Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Rating:
Summary: A MUST-READ
Review: This book is awesome. I was finally able to make sense of my verbally and emotionally abusive first marraige and how it affected everyone. It explains the thought process of an abusive person, and documents how the legal system continues the abuse. If you are a victim of abuse (past or present), an attorney, a judge, a victim's advocate, a police officer or a therapist, you MUST READ THIS BOOK!

Rating:
Summary: A MUST-READ if you are or were ever abused by your partner.
Review: This book is by far the best I've read on angry and controlling men, and how to deal with them. Controlling and abusive behavior can be quite confusing as well as infuriating, as abusers tend to use a large repertoire of manipulative tactics such as lying, projection, blackmail, denying being angry, and putting on a "Mr. Wonderful" act to the outside world, etc. "Why Does He Do That" is exceptionally well written, carefully explaining among other things: nine types of abusers; tactics abusive men use to manipulate their partners; early warning signs of abusive relationships; myths about abusers (such as the one that alcohol consumption causes abuse); the legal system and mental health professionals; the effect of abuse on boys and girls; how some families and certain aspects of society grooms boys to be future abusers; and how to help abused women. Bancroft even describes what to look for in men's groups for abusers and how to tell if the abuser is changing for real or is just pretending to change.

Prior to writing this book, Lundy Bancroft had been in the trenches for 15 years as a counselor in an abusive men's program. As a seasoned veteran of dealing with manipulative abusive individuals, Bancroft does an outstanding job of alerting the reader to their tactics and debunking common B.S. claims they make. His stories about his clients and the clients of colleagues are fascinating and provide poignant lessons for the reader. One woman had been in couple's counseling for 6 months with her husband and finally revealed that he was abusing her. Appearing on the verge of tears, the husband told the therapist that he had been in denial about his violence and hadn't been facing how badly it was hurting his wife. On the way home from the session, the husband kept one hand on the steering wheel and in the other clutched a large handful of his wife's hair, repeatedly slamming her into the dashboard as he gave her a screaming, expletive-filled lecture for revealing the abuse to someone outside the family. Bancroft strongly recommends against couples counseling for abusers and any program which recommends that the abused individual unilaterally changes her behavior in hopes he'll change too. This type of therapy doesn't work and can even be counterproductive for reasons Bancroft explains in detail, and the abuser often ends up charming the therapist who may end up siding with the abuser. Besides, abusers often are fairly well versed in anger management skills and conflict resolution. They simply don't respect their partner enough to bother using these skills.

Other books are often good at describing abusive behavior, but this book describes not only what they do, but why they do it and how these men think. When Dr. Phil sees an undesirable behavior, he asks, "What's the payoff?" I.e. what rewards is the perpetrator reaping from behaving this way? Unlike the other books I've read on abuse, Bancroft thoroughly explains what these abusers are getting from the behavior. Unfortunately, the rewards are so powerful, that many abusers refuse to do the hard work of changing their attitudes and behavior. Another important reason the behaviors are so entrenched, Bancroft points out, is that is that abusive men were often conditioned from an early age to feel entitled to be a privileged character in relationships where the partner caters to them. The abuser's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, as well as double standards. One common double standard is that only the abuser is allowed to express anger in the relationship, but not his partner.

This book provides good news and bad: The good news is that abusive behavior is understood like never before and is a solvable problem. The bad news is that it generally requires a serious commitment by the abuser to go through every step of a quality program for abusers. Even for abusers who enroll in a such a program, only a small percentage bother to do every step of the difficult, uncomfortable work of change. If your abuser doesn't think he has a problem, his prognosis for change is ZERO.

A couple small quibbles, but these in no way detract from the book: (1) I'd like to see more writing devoted to the tactics of passive-aggressive abuse. Bancroft mentions that it's common for men in his program, once they realize abuse will no longer be tolerated in their home, to switch tactics from overt abuse to passive-aggressive. But beyond that, he doesn't cover it much. (2) Bancroft mentions other professionals in the abuse field whose work he admires, and also some things in the literature he disagrees with. I would have preferred it if he named the authors and books he disagrees with.

