Special Siblings : Growing Up With Someone With a Disability

Rating:
Summary: A must read for anyone with a disabled sibling.
Review: First of all, I really wish that people who have not grown up with a disabled sibling would not write negative reviews of this book because they just don't know what it is like. My sister had polio and her illness and subsequent operations took all of my families' resources both financial and emotional. I grew up thinking that I was unimportant and that maybe if I was sick too, I would get attention. My earliest thoughts were those of wishing that I would just die so I didn't have to feel so bad/guilty all the time. Kids that grow up with disabled siblings often feel that they did something wrong to cause the disability. My middle sister and I both felt that way, yet we weren't even born when it happened.

Ms. McHugh has written an incredibly honest book that will be greatly appreciated by anyone else in this situation. We live in a world of silence and isolation, how can you ever complain when you can walk, talk, hear, etc. You would be considered extremely selfish. The life of a sibling of a disabled person is very distorted.

Thank you, Ms. McHugh for your courage.

Rating:
Summary: Mary McHugh knows how to personally touch people
Review: I bought this book because I have a child with a disability, and I wanted to do what I can to be helpful to my three other children. It was a wonderful read! It reassured me, which is something all mothers need a lot of. It also reminded me that vigilance about sibling excesses is in order. After reading it, I reminded my children that they don't have to grow up to be superstars in some kind of effort to compensate for what my one child lacks.
I enjoyed the author's willingness to be so honest about her feelings, yet even when revealing negative feelings, she asserted a positive spin by contrasting her feelings with more positive feelings of others. It's clear that much of her difficulty had to do with being raised in a different time -- when there was little help, and when disability was considered shameful and secret. My favorite section of this book is the discussion of the common phenomenon of siblings entering the helping professions as adults. She has a fresh and interesting take on this topic.

Rating:
Summary: A Special View of Life's Longest Relationship
Review: It's been called life's longest relationship, and our bond with our siblings usually is just that. Who else could witness our joys and sorrows and put their arms around us through all of life's seasons? With whom else will we share such conflicted feelings of love, hate, rivalry, and reconciliation for so long? To a large extent the biblical tragedy of Cain and Abel haunts every family and every generation. Therefore learning to navigate and face these intense and uncomfortable feelings is a passageway to a healthy adulthood.

As if hurt, resentment, anger, and rage aren't enough, the family crucible is even more complex when a sibling is born with or develops a disability. Parents struggle to be fair to the special and unique needs of each child. Typically developing children watch their parents struggle and feel their own grief as well for what might have been-along with embarrassment and guilt. In the new revised edition of Special Siblings: Growing Up with Someone with a Disability, Mary McHugh helps readers to understand that life's inequities are unavoidable.

"Children who grow up with a brother or sister with a disability learn early that life is unfair," says Mary McHugh, an accomplished writer and the sibling of Jack, a man with cerebral palsy and mental retardation. "They have to learn that often the child with the disability must come first; they must face the fact that not everyone will want to be their friend because of the sibling with the disability; they must learn to accept that people will often stare at their brothers and sisters.... My advice for them is all these things are hard lessons to learn but they make you strong enough to deal with anything life presents you with when you are an adult."

McHugh's research for this book included interviews with more than 100 siblings - in their teens, 20's 30's and 40's - of people with special needs in an effort to understand her own feelings. Her inquiries show that they share more than a brother or sister with a disability. "Growing up with a special sibling makes you compassionate and kind to every human being you meet; it makes you a good problem solver; it makes you tolerant of religious differences, racial differences, other disabilities, old people, etc. It often makes you an achiever who works to make the world a better place. In short, you will probably be the kind of person other people want as a friend."

As Don Meyer, director of the Sibling Support Project, at Children's Hospital of Seattle writes, "In her remarkably wise book, Mary McHugh masterfully blends her experiences and the experiences of others with insights from clinical research. Although McHugh doesn't shy away from the troublesome aspects of sibling relationships, Special Siblings also describes the remarkable attributes seen in many brothers and sisters of people with special needs."

