Rating: 
Summary: A Book Review by Yarith Calito
Review: "Smart and Intriguing for the minds of those incapable of understanding the opposite sex," Yarith Calito (Wayne State University)
When I read the title of this book I was not looking directly at what this book could bring to me, besides the 15% of my final grade. But the impact it has had on me, and older sister, is extraordinarily unplanned. I figured this book to be about the differences of how men and women never quite understand each other. It was that and a lot more.
Dr. Deborah Tannen makes excellent points in explaining why she thinks men and women are clearly out of sync when it comes to communication. Her idea of genders having "genderlects" instead of dialects is most interesting. She describes how boys and girls are raised with different communication atmospheres. The way a father and mother speak to their daughters; a kinder, gentler tone, as opposed to when they speak to their sons; firm, and with authority. The way we are brought up accounts for the miscommunications amongst genders.
Dr. Tannen does present the reader with a lot of first hand experiences and details about how she came to realize the differences in communication with females and males. How women and men speak, and communicate differently when in same sex conversations, then with mixed sex conversations. Women, because they are more likely to be nicer, always tend to be a good listener, even when they have something to say.Men, on the other hand, are always in competition, compete for the spotlight and tend to be the conversational leader. The way she interrelates, relationships and communications is also an interesting idea. Many of the examples are either of married couples, or those of a long-term relationship wise couple. She does this in a way which allows you to kind of think about it and realize that such an idea can really occur in both communications and relationships.
Writing this book, must have come with no trouble at all for Deborah Tannen. I say this with great admiration because the use of simple language and making it seem all the more interesting, takes a great deal of talent to do, and yet it seemed so effortless. Appreciating that of the simple chosen words, and yet somehow turn to an art piece of interpretations. She writes flawlessly and with clear direction of what she is trying to point out and or state.
The main idea, though, really caught my attention, was the idea of how we view communication. Men view it as a means of competition and ranking ones status. Women see it as a way of becoming intimate with another person, and setting a standard to which we measure everyone's friendship. This idea, Dr. Tannen explains, is the reason why men and women often do not understand each other. Of course telling you about how we can overcome this little bit of difference between genders would mean give away the whole book, I can truly say this: Deborah Tannen did an excellent job on teaching a poorly communicative girlfriend like me, learn a thing or two about the "genderlect" my boyfriend speaks in.
I would most definitely recommend this book to anyone who is either in or out of a relationship, or just wants to be able to understand why we just don't understand our male friends, fathers, and brothers, express themselves the way they do. Also this is book is just not for the those trying to interpret the male "genderlect", but also wanting to interpret why women speak and react to communication done throughout any interaction with the sexes.
Rating:
Summary: A Book Review by Yarith Calito
Review: "Smart and Intriguing for the minds of those incapable of understanding the opposite sex," Yarith Calito (Wayne State University)
When I read the title of this book I was not looking directly at what this book could bring to me, besides the 15% of my final grade. But the impact it has had on me, and older sister, is extraordinarily unplanned. I figured this book to be about the differences of how men and women never quite understand each other. It was that and a lot more.
Dr. Deborah Tannen makes excellent points in explaining why she thinks men and women are clearly out of sync when it comes to communication. Her idea of genders having "genderlects" instead of dialects is most interesting. She describes how boys and girls are raised with different communication atmospheres. The way a father and mother speak to their daughters; a kinder, gentler tone, as opposed to when they speak to their sons; firm, and with authority. The way we are brought up accounts for the miscommunications amongst genders.
Dr. Tannen does present the reader with a lot of first hand experiences and details about how she came to realize the differences in communication with females and males. How women and men speak, and communicate differently when in same sex conversations, then with mixed sex conversations. Women, because they are more likely to be nicer, always tend to be a good listener, even when they have something to say.Men, on the other hand, are always in competition, compete for the spotlight and tend to be the conversational leader. The way she interrelates, relationships and communications is also an interesting idea. Many of the examples are either of married couples, or those of a long-term relationship wise couple. She does this in a way which allows you to kind of think about it and realize that such an idea can really occur in both communications and relationships.
