The Tao of Negotiation: How You Can Prevent, Resolve, and Transcend Conflict in Work and Everyday Life

Rating:
Summary: Waging peace
Review: One of my hats says "mediator" on it. And in that capacity, I count this as one of my most useful books.

It's not exactly about mediation, or at least it's not a how-to book for mediators. At bottom it's about how to nip conflicts in the bud by not letting the dangerous sort of conflict arise in yourself in the first place.

That's what makes this such a helpful book for mediators. Joel Edelman is convinced that it takes two people to let a conflict get out of hand; if _either one_ of them is ready, willing, and able to try to resolve it, it will usually resolve. And as a lawyer who helped to pioneer the field of mediation, he's got plenty of experience to support his claim.

There's plenty of good advice in this well-written book (and by the way, Mary Beth Crain shares credit for its well-written-ness). In essence it amounts to this: external conflicts arise because, somewhere, there's an internal conflict we've allowed to get out of hand. And in order to get it back _into_ hand, we may have to do some difficult inner work. We're generally not as self-aware, and therefore also not as aware of each other, as we probably think we are; the signals we think we're receiving from other people are often echoes of the vibes we're putting out ourselves.

At any rate, this book isn't just for mediators. It's for anybody at all who wants some practical/spiritual advice about dealing with, and preventing, the toxic sort of conflict -- the poison-spewing kind that demands a "win-lose" outcome. Win-win resolutions are generally possible, but only if we each take responsibility for our own thoughts and actions and don't make our satisfaction depend on what the other person does.

Good stuff. Trust the process.

Rating:
Summary: Invaluable Ideas - Not-So-Hot Title
Review: There's a Tao of everything. If you've run a search on Amazon for "tao" then you've seen it. Tao of Physics. Tao of Power. Tao of Tacos (believe me, it's coming). Like many others, this book refers to the Tao but doesn't really base its ideas on anything one could reasonably call Taoism. It's a similar theme, but not quite the same.

That doesn't mean that the content isn't any good, though.

If I were ever to become a manager, a negotiator or a business professor, I would make this book required readong to all of my subordinates/students. In fact, I might make my whole family read it. The basic concepts are so incredibly simple, and yet so often forgotten.

I started applying concepts in this book right after I read them. You have to see it to believe it. Need an extension on my paper? Done. Need to have a difficult discussion with the parents? Done. Need to resolve issues with the roommate? Not so successful on that one. That's really the one major flaw - the author assumes that the other person actually cares about your feelings once you lay them out on the table and show yourself as the vulnerable human being you are. Some people don't think that way. I suggest a baseball bat when negotiating with them.

At any rate, this book really can help you do what it promises - to prevent, resolve and transcend conflict in work and everyday life. And don't think it's going to gloss over the various issues you may have. After discussing the general philosophy, the book breaks into chapters upon chapters dealing with conflict in every area you could possibly imagine - at work, with your loved one, with customer service, even with yourself.

Poor title and psychopaths aside, this book will dramatically change your life through one simple concept - forgetting about victory and focusing on true understanding.