I can't recommend this book highly enough, particularly to individuals who are or suspect they are in an abusive relationship and the individuals who care about them, women with have a history of abusive relationships who want to break the pattern, mental health and legal professionals who deal with abuse, and parents of sons who don't want them indoctrinated by the media, family and friends to be abusers themselves.

P.S. Thank you Lundy Bandcroft for writing this book. You've done humanity a great service.


Rating:
Summary: Outstanding/life-saving!
Review: This book is outstanding; defining abuse, debunking the reasons for it; educating and empowering the reader. The author states his reason for writing this work is for the abused; to let them know what is happening, why it is happening, and especially important, that there is nothing wrong with them. It is the problem of the abuser, not the abused. A must read for everyone- to avoid, to handle, to escape the abuser out there. Wow.

Rating:
Summary: Exceptional Insights, Compassionate Support
Review: This book stands out as an exceptionally compassionate, understanding, insightful look into controlling relationships and the men who operate them. Lundy Bancroft's writing is clear and well-organized, and always full of compassion for the women who, like myself, are or have been unfortunate enough to be involved with these men.
Over the years I have read a number of books on this subject trying to understand why these men act the way they do. This book finally and fully illuminates the mind of this type of man. Not an easy read for those of us who have lived it, but absolutely necessary. Every page rings true, very painfully at times, but also very healing.
I have read some excellent and helpful books, but this one finally reached into my soul and disabused me of the idea that controllers do their damage unwittingly. The author's compassion and respect for women is evident throughout and is both touching and strengthening. The clarity he brings to what constitutes a man truly desiring to change is invaluable. I urge anyone trying to "work it out" with a controller to read this book NOW.
I HIGHLY recommend this book and wish it were required reading for every judge who deals with divorce, PFA's, and child custody issues. Perhaps one day it shall be.

Rating:
Summary: Best book to date on this topic
Review: This is a remarkable book which dissolves the many myths both personal and social which surround abuse of women by men.

By identifying the ways in which victims are compromised and their self-worth and world presence eroded over time, Bancroft exposes the various means men use to control and debase women.

He has considerable experience of working with abusive men from all backgrounds, and insight into why traditional anger management or therapeutic methods do not work to stop men abusing women.

Anyone who has ever been victimised or witnessed another's helplessness at the hands of an abuser will recognise each page and scenario in this book, and cheer roundly that someone at last found the complete text of words to identify and confront this painful, complex issue.

Rating:
Summary: 10 stars
Review: This is not just another self-help book. This book is a towering achievement, the distillation of all the insight and wisdom the author has gained through more than 15 years of work with abusive and controlling men. The title is an accurate description of the contents: it takes you inside the minds of controlling men to show you why they behave the way they do. The picture that emerges is startlingly clear, and it rings true on every page. It is beautifully written, straightforward, compassionate and insightful. It is also a work of genuine scholarship. Lundy Bancroft's book is a gift to suffering humanity.

Rating:
Summary: Valuable resource for those supporting abused women
Review: This review is from the point of view of someone who has a friend in an emotionally abusive relationship.

After reading this book you will clearly understand why the abusive man behaves the way he does, the thinking behind his behavior, and what he has to do to change. This book will help you understand how the man makes the abused woman feel and why she gives him so many chances. Outwardly, the abuser may seem to be a great guy; you may find that you *like* the abuser. Bancroft helps you see through the abuser's charming public facade.

There's a highly useful section on how to support an abused woman that doesn't ignore the frustration you will feel if you find yourself in this position.

The book is well-organized and lucidly written. Highly recommended. If you have a friend in an abusive relationship, or are in one yourself, you will be very glad you read this book.

