What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us : Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman

Rating:
Summary: commonsense makes a terrific read
Review: Applause to Ms Crittenden for getting feminists to read this book and agree with the points she makes. I think this will be a seminal book in pointing our society forward in improving the lives of all of us equally. One passage in the book says it all: that our achievement of independence from our husbands has resulted in a new dependence on employers and state, who in turn do not offer us love, companionship and laughs like a husband does. She hits on the truth: we all want happy homes and families. We care about our children more than ourselves. Who can say they don't?

Rating:
Summary: Super Insight from a Superwoman!
Review: Are you a woman who has been searching and searching for a book that would get you extremely ticked off? Well, look no further, my friend, for your search is over.

Why DOES happiness elude the modern woman? Well, I don't think Ms. Crittenden really offers any definitive answers, except that she seems to lay all the blame squarely on the shoulders of Germaine Greer, Betty Friedan, and other leaders of the second-wave movement of feminism. Some of her advice includes marrying early and having a baby prior to having a career--after all, grad school can wait until your children are in school. The question I would love to ask her is how she thinks two twenty-year-olds can afford to have and support a child when neither has graduated from college and has a career that pays enough. Oh, that's right...the man can keep going to college and get a degree and pay. The woman can put hers off until her children are in school. I am also impressed by the fact that she thinks that, when her children go to school around the age of six or so, a woman would have enough time to work on her degree, especially something as time-consuming as a thesis or dissertation. After all, the child will come home around three and someone has to make sure the child is looked after and fed. Since the man will be working to bring the money in, obviously, the woman will need to provide this care. This makes it seem that it would not be feasible to devote sufficient time to an education, undergrad or otherwise, until the child is at least twelve to thirteen years old.

She also states that a woman is selfish if she prefers to have a career AND have a child, since that child will not be properly cared for if a woman desires to continue working after the child's birth. For those who argue that they need two incomes to get by, Ms. Crittenden cries foul. After all, families in the fifties got by on one income (although maybe just barely) and maybe these modern parents need to just forego some of their luxuries so that one parent can stay home. She doesn't seem to realize that sometimes it's NOT really feasible to get by on one income, and that if a family would try it, they just may find themselves below the poverty line.

She does make some interesting points here and there--such as women used to say they didn't want to be dependent on a man and, therefore, are now dependent on state institutions such as welfare and other things when they are rendered single mothers for whatever reason--but overall, this book is simply infuriating. She states that divorce is now "acceptable" when a man simply wants to leave his aging wife for a much younger woman, something I find hard to believe. I would be willing to bet that most people would find a man who did that utterly despicable. Divorce, in fact, should be acceptable--not for those men who want to run off and have an affair, but simply so that women can leave husbands who are abusive or leave those men who are having the affairs without social consequence.

Ms. Crittenden's reasons for "why happiness eludes the modern woman" definitely seem flimsy at best. I most definitely wish that I had spent the money on one of the many other books that I want to read that surely are more worthwhile. But, like I said, if you want to read all about what a selfish *&#^$ you are for wanting to have a career AND children (how dare you), have at it.

Rating:
Summary: what males want you to think
Review: EQUAL ( appeciation )or pay has ALWAYS been ignored by people like you,and the male population, when it comes to managing and maintaining a HOUSEHOLD, MUCH less a home! shame on you for saying things like,women who choose to WORK or stay at home! staying at home IS NOT eating chocolat and watching t.v. staying at home IS a full time JOB. why do you think males choose to pay higher wages to other males who leave home to work?it's really difficult to see why females will except whatever they are told by "society" instead of seeing the reality that is IN their own lives, and they're personal desires.you just perpetuate the myth"equal". people who REAR CHILDREN are at least as valuable to society as the president of the country, just watch the news and see how well our children are rearing themselves.if you can't get the truth out, you should at LEAST be listed as fiction.

Rating:
Summary: Much needed reality check
Review: I do not pretend to be an expert, or to have all the answers, but this book provides some much needed perspective on a seriously dysfunctional social trend. As a male, I was very happy to particiapte in the sexual revloution of the 70's in college and after college. As a brother, I have four sisters - sexually promiscuous in college and post college, all reasonably successful career women - all now in their 40's and 50's - and all but one childless (and that one twice divorced) and all miserable about their life situation - and all with low self esteem in this area. Further, their circle of professional peers tends towards the same description. The only good news about this is that they can't do enough for their neices and nephews - which is little compensation for the angst and despair that is a daily part of their lives - for the rest of their lives. Crittenden captures very neatly the fact that there is really nothing as scary to a man then to take a 30-something/40-something women out to dinner and find her eying him and his life more hungrily than the food. Crittenden says that feminism doesn't provide answers for the questions that distress young women, such as, "Is work really more important and fulfilling than raising my children?" and "Why does my boyfriend not want to get married as much as I do?" I think that modern women do not think this through nearly carefully enough. Eastern Europe, thanks to socialism, had "equality" in 1920. after 80 years of sex without guilt and responsibility, eastern european women seek western males in droves. Her argument that feminist fervor has failed modern women has merit, and her suggestions for how women can recapture meaning, fulfillment and happiness are worth discussing. Because of the realities of biology - a women's choices are overwhelmingly important to her future and it is a disservce to pretend that it isn't.

