the "child of divorce" I read this book only to confirm how wrong a book that tries to lump a group of people into a mold can be. I have always resented the notion that my family was somehow "broken" just because I did not have two parents living together. My family was "fixed" -- as soon as my father moved out of the house. The study was necessarily lopsided, in that it followed "children of divorce" throughout their childhood and adulthood, but only took a fleeting look at two-parent children, who were asked to describe their childhood from memory--necessarily different than a first hand account from a five year old. There was no real way for the author to find out "what would have happened" i.e. had the divorced parents stayed together, but there was no effort to thoroughly study the effects of bad marriage, either. From personal experience, my two-parent peers growing up were neither more or less balanced than I was, and the fact that one of my parents should never have had children would have been a factor whether or not he was living in the same house as my mother, who fortunately "made up" for the "lack." My boyfriend, who comes from a two-parent, and acoholic, family, exhibits most of the traits that this book ascribes to me, while I lack them. That is not to say that my experience as a "child of divorce" was not the same as other "children of divorce", but that my worldview and personality were not necessarily shaped by the fact that my parents divorced when I was 5.
Rating:
Summary: Responsibility
Review: There is no greater joy or responsibility in life than that which comes with parenthood. Dr. Wallerstein takes on the long-standing myths that we've created for ourselves on the topic of divorce. The legacy of a self-centered generation lives on in our children as they struggle to develop meaningful relationships of their own. If you're looking to hide from the realities of divorce, I wouldn't suggest this book.
Rating: 
Summary: Scare tactics
Review: I was appalled by the imbalance of this book. If the author's intent was to scare unhappy people into staying together for the sake of the children, then she surely succeeded. I don't condone divorce as the ultimate simple solution to a poor marriage, nor do I believe that any child goes unscathed when divorce is the result of one. But I do believe in the power of freedom of choice, that one's own needs should be considered in every situation and that behaving as a martyr for the sake of another human being is highly irresponsible to one's own life and happiness. Would the author prefer that we return to the male dominated society of the fifties, where woman stayed in terrible marriages because of the stigma of divorce? A time when women's own needs and desires went unrecognized and unrealized up until their very last breath? What sort of life is that? Perhaps the author's energy would be better directed in creating positive strategies for coping with divorce. Divorce is a painful reality, but it isn't going anywhere. I imagine this book would appeal to the angry children of divorce who would rather dwell on the past instead of getting on with their lives. I am a product of divorce, but I'm ashamed to say this book serves no better purpose than to point out the worse case scenarios and dwell on the repercussions. I have learned to respect the difficult decision my parents had to make and believe whole heartedly in their happiness and their right to pursue their own lives. This is called maturity.
Rating:
Summary: The sad truth about divorce
Review: Reading this book brought tears to my eyes. It's all so true. I didn't realize that most kids of divorce suffer through the same things that I experienced after my parents divorced. Our society has tried so hard to convince us that divorce is not a problem, but a solution. Wallerstein's book shows us that's not the case. Thanks for getting the truth out there in the open, Dr. Wallerstein.
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