You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation

Rating:
Summary: Required Reading for Everyone!!!!!
Review: Deborah Tannen has earned the Honor of having "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" placed along side the ONLY other book that I currently own. The other book is "The Elements of Style"; by Strunk & White. Don't get me wrong; I read incessantly, but rarely keep any of the books that I purchase or borrow. I believe the two (2) books referenced above should be required reading for every American. Period! I won't pretend to know what age would be approriate or most effective for Ms. Tannen's book, but it certainly would go a long way in solving many of today's communication problems between ALL people. I primarily base my opinion of this book on: 1)my having read it, and 2)my having learned the hard way what this book lays out for you in plain English. I managed a team of 12 Finance professionals in NYC for 10+ years; consisting of men & woman of various ages, nationalities, and religions. In time, I learned how to effectively manage such a diverse group by gaining an undrstanding of how each person interelated with everyone else. I HIGHLY recommend this book!

Rating:
Summary: An excellent book for anyone interested in communicating.
Review: Deborah Tannen has written an excellent book analyzing theverbal interaction between men and women. I highly recommend it toanyone. For many years I have been only generally aware of some of the symptoms she describes, mostly through personal communication problems that arose in my marriage. After reading her book, I now have a much better understanding of these challenging problems of differing perspective and I hope I can even change my reactions when these problems reoccur. I even note on pg. 201 (page numbers throughout refer to the Hardcover Edition) that the author herself, "as a result of doing this research, learned not to use machine-gun questions or cooperative overlapping with people who don't respond well -- a tangible benefit of understanding conversational style."

I don't believe her book is at all one-sided. It presents examples of how some people (often women) feel they are always being interrupted and not allowed to present their views. It also describes how a male speaker, through his style, fails to get a professional group's attention or credit for bringing up a major point -- that is then later repeated by another speaker, who refers to the earlier speaker but still gets all the credit.

In order for others to gain an appreciation of this book, I quote below from several selections.

WHO DOES MORE OF THE TALKING, AND UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES?

"Who talks more, then, women or men? The seemingly contradictory evidence is reconciled by the difference between what I call public and private speaking. More men feel comfortable doing 'public speaking,' while more women feel comfortable doing 'private' speaking. Another way of capturing these differences is by using the terms report-talk and rapport-talk.

"For most women, the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships. Emphasis is placed on displaying similarities and matching experiences. From childhood, girls criticize peers who try to stand out or appear better than others." (pg. 76, 77)

"From childhood, men learn to use talking as a way to get and keep attention. So they are more comfortable speaking in larger groups made up of people they know less well -- in the broadest sense, 'public speaking.' But even the most private situations can be approached like public speaking, more like giving a report than establishing rapport." (pg. 77)

"Many men honestly do not know what women want, and women honestly do not know why men find what they wand so hard to comprehend and deliver." (pg. 81)

JUDGMENTS ABOUT WHY PEOPLE TALK AND DON'T TALK.

"For girls, talk is the glue that holds relationships together. Boys' relationships are held together primarily by activities: doing things together, or talking about activities such as sports or, later, politics." (pg. 85)

"Women and men are inclined to understand each other in terms of their own styles because we assume we all live in the same world. [A] young man in [Thomas Fox' college] writing class noticed that his female peers refused to speak with authority. He imagined the reason to be that they feared being wrong. For him, the point was knowledge, a matter of individual ability. It did not occur to him that what they feared was not being wrong, but being offensive. For them, the point was connection: their relation to the group." (pg. 179)

WHICH IS A BETTER LEARNING EXPERIENCE: BOYS PLAYING GAMES WITH COMPLEX RULES OR GIRLS HAVING VERY FEW, IF ANY, EXPLICIT RULES IN THEIR GAMES?

"[I]t is not that the boys' behavior is more complex in general. Rather, boys and girls are learning to handle complexity in different arenas -- boys in terms of complex rules and activities, girls in terms of [non explicit] complex networks of relationships, and complex ways of using language to mediate those relationships." (pg. 181)

WHEN DO WE LEARN TO BE DIFFERENT?