Writing this book, must have come with no trouble at all for Deborah Tannen. I say this with great admiration because the use of simple language and making it seem all the more interesting, takes a great deal of talent to do, and yet it seemed so effortless. Appreciating that of the simple chosen words, and yet somehow turn to an art piece of interpretations. She writes flawlessly and with clear direction of what she is trying to point out and or state.
The main idea, though, really caught my attention, was the idea of how we view communication. Men view it as a means of competition and ranking ones status. Women see it as a way of becoming intimate with another person, and setting a standard to which we measure everyone's friendship. This idea, Dr. Tannen explains, is the reason why men and women often do not understand each other. Of course telling you about how we can overcome this little bit of difference between genders would mean give away the whole book, I can truly say this: Deborah Tannen did an excellent job on teaching a poorly communicative girlfriend like me, learn a thing or two about the "genderlect" my boyfriend speaks in.
I would most definitely recommend this book to anyone who is either in or out of a relationship, or just wants to be able to understand why we just don't understand our male friends, fathers, and brothers, express themselves the way they do. Also this is book is just not for the those trying to interpret the male "genderlect", but also wanting to interpret why women speak and react to communication done throughout any interaction with the sexes.
Rating: 
Summary: If you are a man, do not buy this audiobook !
Review: After listening to this audiobook I was left feeling that I just wasted my time. Men are portrayed as insincere and mean. This book does not offer any methods for improving relationships, it is just a guy bashing session. The author (a woman) tries to use BIG words to sound more intelligent, she said "fleeting" every other paragraph. Deborah Tannen also has a very poor speaking voice that is very unassertive and weak. She has a dry mouth throughout the entire program (take a drink of water, please). She also explained that men stereotype women, there are also many sterotypes for men, lets be fair. Hey I will be the first one to admit that men are not perfect, but this book is categorizing men and women and definitely one ups women. If you are a women you may like this tape, but it was not for me.
Rating:
Summary: You Just Don't Understand
Review: After reading this book I realized how it relates to my daily life and conversations. I agree with what Tannen says, females talk with their friends more intimately than males do. Female friends talk to each other about how they feel while males talk about topics such as sports and don't say as much. When male and female friends talk together there are many differences. Tannen makes very good points about why people act the way that they do. It was interesting to learn some of the reasons that people speak and listen the way that they do. I now know why men and women often misunderstand each other. Even though I am a teenager I still feel that I can relate to this book and what it discusses.
Rating:
Summary: You Just Don't Understand
Review: After reading this book I realized how it relates to my daily life and conversations. I agree with what Tannen says, females talk with their friends more intimately than males do. Female friends talk to each other about how they feel while males talk about topics such as sports and don't say as much. When male and female friends talk together there are many differences. Tannen makes very good points about why people act the way that they do. It was interesting to learn some of the reasons that people speak and listen the way that they do. I now know why men and women often misunderstand each other. Even though I am a teenager I still feel that I can relate to this book and what it discusses.
Rating:
Summary: Interesting and Insightful
Review: At first I reacted negatively, writing Tannen's thoughts off as pseudoscience from an academic. But as I thought through my negative reaction I realized, ironically, that it was because I was finding it insightful. I'm in continuous contact with a lot of people everyday and Tannen's material was shedding a lot of light on what happens in the dynamics of interpersonal relationships.The book is a practical guide and has helped me to understand why people react the way they do in conversation. I've also learned how I can change to facilitate better conversation and understand people better. The overall result to date as been positive and while I don't pretend to be a perfect person to all people, I find myself much more satisfied and comfortable among people.
Rating:
Summary: Unsurpassed.
Review: At last. No higher praise can be given to a study of communication techniques than that it be CLEAR. This one is.
Rating:
Summary: Some Good Points but Frustrating to Read
Review: Certain parts of this book are though provoking, but for the most part the author offers few solutions... A better book to purchase would be any of the John Gray books, MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS would be a good start. While it takes a traditional approach (i.e. don't forget he was writing it for his age group) towards relationships, it offers many more workable solutions than this book. Overall, I think women will find this book easier to work w/ for obvious reasons. However, any women who truly want a workable relationship and who aren't trying to be bitchy will probably seek their information elsewhere....sorry, Tamnen.
