Rating: 
Summary: DANCING FOR THE "DEAF".
Review: In searching for the true me, I came upon these books through reccommendation of a friend, who happens to be a councelor. I had read them again and again, finding new things out about myself each time. The subject matter, at times, was very difficult to read, due to the feelings it stirred from within me. Confronting real truths is a hard thing to do. However, the healing began with understanding "the dance". I would have never thought of it as a dance, because, looking back, I can not recall learning the steps to the dance, for I lived it everyday. We all become victums of what we live. The hope is in the future of who we can choose to become. We can change our pasts into brighter futures, and the books that Harriet Lerner has written will help anyone to do this. Not just women. I feel that I never really felt the beat before, maybe it is because I was "deaf" from past hurts. This will offer a new beginning and open your eyes, ears, and heart. I have lent all three of my books to others...Anger, Intimacy, and Deception, and non of them have ever been returned to me, for those people have passed them on to others as a helping tool as well. Some day I want to get these books again to keep in my own library. However, those who have read them, I wish you the best, and hope it helps you out as much as it has helped me. Thank you Ms. Lerner. What a difference you have made in my life. May new readers find comfort in finding and accepting the "Real Truth". It's worth the time and pain. Most of all you are worth it.
Rating:
Summary: DANCING FOR THE "DEAF".
Review: In searching for the true me, I came upon these books through reccommendation of a friend, who happens to be a councelor. I had read them again and again, finding new things out about myself each time. The subject matter, at times, was very difficult to read, due to the feelings it stirred from within me. Confronting real truths is a hard thing to do. However, the healing began with understanding "the dance". I would have never thought of it as a dance, because, looking back, I can not recall learning the steps to the dance, for I lived it everyday. We all become victums of what we live. The hope is in the future of who we can choose to become. We can change our pasts into brighter futures, and the books that Harriet Lerner has written will help anyone to do this. Not just women. I feel that I never really felt the beat before, maybe it is because I was "deaf" from past hurts. This will offer a new beginning and open your eyes, ears, and heart. I have lent all three of my books to others...Anger, Intimacy, and Deception, and non of them have ever been returned to me, for those people have passed them on to others as a helping tool as well. Some day I want to get these books again to keep in my own library. However, those who have read them, I wish you the best, and hope it helps you out as much as it has helped me. Thank you Ms. Lerner. What a difference you have made in my life. May new readers find comfort in finding and accepting the "Real Truth". It's worth the time and pain. Most of all you are worth it.
Rating: 
Summary: Some helpful information and the gift of a common vocabulary
Review: It may sound pop-psych. It may sound trendy, but there is something to the idea that successful relationships, harmful or healthy, involve the participants moving in tandem. When one tries to change the steps, perhaps toward a healthier mode of behavior and relating, the other partner is likely to try anything to return to the common "dance." It IS helpful to identify these patterns, whatever name you want to give it, whatever "hook" or "spin." Having a common language to identify these behavior patterns is helpful, above all, if that's the only thing you get from the book, though I believe there's much more here than that.
Rating: 
Summary: Needs more focus on abusive relationships
Review: Most of the book is very helpful and compassionately explores how to connect better with the people who can not only push your buttons, but made them in the first place.However, I was extremely disappointed with the chapter on mother-daughter relationships. Lerner writes, "Our mothers have ... lived with impossible and crippling expectations about their role." Well, my mother physically abused me. I hardly think that my anger at her "stems naturally from a society which assigns mothers the primary responsibility for all family problems." I had read this chapter hoping to get more insight into how to set limits - physical, verbal, and emotional - and instead I learn that really, I just need to understand her better. I've tried to figure her out my whole life! There are two case studies on inappropriate family behavior that I found helpful, one on an alcoholic father and one on brother-sister incest. I notice though that both of the these studies focus on *men* mistreating *women*, because that fits into the author's ideology (let me stress also that I'm a strong feminist, but that doesn't change the power dynamics in my family). I also think that there should be some acknowledgement of how damaging abuse is to the child, even in adulthood, and how hard it can be to hold onto that when faced with your abuser. It took me years of therapy before I could see that no, it's not appropriate for a mother to rip her daughter's shirt off and kick her out of the house because the mother had a bad day at work. While there are bits and pieces that acknowledge abuse and the importance of self-protection, it's not enough overall.
