Rating: 
Summary: female bullying
Review: This book is long over due! It has to be one of the most important books on female social behavior I've ever read. Author Rachel Simmon's explains in graphic detail how boys tend to bully acquaintances or strangers but girls attack within tightly knit friendship networks, making aggression harder to identify and intensifying the damage to the victims so the impact can be felt well into adulthood. Females fight with what is called "relational aggression": the silent treatment, exclusion, mean looks, rumor spreading, ganging up on a girl, manipulating relationships. In a girl's world, friendship is a weapon. A fist is weak when compared to the humiliation of a day of silence and rejection. There is no gesture more devastating than the back turning coldly away. Simmon offers advice on how to help young girls deal with this huge problem in our society. My only real disappointment with this book is it assumes this vicious behavior stops when girls grow up and become women. This simply is not true. I know too many grown women who behave this way. My neighbor's behavior fits the definition of "relational aggression" to a 'T' from the silent treatment and exclusion of her victims to the way she is overly concerned with her façade as a likable neighbor, wife, and mother. She is a wolf in lambs clothing. While the naïve decry school age girls as ruthless, I beg to differ, in adulthood, women are even worse, they are only more sophisticated at disguising their ruthless maneuvers.
Rating: 
Summary: Still Feeling Repercussions
Review: I had a very visceral response to this book. It took me back to a very painful time of life and a very confusing social dynamic. Sure, not every model of adolescent alienation is represented here - how could they be? But I saw myself in some of these stories. The most disturbing moment came upon realizing how many of these behaviors and coping mechanisms i have kept with me far into adulthood. The author does a great job of putting us as flies on the wall to get a sense of the motivation behind these behaviors and, and of how easy it is in adolescence (and the rest of life) to let the outer world distort your inner self. Conflict, and relationships for that matter, are not easy at any age, but this book really illuminates the emotional struggles of young women, and tries to offer some solutions.
Rating:
Summary: once again, my experience is defined out of existence
Review: I picked up this book hoping to understand my experience of being a social reject in grade school. You know, the one that the entire class turned on. The one who sort of had friends for a while, until I didn't have friends anymore. For more than a year, no one in my class would associate with me. I was too "weird". And the reality was, I WAS weird. I went through grade school in a fog, barely responding to the things other children said. My reactions were so "off" that in the end, I think they really couldn't figure out what to do with me. I found nothing to explain my life here. In fact, it is as though, once again, I do not exist. The author is so intent on proving her thesis about indirect aggression that she portrays all girls as victims. This may be true, but not to the same extent. Few have the experience of being socially cast out for a prolonged period of time. That's why research on the unpopular child exists. Unfortunately, there is no recognition of the devastating family problems that can lead to social failure, such as alcoholism and nasty divorces. Also, childhood physical and sexual abuse are not discussed at all. I believe the research shows that incest victims, for example, are at high risk of being unpopular because of the damage that incest does to character. I do not see any interviews with young incest victims in this book, though. This book describes the experience of most people. You know, the popular ones or the ones who were kind of in the middle in their class. The ones whose experience of being ostracized was brief, if it happened at all. I don't want to minimize their pain. In fact, I learned something about why so many people rejected me: because they were terrified that my failure could happen to them, too. This really helped give me some insight. But this book fails to address the type of girl I was. The one who had an asthma attack in the middle of a museum because no one would talk to me. Everyone knows this type of girl exists. No one, not even the adults, wants to have anything to do with her. It is as if she has leprosy, and people instinctively back away. As we all got older, I remember some of the other kids trying to help me. They seemed as confused as I was about my problems. Another aspect of unpopularity that I didn't see addressed here. I also don't remember my childhood (in a school for well-off Catholic children) as being this genteel. Kids traded insults all the time. I am concerned that all this stuff about "white girls don't do conflict" is just another stereotype. There is a lot of truth to it, but I am certain it does not tell the whole story. There is a lot of value in this book. The author documents some real problems with female relationships. She writes beautifully, and her advice is good. But she appears to ignore the people who are most desperate for help in her rush to reveal the pain of everyone. If everyone has a story, no one is in special need, and those of us who were most frightened are abandoned once again. There are some heartbreaking stories of social rejection in this book, and I really felt bad for these girls. But this illustrates the book's flaws, in my opinion. The author talks about the pain of Erin, a popular girl who was turned on because "she's all that". I felt horrible for Erin. But what about those of us who were the anti-Erin? We are not heard from here. In my opinion, the author defined her population poorly. She called this book "Odd Girl Out" not "the perils of female anger" or something like that. If you call a book "odd girl out," and you promise to discuss unpopularity, you have an obligation to address those of us who were the real losers. If the author was unwilling to do that, she should have called this book something else, and not made these promises, which she did not keep in my opinion. Also, anecdotal interviews, even with 300 girls, are not grounds for totally dismissing the research on unpopularity (what little of it that exists anyway). With all of this criticism, I am still giving the book 4 stars, for the author's courage in discussing this still-taboo subject. And her writing ability, which is extraordinary. But I want to warn all readers that those children who are most desperate for help (and those who care about them) should look elsewhere for assistance. You will not find much help here, in my opinion.