Rating:
Summary: Author living in stone age
Review: The camera zooms in on Donna Reed standing by the door fixing her hair just before opening it for her adoring husband. Dr. Reed enters and is greeted with a kiss by his doting wife.

If Danielle Crittenden has her way, women will soon begin to revert back to the days of Donna Reed. She does not seem to understand that today's Technicolor world has little room for the stifling ideals of the black-and-white, Daddy Knows Best '50s.

In What Our Mother's Didn't Tell Us, Crittenden makes good points on bad premises and her arguments crumble before she finishes them. Crittenden says women can obtain happiness in life if only they will shun the outdated concepts of feminism. She forgets, however, that many of the issues her "outdated" feminism was created to combat still exist.

Crittenden rattles off statistics like an evening news sportscaster: "Women may now work in any profession and expect to be paid the same as men. They may marry or not marry, divorce or not divorce, have sex or abstain, bear children or not, postpone or abort them - all without social stigma." If only.

And herein lies Crittenden's downfall. She is wrong. Women make only 75 percent as much as men. When they don't marry, they aren't celebrated for enjoying single life but suspected of being lesbians and pitied for being old maids. Women who have too much sex are sluts and those who have none are prudes. When women abort their babies, they are most often greeted at the clinic by a swarm of angry protestors condemning them to hell.

But, according to Crittenden, "It's time to settle."

Settling, in Crittenden's view, is getting married and having kids young, when a woman's body is able, and pursuing careers later, when a woman's life is able.

It would seem that settling is interchangeable with giving up, reverting back to the 1950s that Crittenden says women recall with "wistfulness."

What Our Mother's Didn't tell Us is a fairly accurate portrayal of the modern-day, heterosexual who wants to be or is married and who has or wants kids. The author's commentary, though, is elitist and out of touch with reality.

She overlooks the financial situations of most women - situations that dictate their necessity for working outside the home. She condemns lesbianism and masturbation in the same breath and seems to loath alternate living situations for women that do not involve a man to protect and care for them.

The question Crittenden poses, and rightly so, is a good one. "Today women like me ... take for granted the professional respect [women used to crave], but we can no longer expect marriage, stability, and children when we want them. Who is the bigger loser?"

There might not be an answer; surely Crittenden does not offer a satisfying one.

Today's woman might find herself pulled between the seemingly opposing forces of work versus marriage and kids with happiness out of reach, but she has choices to make. Those are choices that the woman of yesteryear, who was trapped in a loveless marriage, kids in tow as her only purpose, did not have. And, more importantly, if the woman of today is not happy, the 1950s were not the epitome of happiness either.

Rating:
Summary: Good ideas, but an immature perspective
Review: There is much common sense here which has been lost as women have been encouraged to deny their biological self. Most women do want to "someday" marry a wonderful man and have beautiful children. Danielle Crittenden makes a case for women to follow their instincts.

The author seems to think that her experience with two children is enough to justify her sometimes harsh judgements of other women. She sees humor in a mother's unwillingness to leave her baby with a stranger so she can go out to dinner, yet Ms. Crittenden reacts negatively to a woman who leaves her baby with a sitter so that she can work. My point is that leaving your baby is leaving your baby. And being there for your baby means taking care of her, even if it is in the middle of the night. (The author prefers to let the baby learn to cry itself to sleep.)

The author also betrays a negative attitude toward mothers that choose to stay home and not pursue a career. Writing of her daughter, "Yes, I want her to be accomplished and fulfilled in her work, to be interested in the world, for her soul to be broadened by ideas, by religion, by books. But I also want her to be a wife and mother, and to experience the joys that come from these roles, their duties and sacrifices, their incomparable love." Wait a minute, I did not realize that when I chose to stay home with my children I also gave up my interest in the world. We have struggled financially because of this decision but I have not lost opportunities to be involved in many outside interests. My "working mother" friends would lament that they do not have the time to read books, participate in a religious study group, pursue art, music, volunteer work, politics, hobbies like gardening, etc.

The author also seems to suggest that the greater sacrifice is in staying home with your children. I believe that duties and sacrifices are involved in any worthwhile accomplishment. There are certainly many sacrifices, duties, and boring, repetitive tasks in a forty hour work week. Does a paycheck negate this fact? I would like the author to take the same care in contemplating what she will tell to her son about these facts of life, as she ponders her talks with her daughter. Will she tell him that it is an honor to support his family so that his wife can focus her energy on her young family? Will she encourage her son to let his wife know that her value and identity are NOT in her occupation, but in who she is as a woman, wife and mother? Will she tell him that when he or his wife choses to put external rewards and accomplishments before their family that the real sacrifice will be felt by their children and experienced in their relationships?

