WHY MARRIAGES SUCCEED OR FAIL: AND HOW YOU CAN MAKE YOURS LAST

Rating:
Summary: A Scientist And Marriage???
Review: Dr. Gottman's claim to fame(even Oprah once said he's # 1) is that he is a scientist who relies on long term data analysis while almost everybody else in his business relies on intuition and data from the limited number of patients with whom they work. Gottman says, 'much of the conventional wisdom even among marital therapists-is misguided or dead wrong.' He encourages us to read on with great anticipation indeed. So what does all this amount to? Not much at all it turns out. He says he can predict divorce(in one study anyway) with 94% accuracy and that 'may'(page 21) help you back away from the slippery slope of divorce. In another book of his he says of the same study, 'accuracy of prediction does not mean I understand the process involved in the maintenance or deterioration of a marriage.' So then who needs idle and probably meaningless predictions? The first italicized words come on page 28: If there is one lesson I have learned from my years of research it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.' This is a major conclusion? How could it be when we already know that couples who divorce obviously haven't resolved their differences? It is a given that if you don't resolve conflicts you will divorce. No two people want exactly the same thing. Where to live, when to have sex, how to spend money, etc,etc are all conflicts that people in love work out; if they didn't they wouldn't be in love. So what on earth does it mean to conclude that a couple must resolve conflicts to remain a couple? Agreement on where to go on a first date represents the resolution of a conflict; without this there is no relationship. Did someone ever argue that an inability to resolve conflicts was good for a marriage, or any relationship of any kind for that matter?
Then we learn about the 'four horseman of the apocalypse': criticism, defensiveness, contempt. and stonewalling, that lead sequentially toward divorce. Again Dr. Gottman has the same problem. Nobody ever argued that the 4 horseman were good for marriage. Besides, everybody can add to his four anyway. How about alcoholism, physical abuse, hatred, adultery, absence, chronic unemployment, drug abuse, emotional abuse, criminality, and feminism. If your wife develops a huge alcohol problem or your husband beats you or is sleeping with the mailman you don't want to interrupt the four horseman sequence, you want to run for your life. Yes, when there is a problem a couple uses the four horseman but to kill the four horseman you first have to kill the problem. It seems in his fervor to position himself as a marriage scientist and to then measure things that were scientifically measurable Dr. Gottman has forced himself into irrelevancy when he should have formulated his hypothesis in a meaningful way that might have led to meaningful conclusions. Simple books like Men Are From Mars or The 91% Factor: Why Women Initiate 91% of Divorce offer simple actionable conclusions that didn't take a lifetime of work and clearly stick with you after the book is long gone.

Also recommended: MEN ARE FROM MARS----and---- THE 91% FACTOR:WHY WOMEN INITIATE 91% OF DIVORCE


Rating:
Summary: TOO MUCH SCIENCE;NOT ENOUGH THOUGHT
Review: A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST LOOKS AT MARRIAGE???? The author's claim to fame (even Oprah says he # 1) is that he is a scientist who relies on long term data analysis while almost everybody else in his business relies on intuition and data from the limited number of patients with whom they work. The author says, "much of the conventional wisdom even among marital therapists-is misguided or dead wrong." The reader is encouraged to read on with great anticipation indeed. So what does all this amount to? Not much at all it turns out. The author says he can predict divorce(in one study anyway) with 94% accuracy and that "may"(page 21) help you back away from the slippery slope of divorce. In another book the author says of the same study, "accuracy of prediction does not mean I understand the process involved in the maintenance or deterioration of a marriage." So then who needs idle and probably meaningless predictions? The first italicized words come on page 28. They are: if there is one lesson I have learned from my years of research it is that a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship." This is a major conclusion? How could it be when we already know that couples who divorce obviously haven't resolved their differences? It is a given that if you don't resolve conflicts you will divorce or be miserably married. No two people want exactly the same thing. Where to live, when to have sex, how to spend money, etc,etc are all conflicts that people in love workout. If they didn't, they wouldn't be in love. So what on earth does it mean to conclude that a couple must resolve conflicts to remain a couple? Agreement on where to go on a first date represents the resolution of a conflict; without this there is no relationship. Did someone ever argue that an inability to resolve conflicts was good for a marriage, or any relationship of any kind for that matter? Then we learn about the "four horseman of the apocalypse" : criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, that lead sequentially toward divorce. Again the book has the same problem. Nobody ever argued that the 4 horseman were good for marriage. Besides, everybody can add to these four anyway. How about alcoholism, physical abuse, hatred, adultery, abandonment, chronic unemployment, drug abuse, emotional abuse, criminality, or feminism? If your wife develops a huge alcohol problem or your husband beats you or is sleeping with the mailman you don't want to interrupt the four horseman sequence you want to run for your life. Yes, when there is a problem a couple proceeds through the four horseman, but to avoid the progression through the "four horseman" you first have to solve the problem. It seems in his fervor to position himself as a marriage scientist and to then measure only things that were scientifically measurable the author has forced himself into irrelevancy when he should have formulated his hypothesis in a meaningful way that might have led to logical and meaningful conclusions. Simple, but logical books like Men Are From Mars or The 91% Factor: Why Women Initiate 91% of Divorce offer simple actionable conclusions that didn't take a lifetime of work but clearly stick with you long after you have put the book down.