Rating:
Summary: Own Your Voice
Review: While Ms. Simmons says, "There is a hidden culture of girls' aggression in which bullying is epidemic, distinctive, and destructive," I must say that this is not new - as epidemic implies. Girl bullying has been around as long as the industrial age has been around. And I believe that this continues throughout women's lives, if they continue to place societal and mother/daughter expectations before listening to their inner selves.
Girls and women put such a high price on their self-esteem, based upon pleasing their friends, that often, if they were to slow down, and truly think about what a friendship freely gives: A commitment to tell the other what you think, judge, feel, value, love, honor, hate, fear, desire, hope for, believe in, and are committed to - without reprisal, they would see that they have spent their lives making soul bribes, based upon unspoken rules about disowning yourselves. Another interesting point is that girls and women often say that guys don't have true friends, because many guys based their friendships upon whether or not they do some activity, such as play golf together, from time to time. The complaint comes from the fact that these guys don't get into one another's psyche. And many wouldn't know if the other is having marital problems. Women and girls spend so much time pushing boys and mean to process their emotions and say what they mean, when in fact, if we were to look at how females act amongst one another, without the boys around, we would have to admit that most women and girls spend an incredible amount of time walking on egg shells around one another. Yes. There is a great deal of bounding that goes on. But, when their is a problem, do we talk about it to the point that we fully process it, int the presence of our friends? Or, do we minimize it, and change the subject, choking off our feelings, because we decide that we want too much? By 8 years old, we are socialized into the identity of disowning our authentic selves. And with this bargain, we set ourselves and future generations of girls up for self-destructive behavior. When it comes down to it, girls and women, or anyone who is willing to: give others the silent treatment; exclude others, without a discussion of why; give mean looks; gossip; or, gang up on a girl, can we say that we are any better off? I am so glad that there are books like this book. And I hope that mothers and daughters will read this together - followed by ongoing dialogues, and meeting with other mothers and daughters. Imagine a world where girls and women no longer worry about what one another thinks. Imagine the possibility of girls and women being able to say to one another, "I feel angry when someone does ... I would prefer that you ..." This takes practice, and acceptance of all that could happen. But I say that once we are willing to talk about this, and truly commit to being visible about what we have experienced, and the impact that this has had on us, we will rock this world!
Rating:
Summary: Some girls never outgrow it
Review: Even as a woman in my late 20's I continue to see this type of behavior among my peers. Particularly in the work context, I have observed: exclusion, silence and denials of alternative aggression. Afterall, the workplace is the adult equivalent to the social environment in schools and rules of courtesy and professionalism often prevents or discourages direct confrontation. I recommend this book to everyone whether they are a parent, a spouse, a co-worker, or a friend to any girl or woman. The devastating effects of betrayal by a close friend has impact on adults as well as children. I agree with other reviewers that Simmons could have gone deeper in her analysis of the cases, but the framework she has set forth is well thought out and groundbreaking.
Rating:
Summary: Fascinating
Review: I found this book to be incredibly interesting and informative.
I have often wondered why women seem to dislike each other so much. Many a female friend has told me "I just don't like women...all my friends are guys".
This book explains the various ways in which girls (the book focuses on teens) use relationships for manipulation and even punishment. The strive to be popular and conform to society's 'good girl' ideal often drive girls to more subtle and covert forms of bullying.
I agree with the author that acts of aggression beyond physical assault must be dealt with at some level. Especially after reading about how grown women still remembered losing friends or being outcast in highschool, years after the fact. I think it is highly important that teachers, parents, and peers work with and for young women. Relationships are not always easy ,for anyone, and at a time when they can make or break you, it is certainly worth taking a deeper look into the dynamics of girls relationships with other girls.
This is a highly useful and informative book for anyone.
Rating:
Summary: An important read
Review: This book brought back so many unpleasant memories of my own middle and high school years. I could relate to so many of the girls stories about exclusion and betrayal by trusted grilfriends. I found myself shaking my head and saying that Ms. Simmons was right on target on many points. For anyone who has a daughter, I think that this book would be an important part of their library. I also like that Ms. Simmons spoke to girls from many ethnic and economic backgrounds and not just middle and upper class girls from the suburbs.
I highly recommend this book.
Rating: 
Summary: Not Good.
Review: This is a terrible book on an interesting subject. Anecdotes do not data make. This is terrible science, bad social science, and I'm unconvinced by her analysis. There are other theories about gossip, for example, cf Robin Dunbar books for one--gossip is good and helps to strengthen important social networks. There are other theories about female-female competition besides that it is pathological bullying (which it obviously can't be since it is so common). While Simmons notices interesting things, she seems to have had some unfortunate blinkers on while considering what it is she has observed.
