Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls

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Summary: Please Get This Book to Ireland!
Review: I am an American living in a very small town in Ireland. I bought this book in response to some traumatic events which affected my eight year-old daughter earlier this year, and which ultimately formed the catalyst for my decision to move my family back to the States, which we will be doing in a few weeks. After my daughter's experience, I talked to other mothers, and took time to observe the general social behavior of the girls (and boys) in my daughter's class. I was horrified. Emotional, verbal and physical bullying was rampant and unchecked. And worse yet, everyone knew it, but accepted it as inevitable. I gave the book to a friend and then went in search of additional copies to give to my daughter's teacher, principal and other mothers. However, there is no wholesaler in Ireland who provides the book so it can only be obtained by special order. This book has not only been beneficial in helping me help my daughter deal with an emotionally devastating ordeal, but helped me to finally gain some closure on some adolescent wounds which have remained raw for more than 20 years. PLEASE GET THIS BOOK OVER HERE!!!

Rating:
Summary: great topic, flawed analysis & presentation
Review: Yes, aggressive behavior in girls is an interesting and important topic to investigate. Yes, aggressive behavior in girls can cause lasting damage, or at least lasting memories, to victims. However, if you wish to change a behavior--particularly one so very basic and pervasive as aggression and its expression, you had jolly well better understand it. Ms. Simmons seems to fall short here. Her untutored use of informants is entertaining, but unenlightening. Where are her statistics? Where are her cultural comparisons? Her examination of the history of female aggression? Where is all the latest data on, for example, Gossip, or, Shunning, the process of Friend-Making, or Social Leveling Mechanisms? (She says it does not exist; it does.) Her book is less a scholarly work drawing upon psychology, sociology, anthro or evolutionary psychology than it is a rant. If your daughter is the victim of female-female aggression--or the perpetrator--this book will not help you understand enough about the dynamics of those interactions to be of any use. It will merely assure you that others have had the same experiences. The best that can be said for Ms. Simmons' book is that it draws attention to an interesting subject, one worthy of much deeper, more intelligent and more practical investigation.

Rating:
Summary: Poignantly Redundant
Review: Simmons writes in a direct manner, however, I sometimes get the feeling that this straightforward style forced her to fill the pages with the same thing over and over. After a while, you just kind of get the point and every chapter seems to be only slightly variant than the last. I suppose this could be expected as it is difficult to make arbitrary divisions within such a closely knit and layered topic. Nonetheless, this book is the ideal look into the real, social, and duplicit lives of girls.

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Summary: Important topic, poor execution
Review: Ms. Simmons explores a fascinating topic--or at least I thought so, till I began reading. Her book suffers from two fatal flaws: 1) Endless, repetitive complaining from less-than-articulate girls in the 10-to-16 set [who need to have their meaning explained in brackets], and 2) the author's totally unsupported accusations that their manipulative, sociopathic behavior is all the fault of that nasty ol' male-dominated culture. Boo-hoo! This assertion is weakened by Simmons' own admission that this cruel streak in girls cuts across the entire socioeconomic spectrum, and is refuted when many of her quotees admit that they aren't influenced by--in fact, distrust--images and role models presented by popular culture. She fails to present any control groups--girls raised in a supportive, equally-gendered environments and therefore, do not display this petty, self-centered, oversensitive worldview. I wished she'd let her teens and pre-teens shut up and bring in some adult voices who might explain this phenomenon. Blaming society for one's ills is an age-old, shopworn way of evading the need for personal ethics and responsibility, and just because these "victims" are young and female doesn't make it any more valid.

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Summary: Interesting
Review: I bought this book, read it and could pinpoint times when and persons to whom the stuff the author writes about happened. I think this book certainly is insightfull in the way it describes the 'undercurrents' of the behaviour (some) girls show when they're amongst each other or how this 'thing' is always in the background waiting to attack (so to speak). And it makes clear how this - sometimes downright cruel - behaviour affects the 'odd girls out'. I recommend this book to everyone (not just the odd girls out)!!

Rating:
Summary: Good anecdotes but poor understanding of the behavior
Review: Odd Girl Out, while providing useful anecdotes of female aggression, falls short of offering a convincing explanation for the sex-differences in aggression seen among males and females. The idea that women or girls have no choice in how they express their anger is absurd. Women choose this strategy because it is less costly than physical aggression. Males also engage in social aggression when the opportunity arises that the payoff is greater than the cost compared to physical aggression, which is less often the case for women. And likewise, females utilize the strategy of physical aggression when the payoff is greater than the cost, for instance in a resource poor environment we see that women and girls are more willingly resort to physical conflict over resources (a fact that she uncovered in the book but failed to understand or explain to the audience - see Anne Campell's work for good scientific evidence and explanations on this topic).