Rating:
Summary: Challenge yourself ...and read this book
Review: True, this book will annoy you if you are either struggling to make ends meet (I mean struggling to survive, not struggling to pay your Ann Taylor card off) or if you are an ambitious career woman who has no particular interest in being a full-time mom (totally legitimate BTW). However as a 26 year old from DC I know a lot of highly intelligent women my age who have great jobs but are not fulfilled by them and DO wish for something more meaningful-like a family. Not that they would dare admit it to many people because in this town that is akin to admitting you have "given up". This book isn't for everyone but believe me there is a fairly large group out there for whom this will really ring true. I know a couple of middle-age women who are trying (rather hard) to get pregnant (one with, one without a partner) and feel very misguided by the "have it all" mantra that they heard growing up. In fact their "great" job is becoming a distasteful reminder of what they had to put aside to get ahead. It's too bad that women who stay home with kids are branded so negatively in the more accomplished circles of major cities. I know if/when I choose this path I will have no support from anyone that I am currently close to. It's pretty sad. As usual-what began as a movement to give us freedom has turned against a large portion of those it meant to help. It is a privileged financial state to have the means to stay home with your kid-- but when doing the math how many people consider Pottery Barn furniture and dinner out 3 nights a week a necessity? Yeah, some people need to lower their materialistic cravings and consider what really matters in life. If you have an amazing career then stick with it my all means but many people stay at jobs they don't like to fund an overly indulgent life and send their kids to daycare just because that's the way things go around here. Crittenden is just pointing out that each woman can reevaluate what she wants to do (not follow those around her). This will strengthen your position whatever it is. Women my age are fully aware of how far they can go with their job and that is where they reap praise-not from being a mother/wife. If you look to the future what does that do for the family? More high stress overly-materialistic lifestyles. On the other hand, you take a few years off to raise your kids before they go to school and you lose so much momentum in your career-then what kind of example are you setting for your child (especially daughter?) This is a serious sacrifice for a woman to make. These issues need to be readdressed. Why not read a book like this to get yourself thinking about them?

Rating:
Summary: Super Insight from a Superwoman!
Review: Wow, what an amazing woman, this Danielle Crittenden! Such piercing insight, such faultless perspicacity! Mr David Frum must be a very lucky man to be married to such a superwoman (in fact, as I read it I kept remarking to myself that a woman of her calibre could have done better than Frum!). It takes a lot for a woman from a society such as hers to have the will and strength of mind to recognise and point out what Ms Crittenden does -- hence the "superwoman" designation.

Crittenden provides an excellent indictment of feminism. She points to the baleful results of the foolhardy behavior feminism has encouraged of women, exemplified in the absurdity of 'sexual liberation', and rightfully ridicules how the present condition of women could be considered a success.

However, her solution is simply that of women 'realizing' their more fulfilling purpose through what biology obviously suggests of them. She does not deal with the fundamental problem that has caused women to act in such an imprudent manner in the first place. This problem is the basis upon which their society derives value and significance, something that can only be achieved in the workplace, inevitably leaving women who choose to act in a more biologically rational manner feeling left out of the loop.

Let me explain. How do women living in a society that prides itself on its more intangible qualities, such as an ineffable joie de vivre, feel about themselves and their roles when compared to societies that base their pride more on their tangible achievements, such as in industry, technology, science and so forth?

In the former society, women are more likely to take part in and contribute to defining the national identity to the same degree as the men of that society, even if their roles revolve around maternal duties. In France, for example, they can drink the same wine as their men, something that is quite central to their identity. They can speak the same French language as their men, a mainstay of French culture. They can indulge in that same ineffable joie de vivre that the French haughtily consider to be the fundamental distinction separating the civilized from the barbarian. In Italy, their cooking is quite central to the national identity, and it is indeed such cuisine that has constituted much of what Italians are known for around the world. They can partake of la dolce vita to the same degree as any man in Italy, something that was never denied their mothers or their grandmothers. Such Latin societies, of course, are proud of their nation's technical sophistication and advancement, but such pride takes a secondary place to the feeling they have for their culture and civilization, expressed through the less tangible qualities and things in life, the primary basis upon which they base their identity and national pride.

In the latter society, where national pride is based more on tangible achievements, we face a problem with regard to the position of women and how they progressively feel about their roles. If women's roles in such a society revolve around maternal duties, and that society bases its identity and national pride on its tangible accomplishments, then such women are going to feel rather left out of the loop. This is because in such societies the role of creating and contributing to the national identity is solely reserved for the men ' its male scientists, male businessmen, male politicians, male astronauts, male generals, male journalists, male professors. Thus, in such societies the workplace assumes a significance not given it in industrialized but Latin societies: that of being fundamental to the national identity and therefore to satisfaction with gender roles. The hand that rocks the cradle in Germanic societies, therefore, is marginalized and, sooner or later, such women not surprisingly revolt and demand a piece of the pie. The maternal role, thus depreciated and minimized, is understandably discarded with alacrity and the business suit and combat boots adopted in its place, together with an apposite scowl.

But kudos to Ms Crittenden for this excellent, powerful work. A superwoman, to be sure!