Simmons should look more widely at the role of status-seeking in primates as well as in human cultures to better understand what it is she is observing. Hrdy's wonderful Mother Nature would have given her a great model for integrating unique observations with science and anecdote. Fellow journalist Natalie Angier's wonderful books would have also given her additional perspectives. And Simmons would have done well to look at this subject of status-seeking in the context of behavioural economics and evolutionary psychology and anthropology, where there is already a great and wide ranging literature on status seeking and interpersonal aggression and sex differences. I get the feeling she stumbled on a cool idea and was smart enough to write this book, but she is remarkably uniformed. This is not original territory and while her perspective is catchy, framed as it were in everyone's most memorable stage of life, but ultimately it leads nowhere.
It's dull. Repetetive. Did I say repetitive? And repetitive.
Rating:
Summary: Must Read
Review: This book is a must read for just about everyone. I read it to understand girl relationships for my daughter, but the book was enlightening for me to reflect on my own relationships with girlfriends in the past and present.
I've suggested this book to other parents and teachers, and I've also referred to this book in my lectures.
Simmons gives a no holds barred discussion about the quiet aggression that girls exhibitd and how damaging this behaviour is. Girls do not always have to be nice and anger is a human emotion. This book would be best read first and then get Odd Girl Speaks and read it next.
Rating:
Summary: Some girls never outgrow it
Review: You know, I get so sick to death of scientists with their graphs, their figures, their boxes and numbers, because the majority of this research actually has very little real value. Have you ever seen any of the questions they ask these young people in that research? They have to classify on how many isolated occasions they are bullied during a day, a week, a month and the answers to that are all put in graphs. Bullying is generally classified by types such as physical bullying, exclusion, namecalling and so on. The problem with this method is that it assumes a whole number of things it should not assume! For a start, a lot of bullying does not happen in single isolated incidents but in an endless stream of small continual pinpricks, the sum of which cause a person unbelievable distress, but when a (young) person tries to explain what is going on they sound petty. "It was just a joke" What about hate campains, where everything is under the surface, where one person gets bumped into twenty times a day, stepped on, 'actidentally' pushed down the stairs, 'accidentally' hit over the head with a bag several times a day by different people, every single time followed by a 'oops, sorry about that'? What about the systematic putting down of someone through a whole range of little things, but by a (so-called) close friend, something that would not even be classified as bullying by the victim, even though it can be very abusive? How would that fit into any of these neat little boxes? The problem is that a lot of the bullying is so subtle that the victim is never quite sure whether they are imagining things and when they do stand up for themselves, they often get classed by teachers as a problem kid, rather than as a victim of harrassment by the rest of the group. Another problem with this research is that it assumes that the
split between bully and victim is very clear cut. I work in the performing arts with young people, specialising in socio economically disadvantaged areas, where bullying is a big issue and I can tell you from experience that this is definately not the case. An entire gruop, including the school administration, the teachers, the parents, they are ALL part of this bullying culture, either by tolerating it or by actively pursuing it. If one kid makes a nasty joke, isn't there a whole class to cheer him or her on? And the cheerers, how many of those cheer because they fear they may be next? There are many teachers who function by picking on one kid and using and abusing this kid on a continual basis to keep a class quiet. What appears on a graph? Not much bullying going on, is there, just one annoying kid throwing around accusations, not to be taken seriously. None of the other kids back him up, do they? But what is that teacher teaching those kids? It was about time that a scientist took the effort to go back to square one and look at what is actually going on in schools, to redefine bullying, based on what they see rather than assume and that is exactly what Rachel Simmons did. So why does she not work with these precious little numbers? Because what she has to say does not fit into little numbers. Because she actually listened to these girls and did not tell them to squeeze their experiences into what she had decided was happening to them. I think this book is fantastic. I am working on a big project next year, using theatre techniques to combat bullying cultures and have done a lot of research so far. This is the single most useful book I have found. It reads easily, the anekdotes are good, and every step of the way I can hear myself think - yes, I recognise that - but she managed to put it in words and in context. She defines girl-bullying as different from boy bullying and you can agree with these gender theories or not, what remains is that her book gives incredibly powerfull descriptions of an aspect of bullying that needs to be explored. Lastly, responding to one of the other reviews: Rachel Simmons is in my opinion not stating that girls should go out and hit people, expressing their agression. What I read is that they, unlike boys, are denied an outlet for their agression by society, which I believe is very true. It is considered unacceptable for a girl to vent agression, as is accaptable for boys. That does not mean it is right for boys to vent their agression through hitting, or that girls should be allowed to, Simmons is just stating the reasons for girls taking their agression underground.
We need to find NEW accaptable ways for young people to vent their agression, ways that do not hurt others.
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