Freezer Burn

Rating:
Summary: Major disappointment
Review: Although I have enjoyed Lansdale's Hap and Leonard series, five books in a row was a bit much. I was excited to see Freezer Burn available, a new and original Lansdale story, and grabbed it. The story starts off fast paced but slows down in the middle. Some of the characters in the freak show are enjoyable but the main characters are shallow and unbelievable. Bill, an otherwise normal guy, keeps his dead mother's body so he can continue to collect her checks. By the end of the novel I just didn't care what happened to anyone. The plot itself could have been taken from one of those bad late night movies you watch just because nothing else is on. I expected more from an author I've enjoyed for many years.

Rating:
Summary: Doesnt blow your socks off.
Review: Being a Lansdale fan, I have to say that anyone who likes his previous novels should enjoy his latest offering, but for those people who dont know of him and feel they would like to try his work, I would seriously suggest trying out Savage Season or Cold in July as better books to introduce Lansdale's style.

Lansdale has always been catagorized as a Mystery/Suspense writer, but, honestly, I think one would have to have a fairly low IQ and almost no knowledge of suspense formula not to figure out his books. One can always see the outcome, just because that is the nature of the genre- when a gun is introduced in the first act, you damn well know that it is going off in the third act, and so on. Lansdale is a great writer, but he is also conventional one, and he never strays from the limits that pulp writers adhere to. An example of this, in Freezer Burn, would be Gidget, Lansdales femme fatale. She is structured with all the traits one has seen hundreds of times before, self serving, manipulative, a sexual siren with a sad luck story to humanize her, but basically just an object, a Lilith luring men between her legs and making them dizzy enough to sell thier souls for her. Seen it before, all too commonplace.

Lansdale's strength is that like a good film noir b-movie, even though we sense the outcome, he is nimble enough in his descriptions and pacing that we have fun anyway, couldnt care less, and enjoy watching the story unfold. Such is the case with the Hap Collins and Leonard Pine novels. We enjoy the characters so much, because his paints them vividly, with flaws, humor, and nobility.

That is where Freezer Burn fails. The main character, Bill Roberts, isnt likeable in the least. He has the flaws, rock stupid, handsome but doesnt know it, an all around loser, but he isnt particularly funny or noble, even. Instead he is just a lazy, crass, ignorant dunderhead, and not the kind of protagonist one idenifies with or cares about. So, when we see our femme fatale introduced, and instantly realize that she and Bill will end up screwing, and that she will do the obvious femme fatale thing and lure him into commiting some act of violence for her (in this case, the standard, "Kill-My-Husband-So-We-Can-Be-Together" business), we dont really worry that Bill is falling into a dangerous trap. You just dont care if he lives or dies.

Another low point, is the carnival setting. A Lansdale reader will expect for him to really let loose and paint a great portrait of the carnival and really have fun with the setting, but he doesnt. With so many great uses of the South and Southern locales like honkytonks, shack neighborhoods, trailer parks, biker whorehouses, and so on, spilling onto the page from Lansdales pen, I expected him to blow me away when I found out he was setting it in a freak show. Alas, it isnt so.

Still, despite its shortcomings, Lansdale does manage to entertain, so the book isnt a failure. One has to love a writer who uses descriptions like, "...he held a smile on his face, like a child who had farted softly in church and was proud of it." Its just a shame he wasnt running at full speed when he was writing this one, but it happens.

Rating:
Summary: Joe Lansdale's Freezer Burn, a quirky novel not to be missed
Review: Bill Roberts has a simple plan to rob a firecracker stand. Unfortunately for Bill, the plan blows up in his face and what ensues is a tale of non-stop action. This book has it all: murder, police chases, circus freaks, sex, death and even a frozen caveman. This quirky novel written only in the way master storyteller Joe Lansdale can is not to be missed. This special Crossroads Press is the first edition of this novel. This 400 copy numbered clothbound edition is signed by the author and features dust jacket artwork by George Pratt.

Rating:
Summary: Lansdale retells 'Freaks' as a comic roman noir.
Review: Bill Roberts is a laconic and none to smart loser that decides to rob a firecracker stand just across the street because his mother is now dead and stinking up the place and he cannot get the nerve up to forge her social security checks to get the money, which he is just about out of. With two cohorts helping him out, the robbery goes well for about two seconds. Then things go south in a hurry. Four corpses later, poor Bill stumbles out of the swamp and into a traveling carnival Freakshow run by a kind hearted man with a hand growing out of his chest and his femme fatale wife. Hoping to hide out until things cool down in the real world, Bill takes a job there and waits for the proper angles to present themselves. Gidget, the blonde bombshell wife of the show's owner, has some plans of her own as well as some very nice angles to get them done.