Female aggression is not about the social abnormality of some girls to be bullies to others because they have been denied a physical or verbal outlet for anger. Females of all ages aggress because they are competing over resources. In some situations the resource is a bigger social network, or a better boyfriend, and in others it may be the favor of a powerful adult. In a social strategy, the best manipulators are the ones who gain the resources but don't pay the cost either because their attack is buffered by a large social network or because their deeds went unrealized by their competitor.

If all you want to do is read some instances of extreme cases where girls are not playing the social manipulation game well (evidenced by the fact that they are getting caught), then you will get plenty of great descriptive information. But keep in mind that the explanations are weak and lack scientific support. And as a final comment, I would add that Simmons blames society for not allowing girls to aggress "normally," which in her mind is physically or verbally, and yet she spends a few hundred pages painting a bleak picture, bent on a political agenda of breaking the cycle of relational aggression....the point being, she berates society for beating girls down and causing this social dilemma, but she is just as guilty of pushing girls into the "play nice" sex category by attempting to manipulate others into acting out against relational aggression and "girl bullies." So what are we leaving them with, they can't fight, they can't argue, and now they can't gossip....I wonder which avenue they will make for themselves next, our creative crafty little girls, because the only way to get them to stop competing is to take away the resource, and this simply cannot be done.

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Summary: It's not just for women
Review: As a male and father of two boys, I found Odd Girl Out informative about aspects of girls' behavior I had always found puzzling. The examples are plentiful and the practical orientation interesting, but my primary interest is in understanding how girls relationships function and in the social dynamics that, among other things, leads to the particular forms of meanness that Rachel Simmons documents. The emphasis on hidden aggression does shed light on what is going on, though it is not central -Simmons indicates that the importance of relationships themselves to girls is central, and that willingness of make relationships secondary or at risk is key to coping with hidden aggression. While the author admirable ties her work to the current studies available, that's not saying much. Some broader perspective -- historical, anthropological, and theoretical -- would be welcome. The discussions of variations by race and class are useful.

The most immediately practical benefit to me will be to be able to recognize the consequences of hidden aggression in a specific girl for what they are and to avoid mistakes in dealing with them.

Rating:
Summary: Definitely hard to read
Review: I was very interested in reading this book but am dismayed to find my interest waning with each day I attempt to plow through all of the details and interviews. "I don't think the book was well-written, and did not flow well from beginning to end, just restated the premise again and again with more vignettes." - I couldn't agree more laschnell (previous reviewer). A well written book can be such a joy to read, but I'm sad to say that I have to force myself to read this one - like forcing myself to have a spoonful of cod liver oil 'cause it's good for me. Not only was the content editing much too sparse, there were quite a few grammatical and spelling errors as well. Tsk Tsk. That said, the subject matter is fascinating and definitely of importance. It certainly brings to mind some of my own childhood experiences, and helps to shed some light on them. My bottom line: I would recommend this book for the subject matter, but caution that it's a slow read.

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Summary: Secular Psychology Sometimes Gets it (Partly) Right
Review: I thought that the case studies in this book were sadly fascinating in their cruelty, but very true. (Just ask any teacher who has girls in her classroom). I asked a few women that I know, from different generations, if they had similar experiences to those mentioned in the book. From the few (6 or 7) people that I talked to, the older (closer to the WWII generation) the woman was, the less likely she was to have experienced such incredible cruelty from girls. My own analysis is that once again we can thank the entertainment industry for the way it has reinforced the meanness that is in each of us, by regularly presenting catty and devious characters in advertising, TV, and movies. It can't help but affect young people.

I noticed that the book has a bias, not always subtle, against people of faith, or with "religious restrictions". Typical of books like this, there was also a strong secular feminist viewpoint, especially near the end.

However, in spite of the biases, the author came to at least three conclusions that are 100% Biblical, although she didn't report them as such. (Sometimes these conclusions were reinforced by psychologists who were able to see the truth when it hit them between the eyes!)
I. Sin comes naturally to us. (Romans 3: 9, Romans 6: 19, Romans 3: 23). (The actual word "sin" will not be found in these pages).
II. It's best to deal with people directly when there is a problem. Those who do fare better. (Matthew 18: 15).
III. Aggression and relationship difficulties help us grow and become stronger. (Romans 8: 28, Genesis 50: 20, Isaiah 38: 17).