"If it is fascinating to see the source of adult patterns in second-graders, it boggles the mind to see them in three-year-olds. No wonder it is hard for men and women to understand each other's point of view: We have been looking at the view from different vantage points for as long as we have been looking." (pg. 257)

There is another quote on a page that I can't remember that goes something like "second-grade girls already have more in common with 10th grade girls than they do with second-grade boys."

INTERRUPTIONS AND NOT GETTING AN EQUAL CHANCE TO TALK.

"[I]nadvertent interruptions -- and the impression of domination -- came about because the friends had different conversational styles. I call these styles 'high considerateness' and 'high involvement,' because the former gave priority to being considerate to others by not imposing, and the latter gave priority to showing enthusiastic involvement. Some apparent interruptions occurred because high-considerateness speakers expected longer pauses between speaking turns. While they were waiting for the proper pause, the high involvement speakers got the impression they had nothing to say and filled in to avoid an uncomfortable silence." (pg. 196)

THE EFFECTS OF FOREIGN CULTURES.

"If cultural differences are likely to cause misjudgment in personal settings, they are certain to do so in international ones. I would wager that the much-publicized antipathy between Nancy Reagan and Raisa Gorbachev resulted from cultural differences in conversational style. According to Nancy Reagan, 'From the moment we met, she talked and talked and talked -- so much that I could barely get a word in, edgewise or otherwise.' I suspect that if anyone asked Raisa Gorbachev, she would say she'd been wondering why her American counterpart never said anything." (pg. 207)

Another example of "foreign" cultures relates to Americans from different backgrounds, not only of obvious ethnic differences, but even, for example, simply from different parts of America. On page 201 Tannen points out the different backgrounds and conversational styles of Jewish New Yorkers (and many New Yorkers who are not Jewish), who "have high-involvement styles and are often perceived as interrupting in conversation with speakers from different backgrounds, such as Californians. But [on the other hand] many Californians expect shorter pauses than many midwesterners or New Englanders, so in conversations between them, the Californians end up interrupting. Just as [the author] was considered extremely polite when [she] lived in New York but was sometimes perceived as rude in California, a polite Californian was shocked and hurt to find herself accused of rudeness when she moved to Vermont."

Still another example of cultural difference is that of an American tourist in Turkey trying to refuse a street merchant. "She found herself holding a stone head, and when she told him politely that she did not want it, he would not take it back. Instead, he thrust forward another one, which she also automatically accepted. Since the man would not take either head back, the only path to escape she could envision was offering to buy them. She cut his price in half and hoped he'd refuse so she could move on. Instead, he agreed to drop the price and she dropped the two heads in her tote. But as she handed him the money, he handed her a third head. ... Seeing no alternative, she paid for the third head and stalked off -- shaken and angry. When ... she showed her purchases to custom officials [at the ship, they] had her arrested and thrown into jail for trying to smuggle out a national treasure. The third head was a genuine antiquity." (pg. 281)

THE BOTTOM LINE IN ALL OF TANNEN'S RESEARCH IS:

"We all want, above all, to be heard -- but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood -- heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we mean. With increased understanding of the ways women and men use language should come a decrease in frequency of the complaint 'You don't understand.' END

Rating:
Summary: Somewhat flawed presentation of extremely valuable ideas.
Review: Deborah Tannen presents some extremely valuable ideas and information about the differences in the communication styles of men and women and the misunderstandings that arise from the collision of those styles. Although Tannen occasionally fails to establish her ideas well enough to convince the skeptical reader, she never fails to present both the skeptical and the unbiased reader with useful information and thought-provoking commentary.

Rating:
Summary: 8 years later, still worth reading.
Review: Deborah Tannen's "You Don't Understand" was the topic of our men's (age 50 & over) once - a - month afternoon discussion and dinner gathering in the spring of '92. Not surprisingly, several of us were undergoing unrecognized mid-life crises issues with our marriages. "You Don't Understand" opened my eyes dramatically. It had a profound effect in my understanding the communications problems I was having with own wife and women in general. You don't have to be a scholar or scientist to understand the value of a book that offers enlightenment. There have been a number of more popular books written on this theme since '91, but Deborah Tannen's name and book are seared in my memory for ever. Not many books or authors can command that respect, and not many have helped me resurrect my own marriage as this one did.