Rating:
Summary: Needs more focus on abusive relationships
Review: Not just for women I was recommended Harriet Lerner's "Dance of Intimacy" from a friend and am so glad I read it. It was well crafted and enlightening to me and did not trivialize the problems of complex relationships as some self-help books tend to do. As a man though, I feel the book dates itself with feminist bias and generalizations towards men that do not contribute to the theme of the book - that of working through complex obstacles to intimacy in key relationships. I almost stopped reading the book on the very first chapter because of statements like "...women do far better alone than do their male counterparts and do not benefit as much from marriage. Yet men often seem oddly unconcerned about improving or changing a relationship once they have one." I grant some people feel that way, but it was an attitude that might alienate some readers who would clearly benefit from this book. I am very glad I continued reading because the author does an excellent job of relating real life experiences of those with challenging obstacles to intimacy and how they courageously overcame them. There were times were I honestly had a "wow - it makes perfect sense" moments while reading this. The author's logic is well articulated and engaging. I especially appreciate how the author does not condescend the reader or oversimplify the case studies - they are real, relatable, and very challenging. Some of the suggestions from Lerner are difficult to apply but the author makes a convincing argument why these suggestions must be heeded for someone to successfully navigate the intimacy obstacles they might face. I believe that men can and will get a lot out of this book, but it needs to be updated to post-feminist and less gender specific. All of the case studies in the book were relatable I believe to all people, not just women and I would frankly love for more men to read this. It is a pity more books of this type aren't gender neutral or at least written towards men because challenges with intimacy is not just something for women alone to deal with.
Rating:
Summary: Not just for women, men should read this too!
Review: Not just for women I was recommended Harriet Lerner's "Dance of Intimacy" from a friend and am so glad I read it. It was well crafted and enlightening to me and did not trivialize the problems of complex relationships as some self-help books tend to do. As a man though, I feel the book dates itself with feminist bias and generalizations towards men that do not contribute to the theme of the book - that of working through complex obstacles to intimacy in key relationships. I almost stopped reading the book on the very first chapter because of statements like "...women do far better alone than do their male counterparts and do not benefit as much from marriage. Yet men often seem oddly unconcerned about improving or changing a relationship once they have one." I grant some people feel that way, but it was an attitude that might alienate some readers who would clearly benefit from this book. I am very glad I continued reading because the author does an excellent job of relating real life experiences of those with challenging obstacles to intimacy and how they courageously overcame them. There were times were I honestly had a "wow - it makes perfect sense" moments while reading this. The author's logic is well articulated and engaging. I especially appreciate how the author does not condescend the reader or oversimplify the case studies - they are real, relatable, and very challenging. Some of the suggestions from Lerner are difficult to apply but the author makes a convincing argument why these suggestions must be heeded for someone to successfully navigate the intimacy obstacles they might face. I believe that men can and will get a lot out of this book, but it needs to be updated to post-feminist and less gender specific. All of the case studies in the book were relatable I believe to all people, not just women and I would frankly love for more men to read this. It is a pity more books of this type aren't gender neutral or at least written towards men because challenges with intimacy is not just something for women alone to deal with.
Rating: 
Summary: If you were seriously abused by your mother, do not read
Review: The author apparently does not have a very wide awareness of life's possibilities. Her main point is that all you have to do is to communicate with your mother, and you will find that she has loved you all along. Personally, I only started to heal when I realised that my mother would never value me in any way, and I found this book very invalidating. See books by Susan Forward and Christina Crawford for recognition of what relationships can really be like, and what to do about them.
Rating:
Summary: Excellent!
Review: The title is very deceiving...it's not just for women, in that it has helped me see my marriage in a new light. Guys, if your spouse/significant other is unhappy with your marriage, or vice-versa, read this book. Just ignore the gender-specific and feminist ideals that Ms. Lerner sometimes includes. It is an excellent book that deserves high praise.
Rating:
Summary: Insightful and helpful book
Review: This book was loaned to me by a counselor who I had worked with on my way out of an abusive marriage. Longing for a connection with someone who was not abusive, I couldn't understand the distancing that was taking place until I read this book. I also gained valuable insight into why my intense efforts to coerce cooperation from my 3 year old were, in fact, a result of trying to reduce the anger of his abusive father - a triangle I had imposed. The information can be a good tool to help sort out relationships that haven't gone smoothly.
Rating:
Summary: Excellent
Review: This book was recommended to me at a very difficult time in my life. It helped me develop new ways of dealing with problematic relationships and people by first looking at my reactions and how I dealt with the situation. I truly believe that this is the best way because we all have the ability to be happy in our relationships if we are able to calmly work through problems and keep in mind the guidelines that the book provides.
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