I think that this book is useful for parents and teachers. Page 239 in chapter 9 has some great questions to open up communication between mothers and daughters, or teachers and students, about ways that girls show meanness. Chapter 9 also has some great tips for helping adults know what to say to girls who are going through a bullying trial.

It makes me smile when I see all the effort that goes into studying human nature, especially when the conclusions are largely on target with what the Bible says. Sadly, our culture is so Biblically ignorant, that these findings are new and surprising.

Rating:
Summary: groundbreaking and important
Review: Aggression has always been assumed to be a problem only in male circles of friends, where disagreements are often visibly and violently resolved, both at home and in school. Females of all ages are held to certain expectations of niceness, calmness, and friendliness with one another. Within our schools throughout the past, and certainly now, that assumed niceness among girls is not as common as many parents, teachers, and researchers would hope to find. Although it often manifests itself in different forms, the level of aggression, as Rachel Simmons details in her book, Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, is much higher than any of us may have imagined. This book offers "a glimpse of the back alleys and hidden corners of girl bullying, to begin the process of naming and understanding it. The difference in comparison to male patterns, as Simmons explains, is that female patterns of aggression s are usually much more discrete, much harder for those uninvolved to see, or to detect. This hidden aggression has developed as a result of the cultural expectations of girls in our society. Young females are often forced to put forth two personalities; the nice, non-aggressive personality which is used in the presence of adults. The harsh, mean, back-stabbing personality used to express their anger is used in relation to peers, in order to gain control and popularity.

Within circles of female friends in most school environments, as Simmons excellently exposes in her research, there is a constant battle for friendship, popularity, and belonging with the certain cliques, or groups. The constant struggle to belong forces young girls to rely on methods of teasing, rumor-spreading, alliance building, and secret-sharing, in effort to win the friendship of those students who are most popular. Through speaking to hundreds of young girls, currently involved in the harmful workings of female aggression, along with adults who were subject to the harmful effects of female aggression as young girls, Simmons was able to uncover the harmful ways in which girls use friendship as a weapon to gain control and inflict pain towards those with whom they are angry. The immense fear of being alone, or having no friends, is felt so strongly by young girls that they will often subject themselves to unhealthy friendships with aggressive peers rather than be alone.

The important question, we as parents and educators, must address is how to reform society as to allow girls a healthy outlet for their aggression. The discrete, non-aggressive personal attacks they are waging against one another daily in our schools is often more damaging than we have been willing to admit in the past. Simmons points out that we must allow our girls to express their anger and discontent with situations and with one another freely and outwardly. As we hear personal stories of how aggressive female bullies affected the lives of the many girls who offer their voices to this piece, we begin to understand the struggle between 'nice' and 'strong' that our society forces girls to deal with. Many channels for the expression of anger are eliminated within this struggle for young girls. "We are telling our girls to be bold and timid, voracious and slight, sexual and demure. We are telling them to hurry up and wait. But, as in the game of Twister, these girls eventually end up in impossible positions and collapse" (115). Any attempt at assertiveness, at standing up for oneself, as Simmons explains in Chapter 7, is viewed through the lens of traditional female roles as 'mean' or 'bitchy.'

The refusal of parents to address issued inherently embedded both the personalities of bullies and victims is discussed eloquently by Simmons near the end of the book, where she discusses the refusal of parents to admit that their children are not perfect. Whether it is their daughter who is being victimized, or who is doing the victimization, parents 'fear that others will judge their mothering abilities based on their children's behaviors or problems. This refusal to openly discuss the feelings associated with being bullied, forces young girls to bottle-up their emotions, and continue to put on the face of happiness and content.

This book tells the stories of many who have felt the pain of female aggression in many instances, and offers excellent suggestions on how parents, teachers, and girls themselves should deal with the aggressive, hurtful acts of other girls in their lives. Simmons certainly could have spent more time discussing ways in which we, as educators and adults, could lead society toward developing different expectations of female behavior, allowing girls a voice to express their feelings and anger, and releasing our young girls from the pressures of 'niceness' that have forever guided their actions. I also believe that her excellent work could have been raised to the next level is she could have spent more time researching and discussing the differences in aggressive patterns within schools not situated in middle class settings, where she spent a majority of her time.

Overall, I certainly recommend this book to many parents of female students, and to all teachers within the K-12 environment. An eye-opening look into what we have all seen or experienced in some form, ODD GIRL OUT: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls, begins the dialogue about alternative aggression, and provides and excellent platform for initiating the movement toward change.