Rating:
Summary: Very Helpful Book
Review: A friend recommended that my husband and I read this book just after we got married six years ago. We did and I am so grateful to that friend for suggesting it. Knowing that how we manage conflict is the key issue for a successful marriage has been critical for us, since we have different styles of dealing with conflict. I would highly recommend it to any one who is married, whether you feel like you have difficult issues to deal with in your relationship or not.

Rating:
Summary: It explains exactly how to avoid what ruins marriages.
Review: About 25 years ago John Gottman, a researcher at the University of Washington, started interviewing newlyweds in his laboratory. He hooked them up to devices that measure physical responses (blood pressure, heart rate, sweat on the palms, etc.) and videotaped them while they discussed a subject that was volatile for them. What topic was sure to create a heated argument? That's the one he wanted them to talk about. He was then able to go back and study the videotapes and watch the records of blood pressure and heart rate and see how the person responded both outwardly and inwardly. And then he tracked these couples over the years. Some broke up. Some stayed together. He found something very specific that enabled him to predict, with an astoundingly high degree of accuracy, who will break up and who will stay together: How do they fight? He found four things -- four kinds of communication -- that ruin a marriage. If those four are present during an argument, the marriage is headed for disaster. His most important discovery, I think, is that it isn't the CONTENT of the fight that makes a difference, it's the PROCESS you use during an argument. If you use a lousy method of fighting, it doesn't matter if you're only arguing about a toothpaste tube, it can destroy your marriage. But with the right PROCESS -- one that avoids those four disaster-creating methods -- you can talk about a highly volatile issue like infidelity and still keep the marriage together and your love alive. When you're in an argument with your spouse, it always SEEMS that the important thing is WHAT you're arguing about. But that's not what matters. The important thing is HOW you argue. And Gottman's book tells you exactly how to avoid what doesn't work.

Rating:
Summary: Very typical... Most of it is common knowledge
Review: Dr. Gottman's book didn't cover anything most people have already heard. It's not what you fight about but how you fight. Who hasn't heard this line? Some of the quizzes to assess your marriage were interesting (for example, I didn't think I would be comfortable in an avoidance style marriage, but a quiz proved me wrong), but for the most part this book didn't offer me any new insight. I don't feel like any information in this book will be able to applied to help my marriage last. My husband and I also have a very good marriage, so I felt like a lot of the points presented do not apply to me. Dr. Gottman seemd to present too many scenerios between other couples instead of presenting practical information that is useable. I was disppointed, because I usually like most self-help books and find them useful.

Rating:
Summary: Good insight and realistic advice
Review: Excellent book for building a strong marriage. Helps you realize that some of the 'little' things you haven't been doing are really BIG things to the success of a marriage. Gives very specific examples, such as the idea of talking to each other about your hopes, dreams and fears. If you are parents you'll find a renewed sparkle between you. (Also, if you have kids, check out Perfect Parenting by Elizabeth Pantley)

Rating:
Summary: What a relief!
Review: I enjoyed reading Gottman's book, especially after I had subjected myself to reading John Gray's preachy, opinionated and stereotype-based pop-psychology treatise, "Mars and Venus on a Date". I found that Gottman's scenarios involving different couples were a positive way to review his concepts, and easy to relate to real life. His scientific approach is refreshing, humanistic and intelligently written. An earlier reviewer asserted that the information that Gottman presents is basic, but I hadn't been exposed to any of the premises before, and I am grateful that I came upon his book. I highly recommend it as a sanity check for those who are questioning their relationships.

Rating:
Summary: What a relief!
Review: I enjoyed reading Gottman's book, especially after I had subjected myself to reading John Gray's preachy, opinionated and stereotype-based pop-psychology treatise, "Mars and Venus on a Date". I found that Gottman's scenarios involving different couples were a positive way to review his concepts, and easy to relate to real life. His scientific approach is refreshing, humanistic and intelligently written. An earlier reviewer asserted that the information that Gottman presents is basic, but I hadn't been exposed to any of the premises before, and I am grateful that I came upon his book. I highly recommend it as a sanity check for those who are questioning their relationships.

Rating:
Summary: The classic
Review: I go back and reread this book every couple of years-- it is helpful for all sorts of relationships, not just marriage. I always find something new to work on when I read it. And (unlike some other reviewers) I think it's critical that the advice is based on research and not on someone's opinion. Some of what he has found contradicts received wisdom about marriage.

It is a little baffling to me that people turn to books such as Dr. Phil's book on marriage (which cribs pretty liberally from Gottman's work) or that horrible "He's just not that into you" book (which appears to be written for 12 year olds) when Gottman's popular books are just as readable and understandable. And Gottman's work is based on years of studying actual relationships. Also, they are better written.

Rating:
Summary: Fascinating!
Review: I read this book for a college class and still remember the tips and clues five years later. One of the best and most valuable books I have ever read.