Freezer Burn is largely a retelling of the film 'Freaks' as a comedic roman noir. Chock full of unsavory characters that view humane behavior as stupid and weak, this is certainly not a novel for all tastes. Longtime Lansdale fans will be delighted to see him brush up on his darker roots, the ones responsible for The Nightrunners and the black as tar noir nightmare The Night They Skipped the Horror Show. Others used to the trace of nobility found in his most recent work will wonder why he wasted his time telling the tale of such an unlikable sociopath anti-hero. Being a nearly twenty year Lansdale addict I heartily recommend to his longtime fans as well as to those who just like dark hearted noir with a goofball twist.

Rating:
Summary: A HILARIOUS NOVEL ABOUT ADULTERY AND MURDER!!!
Review: First, let me talk for a moment about the writings of Joe R. Lansdale. I'm now totally addicted to this remarkable East Texas author. I think his novel, THE BOTTOMS, is one of the true masterpieces of modern American literature. I love the "Hap/Leonard" series and could read a new novel about these two hilarious and utterly heroic characters every week, if Mr. Lansdale could write the books fast enough. I've read his novellas THE BOAR and THE BIG BLOW and have wondered why a mainstream publisher didn't pick up these two great little books. I've also read his children's story, SOMETHING LUMBER THIS WAY COMES. So far, I've enjoyed every piece of writing by him that I have read. FREEZER BURN is no exception. Though certainly different from the above books, it nevertheless is pure Lansdale at his best. This is the story of Bill Roberts, a low life who simply doesn't know any better. He's been living with his dominating mother for a long time, and when she finally dies, he decides to keep her body in the bedroom so that her social security checks will continue to come in. The only problem with the plan is that Bill is unable to successfully forge her signature on the checks. So, with a handful of checks he's unable to cash, a raucous smell permeating the house, and a couple of cans of beets in the kitchen cabinet left to eat, Bill makes the less-than-lucid decision to rob the firecracker stand across the street on the fourth of July with the help of two equally stupid acquaintances, Fat Boy and Chaplin. Like everything else in Bill's life, the robbery goes terribly wrong. The owner of the firecracker stand is murdered and then Fat Boy (he encounters a nest of water moccasins in the swamp!!!!) and Chaplin are killed in the getaway. Bill hides out in the Bottoms for a day or so, feeding the mosquitoes with his face, avoiding the poisonous snakes, and praying the law doesn't catch up with him. When he eventually comes out of hiding, he sees a carnival in a nearby field and goes to them for help. The owner of carnival, Jack Frost, takes Bill in and allows him to stay until he's completely healed from the mosquito bites, and then offers him a job. This carnival is special. It's filled with freaks: Conrad the Dog Man, U.S. Grant the Bearded Lady, the two-head Buckwheat, pin heads and punk heads, midgets, and the Ice Man. Even Frost has a hand growing out of his chest. The only other normal person (except for a couple of nasty roustabouts) besides Bill is Gidget, the wife of Jack Frost. Gidget-blonde, beautiful, sexy, and as deadly as one of those cottonmouths in the Bottoms-is every husband's worse nightmare. Over a period of weeks, Bill gradually begins to see Frost and some of the other freaks in the carnival as human beings, but it isn't his destiny to be a nice guy. Gidget has other ideas for him. It isn't long before she seduces Bill with her body and talks him into helping her kill Frost so that they can take over the carnival. Of course, like Bill's other endeavors, the plan to kill Gidget's husband will have its drawbacks and pitfalls, and nothing will turn out quite as he expects. FREEZER BURN is definitely not for everyone. I think the reader has to have a rather bizarre sense of humor and a willingness to allow the author to take him/her down a path that may seem somewhat weird to the average person, yet is actually a journey about life and what it means to be different, not to mention what goes around, comes around. This novel is Mr. Lansdale's homage to James M. Cain's THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, using the themes of lust, adultery, and murder, only with a slightly different twist. Though funny from beginning to end (yes, I have a rather bizarre sense of humor about life), this novel is also filled with poignant insights into how people treat those who are different. I also think that Mr. Lansdale is a firm believer in karma. When people do bad things, it always comes back to bite them in the butt sooner or later. I will say that the finale of FREEZER BURN is a downer; yet, I don't see how the author could've ended it differently. The story could only have one final outcome and still remain true to the very nature of who Bill Roberts and Gidget Frost actually are. If you're looking for a happy ending, this isn't the book to read. If, however, you're looking for a book that will shock you, tickle your funny bone, and make you think about prejudice in all of its sad and unhealthy forms, then this is the one to buy.