Throughout the book, as Brookes Publishing outlines, McHugh explores the spectrum of feelings- from anger and guilt to love and pride - and helps readers understand the issues siblings may encounter in

· childhood - such as dealing with their own needs for attention and information, identifying with their parents' grief, understanding their sibling's disability, and coping with their own feelings

· adolescence - such as participating in family discussions, fitting in with peers, searching for their own identity, and talking to a counselor or therapist

· adulthood - such as building a support system, navigating adult relationships, deciding whether to have children, and planning for their sibling's future care

McHugh wants siblings to understand that they are not alone. She has included an extensive list of resources in the back of her book. She urges people to go to sibling support groups and talk to other siblings about our often-unacceptable feelings where they will find unconditional acceptance. The one thing Mary McHugh would like to assure every special sibling: "That you will probably grow up to be a very fine person: strong, compassionate able to cope with just about anything that comes along, loving, tolerant, an achiever who will make a difference in the world. The world will be a better place because you're in it."

Readers may wonder if things would be different for McHugh if she and her brother were growing up today. While attitudes toward people with disabilities have improved and access to services has generally increased, family dynamics have remained largely unchanged. The family is our most intimate social setting, and it is there that we are the most vulnerable. Communicating about our pain and resentment diffuses our anger and allows for healing and lifelong cooperation. These are lessons we all must learn, and in this regard children with special needs can be a catalyst.

Emotional, wise and intelligent, this book is a must-read for teen and adult siblings. This is also an indispensable resource for parents who are agonizing over how to do their jobs fairly-one of the most common questions I am asked in my role as a psychologist who specializes in the family life issues. Professionals who support people with disabilities and their families will be likewise enlightened in their roles. Complex matters are so often made clear by the simple yet profound reflections of children. Special Siblings by Mary McHugh is a special contribution that succeeds because it captures the essence of that voice from siblings of all ages including herself.

Rating:
Summary: A different point of view.....
Review: There is a great need for enlightened books on the topic of growing up with a sibling with a disability. Unfortunately, this book does not answer that need.

Ms. McHugh feels the common denominator between her and the other siblings who lament their sibling is the issue of disability. In fact, the common demoninator is self-pity. Most of us in this world have issues with their childhood, whether they be a sibling with a handicap, an abusive parent, a dead beat dad, or an overachieving brother. We all carry many scars. It is not the challenges that we face, but what we make of those challenges.

Having a loved one with a disability does not change our essential truth. Yes, it may be difficult at times, but life is, difficult that is. The challenge of facing a disability on a daily basis only makes you more of what you already are. Sometimes that's good, in this case it's very sad.

Ms. McHugh may be the sibling of a man with a disability. But she is the one truly handicapped. Handicapped by her inability to stop using the disability as a crutch. The disability nor your brother are the source of your pain, anger and suffering. It is the inability to deal with it in a productive manner.

The next book I'd like to read from Ms. McHugh would be about people with disabilities and how they tolerate the whiny, self-important, shallow ramblings of their very confused siblings.

Rating:
Summary: A different point of view.....
Review: There is a great need for enlightened books on the topic of growing up with a sibling with a disability. Unfortunately, this book does not answer that need.

Ms. McHugh feels the common denominator between her and the other siblings who lament their sibling is the issue of disability. In fact, the common demoninator is self-pity. Most of us in this world have issues with their childhood, whether they be a sibling with a handicap, an abusive parent, a dead beat dad, or an overachieving brother. We all carry many scars. It is not the challenges that we face, but what we make of those challenges.

Having a loved one with a disability does not change our essential truth. Yes, it may be difficult at times, but life is, difficult that is. The challenge of facing a disability on a daily basis only makes you more of what you already are. Sometimes that's good, in this case it's very sad.

Ms. McHugh may be the sibling of a man with a disability. But she is the one truly handicapped. Handicapped by her inability to stop using the disability as a crutch. The disability nor your brother are the source of your pain, anger and suffering. It is the inability to deal with it in a productive manner.

The next book I'd like to read from Ms. McHugh would be about people with disabilities and how they tolerate the whiny, self-important, shallow ramblings of their very confused siblings.