Rating:
Summary: repetitive pop culture
Review: Deborah Tannen's "You Just Don't Understand", although written in pop culture style and full of needless repetition, nevertheless can provide fresh and relevant suggestions for women and men. Using a multitude of examples from books and movies, she demonstrates the many miscues men and women encounter in attempting to communicate. Anyone who reads this book will find at least one "Aha!" moment, explaining a misunderstanding from the past. Despite Tannen's efforts to legitimize both male and female styles, and to emphazise that each gender must make an effort to be aware of the style of the other, this book may be depressing to feminists. One of its central dilemmas, never adequately addressed, is that professional women who want to be taken seriously must learn to converse like men, even though both men and women resent this in a woman. In many cases, to be successful, a woman must learn to give up her natural communicative style, even though men will label her "too aggressive" and women will find her off-putting. Is it still "a man's world" after all? Many female readers will find this book humorous in unintended ways, as a large number of them learned even as little girls talking to their father, to accept and accomodate the male style of conversation. Most of us concluded long ago that if we want intimate sharing, we turn to our friends for "girl talk." There are some new relevations in the sections on gossip and on talking about others behind their backs, which Tannen presents as a way girls use to gain status by telling secrets about "popular" girls, thus seeming to be intimate with the popular ones and gaining reflected status. (This would imply that "popular" girls have little need for gossip, which may be true. By the same token, a girl who frequently gossips and backbites cannot expect to be truly popular, since other girls will sense they cannot trust her when she is out of their presence. In my own view, I have always seen gossipy behavior as a sign of jealousy; it's definitely a "low-status" thing to do.) One final observation: Tannen makes no allowance for temperament, which can make some women outspoken and blunt, and some men sensitive and indirect. People vary in much more than just their gender.

Rating:
Summary: Good insights on different genders' communication styles.
Review: Even though I feel that some assumptions or conclusions are based on American culture (as a foreigner living here), several statements hold true in other societies as well. I don't agree when someone said the author didn't offer the solutions. What she was trying to do was analyzing the problems, causes, and consequences. In doing so, the readers gain more understanding of their problems in communication and in the process adjust themselves or see more through the problems to make their real-life situation better. Some parts of the book were written with a little bias since the author is a woman. I'm satisfied with the information and the insight I gain from the book. The only thing that bothered me was her using fictions as examples in several cases. I just personally do not think they are strong enough evidence to support her point of views.

Rating:
Summary: If you have an ounce of common sense, you don't need this.
Review: Everything in Ms. Tannen's world is apparently black and white as far as gender goes. Little girls play with dolls, boys play sports.

None of her gender divisions applied even remotely accurately to my life; it's almost as if my husband and I have flipflopped genders, according to the stereotypes in this book. Ms. Tannen needs to go out and view the modern world, because gender boundaries have changed, blurred, and in some cases simply disappeared.

I also disagree that men are the only ones looking to "one-up" people in a conversation, while women are always seeking to strengthen social networks.

If you really need a "self help" book in understanding your spouse that isn't so blatantly and disgustingly sexist, I recommend "The Dance of Anger" instead. It has effective suggestions for communication between people of all genders, relationships, and ages.

Rating:
Summary: hated it.
Review: had to read this for school and i think it is one of the most repetetive, sterotypical male-bashing books i've read in awhile. she tries to paint an unbiased picture but gets lost around midway through her first sentence. DON'T BUY IT!

Rating:
Summary: Psychogibberish
Review: Having studied linguistics in depth over the years, especially Tannen's mentor, Robin Lakoff, I feel this book does a disservice to its topic. I think that, as old as they are, the best books on the subject of man-talk versus woman-talk are by Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Men come off rather badly overall in this book, which I think reinforces the stereotypes of men being rotten communicators who never listen.

The book gets one star because it has an excellent reference list and great notes.

Rating:
Summary: interesting and easy to read
Review: I enjoyed reading it since it is easily read and very relevant to everyday life situations.