Rating:
Summary: A HILARIOUS NOVEL ABOUT ADULTERY AND MURDER!!!
Review: First, let me talk for a moment about the writings of Joe R. Lansdale. I'm now totally addicted to this remarkable East Texas author. I think his novel, THE BOTTOMS, is one of the true masterpieces of modern American literature. I love the "Hap/Leonard" series and could read a new novel about these two hilarious and utterly heroic characters every week, if Mr. Lansdale could write the books fast enough. I've read his novellas THE BOAR and THE BIG BLOW and have wondered why a mainstream publisher didn't pick up these two great little books. I've also read his children's story, SOMETHING LUMBER THIS WAY COMES. So far, I've enjoyed every piece of writing by him that I have read. FREEZER BURN is no exception. Though certainly different from the above books, it nevertheless is pure Lansdale at his best. This is the story of Bill Roberts, a low life who simply doesn't know any better. He's been living with his dominating mother for a long time, and when she finally dies, he decides to keep her body in the bedroom so that her social security checks will continue to come in. The only problem with the plan is that Bill is unable to successfully forge her signature on the checks. So, with a handful of checks he's unable to cash, a raucous smell permeating the house, and a couple of cans of beets in the kitchen cabinet left to eat, Bill makes the less-than-lucid decision to rob the firecracker stand across the street on the fourth of July with the help of two equally stupid acquaintances, Fat Boy and Chaplin. Like everything else in Bill's life, the robbery goes terribly wrong. The owner of the firecracker stand is murdered and then Fat Boy (he encounters a nest of water moccasins in the swamp!!!!) and Chaplin are killed in the getaway. Bill hides out in the Bottoms for a day or so, feeding the mosquitoes with his face, avoiding the poisonous snakes, and praying the law doesn't catch up with him. When he eventually comes out of hiding, he sees a carnival in a nearby field and goes to them for help. The owner of carnival, Jack Frost, takes Bill in and allows him to stay until he's completely healed from the mosquito bites, and then offers him a job. This carnival is special. It's filled with freaks: Conrad the Dog Man, U.S. Grant the Bearded Lady, the two-head Buckwheat, pin heads and punk heads, midgets, and the Ice Man. Even Frost has a hand growing out of his chest. The only other normal person (except for a couple of nasty roustabouts) besides Bill is Gidget, the wife of Jack Frost. Gidget-blonde, beautiful, sexy, and as deadly as one of those cottonmouths in the Bottoms-is every husband's worse nightmare. Over a period of weeks, Bill gradually begins to see Frost and some of the other freaks in the carnival as human beings, but it isn't his destiny to be a nice guy. Gidget has other ideas for him. It isn't long before she seduces Bill with her body and talks him into helping her kill Frost so that they can take over the carnival. Of course, like Bill's other endeavors, the plan to kill Gidget's husband will have its drawbacks and pitfalls, and nothing will turn out quite as he expects. FREEZER BURN is definitely not for everyone. I think the reader has to have a rather bizarre sense of humor and a willingness to allow the author to take him/her down a path that may seem somewhat weird to the average person, yet is actually a journey about life and what it means to be different, not to mention what goes around, comes around. This novel is Mr. Lansdale's homage to James M. Cain's THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, using the themes of lust, adultery, and murder, only with a slightly different twist. Though funny from beginning to end (yes, I have a rather bizarre sense of humor about life), this novel is also filled with poignant insights into how people treat those who are different. I also think that Mr. Lansdale is a firm believer in karma. When people do bad things, it always comes back to bite them in the butt sooner or later. I will say that the finale of FREEZER BURN is a downer; yet, I don't see how the author could've ended it differently. The story could only have one final outcome and still remain true to the very nature of who Bill Roberts and Gidget Frost actually are. If you're looking for a happy ending, this isn't the book to read. If, however, you're looking for a book that will shock you, tickle your funny bone, and make you think about prejudice in all of its sad and unhealthy forms, then this is the one to buy.

Rating:
Summary: You've read this book before...
Review: First, you have read this book before, assuming you have ever read a noir, or seen a film since 1950, or even stayed awake while friends have talked about films or novels before.