Rating: 
Summary: Family Issues Broken Down
Review: Communication is the greatest aspect to a good relationship. Without communication, a relationship can lack are understanding, feelings, and where a person may stand in life...towards the other person. Nevertheless, where does communication falls when it comes to family. Take for instance your oldest son has a dream he wants to pursue. With this, he feels he is confident about himself, and sure that he is capable of achieving this goal. On the other hand, you know your child is incompetent of doing this because he lacks the talent. Now you have to choose between telling the truth... letting facts be known or keeping quiet... letting him engage on this dream. Let us think about this; is it all right to lye to a person to save their feelings knowing in the end things will fall apart? Alternatively, is it ok to tell the truth in the beginning to save them from embarrassment and humiliation in the end?
Many different scenarios can take place in a family were communication becomes a problem. Whether it is telling the truth to: save embarrassment, family gossiping, family secrets, control, etc. The list of the scenarios goes on and on. However, all confrontation comes about for two reasons. One reason is one person does not know what are the message given is, but went towards the metamessage, and explodes. I know your wondering what message and metamessage are. Well, "message is the meaning of the words and sentences spoken, what everyone with a dictionary and a grammar book could figure out. Metamessage is not said- at least not in so many words- but that we garner from every aspect of context." Take this into prime example and see whether you can figure out what is the message, and the metamessage are. "Do you really need another piece of cake? Donna asks George. You bet I do, he replies, with that edge to his voice that implies, If I wasn't sure I needed it before, I am darned sure now." Now sit and think about these for a moment... ok times up. Now, can you figure out what is the message and the metamessage are? Here is the answer, the message from Donna (the sender) was she said those words because she loves George and cares about what he eats, especially when she knows it is going to hurt him. The metamessage that George (the receiver) got was her trying to tell him what he can eat, or how much of something he can eat. However, that is not the case. Based on the definitions of message and metamessage, Donna had her reasons for saying what she said, but because George was so quick to react, he missed the whole point of her stating do you need another piece.
The second reason is connection and control. "A grown daughter who is offended when her mother tells her how to improve the decoration of her home..." This is a great example of connection and control, because the mother is simply doing what she does best- giving advice. In the eyes of the daughter, it is different because the daughter felt that her mother was trying to tell her how to decorate her home. In contrast, the mother was trying to connect with her, by helping her out, and giving some decorative advice that can make her home feel more comfortable. This example helps explain this because connection and control is all about describing the forces that drive all our conversations- how we use talk to get closer to each other or put distance between us; how the words help us gain dominance or show respect. Tannen gives numerous examples on explaining connections and control, and how so many families stop communicating because of this
"I Only Say This Because I Love You" by Deborah Tannen, gives excellent examples of message and metamessage throughout her book. The book even includes the example above. Tannen gives live examples as to why talking to family can be so painful and problematic when we are all adults, with family its learning how to separate word meaning, message, from heart meaning, metamessage. With an understanding between the two, fighting amongst family members and separation would seize and desist. Even if you people talking can learn how to derive criticism (control) from giving advice (connection) problems will eventually stop. Therefore, by understanding the two concepts you are fully capable of correcting any miscommunication that comes about, by talking without hurting each other but comforting on another. Thus, coming to situations where you have to tell someone the truth, if it is going to save them hurt and embarrassment in the end, it is ok to do. Simply make sure that the message is clear, and point out the facts that you are not trying to criticize or control what they do in their life. You are simply giving advice that might make a difference in the end.
Rating:
Summary: Required Reading for Everyone!!!!!
Review: Deborah Tannen has earned the Honor of having "You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation" placed along side the ONLY other book that I currently own. The other book is "The Elements of Style"; by Strunk & White. Don't get me wrong; I read incessantly, but rarely keep any of the books that I purchase or borrow. I believe the two (2) books referenced above should be required reading for every American. Period! I won't pretend to know what age would be approriate or most effective for Ms. Tannen's book, but it certainly would go a long way in solving many of today's communication problems between ALL people. I primarily base my opinion of this book on: 1)my having read it, and 2)my having learned the hard way what this book lays out for you in plain English. I managed a team of 12 Finance professionals in NYC for 10+ years; consisting of men & woman of various ages, nationalities, and religions. In time, I learned how to effectively manage such a diverse group by gaining an undrstanding of how each person interelated with everyone else. I HIGHLY recommend this book!
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