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Summary: What an amazing book
Review: Every type of abuse is in this book and he has all the answers to every question you could possibly think of asking him.Lundy Bancroft really knows what he's talking about. I could not put this book down. You find yourself saying " So that's why he does that or So that's why he behaves that way??" There's just so much helpful information in this book and it's worth every penny. A must read for all women.
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Summary: A Must Read
Review: For anyone who has tried and tried and tried to either understand, make peace with, or HOPE an angry/controlling man will CHANGE... YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK.... Reading this book has started me on a path to being in charge of my own life for the first time in many years. This book is clear and concise yet its message is very powerful. Angry and Controlling men are very very difficult to live with and almost impossible to change--why should they??--they almost ALWAYS get what they want one way or another. Their sense of entitlemant and almost total lack of empathy makes them very poor choices for a loving and respectful relationshp. The author addresses the dynamics of living with an angry and controlling man in a honest, direct manner borne of a lot of experience. It is easy to read, understand and; unfortunately for some of us, easy to identify with.
Reading this book is very affirming and validating to women who live with and endure someone who is angry and controlling.
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Summary: Please read this book
Review: For many years, I asked how could he do that, and is it really me? I worked on learning not to get upset with his cruel, unfeeling and manipulative behavior becasue he avowed he loved me; he said it was just something wrong with me that I could not perceive that.
If that sounds familiar at all, please read this book. There really are men who need to belittle and control you all while claiming you're the one with a problem. I lived in a marriage like that for 30 years, doubting my perceptions and sanity. Ten years after getting out of that, I am happy and know even better after reading this book, it was NOT me. If you wonder why does he do that, you CAN be free.
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Summary: Excellent, very informative
Review: I absolutely love this book. It has helped me to see the truth about my relationship with my husband. One of the things which I like most about this book is that it's written by a man. The author has worked with abusive men, and he knows what he's writing about. He's very straightforward. The included lists are very helpful--myths about abusers, abusive attitudes, warning signs, etc. The "safety plan" for leaving the abuser is particularly helpful. The steps which an abuser must take to actually change is also included. This book is very good at describing what abuse IS. For example, grabbing, restraining, blocking your path, threatening physical harm (even if he doesn't actually carry out the threat) is physical abuse. These are all things which my husband has done. It is such a relief to know that someone has actually labelled these behaviors as abuse. (Although, at the same time, it's frightening to discover the awful truth, when I realize that my husband is, in fact, abusive.) I recommend this book to all women who feel they are being abused. I also highly recommend it to therapists--I think it should be required reading for all of them.
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Summary: From a Domestic Abuse counselor
Review: I am a counselor at a domestic abuse shelter, and wish I could afford to give this book to every woman who walks through our door. One of the many reasons women stay stuck in abusive relationships is because they are "trying to figure him out" so they can make him happy, and make him change. Mr. Bancroft explains clearly why this is an exercise in futility. I was also very pleased to read his detailed accounts of the damage done to children in abusive homes, even if the abuser never touches them. IF HE'S ABUSING MOM, HE'S ABUSING THE KIDS --because they have to deal with seeing and hearing everything he does(which they do), and because his behavior wreaks havoc with family dynamics. If you work in this field, have any dealings with domestic abuse through the legal system, are a victim, or simply want to understand "what keeps her in this relationship" and "why does he DO that", then I encourage you to READ THIS BOOK! It is excellent.
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Summary: This book Gave 10 steps to see if an abuser is Changing!
Review: I have been in a marriage less than four years, but it has been up, and down, back and forth the entire time. I kept thinking there is something I could do, something I could say... ANYTHING to help our relationship. All of my time and energy was being drained by my controlling and abusive, and yes, even Cheating husband!! Lundy Bancroft clearly states the 10 signs to look for, to see if he is truly changing. Mine did the first couple.. and then just as Mr. Bancroft mentions will happen, held onto his own sense of entitlement and refused to change any further. Why? Because he thought he could get away with it again! Without this book I would have stayed thinking he was trying to change. NOt anymore! With this book, I could see the abuser needs to take 10 full steps to change and become non controlling!! My Abuser still didn't allow me to be angry at him when he hurt me. Bancroft states that most abusers won't do this. My Abuser still didn't make me his true partner and equal. He acted like giving me just a teeny bit was more than fair, and expected me to believe his point of view. Because of this book I could clearly see that the small changes My husband was making were just that.. Small! And not what is needed for a healthy and real change. Bancroft also states the best way to get an abuser to change is to leave for awhile.. And then if you decide to go back, and he acts controlling again, leave again for a much longer time. It is true, most abusers won't change. I am divorcing my husband after giving him many chances to change and treat me better. This book has been a great relief... I highly recommend it. It says that abusers are not unable to change, they are unwilling to. That pretty much hits the nail on the head!