Rating:
Summary: Because he can!
Review: When most women ask "why does he do that," they are searching for an answer that will help them to make an abusive relationship better. This book makes it very clear that the answer to the question has nothing to do with the abusive man's partner, and everything to do with a sick and destructive need for complete control over another human being.

I have read a number of books about abuse and control, and many of them are very good at deconstructing the dynamic between a controller and his victim. The difference for me is that many of those books have been by women who treat victims. This is a book by a man who has worked with batterers. I am not disparaging the work of women (and men) who work with victims--I was once one of them. What I am saying is that, as I read this, I felt a deep sense of validation, that the "other side" of the story, which many books get at through stories with victims, isn't something imagined or theorized. Controllers do know what they are doing. They understand that it hurts. They don't want to change. And I and other victims cannot change them. An outline of the specifics of abusive and controlling men makes it very clear that the "circle of influence" for women does not extend to the abuser. It may sound cliche to say you must save yourself, but after reading the many facets of abuse and the way they surface, a victim will understand will great clarity that her precious energy must be used to care for herself and her children. And pulling back that energy, for me, has been a critical step in surviving.

And for going through the family court system, if that is what a woman chooses to do. The other unique and invaluable aspect of this book is the way in which it pinpoints how the family court system--law enforcement, judges, lawywers, GALs--can and often does revisit the trauma of abuse on the victim by becoming triangulated with the offender. A woman who thinks she will find accountability in the family court system may be in for a big surprise. This book can prepare a woman for the reality of the process and help her anticipate what tactics her abuser may engage in. It is daunting, but had I had this book several years ago, my own experience might have been different.

This book is easy to read but I have underlining and notes on every page. Even after the fact it has helped me to understand my own situation better, and to give me hope for the life I can give my child. I recommend it strongly.

Rating:
Summary: Should Be Required Reading for All Women
Review: When someone is a victim of chronic abuse, they inevitably end up doubting themselves. The abuser takes advantage of this by invading the victim's identity. He tries to replace her reality with his. He creates countless misconceptions to get her to doubt herself. He keeps her mentally and emotionally off-balance and maintains control more easily in this way.
In my personal experience, perhaps the most upsetting aspect of abuse is how society adopts the abuser's perspective. There are many people that inadvertently perpetuate the abuser's arguments. Just because "he's the father of your children," or "you made a vow: 'til death do you part," does not entitle him to be abusive. Society needs to hold the abuser accountable. If someone takes a neutral stand, they are basically supporting the abuser and abandoning the victim. Everyone should remember that most abusers almost never "seems like the type."
The abuser quickly learns how to manipulate those that his partner might turn to for support, including the legal system. His objective is to prevent her from getting help, while concurrently striving to avoid accountability. His distorted reality sounds very plausible to those not well versed with the inner workings of an abusive mentality.
If the legal system fails to hold abusers accountable, the abuse and violence will escalate. No woman or their children should have to live the life of the abuse victim. Abuse is a problem that can be solved. As a society, we need to become more educated about what it takes to make an abuser stop. Because the abuser's primary weapon is the distortion of the life and mind of his partner, the answer is to help her re-orient her thinking towards herself and her children.
We can all make a significant positive impact on an abuse victim if we simply are the total opposite of what the abuser is: we must be non-judgmental, non-critical, supportive, and consistent. An abuse-free world is so full of potential. Everyone can play a role in ending abuse. A good place to start is by reading this book to learn about the excuses and myths that abusive men have used as armor and ammunition for too long.

REFERENCE
Bancroft, Lundy. Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

Rating:
Summary: Packed with useful and applicable tools for anyone
Review: whether they are in an abusive situation or are just human. I have read Bancroft's work and I respect his simple 'dead on' explantions of 'Why he does that". I have ONlY one complaint: although the extreme physical violence is usually perpetrated by men (over 90% that is reported), there are a large number of emotional and verbally abusive women out there--the title only says 'he', which only imples males.
Bancroft's presentation of the dynamics of abusive, controlling behavior in almost flawless. Excellent resource.