Lansdale throws his Texan into the middle of a freak show and a classic film noir triangle. As for the latter, he really shouldn't have. Noirs, of course, do tend to follow a predictable pattern; the femme fatale usually wins out. A large portion of the pleasure in reading a modern noir, however, is trying to guess exactly how. They are basically mysteries in reverse. Instead of figuring who done it, you wrestle with how IS she (sometimes he) going to do it.

Unfortunately, you won't be wrestling with that question while reading Feezer Burn. Every move is clearly telegraphed miles away, and the undesired effect is that of re-reading a book you didn't care much for in the first place.

Then you have Lansdale's comedy. Remember that uncle who always got drunk every holiday and started in on the dirty jokes? Remember not laughing? Remember that uncle accusing you of being offended? You weren't, of course, unless you can count being bored to tears an offense. That's what it is like reading Freezer Burn. The dirty jokes fly furiously, but they are so terribly lame, you won't be able to work up the effort to even fake being offended. Unless you still instinctively giggle every time someone says something about sex, you'll yawn yourself to sleep.

So, any positives? Sure, that freak show I mentioned earlier. Lansdale skillfully uproots noir from its usual urban settings and transplants it smack dab in the middle of an East Texas freak show, and this change of scenery is the best thing this novel has going for it. For a few brief passages, the novel actually achieves flavor. It is not enough, of course, but it helps the going somewhat.

I often read critics compare Lansdale to a three-alarm chili. Here, unfortunately, he tastes a bit more like two-day-old ground beef and canned beans thrown into a bland pot of water.

Rating:
Summary: Lansdale asatisfies once again!
Review: FREEZER BURN shows us Bill Roberts and his 2 friends organizing a little robbery of a fireworks display. Problem is it's across the street from where Bill lives with his deceased mother in the back bedroom. The other problem is the display owner recognizes him and is killed. The next problem is the getaway car crashes, killing one of Bill's friends and the chase through a swamp kills the other friend. Not to mention a cop accidentally kills himself trying to take down Bill. All this and Bill ends up in a freak show carnival. Huh? Trust me, this novel is action packed and filled with allusions to Jesus Christ, Judas Iscariot and a host of colorful characters that make this one of Lansdale's best novels in years. Most highest recommendation

Rating:
Summary: Lansdale asatisfies once again!
Review: FREEZER BURN shows us Bill Roberts and his 2 friends organizing a little robbery of a fireworks display. Problem is it's across the street from where Bill lives with his deceased mother in the back bedroom. The other problem is the display owner recognizes him and is killed. The next problem is the getaway car crashes, killing one of Bill's friends and the chase through a swamp kills the other friend. Not to mention a cop accidentally kills himself trying to take down Bill. All this and Bill ends up in a freak show carnival. Huh? Trust me, this novel is action packed and filled with allusions to Jesus Christ, Judas Iscariot and a host of colorful characters that make this one of Lansdale's best novels in years. Most highest recommendation

Rating:
Summary: Lansdale Doesn't Go For the Championship This Time
Review: I look forward to most of Joe R. Lansdale's work, especially the new novels or collections. But, alas, as it is with all prolific writers (and Lansdale is prolific), sometimes you hit a home run, and sometimes you strike out. In this case, Lansdale gets a slider into furst base, and gets taken out on second. The book opens up with lansdlae usualy flair for East Texas scenery, slap-happy white thrash characters, and funny and unfurtunate turns of events. The first fifty pages are pure Lansdale, then the book gets, well, boring. A man on the run from the law hooks up with a traveling carny show of freaks. There have been plenty of good books written about carny freaks, and Lansdal doesn't go anywhere new. We have the usual freaks: the dogman, the bearded lady, the midgets, the pumpkin heads, etc. Been there, done that. Our hero starts having an affair with the carny leader's beautiful, buxom, blond bombsell/bimbo, and she coaxes him into plotting murder. Been there, done that. Each "ironic" turn of event is expected, seen coming for miles like a pack of hungry rabid armadillos. The problem is, there just a little *too* much iorny in this book. Llansdale forces it. Actually, _Freezer Burn_ reads like this was an old manuscript of his and Lansdale took it out and finally fiished it. It has an early to mid Lansdale career feel, while he was still writing splatterpunk. So, now that he's not so obscure, and his books sell, I'm sure this one will do financially okay to justify its seeing print. Perhaps, though, Mr. Lansdale should have thought twice about leting this one in print, just to keep his drooling fans satiated while he pounds out the next excellent Hap and Leonard novel.