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Summary: This book explains it all.
Review: I have been in a relationship with a violent man for 20 years His family is the same way - they all feel very "entitled" and that their violence toward everyone (sometimes their wives) is justified and they were the victims who were "driven" to act this way. The abuse isn't just physical - it's emotional, mental, manipulative.....insidious. After reading countless books, this is the book that finally explains it so clearly for me. I am amazed at how Mr. Bancroft KNOWS the games, the vulgar phrases, the attitudes and more. I cry when reading it sometimes because it's as if he is writing about my husband and his family. I know that it wasn't just me, that I wasn't too sensitive or crazy. When I begin to feel weak and "guilty" about my leaving him, I just pick up the book and it helps get me back on track - moving forward with my children toward a healthier and happier life.
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Summary: Why This Books Addresses the Real Problem
Review: I have been involved in treating and researching spouse abuse since 1982. Not only have I conducted my own research in this field but I have reviewed most of the research published on spouse abuse treatment programs. While many treatments are somewhat effective, nowhere have I seen addressed the core cognitions that drive and perpetuate the aggressor's behavior in the partnership until now. The author has clearly laid out the thoughts and behaviors of the abuser in a way that is helpful not only to partners but also to professionals who have little experience in this area or who have inadvertently committed the errors that the author describes. By far the best book I have read on the subject.
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Summary: Wife receives Wake-Up Call!!!
Review: I have been married for six years to a man who has become increasingly abusive--emotionally, verbally, financially, and sexually. I fell into a major depression this year, close to a nervous breakdown. I went to counseling for years and sought intervention from numerous people. My husband told me it was all "me". A social worker told me that he saw warning signs of physical violence in the relationship. I went to the bookstore and discovered Mr. Bancroft's book. It confirmed everything I feared, I am an abused wife! I am a strong, independent, professional, educated woman! How could this happen?! I don't know that yet, but it's done and I'm responding. This book has been an incredible resource for me in answering to the manipulation and control of my husband. I have left him and I am SAFE! I thank God for Lundy Bancroft and his work.
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Summary: Simply a MUST read!
Review: I have just finished reading (most of) this book. As a "self-help" book, this book is very user friendly and easy to read. I actually started with chapter 5, then 14, then started at the beginning and worked my way through. It is set up to allow easy access to the information that is most pertinent to your needs--quickly. The author uses language that is at a comfortable reading level and he manages to convey--throughout the book, support, compassion, and encouragement for the women everywhere who are living with angry and/or controlling men. On a more personal level, I cannot begin to describe the feelings swirling inside of me at this moment. As I read, the lightbulbs in my head just kept coming on; the real situation in my life just kept getting more and more clear (a nice change!). The book is simply stunning; I am unable to think of a better way to describe it. I was stunned over and over, but clearly see the truth in what the author is saying--especially as I look back over the past few years from this new vantage point. If you are living with someone who is often (usually unexpectedly) angry at you and seems to want everything done his way...if you are beginning to doubt your perceptions of reality in the relationship, if it sometimes seems like your relationship is spinning out of control and you don't know why, if you find yourself working harder and harder to "fix" the relationship to no avail...if your partner has ever touched you in any way you didn't like, if you've ever wondered if you are in an abusive relationship...get this book. Hide it if you have to, have it sent to a friend's house even, but read this book. If you love someone you suspect may be in this type of relationship, read this book--especially note the chapter about creating an abuse free world. This chapter gives wonderful, practical advice about what you can, and cannot, do to help. Thank you to the author for his wonderful insights into the realities of these men and for his compassionate approach to the subject.
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